New Point (21 page)

“Please don’t worry about me. I just thought…” The sharp sensation of my fingernails digging into my waist awakens me from my trance.
Thought what? You were back at Clarkes Elementary School and things went a different way.

Four pairs of eyes watch me expectantly. I clear my throat roughly and force a brittle smile. “I thought someone had broken into the house.”

“Right,” Lacey mutters under her breath. “Miles, we need to get out of here.”

I want to reassure them all that I’m not crazy, but I’m not convinced myself.

Miles looks at me doubtfully. His body language screams concern, though his lips are pressed into a straight line. Without acknowledging Lacey, he steps closer to me and touches his hand to my shoulder.

More than anything I want to throw myself against his chest, cling to him until the memories fall away into nothingness. Somehow I manage to restrain myself.

“I’ll be back after I drop them off,” he says roughly. I nod my assent and then he’s shuffling everyone toward the front of the house.

“Bye guys.” My voice is thin, spoken to their retreating figures. I’m not sure they hear me.

The door shuts with a definitive shudder, breaking me enough to realize the rain has slowed and the sun is peering out from behind the clouds.

W
hen Miles returns later, I’m not sure how much time has passed. In his absence my mind replays the scene on an endless, mortifying, and exhausting loop.

He finds me in the kitchen again, this time I’m sitting on one of the barstools, elbows propped up on the counter, gazing blindly out the window toward the lake, not seeing what lies ahead.

“Zoe, talk to me.” Hidden behind his taut body language, arms crossed firmly across his chest and tense jaw, there’s an ounce of warmth in his words. Maybe I have a chance at making him understand…something.

My shoulder slump. “There’s not much I can say.”

“Zoe.” It sounds like he’s trying to maintain his calm, his voice tense. “Talk to me,” he demands again.

My eyes pinch closed for a beat. “What do you want me to say?” I peer at him then, finding his eyes cloudy with worry.

“The truth.”

I tell him the first true thing that comes to mind. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
Because I can’t hide anymore.

“I’m not.”

“Why?”

“Don’t look so surprised. Since day one, I’ve wanted to know every part of you. The highs and the lows. Every. Single. Part. Haven’t I made that clear?”

“Some things aren’t meant to be shared,” I mumble stubbornly.

He stalks across the kitchen, grabbing my shoulders in his strong hands and whirls me to face him. It’s a familiar scene, his eyes race across my face as if he’s trying to figure out what lurks beneath the surface. “If we’re going to have this conversation, speak like you’re an adult not one of the kids in your camp.”

The words ignite some anger in me, and I wiggle out of his grasp. I jump to my feet and put distance between us, splaying my hands on the cool countertop. “Don’t talk down to me.”

Miles releases a weary sigh. “It seems like the only way to get a response out of you is by pissing you off. Let me in, Zoe. Let me in without having to argue.”

“There are some things that aren’t meant to be talked about. Some things need to stay in the past and…” I trail off dumbly. Even to me the argument is losing steam.

“And what? When people are in a serious relationship they talk. I’m not afraid of what’s in your past, Zoe. Whatever it is, whatever hurts you, I want to know about it.”

I don’t realize I’m gnawing on my lower lip till there’s a metallic taste in my mouth.
Blood.
A shudder rolls through my shoulders. Meanwhile Miles’ face grows more concerned. It’s exactly what I was afraid.

He pities me.
I’m all but ready to tell him everything, but if I do will he ever look at me the same way again?

Finally, I answer. “What's so bad about saving you from the awful memories? Why can't we be together without touching my dark side?”

“Because I want all of you, damnit!” He’s emphatic, words hard as steel. “The best you have to offer and the worst. I want to pull you up the days you can't get out of bed. When you're smiling, I want to be the cause, and when you're crying, I want to take away the sadness.”

“You can’t!” I burst out. “No one can. It’s on me to get better and you need to accept that.”

He flinches, taking a step backward.
No.
The last thing I want to do is hurt him.

“Maybe I can’t scare away what’s haunting you, but I can damn well do everything in my power to try. That’s not the problem here. You don’t
want
me getting close to you. You’d rather keep me at arm’s length than be in an honest relationship with me.”

There’s a sharp stab of fear in my heart.
No, no, that’s not true!
I want to cry. But I stay silent, unable to give him what he needs.

“I’ve done the lying game with Lacey, I’m not doing it again with you.” All the warmth drains from his voice leaving icy coldness.

“What does that mean?” I whisper.

“Are you going to be honest with me or are you going to continue keeping secrets?”

Helplessly I turn to him, not bothering to stop the tears trickling own my cheeks. “I can’t.”

“Don’t look at me like that. Don’t use tears to get what you want. I won’t be with a manipulative woman again, Zoe. Been there, don’t deserve that.”

It stings to be called manipulative, but there’s some truth to the other things he said. “You do deserve better,” I agree forlornly.
You deserve to be with someone without the mountain of baggage.

He scoffs, shaking his head. “That’s the best you can do, that’s all the fight you have for us? I never took you to be so weak.”

It’s the worst thing he could say. Ever since that day in September I’ve battled to be strong, but I’ve failed and keep failing. Nothing but a weak, pathetic excuse for a person. There’s nothing he can call me that I haven’t already called myself.

Miles’ lip curls in disgust. “And I thought I was falling for you.”

The words hang in the air, and my chest constricts painfully. I’ve ruined any shot I had with him. Still I say nothing.

“What an idiot I am,” Miles mutters. My eyes fall to the countertop. What’s left for me to say? The barstool makes an ugly screech against the floor when he shoves it away. He departs without another word, yanking the backdoor shut with fire when he leaves.

He’s gone, and I didn’t do anything to stop him.

Miles

A
s soon as the door snaps shut behind me, I let out a vigorous curse. Wrenching my hand through my hair, I stalk across the deck. When my feet hit the sand, still damp from the thunderstorm, I set off jogging down the beach.

This is what I need right now. The breeze off the lake, sand underneath my feet…

No.
What I need is Zoe to take away the tightness in my chest. What I need is Zoe in my arms, giggling as I count the sprinkle of freckles across her nose.

That’s not quite right either, because Zoe’s not the woman I thought she was. I need the Zoe with the innocent smile, the woman whose eyes light up when they catch mine across Blue in Green, the woman I started to imagine behind our white picket fence.

“Who are you Zoe Baker?” I mutter to myself.

My thoughts drift back to her clutching Alexa and Duke as though there was a threat looming. For a minute I thought she passed out or was in a hypnotic state, none of us could get her attention. And when she finally came to, it was like she erected ten more walls between us in the short time I couldn’t reach her.

I meant what I said to her, I deserve better.

Pushing Zoe out of mind, I press myself harder and harder, until my lungs scream with protest. I come to a breathless stop. Propping my palms on my knees, I bend in half to catch my breath. When I right myself, I see landmarks that indicate I’m several miles from home. Luckily the beach is deserted, and I plop down to the ground, bending my legs so my feet are flat on the sand, and release a shaky exhale.

My eyes aren’t even closed and I see her, hair streaming around her shoulders while she balanced on tiptoes to find the spare key that first day I laid eyes on her. From that moment, even if I didn’t consciously know, it was set in stone. Zoe was put on this earth to be
mine.
How can she be so guarded?

Reluctantly I remember the night I tried to pry out her secrets. The mournful look in her eyes when she confessed she wasn’t ready to tell me everything about her. I thought it might have to do with an ex-boyfriend or something… What I witnessed tonight shows she’s been through something harrowing. Some cataclysmic event she won’t share with me.

It all makes sense now. When Blake said he didn’t want her having any more problems, it’s obviously related to whatever scared her. Then of course there’s the meaningful looks she shares with Etta every so often. Something tells me that’s why I got the lecture on confidentially from Etta’s receptionist. Zoe’s a patient. I want to be furious with my sister for keeping things from me, but I know she’s morally obligated not to share her patient information.

Why couldn’t Zoe come to me? I want to help, I want to support her, but she’s blocking me out.

Again, I envision her covering Alexa and Duke with her own body. There’s a threat to her so terrifying that she thought they were in danger of being physically harmed. Through her haze of fear her instantaneous reaction was to protect my nephew and his friend.

If I wasn’t so pissed and confused and hurt, I’d be in awe. Calling her weak was a low blow Zoe didn’t earn. My woman was willing to do whatever it took to keep two kids safe. She’s brave as they come.

I didn’t mean what I said. I deserve Zoe. I just don’t know how to be with her.

T
here’s no thunderstorm to keep me awake, no nightmares of Clinton Smith to break through my rest, but I still don’t sleep a wink that night. I toss back and forth, tormented by the repercussions from my breakdown.

I have little doubt Lacey will tell Sharon what she saw. How could Sharon keep me on staff, working with children no less, when I’m clearly not all that stable? This job awoke aspects of my personality I never thought would be part of me again. I don’t want to lose it.

But it’s more than just my job.

I don’t want to let go of any part of my life in New Point, including Miles. Last night he gave me the perfect opportunity to open up and reveal everything
.
I wasn’t strong enough to be vulnerable to him. I’m at a loss what to do next.

When I get to work the next morning I expect Sharon to be waiting for me with a pink slip. But the library is empty when I unlock the employee door, and I don’t hear a peep from my boss.

Once I realize Sharon isn’t going to fire me or at least will wait until Friday to do so, I pass through Tuesday and Wednesday morning in a listless fog. By the time my session with Etta arrives at lunchtime, I’m an exhausted shell of myself.

“Zoe, what’s going on?” Etta’s face is a picture of concern when I haul myself into her office. Instead of sitting down into the plush couch, I hover near the door.

“We probably need to terminate our professional relationship,” I tell her woodenly.

Her brow furrows. “I’m sorry to hear you say that. May I ask why?”

I swallow loudly, pressing the heel of my hand to my forehead. She’s going to make me say it out loud? Fine. “Miles…” My throat gets thick, and I can hardly squeeze the words out. “We’re not together anymore.”

The wall between therapist and patient dissolves. Etta’s placid expression softens as she places a comforting hand on my elbow.

“Oh, Zoe. He didn’t say anything.”

I shake my head. Of course he didn’t. Apparently the relationship was erasable.

“If I were to stay here, I’d need to talk about that,” I finally say. “It’s for the best if we part ways now.”

“No.”

I’m surprised by her firmness. “Why not?”

“I refuse to let you walk out of here this upset. It’s written all over your face.”

“What is?”

“Heartbreak.”

Oh.

“It’s that obvious?”

Etta steers me to the couch, and then I have no choice but to fall into the plush cushion.

“Bags under your eyes, pallor of your skin, general air of dejectedness. That all adds up to a broken heart in my book.” This time she sits next to me, no notebook in sight. “Let’s pretend I’m not your therapist. Will you tell me what happened?”

I look down to where my hands have knotted themselves together in my lap. “On Monday I had a bad episode in front of Miles and Lacey. I’m not sure how I still have my job. Lacey threatened to tell Sharon.”

“Tell Sharon what?”

Backing up to Monday, I tell her how Lacey’s injured ankle led me to taking the children back to my house. I tell her about the storm and my heightened anxiety because Miles wasn’t communicative while he was with Lacey.

“Then when someone slammed the front door of my house it sent me back to that day. I pushed the kids to the floor and covered them with my body. I was trying to protect them in my twisted way and Lacey and Miles saw it all. I guess I still have a long way to go, huh?”