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He turned and went out, and Kerwin went and threw himself face down on his bed, seeing it clearly forthe first time.
Auster was right. He heard, like a grim echo, the words of the matrix mechanic who had paid with herown life for showing him a scrap of his own past.
You are the one who was sent, a trap that missed itsfiring
. But she had said something else too.
You will find the thing you love, and you will destroy it;but you will save it, too
.
True, her prophecy, that old and unlovely and doomed woman whose name or history he was never toknow. He had found what he loved, and already he had come close to destroying it. Could he save it, ifhe went away now, or was it already too late?
Oh, Elorie, Elorie
! But he must not even whisper her name. Even a thought could disturb her hard-wonpeace. Kerwin rose, grim-faced, knowing what he must do.
Slowly he stripped off the suede-leather breeches and laced boots, the bright jerkin; he dressed himselfagain in the Terran uniform he had laid aside—forever, he thought—when he came here.
He hesitated over the matrix stone, cursing, torn, wanting to fling it from the highest window of the
Tower and shatter it on the stones; but at last he put it into his pocket. He was under enough stress now,
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and he had always felt uneasy when it was, physically, out of his reach.
It was my mother’s. It went with her into exile. It can go with me, too.
He hesitated, too, over the embroidered ceremonial cloak lined with fur that had begun this chain ofevents; but at last he put it round his shoulders. It was his, honestly bought with money earned on anotherworld; and, sentiment aside, it was a bulwark against the bitter cold of the Darkovan night. He was stillwearing the slash of Ragan’s knife (was this all the Comyn could give him, knife wounds in his body,keener wounds in his soul?) and he couldn’t afford to get chilled. And—another immensely practicalconsideration—on the streets of Arilinn, a man in Terran uniform would show up like a starflower on thebare glaciers of the Hellers. The cloak would keep him decently anonymous until he was a good longway away from here.
He went to the door of his room. There was a good smell of hot food somewhere; knife fights, bloodfeuds, endless telepathic operations within the matrix chamber could come and go, but practical Mesyrwould plan their dinners, persuade the
kyrri
to cook them as she wished, chide Rannirl for spoiling hisappetite with wine before dinner, search out new ribbons for Elorie’s filmy dresses, scold the men forflinging muddy boots in the great hall after riding or hunting. He heard her cheery calm voice with awrench of nostalgia. This was the only home he had ever known.
I always wanted my grandmother Kerwin to be just like her
.
He passed an open door. The drift of Taniquel’s delicate, flowery perfume wafted out, and he heard hersinging somewhere in the suite. A brief vision caught at him, of her slim, pretty body half-submerged ingreenish water, her curls piled atop her head as she scrubbed. Tenderness overwhelmed him; she hadslept away the weariness of the night’s work, and did not yet know of the aftermath of the knife fight…nor did Kennard.
The thought froze him. Soon now, if not already, the touch of rapport would begin to drift among themas they gathered for the evening, and then they would all know what he planned. He must go quickly, orhe would not be able to go at all.
He flung the hood over his head, slipped down the stairs unseen, and out through the Veil. Now he wassafe; the Veil insulated thought, too. Moving resolutely, holding his weariness at bay, he went through thecluster of buildings near the Tower, across the airstrip, and toward the city of Arilinn.
His plans were vague. Where could he go? The Terrans had not wanted him. Now there was no placefor him on Darkover either, no safety; wherever he hid, from Dalereuth to Aldaran, there was no refugeso remote that the Comyn could not find him; certainly not while he bore the matrix of the renegade Cleindori.
Back to the Terrans, then. Let them deport him, stop fighting his fate. They might simply deport him. Butif they had actually planted him on the Comyn, a giant booby trap, what would they do when theydiscovered that he had sabotaged their plan, a carefully-laid plan that had taken two generations to bringto fruition?
Did it matter? They could do their worst.
Did anything matter now?
He raised his eyes, looked directly into the great red bloodshot eye of what some romantic Terran, a
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few generations ago, had dubbed the Bloody Sun. It was sinking behind the Arilinn Tower; he watched it vanish, and with it came the swiftly lowering darkness, the chill and silence. The last gleam of the bloody sun went out; the Tower lingered a minute, a pale afterimage on Jeff’s eyelids, then dissolved in stinging rain. A single blue light shone from near the tip of the Tower, battling valiantly to pierce the mist and rain; then vanished as if it had never been. Kerwin wiped the rain from his eyes (was the rain salt and warm, stinging his face?) turned his back resolutely on the Tower and walked into the city.
He found a place where they did not recognize him either as Terran or Comyn, but looked only at thecolor of his money, and gave him a bed, and privacy, and enough to drink—he hoped—to blot outthought and memory, blur the vain, unavoidable reliving of those brief weeks in Arilinn.
It was a monumental drunk. He never knew how many days it lasted, or how many times he staggeredinto the streets of Arilinn for more to drink and back to his hole like a wounded animal. When he slept,the darkness was blurred with faces and voices and memories he could not endure; he came at last up toconsciousness from a long forgetfulness, more sleep than stupor, and found them all around his bed.
For a moment he thought it was the aftermath of bad whiskey, or that his overloaded mind had cracked. Then Taniquel made an uncontrollable sound of dismay and pity and flung herself down on her kneesbeside the filthy pallet where he was lying. And then he knew they were really there.
He rubbed a hand over his unshaven chin, wet his cracked lips with his tongue. His voice wouldn’t obeyhim.
Rannirl said, “Did you really think we would let you go like this,
bredu
?” He used the inflection thatmade the word mean,
beloved brother
.
Kerwin said thickly, “Auster—”
“Doesn’t know everything,” Kennard said. “Jeff, can you listen to us sensibly now, or are you still too
drunk?”
He sat up. The squalor of the hideout room, the empty bottle at the foot of the tangled blanket, the ache,still sharp, in the neglected knife wound, seemed all part of the same thing, his own misery and defeat. Taniquel was holding his hand, but it was the monitor’s touch of Neyrissa that he felt on his mind.
“He’s sober enough,” she said.
He looked around at them. Taniquel, her firm little fingers pressing his; Corus, looking troubled, almosttearful; Rannirl, troubled and friendly; Kennard, sad and concerned; Auster, bitterly aloof.
Elorie, her face a white mask, the eyes red and swollen; Elorie, in tears!
Kerwin sat up, gently letting Taniquel’s hand go. He said, “Oh, God, why must we go through all thisagain? Didn’t Auster tell you?”
“He told us a lot of things,” Kennard said, “all rooted in his own fears and prejudices.”
“I don’t even deny that,” Auster said. “I ask if the fears and prejudices weren’t justified. That spy— what did Jeff say his name was? Ragan. He’s another of them. It’s fairly obvious—damn it, I
recognize
the man. I’d swear he’s a
nedestro
of Comyn, maybe Ardais or even Aldaran! With Terran blood. Just right to spy on us. And Jeff—He could even come through the Veil! And fool Kennard on telepathic
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interrogation!”
Rannirl said angrily, “I think you see Terran spies under every pillow, Auster!”
Taniquel reached for Kerwin’s hand again. She said, “We can’t let you go, Jeff. You’re one of us,you’re a part of ourselves. Where will you go? What will you do?”
Kennard said, “Wait, Tani. Jeff, bringing you to Arilinn was a calculated risk; we knew that before wecalled you through the matrix, and we all agreed on the risk. And it was more than that. We wanted tostrike a blow against dark magic and taboo, take a first step toward making matrix mechanics a science,not a—a thing of sorcery. To prove it could be learned by anyone, not by a sacrosanct— priesthood.”
“I don’t know that I agree with Kennard on that,” Neyrissa said. “I want no shadow of the Forbidden Tower, with their dirty ways and their forsworn Keepers, to touch Arilinn. But we’ve reclaimed Arilinn; and Jeff, Tani is right, you’re one of us. We all agreed on the risk.”
“But can’t you understand?” Kerwin’s voice broke. “I’m
not
willing to take the risk. Not when I’m not sure that I’m—I’m a free agent, not a planted spy; when I don’t know what they might make me do. When they might make me destroy you.”
“Maybe
this
was how you were meant to destroy us,” Corus said, and his voice was bitter. “To make
us trust you—and then, when we can’t work without you, to walk out on us.”
“That’s a damnably unfair way of putting it, Corus,” Jeff said hoarsely. “I’m trying to save you; I can’t be
the one to destroy you!”
Taniquel bent her head and put her cheek against his hand. She was crying without a sound. Auster’sface was hard. “Kerwin is right, Kennard, and you know it. He’s got guts enough to want to do the rightthing, anyway. And you’re only hurting us all by prolonging this.”
Kennard stood leaning heavily on his stick, looking down at them all with contempt, with lip-bitingrepressed anger.
“Cowards, all of you! Now that we have a chance to
fight
this damned nonsense! Rannirl, you know
what’s right! You’ve said it yourself—”
Rannirl clenched his teeth. He said, “My private beliefs are one thing; the will of the Council is another. Irefuse to make a political statement about my career in Arilinn. I’m a technician, not a diplomat. Jeff is myfriend. I gave him my knife. I call him brother, and I will defend him against his enemies. He doesn’t haveto go back to the Terrans. Jeff—” He turned to the man on the bed and said, “When you leave here, youdon’t need to go back to the Terrans; go to my family home in the Kilghard Hills. Ask anyone where tofind Lake Mirion. Tell anyone there that you are my sworn brother; show them the knife I gave you. When this is settled, perhaps you can come back to Arilinn.”
“I didn’t think you were such a coward, Rannirl,” Kennard said. “Defend him here, why don’t you? If he needs a home, Armida is his; or, as Cleindori’s child, Mariposa Lake. But isn’t there anyone with the guts to stand up for him at Arilinn? He’s not the first Terran—”
“You’re too damn transparent, Kennard,” Auster said. “All you care about is getting that half-caste boy of yours into Arilinn some day, and you’ll even put up with a Terran spy to create a precedent! Can’t your damned son make it into Arilinn on his own merits, if he has any? I don’t wish Jeff any harm now;
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Zandru seize this hand—” he laid it briefly on the hilt of his dagger—“if I wish him any harm. But he mustnot return to Arilinn; we cannot risk a Terran spy actually within a matrix circle. If he returns to Arilinn, Iwill go.”
“And I,” said Neyrissa. Rannirl, looking bitterly ashamed, said, “I am sorry. So will I.”
“Cowards,” Corus flung at them fiercely. “The Terrans have broken our circle after all, haven’t they?
They didn’t need to make Jeff their spy. They just had to make us suspect him!”
Kennard shook his head in disbelieving disgust. He said, “Are you really going to do this, all of you?”
Kerwin wanted to cry out:
I love you all, stop torturing me this way
! He said thickly, “Now that youknow it can be done, you’ll find someone to take my place.”
“Who?” Elorie asked bitterly. “Kennard’s half-caste son? He’s not ten years old yet! Old Leominda from Neskaya? The Heir to Hastur, who’s only four years old, or the Heir to Elhalyn, who’s nine years old and not much better than a half-wit? My madman of a father, perhaps ? Little Callina Lindir from Neskaya?”
Kennard said, “We went all over this when we decided to bring Jeff here. In all the Seven Domains wecould find no other candidates. And now, when we have a fully qualified and functioning Keeper’s Circleat Arilinn, you are going to throw that away and let Jeff go? After all we went through to get him here?”
“No!” Elorie startled them all with her cry. She flung herself forward; afraid she would fall, Kerwin put out a hand to catch her. He would have let her go at once, respectfully, but she clung to him, her arms tightening around him. Her face was whiter than when she had collapsed in the matrix chamber.
“No,” she whispered. “No, Jeff, no, don’t go! Stay with us, Jeff, whatever happens—I beg you, I can’t
bear to see you go—”