No Place to Hide (37 page)

Keen to hear more, even if the detail was scant and accuracy dubious, Justine finished wrapping up the ham she’d insisted on baking and went through to check on Lula.

“Mommy,” Lula said thoughtfully as Justine waded through a sea of clothes into the bedroom, “I’m not in a very good mood.”

Justine’s eyebrows went up. “Oh? Why is that?”

“I don’t know yet, but I think it might be that time of the month.”

“What?” Justine cried with a laugh. “You’re not old enough to have times of the month.”

Lula frowned. “How old do you have to be?”

“Well, in some cultures it can happen when a girl is as young as nine or ten, but with you, my darling, it probably won’t happen until you’re around twelve or thirteen.”

“So I won’t get any bad moods until then?”

Justine was still laughing. “What’s making you ask about this? Did you hear someone talking?”

Lula nodded, but before she could answer, the sound of a car pulling up outside sent her dashing off to find out who it was.

“It’s Sallie Jo,” she shouted as Justine followed her into the kitchen. “Oh, Mommy, the deers are back. There are three of them this time. Please, please can we feed them?”

“I’ve already explained that we could do them more harm than good if we do,” Justine replied, while understanding the urge, since they looked so young and thin and adorably Bambi-like poking about the edge of the woods. Their heads came up to watch Sallie Jo hurrying to the house to escape the biting cold, and went down again as she disappeared.

“We were just leaving to come to you,” Justine declared, shivering at the frosty air Sallie Jo brought in with her.

“I guessed you would be,” Sallie Jo responded, pulling off her gloves and scooping Lula up into a lavish embrace. “I could have rung, but I wanted…to come…”

Alarmed by the catch in her voice, Justine said, “Why? What’s happened? Are you OK?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Sallie Jo assured her, sniffing and blinking back tears.

“Are you sad?” Lula asked, peering worriedly into her face.

“No,” Sallie Jo tried to laugh. “My eyes are watering from the cold. You’re looking very smart today in your lovely blue corduroy dress.”

“I chose it myself from Diva,” Lula informed her, “and I got a coat too. Shall I show you?”

“Oh, yes please. I’d love to see it.”

As Lula hastened off to her bedroom with Daisy hot on her heels, Justine said, “What is it?”

Sallie Jo’s mouth trembled as she threw out her arms. “First up,” she cried, “my sister’s car hit some ice and went off the road…It’s OK, no one’s hurt, but the car’s wrecked, so the tow truck is taking them back to Indianapolis.”

“Oh no! So they’re not coming today? Your parents must be really disappointed.”

“Tell me about it, but Cora Jane’s not ruling it out. If the weather doesn’t turn any worse they’ll make the journey in a rental car and aim to get here around five, which is about when my ex-parents-in-law are due to arrive, because they’ve been held up too, apparently.”

“So it means we’ll eat later than planned. That’s OK, isn’t it?”

“Sure, I guess so. Yeah, sure it is.”

“There’s more,” Justine prompted knowingly.

Sallie Jo didn’t deny it, but Lula was back in her new coat—and fur-lined boots on the wrong feet. “You are adorable,” Sallie Jo laughed. “It is the most stylish coat ever, and I just love those boots.”

“We got them at Diva too, and Daisy’s got a new coat that we sent for online. It’s pink with pictures of snowflakes on it.”

“Why don’t you go and put it on her?” Justine suggested. “It should be in the drawer at the bottom of your closet.”

Off Lula zoomed again, apparently unfazed by her east-west-facing boots, and Justine turned back to Sallie Jo.

“It’s David,” Sallie Jo informed her. “He just told me this morning that he’s been offered a job in Washington and he’s already decided to take it.”

Justine’s jaw dropped. “Of all the…” Drawing Sallie Jo into an embrace, she said, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s OK, I’ll be fine. It’s not like I wasn’t expecting it.”

“But to tell you today…Why couldn’t he have waited?”

“Apparently he didn’t want to spend the day having to pretend. He thought it was fairer to let me—my parents—decide whether or not we still want to invite him. If we don’t, he says he’ll understand.”

“So what are you going to do?”

Sallie Jo shook her head. “I don’t know. Mom says it has to be up to me, and I know what I want to say, but it seems kind of mean to make him spend the day on his own.”

“It would be no less than he deserves. How long has he known about the job?”

“A couple of weeks, apparently. He says it’s too good an offer to turn down and he’s not exactly making the best of his skills in Culver, which I can understand. He’s played with the big boys in the past, so why wouldn’t he want to go there again?”

“But what about you? Didn’t he…”

“It’s got nothing to do with me. We’re not an item; he doesn’t have any obligations toward me.”

“But he knows how you feel about him.”

“Even if he does, it’s not his main concern, and I’m a fool for actually believing it might have worked out for us.”

Hearing a yelp in Lula’s room, Justine turned round as Daisy came scurrying in to be rescued.

“She won’t let me put it on her,” Lula complained, appearing in the doorway with a cute pink anorak with four tiny sleeves and a fur-trimmed hood.

“That is just too ridiculous,” Sallie Jo spluttered.

Lula’s eyes rounded. “She’ll catch a cold if she doesn’t wear it,” she protested.

“Maybe you should carry her tucked inside your coat?” Sallie Jo suggested.

“But I want her to wear this one. Mommy put it on earlier and she looked really sweet.”

“Isn’t it too small for Mommy?” Sallie Jo teased.

Lula appeared confused until, getting the joke, she gave a shout of laughter.

Laughing too, Justine went to check her mobile as it rang. Seeing it was Matt, her heart turned over. If she answered, it would be the first time they’d spoken since she’d told him not to call anymore, and maybe she didn’t want to speak to him now, when Sallie Jo clearly needed to talk.

“I’ll let it go to messages,” she announced, turning back to her friend.

“But if it’s important…”

“It’s not. So what are we going to do about David? Do you think you can bear to have him around after this?”

Sallie Jo shrugged. “It would be easier if he’d just pull out instead of leaving the decision to me.”

“Is there anywhere else he can go for the day?”

“He mentioned something about one of his neighbors, but I don’t know if it’s really an option.”

Justine glanced at her phone as it buzzed again, this time to let her know there was a message.

“…or I guess he could go to Toby Henshaw’s,” Sallie Jo was saying, “unless Toby and Melissa are with her family over in Plymouth, and they usually are for Thanksgiving.”

“We could always ask Iris Longstow to invite him,” Justine suggested, only half joking. “She’s big on taking in strays at this time of year.”

Sallie Jo had to laugh, but her eyes darted to Justine’s phone as it rang again. “It’s not him, is it?” she asked, anxiously.

Justine was experiencing a stirring of unease as she held up the cell for Sallie Jo to see that it was Matt.

“You should take it,” Sallie Jo told her.

Deciding she probably should, Justine clicked on. “Hi, is everything OK?” she asked, turning away from Lula.

“Yes, I’m fine,” he answered, not sounding it. “Is Lula with you?”

Frowning, she said, “Yes, of course, why do you ask?” Her heart suddenly jolted. Had the email led to something? Was he about to tell her she and Lula were in some sort of danger?

“You need to sit down,” he said softly. “What I have to say…It’s not…It’s going to come as a shock. Is Sallie Jo around?”

“Actually, she’s right here. What is it?” She knew instinctively this was about Ben, but she didn’t want to say his name in front of Lula.

“He’s…I’ve…I had a call from the prison this morning. I’ve been there ever since…” He took a breath. “I’d have called sooner, but the time difference…I didn’t want to wake you…”

When he didn’t continue she felt herself turning cold to her core. She didn’t know exactly what she was thinking, but only because she didn’t want to put it into words.

“They found him this morning, in his cell,” Matt was saying brokenly. “He used a razor, apparently. No one knows how he got it…”

Justine was starting to sway. “Are you saying…? Is he…?”

“Yes, I’m afraid he is.”

She sat down hard in a chair, tried to speak but couldn’t. A week ago she’d told Matt how she envied the parents of the boys who’d killed themselves. For one bewildering moment she wondered if Ben had heard her, if she’d somehow willed him to do this.

Realizing something was wrong, Sallie Jo took Lula and Daisy into the bedroom.

“I’m sorry,” Matt was apologizing. “I didn’t want to break it to you like this. I’d have come to do it in person, but by the time I got there you’d have heard it on the news.”

Justine’s head was spinning so fast she could barely catch the tail of a thought before it collided with another.

Ben was…

He’d used a razor…

Found him this morning…

She opened her mouth, and a terrible cry erupted from the very depths of her. “No, no, no,” she wailed. “Oh God, no.”

Matt was saying something; Lula was rushing to her, crying, “Mommy! Mommy!”

Justine could barely pick her up.

“What’s the matter, Mommy?” Lula sobbed, trying to grab Justine’s face.

“It’s all right,” Justine tried to say, the words ragged, unintelligible.

“Mommy! Mommy!” Lula choked, wrapping her arms round Justine’s neck as Daisy whined at her feet.

Gently taking the phone, Sallie Jo said to Matt, “It’s Sallie Jo here. Can you tell me—”

“Is she OK?” Matt interrupted. “She’s taken it even harder…” His voice broke on a sob.

Turning from where Justine and Lula were clinging to each other, Sallie Jo said, “Is it about your son?”

“Yes. He’s…He’s taken his own life.”

As Sallie Jo’s face paled, she whispered, “I’m sorry. I know things…I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you. Can you stay with Justine?”

“Of course. Will there be…? I guess there are arrangements…”

“I don’t know anything yet. I’m going back to the prison as soon as I’ve finished this call. I should know more after.”

“Let me speak to him,” Justine insisted before Sallie Jo could ring off. Taking the phone, she told Matt, “I’m coming over. If I can get a flight today, I should be there by morning. Can you meet me?”

There was only a brief hesitation before he said, “Just let me know what time you’re due in. Will you bring Lula?”

“Of course. I’ll call Rob…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll do that. Are you sure you want to come?”

“How can I not? He’s my son.”

Present Day—London, UK

So this was what it was like to be back on the other side of the corn-silk veil.

It felt strange, familiar but distant, danker, grayer, smaller, louder, kind of impervious to everything she was feeling and everything that had happened. The world had moved on, and were it not for the headlines and hounding of the press, Justine might have felt that she’d never been here before. That was in the good moments; in the bad she felt swamped by the nightmare all over again.

Six days had passed since Sallie Jo and Al Leith had driven her and Lula to Chicago to catch a flight to London. Al Leith? Who’d called him? Why would he have given up his Thanksgiving to take someone he barely knew to an airport?

She must remember to thank him. Maybe she should send a note or email.

She kept worrying about having messed up the day for Sallie Jo’s parents, but she’d already received emails insisting she hadn’t, and expressing sadness for her loss. Before leaving she’d given Sallie Jo permission to let her parents know the truth about Ben; she couldn’t tell by their messages how they’d received the news, but at least they were in touch. And apparently the day of celebration hadn’t ended up with no guests at all, since Cora Jane and her family had eventually managed to get through, as had Hazel’s other grandparents, and Al had managed to get Sallie Jo back by six. He’d stayed for dinner, but had driven home after in spite of a snowstorm.

Justine was still struggling to acclimate.

Although everything was in English, it was feeling foreign, different, and she wasn’t sure why. It was as though she’d stepped out of time and was trying to catch up, or slow down, or simply gain some sort of balance. The streets around Rob’s felt cluttered and dreary. The sky was too low, the trees too bare with sad, spindly arms stretching to nowhere and small clusters of leaves clinging on to the last.

The media interest didn’t let up for a minute. It was as though they couldn’t get enough of reliving the crime, showing old footage over and over, bringing in the same so-called experts they’d found before, speculating on what had gone wrong, how the affected families might be reacting to the news of Ben’s suicide.

None of those families had come forward to comment.