Authors: Rebecca Barber
And she was right. As soon as I stopped concentrating on the machines around me and let go of the fear that Joel would find me in the middle of the night, I slept like a baby. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. Or, in my case, the nurse at the foot of my bed.
Dawn broke and sunlight filled my room. As I came out of my daze I realized that the nurse was gone, but there was a note on my table over the foot of my bed.
You will be fine. You are safe here. We can help. All you need to do is let us.
I didn’t know whether to panic or just be thankful. Did she know what was going on? Had she told anyone? Or was she just suspicious? I didn’t know which way to look. My eyes scoured the room for something, anything, out of place, but everything seemed to be okay. Nothing moved. Nothing missing.
After my breakfast was delivered I waited impatiently for the doctor to come and discharge me. A bubbly young blonde with cropped hair and too many piercings in her ears and even one in her nose basically skipped into my room. “Hi, I’m Honey,” she sang.
“Of course you are,” I murmured under my breath, sitting up. “I’m Gillian,” I said, sticking out my hand awkwardly.
“Oh, I don’t shake hands. I prefer to start with a hug.” Before I could stop her she was on top of me hugging me softly. If it wasn’t so weird it would have been exactly what I needed, but I had no idea who she was.
“Umm,” I said, tapping her shoulder. As she moved away from me her animated face began to droop into a fuzzy frown. “I’m sorry,” I said, as I began wondering how I had upset her.
“Don’t be,” she waved dismissively, jumping up and perching herself on the end of my bed. “Let me introduce myself. As I was saying, my name’s Honey. I’m a counselor here at Canberra Hospital…”
I didn’t let her finish. “Look, Honey,” It came out more forcefully than I had intended. “I appreciate you coming to see me, but really, I don’t need a counselor. What I need is for my doctor to finish reading the paper, put down his coffee and come and sign the papers saying I can go home.” I was surprised by my own honesty. Maybe Charli had rubbed off on me.
“Gillian, I see a lot of abused women come through here in denial…”
“Get out!” I seethed. “I’m not in denial. And I don’t need your help. Please leave me alone.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll go. But just remember there are people here to help you if you ever want to talk.” She looked like the bubble she had floated into my room on had just burst.
“Actually, there is something you can do for me.” I smiled, watching her perk up instantly and her expression going back to that doe-eyed romantic I suspected she was.
“Anything.”
“Can you please ask my doctor to hurry up? I have a family to get back to.” As the words sunk in, so did her expression. “My family needs me.”
Defeated, Honey looked at me and shook her head. “Yes, Mrs. Matthews. I’ll find out what’s keeping him. Then you can go home to your loving family.”
I wanted to throw something at her vivacious little head. The way she spoke I knew she was judging me and she had no idea who I was or what I was going through. If I thought I would get away with it I would have sprung from my bed and smacked her across her judgmental face with my cast arm. But that would make me no better than the monster who put me in here.
And like that, my bubble burst. The reality of going home to Joel was back. I was in deep trouble, even if I couldn’t say it aloud or ask for help. Honey was right. Maybe that’s why I despised her instantly. She was right. My demons were waiting for me at home. But I knew I had to face them sometime. And I would face them on my own. Honey couldn’t help. No one could.
Twenty-Eight
Joel
As Joel walked home his frustration and rage only increased. The more he stewed on it the more toxic his thoughts became. His life had spiraled so far out of control it was barely recognizable to him these days. Gillian had taken everything that had been important to him and ruined it.
Kicking at a plastic bottle that lay on the footpath, Joel cursed and muttered under his breath. Thinking the walk and the venting would help sober him up and calm him down, he was annoyed to realize that, although it was sobering, his rage only festered and grew.
“That fucking bitch!” he snarled, pausing long enough to watch the latest model Audi go screaming past. It only fed Joel’s anger. It was just another memory of his happier, easier days. With all the strength he had he kicked the bottle at the Audi, missing it by mere centimeters as it took off down the road, leaving Joel standing alone in his fury.
Three hours later, hot, sweaty, and dirty, Joel stumbled through the front door. Heading straight for the shower, he stood there for twenty minutes letting the icy water bead on his chest.
There was still no one home. Standing alone in his massive home, Joel realized he missed his children. Lucas was an amazing young boy who Joel knew he’d neglected for far too long. He had never taken the time to be the dad that Lucas deserved. And Bianca was an angel. Even though she never knew it, when the house was quiet and Joel was alone, he would go and sit in her room and spend hours admiring the drawings she had done. Although she never knew he saw them, he had noticed the change. Barely two years ago Bianca had drawn a picture of a happy family, the five of them having a picnic on the beach, but now the pictures had changed. There were still five people in the pictures, but he was gone. In his place stood his own mother.
Then there was Charli, his eldest daughter, the one who started all of this. Joel knew he shouldn’t resent her for that, but he couldn’t help it. When the cracks had begun to appear in his marriage and his life, he had tried to hide it from her. It wasn’t her fault that she was born. But the more his marriage and life fell apart, the harder it was to hide. Gillian hadn’t slept with him in years. And Charli had seen other women coming and going from the house at all hours. Joel couldn’t even remember the last conversation he had with her where he wasn’t yelling at her, telling her to shut up.
Then it hit him. Suddenly it all made sense. Why should Charli protect him? In her eyes he was no longer part of their family. He didn’t eat dinner with them. He didn’t talk to them. He never helped with homework. He didn’t care.
Feeling the fury begin to consume him again, Joel picked up the phone and punched in his mother’s number. He wanted to talk to Gillian and he wanted to talk to her now. There were things that needed to be said. Some home truths she needed to know. And she needed to know them now. They couldn’t wait. Before she had the chance to feed their kids any more lies, Joel had something to say about it.
The phone rang and rang, and Joel grew more and more impatient. When the answering machine picked up, Joel slammed down the phone, irritated. But he was determined. Instead of giving up, he dialed his mother’s mobile number. But when that too went through to the answering service, Joel convinced himself that Adele was avoiding his calls.
“Fuck, Mum!” he exclaimed, grabbing a cushion from the sofa and throwing it at the walls, knocking a picture off. He watched with astonishment as the frame slid down the wall and the glass shattered into a million pieces. With a deep, satisfied laugh, Joel grabbed his keys and took off. The destruction of something Gillian treasured felt good.
When he arrived at his mother’s place he could hear giggling and happiness. The kids, his kids, were definitely there. He rapped on the door ferociously.
“Coming,” he heard hit mother call out in frustration. A moment later she opened the door and was unable to hide the shock on her face. “Joel!” she exclaimed, stepping out the door before closing it behind her, standing toe to toe with her son.
Joel found it strange that his own mother hadn’t invited him into her house but instead joined him on the front patio. “Hi, Mum,” he began, slightly off balance.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I came to talk to my wife. And you weren’t answering your phones,” he said a little too harshly.
“Joel, she’s not here.”
“Don’t lie to me!”
“She is not here.”
“I can hear them,” Joel waved his arms about animatedly.
Shaking her head, Adele stepped backwards. She was sensing the inevitable explosion she had already seen results of. “You can hear the kids. They’re here. They have been since they left your place. But Gillian isn’t. I promise you.”
“Well, where the fuck is she?” he fumed.
“Calm down,” Adele tried to placate her son. It was breaking her heart to see him like this. This wasn’t the son that she had raised. He was rude and angry and scary. He had been brought up better than that.
“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down!” he barked nastily. “Tell me where my wife is! She’s so pathetic to dump her kids on you and take off. And she has the audacity to call me irresponsible!”
Exhaling deeply, Adele shook her head. “Keep your voice down,” she hissed. “If you really think all that, Joel, you need more help than even I realized. First, those kids in there, they are your children as well, not just Gillian’s. And she didn’t dump them on me. I am their grandmother and they needed me. Gillian is still in the hospital. They haven’t let her out yet. Go home, Joel. Get some help. Don’t come near these kids until you have pulled yourself together. They deserve better.”
The words were barely out of her mouth before Joel was on her, grabbing her roughly and slamming her against the door. Adele squinted in pain as the door handle dug roughly into her hip. “What makes you think you have the right to talk to me like that?” he seethed.
Joel saw the fear in his mother’s eyes, only fueling his feeling of all-consuming power and control. “Because I am your mother,” she pronounced strongly.
Joel’s eyes never wavered from Adele’s, and Adele held her own, refusing to back down or be afraid. When his grip didn’t loosen and nothing was said, Adele found herself repeating her words. “Joel Jacob Matthews. Let me go. I am your mother and this isn’t acceptable behavior.” She scolded him like she had when he was five.
“I want to see my kids,” he said, dropping her arms and stepping backwards.
“Not today, Joel. Not like this. They need some time. Give them a chance to see that their mother is okay before you try to make things right,” she reasoned. Knowing his mother was right, Joel started walking away without another word. As he reached the top of the driveway Adele called out to him, still rubbing at her arms. “Joel! They are doing okay. They’re good kids. They’re just scared.”
With tears streaming down his face, Joel just stared at the ground and kept walking. Adele hadn’t known it, and neither Charli nor Joel would ever tell her, but Charli’s tiny face had been pressed against the glass the whole time. She had witnessed the whole incident. It wasn’t until Joel was walking away that he had seen her. He had seen the fear in her eyes. And instantly he knew he was responsible for it.
Joel couldn’t even think straight. Everyone he knew had turned against him. His mother wouldn’t speak to him until he got some so-called help. His daughter had reported him to the police. He wasn’t even able to get near his children. And it was entirely his wife’s fault. She had done this. If she had kept her big mouth shut then none of this would have happened. Joel knew he would be having words with Gillian as soon as he could. But there was no way he could walk into the hospital and see her. He doubted he would even get past reception. So instead he would just have to wait until she got home and then they would talk. This mess would all end. Once and for all.
Twenty-Nine
Gillian
As the clock struck seven I was consumed with anxiety. I wanted to go home. I felt fine. I had eaten the dreaded hospital food and now I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. Frustrated with waiting, I paged the nurse and asked her to prepare my discharge papers. Although she pleaded with me to just wait a little longer for the doctor to give me one final check, I couldn’t. The kids would be driving Adele nuts and I needed to get out of there. I didn’t belong in the hospital. A broken wrist wouldn’t keep me there.
Just as I was adding my final signature to the pages of forms stating that I knew I was leaving the hospital against medical advice, the doctor appeared. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Matthews, I was unexpectedly delayed. I see that you’re leaving us.” He nodded, noticing the forms in front of me.
“I feel fine and I have three kids I need to get back to,” was all I offered in way of explanation.
“Well, since you’re already leaving and dressed, do you mind if I just give you a quick going over before you head off? I promise five minutes, tops!” He held his hand up in a mock salute.
Dropping my handbag back on the bed, I agreed. Moments later he was checking my pulse, blood pressure, and taking another look at the definitive hand prints on my neck. Now that the bruising had settled it looked worse than it had originally. The marks had obviously been made by a human hand. You could see where each of Joel’s fingers had dug in. I felt myself wiggling away from his grasp as he checked them.
“Have you given any more thought to speaking with someone about this?” he probed.
Although I knew it was his job, I suddenly felt suffocated. Joel was my own problem and I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. My face flushed. All I managed to offer by the way of justification was, “No. I have my family.” Both the young doctor checking me over and I knew I would never talk about this with anyone, but he seemed to accept my answer and not push any further.
“Okay, Mrs. Matthews. You can go home. Your blood pressure is a little higher than I would like, but that is to be expected under the circumstances. Please take it easy and I’ll see you in six weeks to have a look at that wrist and remove your cast.”
As quickly as I could I jumped off the bed and scooped up my things. “Thank you,” I said.
“Gillian!” he called behind me. “I don’t want to see you back here before that. Be careful. Please.” He smiled a sad, knowing smile.
I stepped into the corridor and unexpectedly felt scared and alone. There was no one there to take me home. No one there who loved me. No one there who cared. But it was my own fault, and I knew it. I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving. Rhiannon had left messages asking me to call her as soon as I knew something. And Adele had told me that they would come and get me, but it was late and I knew she would be getting the kids fed and ready for bed and I didn’t want to make it any more chaotic for her then it already was. Besides, I had a stop to make first.
This thing with Joel was going to end, and end now. One of us had to go. It was destroying our children. I couldn’t shake the picture of Charli trembling in my lap as she blamed herself for what we had become. It wasn’t right. No child should ever feel responsible for this mess.
As I emerged from the doors and sucked in the fresh air I felt instantly better. The air in the hospital felt stale and sterilized. The smell was consuming, and once it was in your head you couldn’t shake it. Everything smelt the same, a mixture of disinfectant and sadness. In the distance I could hear the wail of the sirens, another sad soul being brought in. Shaking the thoughts from my head and forcing myself to concentrate on the problems I could fix, I jumped in a taxi and headed home. I didn’t know if Joel would be there when I got there but I would wait for him. It was time.
During the drive home I sat in the back of the taxi psyching myself up. I would convince myself that I was doing the right thing, that I would be okay and that nothing could hurt me. If I admitted the truth, the reality was very different. Everything could hurt me. Joel could hurt me. Joel could kill me. Then the thoughts would creep in. The voices in my head telling me that I was stupid and reminding me that I had just been released from the hospital, where Joel had put me, and here I was, going back for more. How brainless could I possibly be? But if this is what I needed to do to end it all, that’s what I would do. It wasn’t a choice anymore.
“Are you all right, miss?” the taxi driver asked politely as I handed him a handful of notes. “You’re very pale.”
“Um, yes. Sure. Thanks,” I mumbled incoherently, pushing open the door and climbing out of the backseat. Embarrassed, I stood frozen on the spot, staring up at the house. It took me a full five minutes once the taxi had disappeared out of view to put one foot in front of the other and make progress toward my own home.
The fear was paralyzing, but I pushed through it. I had to. My family was depending on me. Step by step I made my way to the front door and with trepidation I pushed it open, not knowing what was waiting for me on the other side. My breath caught on nothing at all. But then, from somewhere unexpected, I was filled with strength and confidence. Maybe it was the sight of Bianca’s drawing stuck to the fridge or Charli’s book on the coffee table or the line of matchbox cars reaching around the dining room table. Whatever happened next wasn’t for me. It was for them. They would never come back to this house until this was resolved.
With my nerves on edge, I summoned all my strength and called out, “Joel, are you here?”
I could hear clattering in his bedroom and then there he was. His hand on his hips, anger on his face. This wasn’t going to be easy. Joel was ready for a fight.
“Been having fun?” he sneered, leaning on the door frame.
Then, unpredictably, I was over it. I was so sick of being afraid and not saying what needed to be said, so I fought back. “Yeah, the hospital’s a great place to hang out. You should try it.”
“Whatever,” he stated dismissively.
“Don’t whatever me, Joel. This needs to end. Unless you’re going to start treating us all, not just me, but the kids too, with some kind of decency, just get out. Just leave. We don’t need you. You just make everyone miserable.”
I think Joel was shocked by my forthright position. I didn’t mince my words. “Is that right?”
“Yes, Joel. No one wants you here.”
“It’s my house, remember?”
“No. It’s our house. It’s the house we were going to raise our family in. You do remember that those kids are your family, don’t you?”
Shaking his head, Joel began to walk towards me. Inside my head was screaming, telling me to back away and just get out of there. No one knew where I was. I had no back up.
“This isn’t the life we planned.”
“No, it’s not,” I admitted. “But it’s the one you got. Grow up, Joel. Be a man. Just get out and leave us alone.” I was impressed at how stable my voice was. Outwardly I was projecting a calm demeanor, inside I was squirming.
“Do you know what it’s like to wake up with two police officers standing over you wanting to interview you about the fact your wife is in the hospital? I had no idea that you were even in the hospital or that you had big mouthed to the police,” he snarled, stepping ever closer.
“Where else was I going to go, Joel? You broke my wrist,” I stated, waving my cast in his face to prove it.
Another step. “Well, you could have at least kept your big mouth shut.”
I wanted to scream that I hadn’t said anything, but I didn’t want him to know that it was Charli. I would rather him hate me for it and take it out on me than blame her. As long as Joel believed that I was the one who had blabbed, Charli was safe. And that was more important than anything. Instead, I said nothing.
“What? Don’t you have anything to say, Gillian?” The way he said my name made my skin crawl. I could hear the venom in his voice and read the pure resentment written all over his face.
“What do you want me to say, Joel? Tell me, what is it you want to hear?” I invited.
With temptation dancing in his eyes, Joel was swiftly on me, his breath on my face. “Tell me the truth for once. Why did you use Charli to go to the police for you? Can’t you do your own dirty work? Are you that gutless?”
With Joel hovering over me I couldn’t help it, I stepped back. My hand shot up and covered my mouth. He knew. I hadn’t said anything, but he knew that it had been Charli. I was so afraid for her. When furious, Joel was capable of anything. I wanted to get out of there as quick as I could. I’d been a thoughtless idiot. I should never have come here. All I wanted to do was check on Charli and make sure she was okay.
“But who…?” I murmured.
“Oh, you didn’t know that? Or did you know but just didn’t want me to? Yes, Gillian, I know all about it. How my own darling daughter ran to the police and told them. I know how you brainwashed her and told her all the things I had done, but none of the things you had said to cause them. She thinks you’re a saint. Yet I am a monster. How delusional is she? What have you done to her? You’ve made her just like you. I bet you’re real proud,” he asked, mocking me.
I was visibly shaking now. The way he was speaking about his own daughter made me cringe with fear. Then, with a picture of Charli in my head, dressed in her favorite flannelette pajamas reading, I was strong again. This time I stepped towards Joel, squaring up my shoulders and holding my own.
“Joel, you are a monster,” I informed him directly. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe she got so tired of seeing her mother being beaten and everyone cowering around the house? So afraid of you they didn’t want to flush the toilet in case it was too loud that it upset you? She’s had enough. Charli is a smart girl. And yes, I’m proud of her. She’s stronger than I’ve ever been. And she did something I should have done a long time ago. She told someone who could help us. She went to the police.”
As the words came out, Joel’s hand collided with my cheek. An explosion of pain took hold of my face. “Why be a smart ass, Gillian? Do you deliberately try to piss me off?” he asked with a sly, satisfied smile on his face.
“Why hit me? Seriously? You asked for the truth, so here it is, Joel. Everyone in this family hates you. Your own children are terrified of you. You’re not a father or a husband. And you’re not the man I married. If he were still here we would be happy. But he left. A long time ago. Now it’s too late. Even if he does come back, I don’t want to know about it. Just go. Just get out. Out of the house and out of our lives. We don’t want anything from you. Just leave us be.” And there it was. I said what I came to say. The words I had held in for a long time were out there now. And as nervous as I was about what would come next, I felt relieved. No more hiding. I should have turned and left at that point. But I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
The next slap I didn’t see coming. Joel just stared into my defiant eyes, not wavering. Not saying a word. Then his hand connected with my face and I stumbled backwards. Grabbing hold of the armchair as I fell, I managed to stay on my feet. Just. My lip had been split and I could taste the salty blood as it seeped into my mouth. Dabbing at it gently, I pulled myself together. Perhaps another mistake I made.
Just as I steadied myself again, Joel landed a punch to my stomach. This time I hit the floor with a thud. Gasping for breath, Joel hovered over me. “You think you’re better than me,” he growled. His voice was filled with bitterness. “You were nothing when I met you. I made you. You think you can be anything without me? You’re dumber than even I thought.”
He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me to my feet with it. I wanted to scream out in pain but there was no use. No one would hear me. I knew this was only the beginning. Standing face to face, Joel had one hand holding me securely by the shoulder and the other on my chin, forcing me to look him in the eye. “I deserve better than you. You are nothing but trash, Gillian. A stupid, pathetic girl who is too dumb to even work contraception properly. It’s not rocket science, you know.” Another punch to the stomach and I went down like a sack of potatoes.
Lying on the floor wheezing, I looked up and saw someone I once loved who was now barely recognizable to me. Gone was the charismatic, charming man who had won my heart, and in his place was this lost, lonely little boy. Joel had no idea who he was anymore, or where he belonged. And for the first time I accepted that I couldn’t help him. For years I watched him struggle with that reality and said nothing. But now enough was enough. If I survived today, if tomorrow I was still able to walk and talk and breathe, I would give up waiting for him to come back to me. It was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching to accept it, but as he reached for me again, I knew it was all I had left that I could do.
“Get up!” he boomed, completely dominating me.
With all the strength I could conjure, I pushed myself up. The pain killers they dosed me up with at the hospital had begun to wear off and I was aching all over. My face was stinging, I was parched from the lack of oxygen, and I could still taste the salty blood on my tongue.