In almost every case, when you see a dysfunctional adult, you can trace it back to dysfunctional parenting. When that dysfunctional adult was a child, their parents did or said things to them that hurt them, confused them, scared them, and created within them feelings of insecurity, anger, and inferiority.
The Greatest Gift Is Love
The greatest gift you can give children is to let them know that you love them 100 percent of the time and that your love for them never changes, no matter what happens.
There is no greater blessing for children than to know with complete confidence that the most important people in their life—their parents—love them completely and accept them totally, no matter what they do or what mistakes they make.
Children are not
little adults
. They do not have the ability to make good judgments about the right or wrong things to do. It takes them many years of trial and error and sometimes bitter experience to develop the wisdom and judgment that enable them to make good decisions for themselves and their futures.
The kindest way to treat your children when they make mistakes is to behave with calmness and compassion and to help them learn the lessons contained in the problem or difficulty.
Discipline Versus Development
Many parents think that their job is to discipline their children by punishing them when they make a mistake. Back in the 1930s, when my parents were growing up, it was generally taught that the job of the parent was to “break the will of the child.” This philosophy led to a generation of broken children whose parents felt that it was their duty to mold them and shape them into little people that their parents found to be acceptable.
But the fact is that each child is unique and different from all other people in the world. Each child comes into this world with his or her unique temperament, personality, and natural leanings toward different interests and activities.
Parents are often amazed to see that each of their children is very different from each other child, even though they come from the same parents and grow up in the same household. In my experience, each child “marches to the beat of a different drummer.”
No matter what you do to or for them, they have their own special destiny. They are going to grow up with a particular personality, and they will be attracted to particular people and activities. Your main job is to create an environment in which they feel safe and confident enough to follow their inner promptings and personal inclinations.
Question Your Beliefs
A philosopher once said, “Before I had children, I had four philosophies about raising children. Now, I have four children, and no philosophies.”
Each child is different from any other child and from any other person. When raising your children, be prepared to question your most cherished beliefs about what they “should” or “should not” do, say, or be. Above all, be prepared to admit that you could be
wrong
, because you are going to make more mistakes than you can imagine.
Perhaps the most important responsibility you have as a parent is to instill
values
in your children, especially the value of self-discipline. One of the most common desires that parents have for their children is to raise them with a sense of self-responsibility and self-control. Parents want their children to be self-disciplined and to practice self-mastery and self-denial, or the ability to delay gratification.
Set a Good Example
Albert Schweitzer once wrote, “You must teach men at the school of example, for they will learn at no other.”
The most powerful influence you have on your children is the example that you set for them all the time that they are growing up. Your children are always watching you out of the corners of their eyes or from another room. They take everything in. They measure and analyze your behaviors, especially when you are
under stress
. By watching the way you behave, especially when you are angry or upset or when they have made a mistake, they develop a clear picture for themselves of how adults are supposed to behave in the world.
Your example sets the standard that they consider to be the normal way that adults act in various circumstances, especially when under stress. Your children, if they admire and respect your example, will strive
to emulate you
while they are growing up and then continuing on for the rest of their lives.
Perhaps the best question you can ask yourself, over and over, is, “What kind of a family would my family be if everyone in it were just like me?”
Be a Role Model
When you practice self-discipline and self-control, especially when you feel angry or upset, your children absorb the lesson. Later, when they are angry or upset,
they
will practice self-discipline and self-control as well.
In a recent study, researchers concluded that children form their idea of the world by watching how their
mother
deals with the ups and downs of daily life. If their mother seems calm, relaxed, and in control, children assume that this is a logical and rational world so they are much more likely to practice calmness and self-control themselves.
If their mother seems to be frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed by too much to do and too little time, children absorb the world view that life is confused and stressful.
Building Character
The most important job you have as a parent is to instill values and to build
character
in your children. You do this by teaching them what values are important, especially those of integrity and truth telling. You set yourself up as a role model and demonstrate the values you want your children to have in every situation where those values are called for.
Because the core value of character is
integrity
, the most important value that you instill in your children is
truthfulness
. Much to the shock of most parents, children lie. When they are growing up, they don’t tell the truth. They tell both little and big lies. Often, this comes as a surprise to parents who feel that somehow they must have failed their children in some way.
But don’t worry: Lying is a normal and natural part of childhood. It is a form of communication that children are trying out on you to see if it works. If children find that telling lies is an effective way to get the things they want quickly and easily, they will lie on a regular basis.
For example, I once asked my son Michael a question, and he gave me an answer that I knew was completely untrue. I asked him, “Michael, why did you say that? You know that that’s a barefaced lie!” Michael, who was ten years old at the time, answered candidly, “Well, I just thought I’d give it a try.”
Children will give lying a try to see if it works. If it doesn’t, they will try something else, and that something else is usually telling the truth.
Always Tell the Truth
One day, my wife and I read a question in a book on child raising, which said, “If your children lie to you, who has made them afraid to tell the truth?”
That was a real eye-opener for us. We immediately sat down with our children and told them, “From now on, always tell the truth. We promise you that you will never get into trouble for telling the truth. If you tell a lie, we will be upset and you will be punished. But if you tell the truth, you will always be okay with us.”
From that day onward, with few exceptions, our children “tried us out” with the truth. Over time, they got into a habit of telling the truth, no matter what it was. And we kept our promise. We never punished our children for telling the truth.
One day, as we were sitting around the family dinner table, one of our children was talking about his friend who had told him to lie to us about something he was planning to do.
My son said, “I told him that I never lie to my parents.”
His friend said, “Everyone lies to their parents.”
My son repeated, “I never lie to my parents, because I don’t have to. I can always tell them the truth and everything will be okay.”
Our three children listened to this, and they all agreed. They told us that this was a great family because they never had to lie to their parents.
The Foundation of Self-Confidence
When children tell the truth, they grow up straight and strong, with high self-esteem and high levels of self-confidence. They have higher levels of self-respect and personal pride. They look you straight in the eye and tell you exactly what they are thinking and feeling. They are very different from children who must continually lie or shade the truth in order to get things past their parents.
In raising your children, there will be countless times when they will do or say something which you disapprove of or which makes you angry. During these times you must discipline yourself to think before you act, or react, controlling yourself and your temper. You must remind yourself that what you do in a moment of stress is registered and recorded by your child and can have an effect on him or her for an indefinite period into the future.
Children learn values by teaching and example, given to them repeatedly while they’re growing up. When you teach them values and personally practice the values of love—especially for your spouse—compassion for those who are less fortunate, generosity with those who need it, patience when it is required, tolerance for different viewpoints, courage in the face of difficulties, and perseverance in the face of setbacks, your children will adopt these behaviors as norms. They will see them as the appropriate way to respond to these kinds of situations as they grow up.
The Power of Forgiveness
One of the most important of all values that you teach your children is
forgiveness
. The inability to forgive lies at the root of most negative emotions. When you practice forgiveness, when you freely let things go, your children grow up with the ability to forgive as well. This saves them from years of unhappiness as the result of someone hurting them in some way, which will always happen.
My parents were adamant and inflexible. They had low self-esteem as the result of difficult Depression-era childhoods. As a result, once they had taken a position on any subject, however wrong, they could never back down and admit that they were wrong.
I resolved that when I had children, I would do exactly the opposite. From the time my daughter Christina was a little girl, if I shouted at her for any reason, I would always go to her and apologize. I would say, “I should not have shouted at you. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”
When you raise children, they will make countless mistakes while they are growing up. Sometimes you will overreact. Unless you are a saint, this is almost impossible for you not to do. However, whenever you make a mistake with your child, you should have the courage and compassion to realize that destructive criticism from a parent is extremely painful to a child. Go and take it back. Apologize and ask your child for forgiveness. Even if the child has misbehaved, this does not justify reacting in a negative and hurtful way toward your child. Just say, “I apologize. Will you forgive me?”
And they always will. The minute you apologize and ask your children to forgive you for anything that you may have done to hurt them, you liberate them from feelings of negativity or inferiority. By taking it back, you allow them to be happy and confident once more.
Teaching Your Children Is Never Ending
Developing proper values and teaching proper conduct to your children is a lifelong job. You cannot give a single lecture on truthfulness and compassion and then forget about it. You must repeat the lesson by discussion and example over and over, year after year, all the time while your children are with you.
In a letter to Miss Manners, a parent asked, “How long does it take to teach my children table manners? No matter what I say, it seems that my children still eat in an un-mannered and disorganized way.” Miss Manners responded by saying, “Be patient. It takes about fifteen years of continual repetition to teach your children table manners. And even then, there are no guarantees that your instruction will be successful.”