Nobody Can Say It’s You: A Hadley Pell Cozy Mystery (17 page)

“
I
read it
,” Hadley said.

“What did you make of it?” Anna asked.

“It sounds like somebody’s experimenting with some wicked stuff,” Hadley said.

“I thought so, too,” said Anna. “I can’t put that up on the site, Hadley. It would make me feel like I was prompting kids to trip out.”

“What are the rest like?”

“The rest of the entries are normal, mundane, boring, funny, cute, and average essays on anything from first love to zits.”

“Well, I’d definitely leave this one out. Let’s hope you don’t get any more like it. You know, weird ones, like how to kill your mother-in-law with an iron frying pan and a wad of chewing tobacco.”’

“Thanks for your input. I’ll send you some of the better ones and maybe you can help me pick the winner.”

“Be glad to, Anna.”

After ringing off, Hadley looked at Onus. She’d turned on the ceiling fan inadvertently. Onus was watching the string go round and round. He’d made his way to the couch where he made a flying leap at the string. His claw hung in the end of the string, and the poor cat was slung in circles like a circus acrobat around and around in midair.

Horrified, Hadley ran for the switch, turning off the fan. Onus flopped to the floor with a thud. The cat wasn’t hurt, but Hadley was laughing so hard she feared she’d spring a leak in her plumbing.

“
L
ou Edna
,” Hadley said, “what are you doing tonight?”

“Nothing,” said Lou Edna. “What you got in mind?”

“Go with me to Sadie’s.”

“Girl! Are you out of your mind?”

“No, I just want to nose around a little. But I want you there to tell me what it was like that night.”

“But, Hadley, every time I even think about that night, I lose one of my nine lives. It scares me to death when I begin to remember.”

“Oh, we’ll be all right.”

“How do you know? You gonna take your big, scary guard cat to make sure?”

“I just might. On second thought, Onus might turn into a panther or something. You know, some kind of mountain spell. I swear if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was pregnant. He’s eating me out of house and home.”

“Just putting on his winter fat. I’m the same way this time every year. But are you really serious about going over to Sadie’s tonight.”

“I am. I’ll be by your place about seven. Put your prettiest satin blouse on. I already know it’s pink. And wear your pink cowgirl boots.”

“What are you going to wear?”

“Sack cloth and ashes. Just a joke, Lou. I’ll have on a western shirt and some jeans.”

“Well, I guess that’s like wearing a mink stole and a designer gown for you, ain’t it.”

“Pretty much. That’s about as dressy as I get.”

“See you at seven,” Lou Edna said. “Is it a full moon or something? I must be crazy for agreeing to do this. I swore off Sadie’s after I seen that goblin in the woods. If I see him tonight, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“If we see him tonight, at least you can say ‘I told you so,’” Hadley said.

“Small comfort,” said Lou Edna.

She was still shaking her head when she hung up the phone. If Hadley had not been such a dear friend, she would have told her to forget it. But as it was, her hair was a wreck, her face looked a mess, and now she had to remember to stop by the dry cleaners and pick up her satin blouse.

The lengths she wouldn’t go to make a friend happy.

At least, she wouldn’t have to sip warm beer all night, Lou Edna thought. Hadley would order strong coffee as soon as they got there and keep ordering it. Well, at least until Sadie closed the bar after last call.

S
adie’s hadn’t changed much
since the last time Hadley had visited. That had been years ago, and she was sure that these same stale peanuts had sat all this time in their little bowls since the last time she’d tried them.

She spit out the rubbery thing in her napkin.

“Order us something, Lou,” Hadley said.

“Where you goin’?” Lou Edna asked.

“The little girl’s room,” said Hadley.

If she remembered correctly the little boy’s and girl’s rooms were out back – near the kitchen, of all places.

But Hadley wasn’t interested in finding out if the décor had changed in that one-seater water closet. She banged on the door, and the cook opened up.

“You all right?” the big-bellied cook ask.

The grease on that guy’s apron looks decades old, Hadley thought.

“Nothing to eat,” she said, before she could stop herself.

Hadley flashed a couple of twenties.

“Just some information.”

“You a cop?” the gruff grease slinger asked.

“Do I look like a cop?”

“You look like a nosy grandmother,” said the cook.

“Exactly,” said Hadley. My granddaughter was here a little while back.”

“So,” said the cook. “Lotsa women come here.”

But his eyes never left the money.

Hadley added another twenty, making a pretty fan of bills.

“She ain’t old, padnah,” Hadley said. “As a matter of fact, she looks older than she really is. I’m talkin’ underage. Fifteen, if you catch my drift. Blonde and beautiful.”

“I don’t know nuthin’,” he said.

“Look,” said Hadley, “I ain’t out to bust you for sellin’ her a few beers. It’s her boyfriend who’s really scum. You might know him. Dougal Orner.”

“They was here,” the cook said.

“Did they ask for anything from you?” Hadley said. “Besides the beers?”

“You ain’t gonna believe me,” he said.

“No hard drugs, I hope,” she said.

“Lord, naw,” he said. “You ain’t gonna believe this, lady. Not in a hundrit yars.”

“What,” Hadley said, handing over the money.

He grabbed the twenties in his fat, hairy paw.

“Garbage bags,” the cook said.

“Black garbage bags?” said Hadley.

“You got it,” the cook said, slamming the door in Hadley’s face.

“
G
irl
,” said Lou Edna, “you was gone so long, I started to call out the stool softener squad.”

“No need,” said Hadley. “I would use the woods before I used Sadie’s bathroom.”

“Well,” said Lou Edna, “Did you get lost, Little Red Riding Hood?”

“No,” said Hadley. “Come on. Let’s get outta here before we contract some ragin’ contagion. You know like the fuzzy filths or the grease cruds.”

“What’s the matter with you?” asked Lou Edna.

“I went around back. I talked to the cook,” said Hadley.

“Oh, tar and feathers!” said Lou Edna. “Now, I’ll never be able to come back here. What ya do that for? That’s like going to the city sanitation department and askin’ ’em if you can dip your toothbrush in their raw sewage soup to wet the bristles a little.”

“I know,” said Hadley. “And you’re exactly right. That cook’s apron was black with grease, Lou Edna. Tell me you’ve never ordered a hot dog or anything else from back there. I’m not so sure, but I think he had vomit on his T-shirt, too.”

“Oh, Hadley!” said Lou Edna. “Get me outta here! I need some fresh air!”

E
still took
Chandra under her wing. From that moment on, Dougal felt like a fading shadow in the sunset. How could his mother do this to him?

Like Dara and Dilcie, Estill and Chandra spent hours wandering the mountains.

“Come with me,” Estill said.

“Where are we going?” Chandra said.

“Some place special,” said Estill. “You’ve proven yourself to me, Chandra.”

Estill and Chandra crossed many property lines. She led the young woman to a beautiful waterfall.

“It is special,” said Chandra. “I feel it.”

“Look here,” Estill said, pointing out strange markings on the rocks nearby.

“What are they?”

“Watch.”

She began chanting and a sparkling blue halo appeared around the rocks. Suddenly, a portal appeared.

“Take my hand,” Estill said.

Chandra did as she was told.

Together, they walked through the rocks and stepped across into a strange and magical Other World.

“It’s fantastic,” said Chandra.

“Oh, it’s better than that. I get all of my most potent plants here.”

“I’ve never seen anything like these.”

“That’s because this is the only place where they exist. It’s like a little corner of the original Garden of Eden, Chandra. The soil, the moisture, the sun, and shade. Everything is perfect in this place for extraordinary plants to grow. But you must be careful. Use caution. There are a few that must always stay here. They are just too dangerous to use. I will show them to you.”

“Whose land are we on?” Chandra asked.

“Button Dudley’s,” Estill said.

“Button Dudley’s,” Chandra said.

And from then on the two began to hatch a plan. They both wanted this place, more than anything else in the world.

Here were the plants that would allow them to rule the world.

F
loyd Carlisle was feeling sick
. The local quack could find nothing wrong with him, but Floyd had a haunting uneasiness there was something wrong. And it was bad.

“I’m going to get another opinion,” Floyd told Margaret-Dean Angeline.

“Suit yourself,” Margaret-Dean had said. “But you look fit as a fiddle to me.”

Floyd looked at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t bad, he thought. On the outside, at least. But what about the part below the skin? Were those bags developing under his eyes?

He pulled down the lower lid of one eye.

Gross.

“You want bacon or sausage or fat back?” Margaret-Dean asked.

“No breakfast for me. Haven’t got time,” said Floyd. “I’ll pick up something later.”

Floyd grabbed his briefcase and headed out the door. He had to meet some people who’d drawn up some plans for his resort. Just thinking about what he was going to do made his mouth start watering. All his life, Floyd had felt like a second-class citizen. Well, once he got hold of Dudley’s land, Floyd thought, it would be nothing but first-class. Yep. First-class all the way.

He’d show the world how much style a redneck hillbilly really had.

* * *

C
handra had been busy
. Really busy. Estill was always telling her that Chandra’s horses were galloping too quickly to take in the scenery. Whatever that meant. Chandra thought it was Estill’s way of trying to tell her to slow down. Estill wanted her to appreciate the power that she was giving her. That was all well and good, thought Chandra, but Floyd Carlisle’s resort was threatening to destroy Paradise.

Paradise was the name Chandra gave the enchanting place on Button Dudley’s land. Floyd’s PR campaign for his new resort was already winning the hearts of many in the area. Floyd promised jobs, and folks hurt by the declining coal industry were listening to his every word. Floyd was giving so many a ray of hope.

Estill said the law was on her side. But couldn’t judges and jurors be bought?

Of course.

Chandra wanted to leave nothing to chance.

She’d already made a huge mistake. Now it was time to make it right.

She’d driven out to Paradise, collected a few special plants. Then she headed back to Estill’s. She needed to take another look at the Book to make sure she had everything exactly right. She was going to put a curse on Button’s land so Floyd Carlisle would abandon his plans to develop it.

She popped a couple of pod seeds. She instantly felt their energizing power. The pod seeds were some of the first things Estill had taught Chandra about. Just a couple pod seeds and sleep was an unnecessary thing. She breathed deeply. She felt them working already.

Good. Good.

She’d need every minute available. There was so much work to do.

“
D
ougal Orner
!” Estill yelled, “I’m gonna kill you!”

Dougal had been hunting for three days. He didn’t have a thing to show for those three days except some very nasty clothes. These he started peeling off as soon as he entered the house. When Estill stepped inside, the whole place smelled like the county dump.

“You’ve been gone for days,” Estill said, “and not once did I miss this mess.”

Maybe it was the fact that Dougal had gone for 30 hours without sleep, or the tone of his mother’s voice. Perhaps, it was those morning glory seeds he’d been munching on. Whatever it was, Dougal’s rage threatened to make his head explode.

Why was she doing this to him? He hadn’t been home 30 minutes.

“Pick up those nasty clothes, Dougal,” Estill said. “You throw your filthy things around like you think we have a maid or something.”

“Well,” Dougal screamed, “we did have until you butted in. And now, the maid’s schmoozing with Berth! It’s all your fault. What did you do to poison her against me!”

“I didn’t have to do anything,” Estill said. “You did it all yourself, Dougal.”

That was all it took. Dougal sailed into his mother like a hornet out of the nest. Estill was hurt and shocked. She was going to have a very nice shiner.

“Okay,” she said, “it’s time you got a little comeuppance, mister.”

Dougal felt his body being lifted off the floor.

“Put me down,” he whined. “Mama! How do I get down from here?”

“You’re a big boy,” Estill said. “You figure it out.”

His mother left the room. Dougal floated up into the air. His backside was stuck to the ceiling for nearly 12 hours.