“Oh, Georgia. Sweetheart. I’m sorry.”
She kept her gaze fixed on the fire. It was still all too real, too immediate, even after all this time, and her shame burned through her.
“Please, love, tell me the rest. I’m sorry if it’s painful, but I really do need to know. What happened after the wedding?’’
She shrugged. “We went back to the farm. He got very drunk. And then he took me.”
“He … he took you?”
“Yes. He told me that he was my husband and he had his rights. Which he did. And I had my wifely duty. Which I did.”
“I see,” Nicholas said tightly. “I imagine Mrs. Provost had told you all about your wifely duties.”
“Yes.”
Nicholas’ hands clenched. “And it happened just as you described before.”
“Yes.”
“Was that the only time?”
She stared at him. “The only time? Nicholas, he took his rights nearly every night for almost three years. Baggie would go to the tavern and come home in his cups, and then he would come to bed. I cannot understand why you look so appalled. It is only what every husband does to his wife, although I am sure you will be much kinder. Baggie didn’t deliberately mean to be unkind, but I don’t think he knew any other way. I know you will try not to crush me with your body, nor smother me, for I will try very hard not to scream.”
Nicholas jumped to his feet and slammed his fists against the mantelpiece. “Damn him!” he cried. “Damn him!” He spun back and looked at Georgia, his eyes burning with a pained rage. “Don’t you understand, that is not what lovemaking is about? It is most certainly not what every husband does to his wife. And on top of it all, it sounds as if he was the man with the impediment. Georgia, I swear to you that I really am a perfectly normal man. I hate to ask, but I’m trying to put this damnable situation into perspective. Was Baggie really that … that large?”
She colored again. “He was like a bull. I thought all men were.”
Nicholas choked. “Oh, sweetheart … oh, my poor love. It’s no wonder…”
“What is no wonder?”
“Everything. All of it. Why you were so relieved when I didn’t outright ask the same thing of you. Even why you drew the conclusion that I couldn’t. Your sweet response when I’ve kissed you, and your quick withdrawal after, they’ve all baffled me. I thought it was because you had loved Baggie and you weren’t ready to be with another man. So I waited, as patiently as I could, thinking you would let me know when you were willing to take me to your bed. But now I understand. And, Georgia, there are so many things you need to understand. So many things.”
“Nicholas, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized you were waiting for me. I feel very bad about having neglected your needs.”
“My … Georgia, listen, sweetheart. Listen to me.” He took her hands between his. “This isn’t about my needs. It’s about a very real fear you have that Baggie in his blasted ignorance and selfishness gave you. I understand just how frightened you must have been that I would do the same, and it only shows your generosity that you have offered yourself, despite your fear.”
“But, Nicholas, I am not withdrawing that offer. Please, do not concern yourself just because I am afraid.”
“I most certainly will concern myself, and it is no good your trying to argue me out of it, for I refuse point-blank to rape you, my love. I’m afraid I’m too greedy. I want to see you writhe under me in helpless lust while I take you to the stars and shatter your senses—and mine.”
She opened her mouth, and then closed it, looking at him as if his senses were already shattered. “Nicholas. I have just
told
you…” And then she looked at him a little harder. “Have you ever done this thing?” she asked, and frowned as he gave a great shout of laughter.
“I’m afraid I have,” he said. “Many times, although I’m not sure that’s the correct thing to say to one’s wife. I’m told I do it rather well.”
“I’m sure you do, Nicholas,” she said, glaring at the fire, now annoyed. “And it’s all well and fine for you. But then you should know why it is that I am afraid.”
He smiled at her and chucked her chin. “What does not seem to have sunk into your stubborn head is that there is no reason for you to be afraid, and certainly no need for you to feel you have to martyr yourself on the altar of my male desires. I’ve martyred myself on them quite enough. I’m not interested in unleashing terror on you, Georgia. It’s no bloody fun, terror. Believe me, I should know.”
She looked at him then, and he saw that the tears were back in her eyes. “I know,” she said softly. “But it’s not as bad as that. Not as bad as yours, I mean. I don’t mind.”
Nicholas’ heart gave a great aching pull, and he instantly sobered. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to tease. Well, I did, but I forgot for a moment what it is like to have horrible, unreasoning panic, no matter what logic—or other people—might tell you. I didn’t mean to diminish your fear, only to tell you that I’d like to take it away.” He reached out and very gently touched her cheek. “Listen, love. It was you who explained to me about how it is possible to be healed, and I believed you. You have held me when I’ve been afraid, more frightened than I can ever express in words. And you have seen me through the worst of nightmares and offered your love as a balm. Will you not let me do the same for you?”
“But how, Nicholas? How?” She found she was trembling.
“I am a troll-slayer, am I not?”
She gave a shaky laugh. “Yes, I suppose you are.”
“Very well, then. I shall slay your troll as well.”
“You are very silly, Nicholas.”
He wiped away the trail of tears with his thumb. “No, not silly. I love you, Georgia. I love you with all of my heart and soul. I would never do anything to hurt you, ever, at least not consciously. I would certainly never force myself on you. But we cannot go through the rest of our lives with this dread haunting you. And I know I cannot go on much longer in this inflamed state. I can show you, Georgia, how it is meant to be. But you have to trust me, sweetheart, or I cannot help either of us.”
“I do trust you,” she said, but her lips were bloodless.
He gave her a long look. “All right, then,” he said. He stood and started to take his shirt off.
“What are you doing?” she asked nervously.
“I’m undressing. We’re going to bed. And I don’t plan on asserting anything other than a few words unless you want me to. That’s not too frightening, is it? Have I not held you against me night after night now? You have come to no harm, and I will not harm you now.”
“Nicholas, you are so good to me. I promise you I will try to come around to the idea.”
“Oh, I have no doubt at all that you’ll come around to the idea. It’s just a question now of when.”
Georgia stood and started toward the door. “My nightdress is next door. I’ll be back directly.”
He gave a short laugh, pulling off his trousers. “What do you need a nightdress for?”
She turned and stared at him. He was standing there stark naked and completely unconcerned about it.
“Nicholas…” she said uncertainly.
“Yes?”
“Are you suggesting that I should take all my clothes
off?”
“Unless you wish to sleep in that very attractive dress, which I doubt you do.”
“But why must I take all my clothes off?” she finally asked.
“Because I want to hold you against me, skin against skin. You’ll like it.”
“I will?”
“You will. Trust me, Georgia. We have to start somewhere, don’t we? I can’t slay a troll with both hands tied behind my back.”
Georgia, who had not been seen naked by anyone since her mother, could not imagine liking it, but she couldn’t see how she could refuse what seemed to be a reasonable request. Nicholas came over to her and unfastened her dress from behind, then slipped it over her head, leaving her in nothing but her petticoat. Cheeks aflame, she crossed her arms over her breasts, then turned and hurried to the bed, slipping under the sheets and removing her petticoat only after she was safely covered. She turned on her side and squeezed her eyes shut.
Nicholas laughed softly, then opened the curtains nearest the bed, letting in die moonlight, extinguished the lamps, and joined her.
Georgia felt the mattress shift with his weight, and then the touch of his hand on her shoulder. “Georgia,” he said, the laugh still in his voice. “You can come out now. It’s just me.”
She rolled onto her back and looked over at him, the covers pulled up to her chin. “I knew that,” she said with a tentative smile.
“Clever girl. Now, move over here a little. I can’t see a thing, I swear it. I could see more of you five minutes ago than I can now.”
Georgia inched over and Nicholas leaned on his elbow, watching her. “I know you can do better than that,” he said.
“Nicholas, I feel very foolish.”
“So you should, for I have told you that you can trust me.”
“But I have never lain naked in a bed with a man before.”
“There are a great many things you have never done before. This is the least of them. What is so different about me now? I am the same man I was when I was dressed.”
“I am not frightened of you. I just feel very unclothed.”
He chuckled. “Georgia, relax. I am not going to eat you. I only want to talk to you.”
“What about?”
“To begin with, I cannot begin to think what Mrs. Provost might have told you about sexual matters. Will you tell me?”
“I already have. She said it was a wife’s duty to submit to her husband, whenever he wished.”
“Did she give you any detail?”
“Not really. She told me it would be painful but that it was a woman’s lot in life to bear pain and not to complain. She said I should close my eyes and say prayers.”
“That sounds unbearably dreary. I wonder if she followed her own advice.”
“I don’t know,” Georgia said with a grimace. “I can’t imagine Mrs. Provost in that position at all. Maybe that’s why the vicar was chasing after me.”
“Oh, I can well imagine why the vicar was chasing after you. Poor Georgia. You do not have a very high opinion of men, have you?”
“I have of you,” she said.
“And probably because I’m one of the few who has not pawed at you. Although there was that one snatched kiss, I’m afraid.”
“Yes, there was that. But it was the nicest snatched kiss I’ve ever had. All the others were quite repulsive.”
“I can see why you were averse to kissing in the beginning. It is something that many people do very poorly. There are those who slobber, and those who twist up their mouths as if they were having arsenic forced on them, and those who kiss as if they were chewing on a piece of meat.”
Georgia laughed. “Really, Nicholas, what a disgusting description.”
“My point exactly. Kissing is a sensual art and should be approached as such. Tell me, did Baggie ever kiss you?”
“Yes,” Georgia said. “But his idea of kissing was to stuff his tongue down my throat and half suffocate me.”
Nicholas shuddered. “It sounds extremely unpleasant. Baggie altogether sounds extremely unpleasant. But I am happy you have no objection to the way I kiss you.”
“Oh, no—that’s entirely different. You make me feel wonderful.”
“Wonderful? In what way do you feel wonderful?”
She considered. “Generally, I would say that when you kiss me I feel flushed and weak, and I ache.”
“Georgia! You make it sound as if I am giving you influenza, not pleasure.”
“I did think at first that it might be influenza,” she said with a tender smile, touching his mouth with her finger.
“It is not the first time you have mistaken passion for illness,” he answered, taking her hand away. “Had I been ill all of the times I have touched you, or even looked at you and felt fevered, I would be dead by now. And when you touch me like that, I might as well be, at the rate I’m going.”
“Passion?” she said, extremely surprised. “Are you quite sure?”
“Quite sure.”
“How peculiar,” she said, thinking this over.
“It serves its purpose.” Nicholas rolled onto his back, pulling one knee up, and regarded the canopy over his head. “Or at least it can.”
“But how, Nicholas?” she said intently, determined to get to the bottom of the matter. “I cannot see the use in becoming dizzy and fevered and generally useless every time one kisses. It’s true that it feels very nice at the time, but it makes me very distracted, and I can’t accomplish anything at all afterward.”
Nicholas seemed to find that extremely amusing, and she frowned. “It is no good your explaining matters if all you do is laugh in between. I am not stupid, Nicholas.”
“Oh, beloved, you are anything but. You are only inexperienced.”
“I do not think you can call me that,” she said indignantly. “And your words are all well and fine, but the fact of the matter is that you are a man, and I am a woman.”
“Exactly,” Nicholas said with satisfaction.
“Yes, exactly. And no matter what you might choose to believe, you experience things differently. You have no idea what it is like to be in my position.”
“No … I haven’t, it is true. But I do have a very clear idea of what it can be like for you.”
“Then why would you want to do such a thing to someone you love?” she asked almost desperately. “I can see the need to get children, but why must it be so brutal?”
Nicholas abruptly sat up and turned to look at her. “That’s precisely what I’ve been trying to tell you. Georgia, it’s not meant to be a brutal thing. Not in the least. You’ve been very badly used, and hurt, and disenchanted. But if you look at me now, do you truly believe I would treat you so? Do you believe I would tell you lies to gain your trust and then blithely rend you apart for my own satisfaction? Lovemaking is meant to be a wonderful experience.” He pushed his hand through his hair in frustration, then reached out to her. “Here, feel this,” he said, taking her hand and placing it on the muscle of his chest.
“Your heartbeat?” she asked in confusion.
“Yes. It is fairly normal, is it not?”
“Yes. I think so.”
“All right. Now.” He leaned down and kissed her, slowly, gently, inviting her to open her mouth, and he lightly touched her tongue with his own, then pulled away. “Oh, Georgia, these lessons might be more than I can bear,” he said hoarsely. “Give me your hand again.” He took it, and she could feel his heart hammering wildly and his skin flaming beneath her palm.