Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB (11 page)
Read Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB Online
Authors: by Marshall B. Rosenberg
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of
what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives
. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we
are
requesting rather than what we are
not
.
When we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard. Especially when we are expressing ourselves in a group, we need to be clear about the nature of the response we are wanting back. Otherwise we may be initiating unproductive conversations that waste considerable group time.
Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly. The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.
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Sharing Fears About A Best Friend’s Smoking
Al and Burt have been best friends for over thirty years. Al, a non-smoker, has done everything he can over the years to persuade Burt to give up his two-pack-a-day habit. Aware during the past year of the increasing severity of his friend’s hacking cough, Al finds himself bursting out one day with all the energy and life that had been buried in his unexpressed anger and fear.
Al:
Burt, I know we’ve talked about this a dozen times, but listen. I’m scared your damned cigarettes are going to kill you! You’re my best friend, and I want you around for as long as I can have you. Please don’t think I’m judging you. I’m not—I’m just really worried.
(In the past, when Al had tried to get him to quit, Burt had often accused Al of judging him.)
Burt:
No, I hear your concern. We’ve been friends for a long time . . .
Al: (making a request)
Would you be willing to quit?
Burt:
I wish I could.
Al: (listening for the feelings and needs preventing Burt from agreeing to the request)
Are you scared to try because you don’t want to fail?
Burt:
Yeah . . . you know how many times I’ve tried before . . . I know people think less of me for not being able to quit.
Al: (guessing at what Burt might want to request)
I don’t think less of you. And if you tried and failed again, I still wouldn’t. I just wish you’d try.
Burt:
Thanks. But you’re not the only one. . . . It’s everyone: you can see it in their eyes—they think you’re a failure.
Al: (empathizing with Burt’s feeling)
Is it kind of overwhelming to worry about what others might think, when just quitting is hard enough?
Burt:
I really hate the idea that I might be addicted, that I have something that I just can’t control . . .
Al: (his eyes connecting with Burt’s, nods head in affirmative. Al’s interest and attention to Burt’s deep feelings and needs are revealed through his eyes and the silence that follows)
.
Burt:
I mean, I don’t even like smoking any more. It’s like you’re a pariah if you do it in public. It’s embarrassing.
Al: (continuing to empathize)
It sounds like you’d really like to quit, but are scared you might fail—and how that would be for your self-image and confidence.
Burt:
Yeah, I guess that’s it. . . . You know, I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it before. Usually when people tell me to quit, I just tell them to get lost. I’d like to quit, but I don’t want all that pressure from people.
Al:
I wouldn’t want to pressure you. I don’t know if I could reassure you about your fears around not succeeding, but I sure would like to support you in any way I can. That is . . . if you want me to . . .
Burt:
Yes, I do. I’m really touched by your concern and willingness. But . . . suppose I’m not ready to try yet, is that okay with you too?
Al:
Of course, Burt, I’ll still like you as much. It’s just that
I want to like you for longer! (Because Al’s request was a genuine request, not a demand, he maintains awareness of his commitment to the quality of the relationship, regardless of Burt’s response. He expresses this awareness and his respect for Burt’s need for autonomy through the words, “I’ll still like you,” while simultaneously expressing his own need “to like you for longer.”)
Burt:
Well, then, maybe I will try again . . . but don’t tell anyone else, okay?
Al:
Sure, you decide when you’re ready; I won’t be mentioning it to anybody.
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Expressing Requests
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To see whether we’re in agreement about the clear expression of requests, circle the number in front of any of the following statements in which the speaker is clearly requesting that a specific action be taken.
“I want you to understand me.”
“I’d like you to tell me one thing that I did that you appreciate.”
“I’d like you to feel more confidence in yourself.”
“I want you to stop drinking.”
“I’d like you to let me be me.”
“I’d like you to be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting.”
“I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.”
“I’d like to get to know you better.”
“I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”
“I’d like you to prepare supper more often.”
Here are my responses for Exercise 4:
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, the word “understand” does not clearly express a specific action being requested. Instead, the speaker might have said, “I want you to tell me what you heard me say.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that the statement clearly expresses what the speaker is requesting.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, the words “feel more confidence” do not clearly express a specific action being requested. The speaker might have said, “I’d like you to take a course in assertiveness training, which I believe would increase your self-confidence.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, the words “stop drinking” do not clearly express what the speaker wants, but rather what he or she doesn’t want. The speaker might have said, “I want you to tell me what needs of yours are met by drinking, and to discuss with me other ways of meeting those needs.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, the words “let me be me” do not clearly express a specific action being requested. The speaker might have said, “I want you to tell me you won’t leave our relationship—even if I do some things that you don’t like.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, the words “be honest with me” do not clearly express a specific action that is being requested. The speaker might have said, “I want you to tell me how you feel about what I did and what you’d like me to do differently.”
If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that the statement clearly expresses what the speaker is requesting.
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, this sentence does not clearly express a specific action being requested. The speaker might have said, “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to meet for lunch once a week.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, the words “show respect for my privacy” do not clearly express a specific action being requested. The speaker might have said, “I’d like you to agree to knock before you enter my office.”
If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. To me, the words “more often” do not clearly express a specific action being requested. The speaker might have said, “I’d like you to prepare supper every Monday night.”
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Receiving Empathically
The last four chapters describe the four components of NVC: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we wish to request to enrich our lives. Now we turn from self-expression to apply these same four components to hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. We refer to this part of the communication process as “receiving empathically.”
The two parts of NVC: —expressing honestly —receiving empathically
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: “The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.”
In relating to others, empathy occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them. The Austrian-born Israeli philosopher Martin Buber describes this quality of presence that life demands of us: “In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.”
Empathy: emptying the mind and listening with our whole being
The presence that empathy requires is not easy to maintain. “The capacity to give one’s attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle,” asserts French writer Simone Weil. “Nearly all those who think they have the capacity do not possess it.” Instead of empathy, we tend instead to have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand, requires focusing full attention on the other person’s message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. There is a Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or “fix-it” advice. I received a lesson from my daughter that taught me to check whether advice or reassurance is wanted before offering any. She was looking in the mirror one day and said, “I’m as ugly as a pig.”
“You’re the most gorgeous creature God ever put on the face of the earth,” I declared. She shot me a look of exasperation, exclaimed “Oh, Daddy!”, and slammed the door as she left the room. I later found out that she was wanting some empathy. Instead of my illtimed reassurance, I could have asked, “Are you feeling disappointed with your appearance today?”
My friend Holley Humphrey identified some common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples of such obstacles:
Advising: “I think you should . . . ” “How come you didn’t . . . ?”
One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”
Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just . . . ”
Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time . . . ”
Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing . . . ”
Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
Explaining: “I would have called but . . . ”
Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
In his book,
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
, Rabbi Harold Kushner describes how painful it was for him, when his son was dying, to hear the words people offered that were intended to make him feel better. Even more painful was his recognition that for twenty years he had been saying the same things to other people in similar situations!Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present. Those of us in the role of counselor or psychotherapist are particularly susceptible to this belief. Once, when I was working with twenty-three mental health professionals, I asked them to write, word for word, how they would respond to a client who says, “I’m feeling very depressed. I just don’t see any reason to go on.” I collected the answers they had written down and announced, “I am now going to read out loud what each of you wrote. Imagine yourself in the role of the person who expressed the feeling of depression, and raise your hand after each statement you hear that gives you a sense that you’ve been understood.” Hands were raised to only three of the twenty-three responses. Questions such as, “When did this begin?” constituted the most frequent response; they give the appearance that the professional is obtaining the information necessary to diagnose and then treat the problem. In fact, such intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires. When we are thinking about people’s words, listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people—we are not with them. The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing.
Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.