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Yet as the sun lowered, and the hawk climbed the sky again and again, striking and killing, Kerwin wasdrawn once more into the ecstatic rapport of woman and falcon, blood and terror and excitement. At last Neyrissa turned to the falconer, said, “No more, take the birds back,” and drew her horse up, breathingin long, slow breaths as she watched him ride away. Kerwin was sure she had forgotten him. Without aword she turned her horse back toward the distant gates of Arilinn.
Kerwin rode after her, curiously subdued. A wind was rising, and he drew his cloak carefully around hishead. Riding after Neyrissa’s shrouded figure, with the dim red sun low in the sky and a crescent of violetmoon low over a distant hill, pale and shadowy, he had the curious sense that he was alone on the face ofthis world with the woman, her head turned away, riding after her as the falcon had pursued the fleeingbird… He dug his heels into the flanks of his horse and rode after her, racing as if on the wings of theflying wind, lost in the excitement of the chase… clinging to his horse with his knees, by instinct, his wholemind caught up in the excitement of the chase, awareness surging in him. As he rode, he was faintlyaware of the still-lingering rapport with the woman, the excitement in her own body, her awareness of thepursuing hoofs, the long chase, a strange hunger not unmixed with fear… Images flooded his mind,overtaking her, snatching her from her horse, flinging her to the ground… it was a flooding, crestingsexual excitement, sharing it with her, so that unconsciously he speeded his mount, till he was at her veryheels at the gate of the city…
Realization flooded over him. What was he doing? He was an invited guest here, a co-worker, nowsworn to them; a civilized man, not a bandit or a hawk! The blood pounded in his temples, and heavoided Neyrissa’s eyes as grooms came to take their horses. They dismounted; yet he sensed that shetoo was weak with excitement, tha’t she could hardly stand. He felt ashamed and troubled by theprevalence of the sexual fantasy, aghast at the thought that she had shared it. In the small dimensions ofthe stable she moved past him, their bodies not quite touching, yet he was very aware of the womanunder the folded cloak, and he ducked his head to conceal the color that flooded through his face.
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Just beyond the Veil, on the inner staircase, she suddenly stopped and raised her eyes to him. She saidquietly, “I am sorry. I had forgotten—please believe me, I did not do that willingly. I had forgotten thatyou would not—not yet be able to barricade, if it was unwelcome to you.”
He looked at her, a little shamefaced, hardly taking it in that she had formed and shared that curiousfantasy. Trying to be polite, he said, “It doesn’t matter.”
“But it does,” she said angrily. “You don’t understand. I had forgotten what it would mean to you, and it is not what it would mean to one of us.” Abruptly her mind was open to him and he was shockingly aware of the taut excitement in her, nakedly sexual, now unmasked by the symbolism of the falcon-hunt. He felt troubled, embarrassed. She said, in a low, vicious voice, “I told you; you do not understand; I should not have done that to you unless your barriers were adequate to block it, and they were not. In a man—in one of our own—the fact that you accepted it and—and shared it—would mean something more than it does to you. It is my fault; it happens sometimes, after rapport. It is my failure. Not yours, Kerwin; you are not bound by anything. Don’t trouble yourself; I know you don’t want—”She drew a long breath, looking straight at him, and he could feel her anger and frustration.
Kerwin said, troubled, still only half understanding, “Neyrissa, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—to doanything to offend or hurt you—”
“I know that, damn you,” she said in a rage. “I tell you: It happens sometimes. I have been a monitor for enough years that I know I am responsible for it. I misjudged the level of your barriers, that is all! Stop making a thing of it, and get control of yourself before we spread this all through Arilinn! I can handle it; you can’t, and Elorie is young. I won’t have
her
disturbed with this nonsense!”
It was like a sudden flooding with ice water, drowning it all, drenching his awareness of the woman, inshock and awareness, that the other telepaths here might pick up his fantasies, his needs… He felt nakedand exposed, and Neyrissa’s rage was like crimson lightning through the flooding shock. He felt stripped,shamed to the ultimate. Stammering a sickened apology, he fled up the stairs and took refuge in his ownroom. He was still not entirely aware what had happened, but it troubled him.
Long introspection told him that concealment of emotions was impossible in a telepath group; and whenthey met again, though he was worried for fear his shameful inability to block his own thoughts shouldhave spoilt the ease with which he was accepted, no one spoke of it or even seemed to think about it. Hewas beginning to understand a little what it meant to be open, even to your innermost thoughts, to a groupof outsiders. He felt flayed, embarrassed, as if he had been stripped nude and displayed; but hesupposed none of them had gone through life without an embarrassing thought, and he’d simply have toget used to it.
And at least he knew, now, that there was no use trying to pretend with Neyrissa. She knew him, shehad gone, as a monitor, deep into his body, and now into his mind too, even those bare spots he wouldrather she hadn’t seen. And she still accepted him. It was a good feeling. Paradoxically he didn’t like herany better than he had before, but now he knew that didn’t matter; they had shared something, andaccepted it.
He had been at Arilinn about forty days when it occurred again to him that he had seen nothing of thecity, and one morning he asked Kennard—he was not sure of his status here—if he could go andexplore. Kennard stared briefly, and said, “Why not?” Then, breaking out of reverie, said, “Zandru’shells, youngster, you don’t have to ask permission to do anything you please. Go alone, or one of us willcome and show you about, or take one of the
kyrri
to keep you from getting lost. Suit yourself!”
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Auster turned from the fireplace—they were all in the big hall—and said sourly, “Don’t disgrace us bygoing in those clothes, will you?”
Anything Auster said always roused Kerwin’s determination to do exactly that. Rannirl said, “You’ll bestared at in those things, Jeff.”
“He’ll be stared at anyway,” Mesyr said.
“Nevertheless. Come along, I’ll find you some of my things—we’re just about the same height, I think
—for the time being. And we ought to do something about getting you a proper outfit, too.”
Kerwin felt ridiculous when he got into the short laced jerkin, the long blouse with loose sleeves, the fullbreeches coming down only to the top of his boots. Rannirl’s notions of color were not his, either; if hehad to wear Darkovan clothing—and he supposed he
did
look pretty silly in Terran uniform—he needn’tgo about in a magenta doublet with orange insets! At least, he hoped not!
He was surprised, though, to discover, glancing into a mirror, how the flamboyant outfit suited him. Itshowed to advantage the unusual height and coloring that had always made him feel awkward in Terranclothing. Mesyr cautioned him against wearing any headgear; Arilinn Tower telepaths showed their redheads proudly, and this protected them against accidental injury or insult. On a world of daily violencelike Darkover, where street riots were a favorite form of showing high spirits, Jeff Kerwin conceded thatthis probably made good sense.
As he walked in the streets of the city—he had chosen to go alone—he was conscious of stares andwhispers, and nobody jostled him. It was a strange city to him; he had grown up in Thendara, and thedialect here was different, and the cut of the clothing the women wore, longer skirts, fewer of theimported Terran climbing jackets and more of the long hooded capes, on men and women both. Thefootgear of a Terran did not suit the Darkovan clothing he was wearing—Rannirl, taller than Kerwin, hadsurprisingly small feet for a man, and his boots had not fitted—so on an impulse, passing a street-shopwhere boots and sandals were displayed, Kerwin went inside and asked to see a pair of boots.
The proprietor seemed so awed and respectful that Kerwin began to wonder if he had committed somesocial error—evidently the Comyn rarely went into ordinary shops—until the bargaining began. Then theman kept trying so hard to shift Kerwin from the modestly-priced boots he had chosen to the mostexpensive and well-crafted pairs in the shop, that Kerwin grew angry and began to bargain hotly. Theshopkeeper kept insisting with a beautifully-genuine distress that these poor things were not worthy ofthe
vai dom
. Finally Kerwin settled on two pairs, one of riding boots, and one set of the soft low-cutsuede boots that all the men of Arilinn seemed to wear all the time indoors. Taking out his wallet, heasked, “What do I owe you?”
The man looked shocked and offended. “What have I done to merit this insult,
vai dom
? You have lentgrace to me and to my shop; I cannot accept payment!”
“Oh, look here,” Kerwin protested. “You mustn’t do that—”
“I have told you these poor things are not worthy of your attention,
vai dom
, but if the High-lord would
venture to accept from me a pair truly worthy of his notice—”
“Hells’s bells,” muttered Kerwin, wondering what was going on and what Darkovan taboo he’d
blundered into, unknowing, this time.
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The man gave Kerwin a sharp look, then said, “Forgive my presumption,
vai dom
, but you are thehigh-lord Comyn Kerwin-Aillard, are you not?”
Recalling the custom that gave a Darkovan child the name and rank of the highest-ranking parent, Kerwin admitted it, and the man said, firmly and respectfully, but rather as if he were instructing aretarded child in suitable manners, “It is not the custom to accept payment for anything that a Comynhigh-Lord condescends to accept, sir.”
Kerwin gave in gracefully, not wanting to make a scene, but he felt embarrassed. How the devil could heget the other things he wanted? Just go and ask for them? The Comyn seemed to have a nice little racketgoing, but he wasn’t larcenous enough to enjoy it. He was used to working for what he wanted, andpaying for it.
He tucked the package under his arm, and walked along the street. It felt curiously different andpleasant, to walk through a Darkovan city as a citizen, not an outsider, not an interloper. He thoughtbriefly of Johnny Ellers, but that was another life, and the years he had spent with the Terran Empire werelike a dream.
“Kerwin?”
He looked up to see Auster, clad in green and scarlet, standing before him. Auster said, pleasantly forhim, “It occurred to me that you might get lost. I had business in the city and I thought perhaps I mightfind you in the marketplace.”
“Thanks,” Kerwin said. “I wasn’t lost yet, but the streets are a little confusing. Good of you to come after me.” He was startled at the friendly gesture; Auster alone, of all the circle, had been persistently unfriendly.
Auster shrugged, and suddenly, as clearly as if Auster had spoken, Kerwin sensed it, clear patterned:
He’s lying. He said that so I wouldn’t ask his business down here. He didn’t come to meet me andhe’s sore about it
. But he shrugged the thought aside. What the hell, he wasn’t Auster’s keeper. Maybethe man had a girl down here, or a friend, or something. His affairs were none of Kerwin’s business.
But why did he think he had to explain to me why he was in the city?
They had fallen into step together, turning their steps back in the direction of the Tower, which lay like along arm of shadow over the marketplace. Auster paused.
“Care to stop somewhere and have a drink before we get back?”
Although he appreciated the friendly offer, Kerwin shook his head. “Thanks. I’ve been stared at enoughfor one day. I’m not that much of a drinker, anyhow. Thanks all the same. Another time, maybe.“
Auster gave him a quick look, not friendly, but understanding. He said, “You’ll get used to being staredat—on one level. On another, it keeps getting worse. The more you’re isolated with—with your ownkind—the less you’re able to tolerate outsiders.”
They walked for a moment, shoulder to shoulder. Behind him, then, Kerwin heard a sudden yell. Austerwhirled, giving Kerwin a hard, violent shove; Kerwin lost his footing, taken off balance, slipped and fellsprawling as something hurtled past and struck the wall behind him. A flake of stone ricocheted off,
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striking Kerwin’s cheek, and laid it open to the bone.
Auster had slid off balance and fallen to his knees; he hauled himself to his feet, looking warily around,picked up the heavy paving-stone someone had hurled with what could have been a deadly accuracy.
Kerwin said, “What the hell!” He picked himself up, staring at Auster.
Auster said stiffly, “I apologize—”
Kerwin cut him short. “Forget it. You saved me a nasty bruise. If that thing had hit me amidships, I couldhave been killed.” He touched his cheek with careful fingers. “Who threw that damn thing?”
“Some malcontent,” Auster said, and looked round, unquiet. “Strange things are abroad in Arilinn these
days. Kerwin, do me a favor?”
“I guess I owe you one at that.”