No More Mr. Nice Guy! (22 page)

This paradigm of scarcity and deprivation makes Nice Guys manipulative and controlling. It causes them to believe they better hang on to what they've got and not take too many chances. It leads them to resent other people who seem to have what they lack.

Because of their deprivation thinking, Nice Guys think small. They don't believe they deserve to have good things. They find all kinds of ways to make sure their view of the world is never challenged. They settle for scraps and think it is all they deserve. They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why they will never have what they really desire. Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, Nice Guys rarely live up to their potential or get what they really want in life.

Staying Stuck In Dysfunctional, But Familiar Systems Prevents Nice Guys From Getting
the Life They Want

As stated in previous chapters, two major factors prevent Nice Guys from getting what they want in love. The first is that they tend to recreate familiar, yet dissatisfying relationships. They find partners who will help them create the same dysfunctional kinds of relationships they experienced as children.

These men then frequently see themselves as being victims to the dysfunction of their partners. Nice Guys have a difficult time seeing that they were attracted to these people for a reason.

Second, Nice Guys rarely experience the kind of relationships they want because they are bad enders.

When a healthy person would pack up and move on, Nice Guys just keep doing more of the same, hoping that something will miraculously change.

Nice Guys aren't much different in their jobs. They are attracted to careers and work situations that allow them to recreate the dysfunctional roles, relationships, and rules of their childhood. They often see themselves as helpless victims to these situations. Rarely do they see why they need these systems to be the way they are and that they have the choice to leave.

Unconsciously recreating familiar family patterns in their jobs and careers keeps Nice Guys stuck and dissatisfied. While they are perpetuating the dysfunction of their childhood, they rarely do what they really want or rise to the top of their chosen vocation.

Realizing Your Passion and Potential

I frequently tell the men in my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups that my goal is for every one of them to leave the group a millionaire. This statement really has very little to do with money or material wealth

— it is about discovering passion and living up to potential.

As stated above, the Nice Guys I counsel are generally intelligent, talented men. As these men work on recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome, they begin to accept themselves just as they are. This acceptance of the self allows them to embrace their passions and face their fears.

The formation of a more accurate view of the self and the world allows the abundance of the universe to begin flowing freely into their lives. Sometimes this takes the form of money. Sometimes it takes the form of love. Sometimes it takes the form of sex. Sometimes it takes the form of the bright lights of fame. Sometimes it includes all of the above.

The remainder of this chapter presents a strategy to help recovering Nice Guys become all they can be.

The following pages present a plan that has already helped countless Nice Guys discover their passion and live up to their potential. It can do the same for you.

Facing Fears Allows Nice Guys To Get the Life They Want

Charlie could have been the poster child for passionless, underachieving Nice Guys. When I first met Charlie he was stuck in a job he hated and living a life characterized by mediocrity and fear. Charlie had completed his engineering degree a couple of years before, yet he was still working at the same job he had held before starting college. Charlie's employers had promised him a big promotion upon graduation. When they failed to keep their promise, Charlie just stifled his resentment and kept on doing the same old thing he had always done.

Charlie's single passion was flying. In spite of warnings of disaster from his mother, he had begun taking flying lessons after he finished college. Though Charlie dreamed of earning his pilot's license, he never seemed to be able to complete the necessary requirements to achieve his goal.

A woman at his work introduced Charlie to my website. When he read the description of a Nice Guy he was mortified. He couldn't figure out how someone could know him so well. It took him six months before he worked up the nerve to send me an email. It took him another two months to send me a second. From the first time Charlie looked at my website he knew he needed to join a men's group, but the idea of being that vulnerable terrified him.

It was at that point that Charlie made a decision that changed his life. Charlie decided that if something frightened him that much, he needed to face his fear and do it. Little did he know then, but that decision was just the beginning of a journey that would lead Charlie toward the rediscovery of his passion and purpose in life.

Over the next year and a half Charlie lived by one credo: If he was afraid of something, he confronted that fear. Charlie's progress was slow but steady. Basically, he crawled until he could walk. He took baby steps until he could run. Once he got going, there was no stopping him.

Over the period of about eighteen months Charlie took several steps toward rediscovering his passion and purpose in life.

He became more and more active in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! men's group, revealing himself and confronting fellow group members.

He began looking at the neglect he experienced and the distorted fear-based messages he received in his family.

He asked his father to come to counseling with him where he confronted him on his unavailability and lack of concern for his well being in childhood.

He quit blaming his lack of money for flying lessons on his girlfriend.

He changed flying schools when his current school was unable to provide him with the type of instruction and equipment he needed.

He began interviewing for jobs that took advantage of his engineering degree.

He began confronting his feelings of inadequacy, family messages about playing it safe, and distorted beliefs about his qualifications as an engineer.

He confronted his girlfriend (whom he was initially terrified of) about her lack of participation in household responsibilities.

He took his solo flight and got his pilot's license.

He allowed his men's group to take him out for his birthday to a restaurant where he faced his fear of being the center of attention.

He applied for and got a job with an engineering firm that expressed a belief that he was capable, talented, and had something to offer their company.

When Charlie told the group about getting the job I realized that I had witnessed a metamorphosis of epic proportions. Charlie had gone from being an introverted, frightened, and passive Nice Guy, to an evolving man with passion and purpose.

I asked Charlie to send me an email with his formula for success. Here is what he wrote:
Bob,

Here is roughly how I arrived at the new job.

1) Very first before anything else could happen I had to stop being a victim.

2) Began by setting boundaries. At first they were small ones and they grew with time.

3) From the boundaries being set and respected I started believing in myself.

4) Honesty came along somewhere during this time.

5) Believing that I am an adult, I have an education, and I am qualified to take on the role of an
Industrial Engineer.

6) I always knew that my previous employer was dysfunctional and that it was comfortable for a reason.

When I finally realized and accepted that I did not need that system to survive, I could finally move on.

Charlie

Breaking Free Activity #40

Look over the list below. Choose one of the items and name a tangible fear from your life. Write
down how you will confront that specific issue. Then, take a small step toward facing that fear.

Ask someone to encourage and support you. Don't try to do it alone.

Remember, no matter what happens, you will handle it.

Ask for a raise or promotion

Quit an unsatisfying job

Start your own business

Go back to school

Confront a conflict situation

Promote an idea or something you have created

Pursue a lifelong goal

Spend more time with a hobby or interest

Charting Their Own Path Allows Nice Guys To Get the Life They Want
Most folks — Nice Guys included — do not consciously take responsibility for creating the kind of life they want. Most people just accept where they are and act as if they have little power in shaping an exciting, productive, and fulfilling life.

When I talk with Nice Guys about taking charge of their lives, most have a difficult time wrapping their brain around the concept. It just doesn't fit their paradigm that they can make choices and act to make these choices a reality.

I encourage Nice Guys to visualize creating a life where they do what they love and get paid for it. Most of them have difficulty with this concept. They act as if I am asking them to believe a fairy tale.

Occasionally they will dismiss the idea with the excuse, "Not everybody can be lucky like you (referring to me) and have a job they really love and get paid well for it too." For a while, I accepted this logic until it dawned on me that the life I was living had nothing to do with luck.

Earning a Ph.D. involved a conscious decision, persistence, and hard work — not luck.

Building a counseling practice involved facing fears, quitting a secure, well-paying job, making sacrifices, working a second job to pay bills, learning by trial and error, and a living through a period of poverty — not luck.

Developing my skills as a therapist involved a commitment to personal growth, constant evolution, and a financial investment in my own therapeutic process — not luck.

Writing a book, building a website, and getting published required persistence and the confrontation of numerous fears — not luck.

I'm not anything special. I'm an ordinary guy with ordinary talents. I have many of the same fears as the Nice Guys with whom I work. I don't have any special talent or skill that the majority of my clients don't have.

What's the difference?

● A conscious decision to face fears.

● A conscious decision to not settle for mediocrity.

● A conscious decision to make my own rules.

Think about the people you respect or look up to. Most probably started with nothing but still found ways to create interesting, productive, and passionate lives. These people charted their own paths and made their own rules. What makes them different? Most are just ordinary people who took charge of their lives.

Here's the good news — if they can do it, so can you. One of my favorite affirmations is,
What one man

can do, another man can do.
Think about it — if others have taken charge and created lives worth emulating, so can you.
The only thing stopping you from having the kind of life you really want is

you
.
It is time to start charting your own path, making your own rules, and making your dreams a reality.

Breaking Free Activity #41

What do you really want in life? What prevents you from making it happen? Write down three
things you want to make happen in your life. Then write a personal affirmation that will take you
where you want to go and post it on a sheet of paper where you can see it. Share your dreams and
your affirmation with a safe person.

Letting Go Of Trying To Do It Right Allows Nice Guys To Get the Life They Want
This book began as a few chapters I planned to write to give to the men in my first No More Mr. Nice Guy! group. Initially, when there was no agenda or goal, my writing was a spontaneous recording of my growing insight into the Nice Guy Syndrome. Before long, clients and family members began suggesting that I write a book. It seemed like a logical extension of what I was already doing so the idea made perfect sense.

It was at that time that something began to change. Rather than being just a few insights and illustrations written for the benefit of a handful of clients, my effort became directed at producing something that would be deserving of publication and widespread distribution. I began hearing people suggest things like "bestseller," "Oprah," and "get rich."

What was once an effortless labor of love began to falter under the weight of expectation. In order to live up to the lofty standards people were suggesting, my book had better be good. Not just good —

perfect!

With that agenda I labored for six years to complete
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
The most common question I was asked by friends and family during this time was "When are you going to finish your book?"

Over the years the manuscript went through at least three major revisions as well as extensive editing.

Numerous factors contributed to the length of time it took to finish the book, but the number one reason was that I thought it had to be
perfect.
I thought the book had to be perfect to be published. I thought it had to be perfect for anyone to buy it. It thought it had to be perfect for it to help anyone.

Unfortunately, this gross misperception had a number of detrimental consequences: I believed I had to write everything I knew about the Nice Guy Syndrome! The original manuscript of this book was probably four times its present length. I believed I had to be an eloquent writer. I believed the text had to be flawless.

I went to therapy to find out why I couldn't finish my book. My children became disillusioned, predicting that I never would finish. My wife half-seriously threatened to leave me if I didn't finish.