Authors: Beth Flynn
While doing my
best to ignore what Neal was doing, and not very successfully, I told
Grizz
about Jo’s car not starting and how we came to meet
Neal. How he’d met Sam in jail and his threats to Vanessa.
Grizz
walked
me and Jo
to my car. “Go
ahead and take your car to the beach. I’ll stay and deal with shithead.”
“I can’t believe
you peed in the guy’s mouth. I thought you were going to make him perform oral
sex.”
I could hear Jo
giggling as she got our beach stuff out of her car and started putting it into
mine.
Another roll of his eyes.
“After all this time with me and
you can’t even bring yourself to say ‘blow job.’”
“I said it once.
To Jan,” I muttered quietly.
He just laughed
and took my chin in his hands. “Still my sweet little Kitten. I love you, baby.”
“I love you, too,”
I told him. “Just promise me that after he cleans up, you’re done with him.
Promise me. No violence or anything. Please?”
“I promise, baby.”
He kissed me as I tried to block out the gagging sounds coming from the garage.
Sarah Jo and I
left in my car and I noticed the garage door went down as we pulled away. I
prayed
Grizz
was going to keep his word and not do
any more harm to the guy. My new favorite group was on the radio. Boston was
singing “
More Than a Feeling
.”
Jo reached over and turned the volume down.
“Gosh, Kit. I
thought we were best friends.”
I looked over at
her, surprised. “We are! Why would you say that?”
“Because, as long
as we’ve been friends, you never once mentioned your husband’s huge dick.”
Chapter Thirty
Time
continued to pass. I rarely saw Grunt. He was still in college and working on a
double master’s degree. He was interested in architecture. He still came around
the motel, but he had moved the majority of his belongings out. He was living
with a girl, Cindy, at her condo on the beach.
I missed his
friendship, but I was happy with
Grizz
. I was getting
tired of the motel, though. I told
Grizz
I was ready
for something new. I really wanted to go to college. I think I was envious of
Grunt’s success and happiness. I wanted to be more than
Grizz’s
woman. Don’t get me wrong—
Grizz
was still very
good to me. But there was only so much I could get from a relationship. I
needed a purpose.
I remembered when
I was first abducted. I was only fifteen then, and had my life planned out. I
knew what I wanted. I’d lost track of that in the romantic haze of
Grizz’s
attention. I was starting to feel that stirring of
wanting something more.
Grizz
detected it before I did and tried to distract me. He
had Grunt design a house for us. We spent weekends driving around and looking
at open land.
Did this mean he
was going to give up the motel for me? Give up the gang? No. He would still
continue with his activities and I would become Jan. Live in a beautiful home.
Pop out a couple of kids. I was torn.
I didn’t have to
dwell on it long. Something happened that took my attention away from my
growing discontent. Something nobody saw coming. Something Grunt had warned me
about years earlier.
It was the summer
of 1978. It was a hot Tuesday night in July.
Grizz
had gone on one of his business trips. He was only going to be gone for two
days and had actually asked me to go with him. I didn’t feel like it. I was
bored and depressed and I wanted to just wallow in it by myself. And that’s just
what I was doing. Lying on our bed looking at college brochures. I wanted so
badly to go to college.
It was after
eleven and I couldn’t sleep. Damien and Lucifer were in Moe’s room with her. I
was absently stroking
Gwinny’s
head.
I heard our door
open. That was strange. Was it Moe? Did she need something for one of the dogs?
Maybe
Grizz
was home early. I jumped up off the bed.
Suddenly there
was a large, hulking presence in front of me. It wasn’t
Grizz
.
This man was dressed all in black and was wearing a ski mask. Before I could
even register fear, he punched me right in the face and I fell back on to the
bed.
He punched me
hard enough to knock me out, but it didn’t. I wish it had. For two hours, he
continued to torture and rape me, repeatedly. He spoke to me tauntingly the
whole time in a voice I didn’t recognize.
“
Grizz’s
woman, huh? Let’s see if he’s going to want you
after I’m done with you.”
That’s pretty
much how the entire two hours went. Well, at least I can only remember two
hours of it. He continued to beat me and bring me to the point of losing
consciousness only to make sure I didn’t. I was so weakened by the initial
punch in the face and the brutality he continued to unleash on me that I didn’t
stand a chance. I couldn’t think clearly enough to come up with a plan to
escape him.
Why hadn’t I locked the door?
I berated
myself. But I never locked the door. I never had to.
Who was at the motel?
Well, Moe was, and
she had my protectors locked in her room with her. Chowder had taken a rare
leave from the motel to visit a sister who was dying. With
Grizz
gone, the pit was empty.
I was alone.
Grunt’s words
from years earlier haunted me: “Just do me a favor, Kit. Stay sharp. Never let
your guard down. You just never know with this kind of lifestyle what can come
knocking at your door.”
Well, this guy
didn’t knock. He just walked in. I’d let my guard down. I’d let myself believe
that being with
Grizz
made me untouchable.
I couldn’t have
been more wrong.
Moe found me the
next morning. I wasn’t conscious and can only imagine her panic. She couldn’t
call anyone for help. Instead, she paged everyone who had a pager. She put in
her code and 911.
Blue was the first
to arrive. He couldn’t call an ambulance. Even though I’d been missing for
years, a public hospital was still too risky. So he called the doctor on
Grizz’s
payroll. I’d started to come around by the time the
doctor got there. I couldn’t see anyone. Both my eyes were swollen shut. I
still had all my teeth, but I required stitches to my lips and cheek. I was almost
unrecognizable. My face was swollen to twice its normal size. I had bite marks
all over my breasts, stomach and the inside of my thighs. I had broken ribs and
a broken left wrist where I’d held up my hand to try to protect myself.
I was given
enough pain medication that I was no longer feeling anything and fighting to
stay awake. I don’t know how much time passed before I heard him.
Grizz
. He busted in the room yelling and cursing. I couldn’t
see him because of my swollen eyes.
As I drifted into
a painless sleep I heard him say, “God help the motherfucker who did this. He
is going to suffer like no human being has ever suffered.”
I almost felt
sorry for the guy. It didn’t last, though.
I didn’t know
then that he’d killed my cat.
Chapter Thirty-One
My recovery
was slow. I was in an extreme amount of pain and was adamant about reducing the
doses of my pain medication. The doctor continued to visit me regularly. After a
couple days I was able to open one eye.
During my
recovery,
Grizz
pestered me to death. He was obsessed
with finding the guy who did this. He grilled me constantly on anything I could
remember, even the slightest detail. Did I remember hearing a bike pull up?
What color were the guy’s eyes? Was his hair long and did it show beneath the
ski mask? What other kinds of things did he say to me?
I wasn’t the only
one who got grilled. Poor Moe. She took the brunt of
Grizz’s
anger.
“What the fuck
were my dogs doing with you in your room while Kit was being attacked? I have
those dogs for her protection when I’m not here, not yours’!”
I begged him not
to be so hard on her. It was obvious she felt awful and somewhat responsible. He
berated her relentlessly. I felt so sorry for her, and when I was finally able
to get around, I did what I could to intervene. But, like I said, he was
obsessed. And because he didn’t know who did this to me, Moe was his whipping
post. I honestly don’t know if he ever physically hurt her. I hope not. Truth
was, there was nothing he could do or say to make her feel any worse than she
already did.
Grizz
temporarily turned over his business operation to
Blue
. He was going to expend every effort to find out who
did this. Every informant was told there would be a substantial reward for
information leading
Grizz
to the guy who was
responsible.
Over the next
several months there were a few false leads. I cannot tell you the fear I saw
on the faces of the men
Grizz
paraded in front of me.
He would make them talk to see if I recognized their voices. He made them wear
a ski mask to see if anything seemed familiar. I was certain I would recognize
the voice and physical appearance of my attacker. None of those guys were even
close.
I eventually made
a complete physical recovery. I didn’t do so well with the emotional part,
though. I felt like I’d been violated, and I was certain
Grizz
wouldn’t want me after that. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. He’d been
hesitant after I told him I was healed. I didn’t realize it was because he was
afraid of hurting me. Once I convinced him he wouldn’t hurt me, we resumed our
physical relationship.
It was hard for
me at first. I couldn’t close my eyes. I had to have them open the whole time,
and I needed the light on. I had to see it was
Grizz
.
It took me a long time to let him kiss my body. I tensed, waiting for the
painful bite. Knowing that I was still struggling with it only fueled his
anger. He started picking on Moe again.
I wish I’d
noticed the change in her. I was just too wrapped up in what had happened to me;
too wrapped up in my own recovery. Looking back, I should’ve called Grunt and
asked him to come back to the motel and spend time with her. I am ashamed to
say I didn’t notice the depths of her despair and loneliness until it was too
late.
It was 1979, and
around the fourth anniversary of my abduction. A few months shy of the one-year
anniversary of my attack. After my attack,
Grizz
purposely kept Damien and Lucifer away from Moe. I think this hurt her more
than anything, and I felt horrible about it. Horrible enough to defy him and
let her see them when I knew
Grizz
wasn’t going to be
around.
That’s how
Chowder found her.
Grizz
was gone, and I let her take
Damien in her room one night. I kept Lucifer with me. Chowder heard Damien
crying the next morning, and he let himself into Moe’s room.
He found Moe
peacefully lying in her bed with an empty bottle of pills next to her.
Dead.
I cannot tell you
the extent of my devastation. I felt every emotion possible: grief, anger,
despair, depression,
guilt
.
Lots of
guilt.
I’d always thought of myself as a caring person. How was it I
didn’t notice how bad Moe’s depression had been?
I remembered
little things then. I remembered when
Grizz
would
take me for rides to look for land for our future home. Moe was never included.
What would have happened to her if we moved out of the motel? Was she expected
to stay there indefinitely? I was horrified that I’d not given her future a
second thought. I remembered my complaints and gripes about being dissatisfied
with my life. What did Moe think about her life? What kind of life had she
actually led? Not much of one, really.
Chowder made the
necessary calls, and before long Grunt, Blue and
Grizz
showed up at the motel.
Grizz
found me sitting on the edge of the couch staring at
the blank TV. I got up and lunged at him. He thought I was coming in for a hug
and never expected me to go ballistic on him. I beat on him with every ounce of
strength I had in me, and he stood there and took it.
Exhaustion
eventually overcame me, and I fell into his arms. He caught me and tried to hug
me, but I shoved him away. I sat back down on the couch.
“What are you
going to do with her?” My voice was cold. Distant.
“Same as everyone
else.”
“No.” Heat
flashed through me and I stood up. “No! Absolutely no way is Moe going to be
thrown away and become alligator food. No way,
Grizz
.”
“I suppose we
could take her farther out and bury her. If that’s what you want, Kit.”
I thought a
minute. “No. That’s not good enough. I know a place. Not until tonight, though.
And I need some time alone in her room.”
He followed me
outside. I walked toward her room. Grunt was sitting on a lawn chair on the
motel sidewalk. He had his head in his hands. When he looked up at me, I could
see he’d been crying. I went straight to him and threw myself into his arms as
he stood up. I don’t know how long we stood there crying in each other’s arms,
but
Grizz
left us alone.
I asked Grunt to
come into her room with me. I wanted to find something personal to bury her
with. When we walked in, Moe was still lying in her bed. Nobody had bothered to
cover her face. Looking back now, I’m glad I got to see her.
Moe looked more
beautiful and peaceful than I’d ever seen her before. She wasn’t wearing her
heavy makeup. She was lying on top of her motel bedspread wearing a white
T-shirt that was several sizes too big for her. It was the only time I ever saw
Moe wearing something besides black. I wondered if she’d planned it.
I went through
her drawers and found there really wasn’t much to Moe’s life. Other than her
black clothes, makeup, drawing tools and doggie treats, there was nothing there.
Grunt and I were getting ready to leave when I thought to look under the bed.
There was some sort of metal box. I couldn’t get to it. Grunt knelt down next
to me and was able to reach it. He pulled it out.
We opened it.
There were two items in it. One was a plastic food container. Grunt popped the
top off and we noticed what looked like a small piece of old meat wrapped in
cellophane. It was Moe’s tongue.
The other item I
recognized immediately. It was my wallet.
____________