Nic's Devotion: An Endless Series: Book One (40 page)

     Seth finally turned to look at me. “I can see how much
you care for her, love her, and I just want to say I’m happy for you, man, and
to tell you not to let anything stand in your way. You and Carrie have
something special and that’s not something you give up on. You fight, even if
you have to fight her.”

     Seth’s speech was a revelation and brought to light why
he’d been acting so out-of-sorts lately. I was conflicted about Seth’s
disclosure; I didn’t like the idea of him having feelings for Carrie, but I
could see that he wasn’t planning to do anything about them. He respected my
feelings for her and wasn’t trying to interfere. He was good friend that had in
fact listened and helped me out even though it had perhaps chafed him raw. If
we’d been in opposite places I’m certain I wouldn’t have stepped to the side
like he had no matter how good of friends we were. Carrie was mine and no one
else’s.

      “I appreciate your honesty, and believe me, I’m not
letting her go.” I said resolutely. 

      “I also recognize that you’re better for her than I
could ever be. I’m too serious and taciturn, and she needs someone who will
make her laugh. And you two do look pretty together.” He smiled jokingly and I
knew he was trying to lighten the moment.

     “We do, don’t we.” I smiled through the strain I was
still feeling.

     “Nauseatingly.” His head tilted back against the wall
and the profound moment passed.

     I’m not sure how long we sat there, but I could hear
crying every so often and it took great restraint not to burst into the room
and sweep her back up in my arms. Seth holding me back also helped. Eventually
the door opened and soft sobs spilled from the room as Dr. Mathews stepped out
shutting the door behind her. Her expression was strained with unhappiness.

     I jumped up from the floor. “How is she?” I asked
anxiously, wanting to go directly in but needing to know what I was dealing
with at the same time.

      “She’s extremely upset. I’ve had quite a time trying
to calm her down. Her mother and aunt put a multitude of doubts and
reservations in her mind. She feels that all she is going to do is bring
problems to everyone associated with her. She wouldn’t reveal what they said to
her but whatever it was has seriously marked her self-worth. Her psyche at this
moment is akin to how she was when she came out of her comatose state.” Dr.
Mathew’s expression grew more distressed. “She’s asked me to take her back to
the hospital. This latest blackout has really traumatized her and she believes
that they are becoming unmanageable.”

     “No!” I exclaimed. She needed people around her that
cared about her, not strangers. She needed me.

     Poignant sympathy washed over her face. “I tried to
convince her that all she needs is outpatient therapy but she’s adamant, and I
didn’t want to escalate her anxiety further. If it had gotten any worse I would
have had to use medication to calm her down. Hopefully, after a day or two
she’ll be more composed and able to process everything better.”

     I hated what I was hearing but if she needed a few days
in the hospital to get herself together than I could swallow my rejection of
the whole idea.

     Dr. Mathew’s returned my nod. “I can see that you are
dealing with an overload of emotions right now but I need you to stay
collected. The last thing Carrie needs to deal with is more drama. It will only
make her more upset.”

     I was glad she could read me because the last thing I
wanted was to upset Carrie further. I took a deep breath corralling my anger
and helplessness. “I can come see her in the hospital, right?”

     Dr. Mathew’s smiled sadly. “Of course, but don’t be
upset if she doesn’t accept right away, and don’t give up. She needs to know
that people care about her and are waiting for her. I’m going to take her with
me now; remember to keep your emotions in check because they will only upset
her further. Wait here.”

     She went back into my room and I did some deep
breathing to get myself under control. A couple minutes later the door opened
and Dr. Mathew’s led Carrie out with her arm around her waist, as if she were
afraid Carrie would collapse without her assistance. It didn’t look far from
the truth because Carrie was hugging her waist like she could fold in on
herself any second.

     Carrie’s gaze connected with mine, tears pouring from
her eyes. “I’m sor…ry.”

     I could feel my eyes pooling again. “Honey, you’ve got
nothing to be sorry for.” Unable to stop myself I scooped her up in my arms. I
wasn’t sure when I would get to hold her again.      

     Carrie put her face into my chest continuing to cry
brokenly. “Sor..ry. De…serve some…one not dam…aged, bro…ken, some…one
stron…ger.”

    I swallowed painfully holding the tears at bay with
everything in me. “Carrie, you are not broken or damaged, you are strong.
You’re taking charge and doing what you think you need to do and I’ll support
you. I’m here for you. I love you, baby.”

     Her crying became more heart-wrenching at my
declaration. I walked down the stairs and at the bottom stood all my roommates
and Amanda wearing varying expressions of sadness and concern. I shook my head
and gave a jerk of my head and they got the hint moving into the living room. I
didn’t want Carrie to get more anxious at the thought of more people observing
her.

     I carried her out of the house and Dr. Mathew’s opened
the back door of her car allowing me to settle Carrie in gently. She curled
herself away from me and my heart clenched excruciatingly at the gesture.
Taking the seat belt I buckled her in and kissed the top of her head. 

     “I love you, Carrie, and I’ll see you soon.” I rubbed
my cheek against her hair and forced myself to back up and close the car door.
The sound it made seemed to resound with dread. 

     Dr. Mathew’s gave me another sympathetic smile before
climbing in the driver’s seat. The car pulled away and I stared after it
feeling my heart pinch tighter the further away it got until I could no longer
see it. I remained standing there for a couple more minutes gazing in the
distance before going back inside the house. I walked past my friends who
milled around the foyer, and taking the stairs two at a time I slammed the door
of my bedroom and proceeded to demolish my room. I made sure to keep away from
the bed though, because Carrie’s presence lingered there.     

Chapter Thirty-five

CARRIE

     I stared out the window of my sterile cream-walled
bedroom. It had been three and a half weeks since my panic attack and asked Dr.
Mathew’s to admit me. I hadn’t had any other blackouts, but I had experienced
some rather intense episodes. Dr. Mathews was trying some extreme therapy on me
making me deal with my underlying issues, and I was finally opening myself up
to what they were.

     I had never really dealt with what my father had tried
to do to me and what I’d had to do to live. I’d been repressing it instead of
dealing with what happened. That’s why my episodes had been occurring. It was
being shoved in my face, and rather than face it I would panic and pass out. My
intense feeling for Nic hadn’t helped either. It had made my emotions even more
volatile.   

     Discovering the problem was simple but facing the past
wasn’t. I’d spent four years trying to hide from it. Dr. Mathew’s said facing
it would stop my blackouts completely; that and realizing that none of it was
my fault, and I had nothing to feel guilty over. It sounded straightforward,
but saying something and doing something was entirely different.

     I had been blocking my father completely from my memories.
I accepted that I had one, but I didn’t want to actively acknowledge him, and
every time someone brought the incident or my dad up it would knock at that
door that I didn’t want opened. 

     About a week and a half into our therapy sessions there
had been a break in the wall surrounding my memories and I began recalling
certain events from my childhood with him. They’d been random scenes of the two
of us playing together; a board game, playing at the park, eating at a
restaurant, innocent things like that. Remembering them had almost caused me to
have another black out; instead, I’d just broken into a really long crying jag.

     It was difficult looking back and remembering him as a
loving and devoted father after what he tried to do to me. Why would he have
done what he did if he loved me? I tried examining those times with him to see
if he’d pushed any certain boundaries with me sexually, but I couldn’t recall
any. I only remember being content in my life.

     I’d been told that he’d had child pornography on his
computer and was intoxicated the night of the attack, and I wondered if maybe
he’d tried suppressing for years this predilection and had finally snapped that
night. However, it’s something I’ll never know and Dr. Mathew’s keeps telling me
that all I can do is accept it. She also says it’s okay to remember him fondly
and that my theory could be what conceivably happened, but that I can’t take
the blame for defending myself, and if he had indeed been a good father than he
wouldn’t have blamed me for what I did.

     I’d spent a lot of time crying my eyes out.

     Both my cousins, Blake and Samantha, had come to visit
me. They’d apologized profusely and explained that their mother had lied
telling them I’d been hospitalized all these years and wasn’t allowed visitors.
Blake felt really bad saying he should have looked into my situation further
instead of just letting it go and trusting his mother. He’d explained that his
mother admitted she’d been concerned that my past would hurt both his and
Samantha’s future aspirations, but they’d condemn her actions saying that none
of what happened to me was my fault and they would denounce whoever said
otherwise, starting with their mother. 

     They’d called and visited several times and we were
actually getting very close. They also accepted that I might never want to
interrelate with their mother.

     Amanda had also come a few times with Noah, but I’d
only wanted to see Amanda. Seeing Noah was too close to seeing Nic. The first
time she’d visited she had rushed up and hugged me admitting that Nic had
disclosed my whole story to her and the rest of his roommates and that everyone
was appalled at how I’d been treated by my family.

     Incredibility had poured through me at her acceptance
followed by relief and a sort of liberation at not being rejected and reviled.
It had taken me a while but I was finally realizing not everyone was going to
run at discovering my past. Nic’s and my cousin’s acceptance had gone a long
way in instilling that belief.

     Amanda had been keeping me up to date with everything
that was happening outside the hospital. She told me that Nic had talked to
John at the Sports store and that Nic, all his roommates, Blake, as well as
her, were taking over my shifts so I wouldn’t lose my job, and that the checks
were still being written in my name. She said John sent his love and hoped I’d
be back soon. I’d gotten extremely choked up at the news. I couldn’t believe
that everyone was doing all that for me.

     Carl had even stopped by. He said Nic had told him
where I was. He’d given me an enormous hug and said as soon as I got out to
come see him. He’d been sending regular e-mails telling me of all the things
going on at the aquarium.

     Dr. Mathew’s had talked to the college and they were
allowing me to turn my work in online. Any tests I did were done in the
presence of one of the hospital staff and signed confirming it was me doing it.

     Everyone was being so supportive and nice, nearly
bending over backwards to help me; it wasn’t something I was accustomed to, but
it felt incredible knowing I had family and friends who supported me…who cared
about me.

     I sighed and looked down at the letter in my hands. It
was from Nic. I’d refused to see him since being admitted. He came almost every
day and I felt terrible each time I refused, but I’d been so upset at first and
thought he was better off without me. However, he was slowly wearing down my
defenses and excuses. He wasn’t giving up on me when I was used to people doing
exactly that.

     I’d been watching his lacrosse games on the television.
He was doing well, but his playing seemed to lack the energy and drive I’d seen
in him during those times I’d watched him live. The team had played three games
while I’d been in here. They’d lost the first game by three points, won the
second by one, and won the third by two. Nic even had an interview where a
reporter had asked him why he seemed so distracted on the field lately. His
reply had been that he was missing his good luck charm, but hopefully it would
show up soon.

     I’d soaked up the brief glimpse of him thinking that he
was looking tired and worried that he wasn’t sleeping well.

     I missed him; utterly and excruciatingly. He’d been my
sun and now everything was dismal and drab.

     I looked down at the letter again. Taking a deep breath
I opened it and took out the one piece of paper inside.

Carrie;

               I
love you and miss you terribly. Remember you said that I was your sun and I replied
that you were my moon. Well, they cannot exist without each other, and my light
is slowly diminishing without you there next to me. I stand on the edge of a
precipice with nothing to stop me from falling and being lost forever. Trust me,
trust in us. Please, come back to me.

                                                                                                                          
Always and Forever,

                                                                      
                                                                        Nic

     I wiped at the tears falling down my cheeks at his
words. He’d written down the same thing I’d said to him. It suddenly hit me
that I had been afraid of him walking away from me, rejecting me, because of my
past, but he wasn’t. Instead, I was the one walking away. I’d put myself in
here not to get better, but because I had wanted to hide. I could have just
gotten outpatient therapy like Mona had suggested, but I had been hurting and
thinking, erroneously, that everyone was better off if I just disappeared.

     I’d only been feeding into my insecurities.

     It was time for me to be strong like Nic kept telling
me I was.