Authors: Christina Cole
No regrets
.
The
words shot through his brain. What the hell was he thinking? Life was all about
regrets, all about making mistakes and never being able to fix them again. His
entire life suddenly seemed to be nothing more than one huge regret from
beginning to end.
Except
for Hattie Mae.
He’d never regret the time he spent with her.
“So,
you didn’t listen then. I’m telling you to listen now.” Whitmore tapped a
finger to Willie’s head. “You’ve got a good mind, and it’s time you put it to
use. I’ve been watching you, keeping an eye on how you’ve been getting along.
I’ll admit, I’d about given up on you, but then that accident happened. It
changed you.”
“Yes,
it certainly did.” But not in the way Whitmore thought. Willie smiled again as
sweet thoughts of Hattie tickled his brain.
“You
still have any of your father’s law books?”
“A few,
but—”
“Probably
out of date, anyway. Come around my office later this morning. I’ll loan you a
few books. Of course, I’ll expect you to work hard, put in a lot of time
studying.”
Willie’s
mind spun. Things were happening so fast, he couldn’t process all the
information at once. “Yes, I will, sir.” He fought to slow his breathing. “And
if I have questions?”
“I’ll
be there to help you. I’m in need of a law clerk, and if you’re interested, the
position is yours.”
Willie
didn’t understand. What possible reason would George Whitmore have for wanting
to help him? No one else had been willing to give him a chance. “I appreciate
it, but, why are you doing this?”
Whitmore
didn’t hesitate. “I’m doing it because it’s the right thing. What other reason
is there?” He extended a hand to Willie. “Think about that, all right?”
“Yes, I
will. I’ll come by your office later this morning.” He broke out into a broad
smile. “Thank you, Mr. Whitmore.”
As the
man walked away, his words remained stuck in Willie’s head.
What
other reason was there for any action or decision in life other than doing what
was right? It made so much sense, and it made life so simple.
But then
again, doing the right thing wasn’t always easy.
His
thoughts rushed toward Hattie, then raced on to that little cabin in the woods.
He closed his eyes, letting memories of their unrestrained passions wash over
him. They left him weak, but he gathered his courage anew.
He’d
been taking advantage of Hattie Mae, and her willingness to engage in their
illicit affair did not make it right.
Nor did her careful
calculations and her assurances that there would be no consequences.
They
were set on a course to live their lives without regrets, but that didn’t give
him the right to use Hattie for his own selfish pleasures.
He had
to put a stop to it.
* * *
*
“I’m
beginning to worry. I think the Kellermans suspect something’s afoot.”
Hattie
glanced over her shoulder as she stepped inside the little cabin. Seeing no one
in the surrounding landscape, she sighed and turned her attention to the man
before her. She and Willie were alone. No one had followed her.
For
weeks they’d been meeting at the old cabin, both of them arranging their days
off work in order to have this time together. No one had lived in the place for
years. Sawdust and old woodchips still covered much of the floor, left behind
by the eccentric woodcarver whose home it had once been. An occasional squatter
found the place and laid claim to it, but now, to Hattie’s mind, it had become
their place
. Not a home, exactly, but a
place of love, a place of bliss, a place where she could leave all the rules
and restrictions behind and live in a world of her own choosing.
“Is it
true what I’ve heard?” she asked, reaching for the strings of her bonnet.
“You’ve gone to work for Mr. Whitmore?” Before he could reply, she ran across
the room and threw herself against him. “I’m so proud of you, Willie. I’m so
happy. I know how much it means to you.”
But
Willie’s arms didn’t go around her.
Hattie
stepped back, the bonnet on her head slightly askew. She reached again for the
strings, but now her fingers hesitated. The cool, distant look on Willie’s face
left her shaken. “What is it? Is something wrong?” Her breath stopped as she
waited.
For a
few brief seconds, he remained silent. Finally, he shook his head.
“No,
of course not.
Nothing’s wrong.”
“And
it’s true about George Whitmore?”
“Yes,
as of last Monday, I’m officially a law apprentice. I wanted to come by the
hospital to tell you—”
She cut
him off. “We agreed not to meet in town. The more we’re seen together, the more
likely somebody is to figure us out.” And the more likely somebody—probably the
Kellermans—would try to put a stop to their budding relationship.
Hattie
would let nothing come between her and Willie. She owed him so much. Before
meeting him, she’d been caught up in following rules, always trying her best to
be a perfect young lady who did everything right, and now, he’d taught her how
to live by her own rules, to be who she wanted to be, not conform to the
standards of ideal womanhood held up to her by spinsters like Helen
Brundage
or hypocrites like Charlotte Kellerman.
Her
newfound freedom exhilarated her, left her breathless with anticipation for
each moment with Willie.
Yet why
was he looking at her that way?
“Are
you certain that nothing is wrong? Have I done something…?”
“No,
of course not.
Nothing is wrong.” He came to her, placed his hands on her cheeks, bent
forward, and kissed the tip of her nose. “I just needed a moment to gaze upon
your lovely face, that’s all. I’ve missed you. I wasn’t sure you were coming.”
Little
doubts crept into Hattie’s mind. Despite her desire to please Willie—and
herself—at times being bold still proved a bit of a challenge.
“I
shouldn’t be here. We both know what we’re doing is wrong.” True, indeed, but
she didn’t want to speak that truth aloud, thereby giving voice to her doubts.
She would listen instead to her heart. “I can’t seem to help myself, however,”
she whispered then drew away.
Hattie
finished untying the pretty silk bonnet, and carefully removed it. She patted
her hair into place.
“You
look lovely.” The adoring look in Willie’s eyes confirmed his words.
“I
probably shouldn’t stay long.” Only long enough to once again be in Willie’s
arms. Only long enough to once again feel his hungry mouth feasting on her
heated flesh. Only long enough to once more spread her body open and allow him
inside, letting him do all those wondrous, incredible, but ever-so-wicked
things that Miss
Brundage
had warned her girls about.
The old spinster had no idea what pleasures she was missing out on.
Hattie
sighed, let the bonnet slip from her fingers, and gave herself up to Willie’s
comforting embrace.
Soon,
his kisses erased the last of her doubts. Right and wrong disappeared in a
tangle of emotions that took her breath away and left her wholly at the mercy
of her heart’s desperate yearning for love.
* * *
*
Willie
stood transfixed, unable to look away from Hattie’s mesmerizing gaze. Warmth
and desire shone in her beautiful smoke-gray eyes. As his arms drew her close,
he breathed in the sweet scent of lavender that clung to her dark hair, tinged
with the odd odors of camphor and carbolic. When their lips met, he tasted
peppermint in her kisses.
“We’ve
got so little time,” she murmured, her slim fingers reaching for the buttons of
his shirt. One by one, she unfastened them,
then
slipped her hands against his skin. She bent down to press hot kisses to his
bare chest.
“Oh,
dear God, you make me feel so good.” Willie reeled from the intense pleasure
her touch brought. In the
old days
,
as he thought of them, the days before his father’s disgrace and his own
downfall, he’d gratified himself in the beds of many women. He’d had money
enough to indulge his hedonism with the most exclusive professionals in the
fancy houses of Denver. He’d been fucked by the best.
But no
woman had made him feel like Hattie did. How had it happened that this shy
young girl, so reluctant to let anyone get too close, somehow knew how to
unlock every secret longing in his heart, how to make his body weak with
desires, how to satisfy him so fully and completely that love-making left him
limp and all but lifeless?
It
happened because he loved her.
Willie
wasn’t sure when the realization had first come. From the beginning, falling in
love with Hattie had been a danger to avoid at all costs. She had come to him
as a pure angel, ministering to his every need—even the most carnal. For his
part, he’d been nothing short of a devil, a wounded creature
who’d
been cast out and scorned by others. Hattie’s touch had healed him and made him
whole.
But he
could offer her nothing of value…yet.
In
time, maybe he could be the man she deserved. But that time had not yet
arrived, and because he loved her, he had to put a stop to their reckless
affair.
“Hattie,
please,” he whispered, wishing he could set her aside, put her pretty silken
bonnet back on her head, and send her on her way. But already her touch had
stripped him of power. Already he had succumbed to her charms.
Returning
her kisses with fervor, Willie plunged his hands into her hair. He pulled her
close, threading his fingers through her loose, unbound tresses. Her arms came
up to encircle his neck. Wild with desires, he could no longer think of
anything but Hattie and her luscious, ripe body. All his good intentions flew
from his mind.
He
swept her up into his arms and carried her to the bed.
“You’re
so beautiful.” He kissed the words across her cheeks, along her neck, down
across the smoothness of her throat. His hands eagerly tugged at the simple
work dress she wore.
Soon,
she lay naked before him, the dress and her undergarments carelessly tossed to
the floor. His clothes were gone, too, joining hers in a crazed heap of
passion, yearning, and frantic need.
When
they’d first come together that night in his rented room, their love-making had
been tentative and uncertain. Now, thoroughly familiar with each other’s
bodies, they each knew how to touch, how to tease, how to fully share the
wonders of intimacy.
Their
bodies writhed in passion, covered in sweat, glistening with joy. She lifted
her hips to meet each powerful thrust, her muscles tightening around him as she
neared her pinnacle. With one final groan of pleasure, he drove deeper still,
his shaft pulsating as he, too, reached the peak with her.
He
buried his face against her neck, holding her close. He dreaded those awkward,
uncomfortable moments that would follow. Hattie would pull the sheet around
her, stumble about the room as she gathered her clothing. She would turn her
back to him as she washed up—he made sure each time to fill the pitcher with
water from the nearby creek—then she would quickly dress, utter a hasty
farewell, and hurry out the door.
Each
time she came to him, he wished anew that he could give her the love, the
respect, and the good life she deserved. Today, he wished it all the more. But
he couldn’t.
Neither
could he break off their scandalous affair.
Chapter Eleven
As soon
as she returned to Sunset, Hattie knew something dreadful had happened. The
somber looks on the faces of the townspeople were unmistakable signs of death,
as were the hushed whispers that reached her ears as she passed by groups of
men and women. On another occasion, she might have thought they were speaking
of her, gossiping about her wicked behaviors, but, of course, nobody knew what
she’d been up to, and besides, the gloomy atmosphere made it all too clear that
the town had lost someone dear.
Frantic
to find out who’d been taken from their midst, Hattie hurried her steps. She
arrived at the hospital moments later to find both Dr. Kellerman and his wife
standing on the porch, dressed in drab mourning colors.
Her
stomach roiled. She despised death. She hated the fact that even modern
medicines and skilled physicians were powerless to stop it. Most of all she
loathed how it slipped in so quietly and unexpectedly to steal away the lives
of good people.
Who had
the reaper taken now?
The realization
that someone had passed away while she’d been exulting in wanton passions, that
someone had perhaps taken their last breath even as she was moaning with
pleasure left her shaken. Hattie grasped hold of the handrail at the steps.
“Someone
died?” she squeaked.
“Who?
When?”
She knew it had not been a patient. No one had been admitted to stay at the
hospital. Her mind raced to remember recent house calls Dr. Kellerman had made.
Charlotte
came toward her, her face screwed up in an odd expression. “You certainly
should know all about it.”
“Me?
Why would I know? I’ve been gone all afternoon—”
“With
your friend, Emily, I believe?”
Hattie
started to nod,
then
checked herself. At once, she
knew her lie had been exposed. She knew, too, who had passed away.
“Her
father died.” Hattie lowered her head, both in respect for the late Mr.
Phillips and as a way of avoiding Charlotte’s censure. “I’m so sorry to hear
it.” Without looking up, she made her way onto the porch and opened the front
door. “Give me a moment to change. I’ll come with you to pay my respects.”
Abner
Kellerman nodded. “Just so you know, Hattie, he died earlier today at home. The
body is at the mortuary. The family is already gathering together. I believe
your friend is there now. You might want to offer a word or two of condolence.”
“Of
course.”
Her
cheeks flamed as she ducked inside the house and slipped upstairs to her room.
Had she actually been with Emily—as she claimed each time she left for an
assignation with Willie—she would most likely have been present when word came
of the man’s death. As a friend, she
should
have been there, Hattie told herself, although the thought was an irrational
one.
When the day began, only God knew that it would be the
last for Dirk Phillips.
All the
same, she wished she had been with Emily to offer comfort and to share whatever
strength she might. A nagging sense of guilt followed her for the remainder of
the day and long into the night.
Two
days later, when she attended the memorial for Mr. Phillips, her guilt had
eased only slightly. Although she and the Kellermans had gone to the mortuary
the day of his death, Hattie had not yet had any opportunity to speak to her
friend. Emily had stayed close to her mother and sister, close, too, of course,
to her husband, Benjamin. That was what
having
a family
was all
about. Families shared blood, a
heritage, a history. Families shared a single heart. They comforted one
another. They supported one another.
Hattie
had long ago given up wishing for a family of her own. No one had ever wanted
to adopt her, and wishing for something you
couldn’t have
never
changed anything.
Now,
with the services over, she moved from table to table, passing around plates of
fluffy biscuits along with jars of sweet jellies and freshly-made jams. She’d
always thought it strange to serve food after funerals. Instead of a solemn
occasion, it became a social event. Folks would sit down to eat, share a few
remembrances of the departed one, and then gradually move the conversations
along to more cheerful topics.
Maybe
the food and the whole ritual of serving and sharing a meal with others was a
part of the process of grieving. Hattie suspected it also served as a bit of a
distraction for the members of the deceased’s family.
Glancing
over her shoulder, she saw Emily Sue standing just outside the canvas shelter.
“Excuse
me,” she said, handing the serving tray she carried to a woman standing nearby.
“I want to offer my condolences.”
She
hurried to her friend’s side and reached for Emily’s hands. “I’m so sorry for
your loss. I wanted to tell you sooner, but you were with your family. I didn’t
want to step in where I didn’t belong.”
“Thank
you, Hattie. We’ve known for a long time that this day was coming.” She put on
a brave smile. “That doesn’t make it any easier, though.”
“No,
of course not.
Will you be all right?”
Emily
nodded. “I’ve got Ben, and Kat’s got Joshua.” She looked toward her left where
her husband, her sister, and her brother-in-law stood talking to the
undertaker. Kat’s children played nearby. “Those men are like solid rocks for
us. I worry about Mama, though.”
“Dr.
Kellerman was thinking she might want to help out at the hospital. He says
she’s very skilled.”
“She
is,” Emily agreed. “For a good many years, while Abner was drinking himself
into a stupor every day and night, Mama was the closest thing to a doctor this
little town had. She’s certainly delivered far more babies than the doctor has,
and she’s probably stitched up as many cuts and set as many broken bones.”
The
reminder of Abner Kellerman’s less-than-noble past left Hattie feeling a
strange discontent. Even though she knew it to be true, she found it almost
impossible to believe he’d once been a good-for-nothing wastrel. Maybe she just
didn’t want to believe it.
But why
should that bother her? If anything, it should encourage her. It served as
proof that a man could change, that even the lowliest human being could pull
himself up from despair to make a good new life. Dr. Kellerman had done it.
Willie Morse was doing it now.
“Hattie?
Are you feeling all right?” Emily’s voice, soft and concerned, cut through her
thoughts. “You look pale.”
“Yes,
I’m perfectly fine.” She did feel a mite peculiar, most likely from the heat of
the day and the large number of people crowding around her. “I’ve been working
long hours,” she added.
“Doing a lot of studying, too, of
course.”
Emily
crooked her arm around Hattie’s. “Come with me. Let’s take a stroll. I really
need to step away from all these people and have a moment to myself,” she added
in a shaky whisper.
“I
understand. It is a bit close.”
They
walked slowly through the cemetery, following a winding pathway through
gravestones and flowers. Hattie read a few of the names but they meant nothing
to her. For all she knew, some of the dead buried here could be her relations.
Sometimes it hurt, not having a family, not knowing who she was or who her
people had been.
Before
she could stop them, tears pricked her eyes.
Emily
noticed at once. “Hattie, you’re crying. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,
nothing at all.”
She sighed. “I used to never think about it,” she said as she took out a
handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes, “but lately I do wonder about my past,
about my mother and father. I wonder if they were in love or if my conception
was a terrible mistake, something they regretted later.”
“What’s
brought this on?” Emily cocked her head slightly. “It’s Willie, isn’t it?” The
question had an accusatory tone. “What’s he done? Has he tried to put you down
or make you feel inferior because—” She stopped when Hattie shook her head.
“No,
of course not.
But he has made me think about who I am, about who I want to be.”
Emily
leaned a bit closer. “Are you getting ideas about him?”
“Ideas?
What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Romantic
ideas,” Emily explained. “I see it in your eyes. You’re falling in love with
him. I’ve warned you about him before. Don’t do it,” she rushed on, grabbing Hattie’s
forearms and giving them a shake. “He doesn’t deserve you.”
Hattie
licked at her dry lips. “I know you don’t have a very high opinion of him, but
he’s not the man he used to be. He’s working. He’s earning a living for
himself.”
“And
he’s got you right under his fat, squishy thumb.” Emily let out a rush of
breath. “You’re so naïve,
Hattie,
you don’t understand
men like Willie. He’ll put on a good act for you. He’ll say all the things he
knows you want to hear, and he’ll make you believe every lie he tells.”
Hattie
pulled away, folded her arms across her chest, and threw a pointed look at
Emily. “You don’t know him anymore. I’m not so sure you ever really knew him.
I’ll admit he’s made a lot of mistakes, but who hasn’t?”
Emily
rolled her eyes.
“Never mind.
I’d better get back
now.” She took a step toward the tent, then stopped and glanced back at Hattie.
“Please, don’t be angry with me for speaking my mind, but I had to say
something. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I
appreciate your concern, but you needn’t worry about me. I can take care of
myself.” She choked back a rush of tumultuous emotions. “You’re right, you’d
better get back, and for that matter, so should I. I need to find Dr. Kellerman
and his wife now. They weren’t planning to stay long.”
* * *
*
The buggy bumped along over the rutted
road. Golden sunlight poured down from the heavens. Its soothing warmth could
not dispel the strange sadness that had come over Hattie. She pressed her
handkerchief against her eyes and wept inconsolably.
“What’s gotten into you, Hattie?”
Charlotte’s voice held an unusual sharpness. She eyed the girl closely.
“I feel so sad for Emily Sue, for her
whole family.” Although the words were true, Hattie knew even as she spoke them
that her sympathies for Dirk Phillips’ family did not account for her frantic
sobbing.
“You never met the man.
No need for you to take on so.”
Her husband cleared his throat. “And no
need for you to stir up trouble, Mrs. Kellerman. The world’s got enough of that
to go around.”
“I’m sorry,” Hattie wailed. “This is
all my
fault. It’s just like you’ve told me before,” she
said, daring a glance toward the woman at her side. “I’m too emotional. I feel
things too deeply. I have to learn to control myself.”
“Yes, it seems to have gotten worse in
recent weeks. I’ve heard you crying late at night. On several occasions,”
Charlotte added, her arched brows giving her a severe look.
Hattie pressed her lips together,
determined to hold back any more tears. Oh, how many nights had she cried,
missing Willie, longing to be with him, feeling so utterly alone in her little
room in the huge old
house.
She’d had no idea her
pitiful cries had been overheard.
“Are you all right, Hattie?” In
contrast to his wife’s cold words, Abner Kellerman’s voice held warmth and
genuine concern. “Do you want me to do a quick examination? Might be you’re
coming down with something. Hot weather can do that, you know.”
“Mostly I’m just feeling very tired,”
she said, sniffling in another attempt to quell her tears. “Sometimes I don’t
sleep well,” she admitted. “And maybe I’ve been burning the candle at both
ends, so to speak, trying too hard to do too many things.”
“Are you saying we’re expecting too
much of you?” Charlotte’s voice softened a bit, but the glint in her eyes
hardened. “If you’re finding it difficult to keep up with studies and attend to
your responsibilities, you might want to reconsider nursing as a profession.”
“Oh, no, that’s not at all what I
meant.” Suddenly worried that her time with the Kellermans might come to an
unexpected halt, she gripped the edge of the seat. Her stomach jittered as the
buggy hit another bump. “Excuse me, please.” Hattie twisted in her seat,
hanging her head over the side of the vehicle.
“Abner, stop the buggy. She’s going to
be sick.” Charlotte jerked her husband’s arm. As the buggy shuddered to a halt,
the woman pushed at Hattie. “Well, go on. Get down and do your business.”
She didn’t need to say a word. Hattie
had already pushed her way out. Her feet no sooner hit the ground than she
doubled over, the queasiness easing only slightly as she retched again and
again. Finally, she wiped at her mouth,
then
climbed
back into the buggy.