Nil (22 page)

“What?” He frowned. “Right now I have no clue what you’re thinking.”

“It’s just—are you sure you’re not just feeling the days? I mean, feeling like time is short?” I paused, hating what I was about to say, but I had to put my nagging fear out there. “Doing something you normally wouldn’t do?”

Thad tilted my chin to look at him. “Oh, I am most definitely feeling the days. Time
is
short, and I’m definitely doing something I wouldn’t normally do.”

His admission crushed me. I closed my eyes.
Live in the moment
, Thad had said at the Nil Night. Does that mean live without fear of the future or regard for it? Because while Thad might be ready for an island fling, I wasn’t. Not with the only guy I’d ever wanted, not with the one guy I might not be able to keep. My mind flew through the Dark Side and nearly shut down.

“Open your eyes, Charley,” Thad whispered. His fingers cradled my chin. “Look at me.”

I did. His sapphire eyes held mine. “Back home, I would’ve never told you how I feel, not yet, anyway. I would have played the game, trying not to get burned.” For a second, he looked unsure. “Then again, maybe I would’ve told you, knowing the burn was worth the risk. Because you’re just that amazing.” His blue eyes blazed with an intensity that I’d never seen—not in Thad, not in anyone.

“But we’re not home, we’re here,” he said softly. “And I’ve got nothing to lose telling you how I feel, nothing but time. You’re right, Charley. Nil does change the way you see things. Nil makes everything more clear. What’s important, what matters. And for me, that’s you. This might sound crazy, but I feel like I’ve been waiting for you. Not just here, but in my life.” He smiled, his lazy smile that made my breath catch. “Told you it sounded crazy.”

It did sound a little crazy, because I felt exactly the same way. And I was too shocked by his admission to find words.

“Don’t you feel it?” he asked, his eyes searching mine. “The connection between us? Tell me you feel it. Tell me I’m not crazy, or at least tell me I’m not alone.”

“You’re not alone,” I whispered.
And neither am I.

Leaning forward, I kissed him.

Thad’s lips were salty and sweet, and kissing him felt like the most natural, most perfect thing in the world. In
any
world. Reaching up, he pulled me closer and crushed my lips to his, his hands cradling my cheeks, his thumbs caressing my jaw, then his fingers slid into my hair and there was no doubt
he
was kissing
me
. It was still not enough; he trailed kisses along my neck to my shoulder, and then his lips were back on mine.

Several kisses later, Thad pulled away. “I’ve been waiting for that,” he said, his voice ragged. His finger traced my cheek, my jaw, my collarbone.

“Me too,” I whispered, my skin tingling from his touch. “I got tired of waiting.”

“I’m glad. I like a take-charge kind of girl. Have I mentioned that I like everything about you?”

“You don’t know everything about me,” I teased.

“So tell me,” he said. “Something juicy.” Thad made little circles on my shoulder with his finger, which was turning my mind into mush.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “Surprise me.”

I was struggling to think when Thad’s face darkened.

In one fluid motion, Thad whipped me to my feet behind him, pulled out his knife, and faced the trees. One second later the most emaciated squirrel I’d ever seen poked out; its tail looked worse than Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. I felt Thad relax as the critter scampered up a tree.

“Nasty buggers, those Nil squirrels,” I said. “Thanks for the protection.”

“Hilarious,” Thad said, then kissed my forehead. “Something dragged off the dead warthog, and it was definitely not a squirrel.”

“Gotcha,” I said. “Lions and tigers and squirrels, oh my.”

“And you’ve left the poor zebra out again,” Thad said. “The thing is, there’re a lot more animals on Nil than people. Bunnies, mice, squirrels, you name it. Lots of little stuff, but it’s the big things that worry me.”

I shivered. “Like the tiger. But no one’s seen him lately, or heard him. Rives thinks he’s gone.”

“He might be,” Thad said. “But if not, the good thing for us is that as long as you stay out of his way, chances are, you’ll be fine.” He smiled. “Seriously. Tigers usually avoid people. They go after wildlife first, and there’s plenty here. It’s just that quakes spook the animals, and spooked animals can be scary.”

Thad obviously got a good look at my face, because he kissed me, hard, then held me tight. “Don’t worry. C’mon, let’s collect dinner and head back.”

Moving with ease, Thad dropped the reed doors, then tossed in a twine net. When he pulled it up, the net seethed with fish, their silver bodies flashing like mirrors in the fading sunlight. Two minutes at the pools, and all three nets were full.

“Wow,” I said, taking in Thad’s catch. “I can’t tell you how many days I sat in the water, trying to catch fish. I never caught one. And believe me, I tried.”

“What were you using for bait?”

“Me. I just tried grabbing one.” I shook my head at the idiocy of it. “I know, it sounds stupid.”

“No, it sounds difficult. The only person I’ve ever seen catch a fish by hand is Talla. She was a competitive swimmer before she landed here. I swear she’s half fish.”

Talla
. The girl Thad went to avenge. The girl who worried about Thad being a mess. The girl who Bart insinuated was more than Thad’s
friend
. And the girl who bore an eerie similarity to a feisty five-foot-tall cheer captain named Stacia.

Thad held out his free hand, smiling. I hesitated, then took it. But Thad noticed my teeny delay.

“Having second thoughts?” he asked.

“No. I just—” I looked Thad squarely in the eye. “What about Talla?”

“Talla?” Thad looked confused. “What about her?”

“I got the idea from Bart that you and Talla were an item. I just want to know if there’s a history between y’all. I don’t care, but I want to know.”

Thad’s expression darkened. “First of all, don’t listen to Bart. Second, there’s nothing between me and Talla. Never was, never will be.”

I raised both eyebrows, wishing I could only raise one.

Thad made an exasperated sound. “Look, I’m serious. Talla is”—Thad gestured widely—“Talla. A friend, nothing more. She’s not who I dream of. She’s not who I think about twenty-four seven. There’s only one girl I think about, and that’s you.”

“I believe you,” I said. “But part of me says this can’t be happening. Literally, it’s like someone peeked inside my head and figured out my dream guy—and it’s you. It’s too perfect. Like it’s too good to be true.”

Emotion flickered in Thad’s eyes, like a ghost. “Don’t you see, Charley? That’s part of Nil’s fun.” He laughed, but it sounded choked. “That’s part of what I needed to get my head around this past week. The fact that I’d met the perfect girl, here, in the one place where there’s no future. Where the only given is that we can’t stay.” The pain in his voice was back.

“That’s why I stayed away from you, hoping it would change how I feel, but it didn’t. You were all I thought about. I always knew where you were, heard your voice in my head. I barely slept. And then I decided that even if Nil ripped my heart out and crushed it, I’d rather spend my remaining hours on Nil with you than without. With the girl who survived twelve days solo in Nil’s house of horrors, with the girl who channels MacGyver for a little island ingenuity, with the girl who makes me forget I have an expiration date even for just a minute. That’s you, Charley. And that’s why I’ve been killing myself to get the City ready to run without me.” He swallowed, hard. “Because I want to spend my last days here with you.”

Thad’s take was jaded and a little depressing, but I got what he was saying. But it was what he didn’t say that stood out the most. He’d chosen to hope, even if it hurt.

“I told you,” I whispered, reaching up and laying my palm gently against his chest, over his heart. “I’ve always wanted my very own island guide.”

Thad grinned, his lazy smile that made me melt, and lowering his head, he kissed me. This kiss wasn’t crushing; it was tender and sweet, and full of so much pain that my chest ached in response, because like Thad said, if we had a future, it sure wasn’t here.

CHAPTER

30

THAD

DAY 290, TWILIGHT

Charley insisted on carrying one net; I carried two. But it was the fit of her hand in mine that made me feel like shouting, that and the taste of her on my lips.

Made-to-order perfection
, I thought. Dropping my nets, I kissed her again, cupping her face in my hands. Despite knowing we needed to get back, it was nearly impossible to stop. She looked as dazed as I felt.

“Wow,” she breathed, opening her eyes slowly. “I could get used to this.”

“Me too.” I whispered, my lips inches from hers, my thumbs caressing her jaw. “Clearly being an island guide has its perks. I’m going to incorporate lots of this”—I brushed her lips with mine—“into our schedule.”

“I thought our schedule was full,” Charley said with a straight face. “Or are you upgrading the tour package?”

“More like fine-tuning,” I said. “Like I said, it’s my first run as an island guide. Your satisfaction is my top priority.”

“Well then, by all means. More kissing.” She blushed, making me laugh. Of course I kissed her again. Gently, then urgently, totally shell-shocked by the intensity of it all. By my feelings, by hers, by the moment.

Reluctantly, I pulled away. “We need to go.”

Walking again, hands tight together, I thought Charley finally understood how I felt about her, but something told me she still didn’t see how twisted Nil was. The yin and the yang. For every good there was something bad; we were pawns in Nil’s game. Nil gave me Charley, but surely there’d be a cost. I just didn’t know what it was—yet.

And I prayed it wasn’t Charley who’d pay the price.

Jason jogged up as we got close.

“Welcome back, man,” I said. “What’s the word?”
Tell me Nat made it, and that she’s gone.

“Nat’s restocking. We saw a double, but it was too far out.” Jason looked upset.

Damn
, I thought.

“Don’t worry,” I said, gripping his shoulder. “She’s got time.”

Jason shook his head. “It’s not Nat. It’s Li.” He paused. “She went renegade.”

And just like that, my Charley stoke dulled. It was a harsh reality check, no doubt perfectly island-timed.

“What do y’all mean, she went renegade?” Charley said. “Where’d she go?”

Jason ran his hand through his curly hair, which was wild and crazy carrot-top-looking after long days on Search. “She took off while her team was sleeping. She left her groundcover folded, with a single flower on top. Like a good-bye.”

“Why?” Charley’s face paled. “Why would she leave?”

“Sometimes people want to spend their last days alone,” I said quietly.

“Like Kevin,” Charley said, her eyes on mine.

“Like Kevin.”

For a second it was just me and Charley and the God-awful tick-tock in my brain.

Jason broke into our world. “Quan’s so upset he didn’t talk the entire way back. I’m worried, man. What if he leaves the City now that Li’s gone?”

“Quan?” Charley frowned. “Who’s Quan?”

“Li’s shadow,” I explained. “Problem is, Quan doesn’t speak a word of English, and his vision sucks.”

“Li talked for him,” Jason added.

“And his vision’s bad?” Charley’s expression turned horrified.

“Yup,” Jason said. “He’s fast, but blind as a bat. He almost walked into a ravine once. You know, the whole glasses-don’t-come-through-the-gate thing.”

“So because Li’s gone, Quan might not make it either?” Charley asked, unable to shake the look on her face. “How long does he have?”

“I’m not exactly sure,” I said. “He showed up a few months after me. Where’s Nat?”

“Over there.” Jason pointed to the firepit, where two rabbits hung over the fire. Upwind of the smoke, Natalie stood with Jillian and Talla. Nat’s hands moved so fast they blurred.

Natalie’s group was not the only one with extra intensity. An electricity crackled in the air, potent and familiar. The people changed, but the vibe never did; it slicked in with the return of the last Search team, the one that came back short a member but without word of a gate. The City hung on edge, waiting. For news of Li … for new teams to head out … for change, because that was the one constant on Nil—that and the fact that no one ever celebrated a one-year anniversary.

Holding Charley’s hand tight, I turned to Jason. “Talk to me about Search.”

The next hour flew by as we took advantage of the fading light. I debriefed every team just back, cataloguing what they’d seen and heard, grateful the quake was minor and no one got hurt. I spoke to everyone with Priority, shoring up their choices. When I was confident the new teams were balanced and prepped, I whistled.

Conversations stalled like a gate dropped from the sky; all heads turned to me.

“So here’s where we stand. Nat’s back, ready to roll out tomorrow. She’s got time.” Silent nods, fierce faces.

I took in the stoic group. “As you might have heard, Li’s gone. Today was her last day. So let’s all keep her in our prayers.” More nods, even more eyes closed as silent prayers flew skyward.

After a thick moment, I cleared my throat. “Okay, here’s the latest. Jason says Nil’s home to an ostrich now, and he brought back another goat.” I pointed to the pens, where two goats kept company with the cow. “Li’s team saw a trio of wild horses. No one’s seen the rhino lately, but who knows. There’s also a pair of hippos. Hippos usually find their way to the mudflats. I saw one there last month, so we might have three. Keep your eyes open. I’m no hippo expert, but like everything else, they can get mean when cornered, eh?”

“True dat,” Bart said. I ignored him.

“Last but not least, no word on whether the tiger’s still around. Stay alert, take care of each other.” I took a sip of water. “Next up: teams. New ones launch tomorrow. Morning or afternoon, team Leaders make the final call on departure and support. So here goes: Elia as Leader, with Johan as Spotter and Cassie and Julio as support. Miguel, with Jillian as Spotter, Sy and Macy as support. Nat, with Jason as Spotter, Charley and me as support. I nominate Rives to Lead while I’m gone. All hands yea?”