Not His Kiss to Take (33 page)

The wall couldn’t support him anymore. Felt like he had nothing left inside him. His legs failed, and Evan slumped to the floor in an ungainly heap of brokenness. Was his own damned fault for daring to believe, for letting hope take wing.

Jamie’s naked legs waited in front of him. For some reason he was just standing there—why didn’t he get dressed? Back off? Leave him so he could break down in private?
Just give me a second, lovely boy
. Evan just needed another few seconds before he could face up to another good-bye.

“
Evan, what the fuck are you talking about?”

With his throat constricting, Evan didn’t think he could answer. He wanted to argue. Jamie sounded surprisingly…indignant. What right did Jamie have to be offended?

Young and graceful as a gazelle, Jamie knelt in front of him in one fluid movement. “What are you talking about? Leave you? Why do you think I’m gonna leave you?”

“
Jamie…” Christ. Hurt to even think. Evan sank his head into his palm as it rested on his knee. A few tears gathered there.

Jamie touched his fingers briefly, and then jerked them back as if burned. “Do you…
want
me to leave? Again?”

Hell. “No. You know I don’t. I just told you that.”

“
Then why do you think I’m gonna go?”

“
It’s okay to change your mind, kiddo. If you can’t do it, you can’t. If you can’t be—what’d you call it? A little bit gay?—I understand. If you don’t like the idea of me touching you, or having sex with me—”

“
Stop right there.” Jamie yanked Evan’s fingers down and bared his face. Jamie’s expression ran wild with changing emotions. “I haven’t changed my mind one damned bit, Evan Harrison.”

“
But you said—”

“
Shut up for a sec. I don’t think our iPods are synced to the same playlist.”

“
I don’t understand you.”

“
I mean I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing. Not on the same page.”

“
O-kay?” The crushing weight on his chest eased a little. If Jamie hadn’t changed his mind, wasn’t leaving him, then what? “Why don’t you go first and tell me what you were talking about? Because I’m fucking lost. What can’t you do?”

Jamie breathed a hot, shuddery breath across his hands, his face. “I can’t…submit to you.”

What the hell? Jamie was prone to entertaining wild ideas, but where in the hell did he come up with that one? Made no sense whatsoever—even for Jamie. And of course he couldn’t submit. But there he was, hurting in front of him with that crushed look on his face, like he couldn’t bear to disappoint him by saying it. “I know that.”

“
You know? Since when?”

“
From the minute I met you.” Or thereabouts. “Well, actually, I knew it from the first ‘fuck you’. But close enough.”

“
But you wanted me to…
kneel
.”

Damn it. That was where he went wrong. “Oh, Jamie. My intentions went no further than wanting to abuse your throat with my very eager cock.”

Now Jamie looked totally perplexed. Obviously they needed to work on their communication skills. “But you said…you said you liked being in control. Having everything your way.” Jamie was already getting wound up. Evan braced for impact. “And you’re so pervy, the things you like, and then there’s that ex-boyfriend of yours—the enema-loving kinky one—and you have those books in your study—
How to Train Your Sub
and
My Master’s Collar
and blah, blah whatever—and well…what was I supposed to think?”

Jamie was, quite simply, fascinating. The way his mind whirled and spun notions from the slightest bit of nothing—amazing. And equally frustrating. “Come here, angel.” Evan spread his long legs and made room for Jamie’s slighter body to fit between. With his brows still furrowed and looking more than a little wary, Jamie crawled forward, turned around and sat in a tense and awkward ball. God, the boy was all legs and prickles. Evan wrapped both his arms and legs around him. “You have quite the busy head, thinking up this stuff all the time.”

“
I don’t think shit up.”

Squeezing Jamie, holding him close, Evan kissed the top of his head. Only seconds ago, he’d been so sure he lost this right, the right to touch, the right to kiss, that he needed to latch on with all his might. “I think I need to explain some things to you. Probably should’ve done this sooner, but since I can’t turn back the clock, now will have to do. First of all, yes, I am kinky. And since we’re talking about this, I have to say I object to your constant use of the word
pervert
and your thousand variations thereof to describe me, but yeah, I am, as you say,
pervy.
But the only place I want you to submit to me is in the bedroom. That’s it. Nowhere else.”

In disbelief, Jamie snorted. “No collars and leashes and whips and chains?”

“
No. Well, maybe chains—I don’t mind those. I prefer rope or leather or my silk dress ties. Or whatever else that’s handy—dishcloths, belts, shoelaces—I’m an equal opportunist. I’d only use the leash to tie you to my footboard, never to put around your neck. And definitely no whips or floggers or things made for inflicting pain. Other than the occasional spanking, I’m not into dishing out lots of pain, although I did like smacking your ass just now. A lot. Aside from that, I’m into bondage and control. And playing doctor, as you already know.”

“
How come you haven’t tied me up, then?”

“
It’s not that I don’t want to; believe me I do. It’s that you’re not ready. Maybe never will be.”

Another soft snort, and then Jamie huffed softly. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“
Yeah?”

“
Yeah.”

Oh-ho. Interesting. “When you can trust me, we’ll talk.”

“
I trust you.”

Maybe he did. A little. A start. “I’m in no rush, James. Every day with you is a blessing. I just want to enjoy my time with you and let things unfold as they will.”

Trapped inside the shelter of his body, Jamie sighed. “So…what about this ex? And those books in your office?”

“
You’re a nosy little shit, aren’t you?”

“
Don’t leave me alone with nothing to do. You know I get bored. Now fess up, Pervy-Pants.”

The tie-Jamie-up idea was starting to sound better and better, the little snoop. “Fine—since your curiosity never takes a break, I’ll tell you. The books were a gift to me from that ex-boyfriend, whose kinks far surpassed mine. As a hint, you understand. An offering. What he wanted, unfortunately, I didn’t have within me to give. I thought we meshed at first—I really liked him and the sex was great. With him, I could push my own boundaries. Explore. But in the end, it turned out I was wrong. We weren’t, as you say,
in sync
. His desires went too deep for me. He wanted to submit to me completely, wanted me to dominate him twenty-four/seven, master him in all things. He was after what’s called a total power exchange, and I’m just not interested in that lifestyle.”

“
Who the hell would want that?”

Jamie’s innocence was so refreshing. “You’d be surprised. Quite a few people do. He did. And since I couldn’t give him that, couldn’t be what he needed, I had to say good-bye. Neither of us would have been happy. I like being the boss in bed, but outside of bed? I want a partner, not a pet kneeling at my feet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It just wasn’t for me, not what I wanted.”

Perhaps this time he got it right and explained himself so he could be understood. Jamie exhaled deeply, relaxing now that the issue bothering him most had been resolved. But a little tenseness lingered, stiffening his spine. Then his shoulders slumped. “I don’t think I’d be a very good partner for you. You’re a doctor, for fuck’s sake, and smart, and rich and I’m…I’m just—”

Not willing to let even one dismissive word cross Jamie’s lips, Evan clasped his hand over his mouth. “You are everything I need. Everything I
want
. You don’t know this, and wouldn’t believe it anyway, but when you came through my door that night, you brought the whole wide world with you. Since then, I feel like I’m part of the world again. Like I’m necessary. Pretty hard for anyone to top that, no matter who they are or what credentials litter up the space behind their last name.” Inhaling deeply, Evan pressed his face to the soft tangle of Jamie’s hair. “You had me at that first ‘fuck you’.”

For a minute or two, Jamie stayed quiet and sat deathly still. Not a good sign. Then his shoulders started trembling. God, he wasn’t crying, was he? One of them had to hold it together, and tonight it sure as hell wouldn’t be him. But then he realized Jamie wasn’t crying; he was laughing—endless shaky little breathless laughs.

“
What’s so damned funny?”

“
Christ,” he snorted. “You’re even more sentimental than Auntie Ang.”

“
Is that supposed to be an insult? I know I haven’t met her, but I like her already.”

“
The only thing you need now”
—Jamie paused to sniffle and catch his breath
—
“is a crap-assed heart-shaped tattoo about some guy named Sidewinder and his really big Desert Eagle. And maybe a bottle of good tequila. If there is such a thing.”

There was a probably a story behind that bizarre comment, but Evan didn’t ask. Profound relief blossomed inside his chest and spread out from there. Jamie wasn’t leaving him. Didn’t mean he had to put up with this shit. None too gently, he gave Jamie a shove until he toppled over, still laughing. Evan stood up, brushed at the tear-wet wrinkles on his pant knees, and looked down at Jamie.

God, what a sight. Jamie was so beautiful. And stark naked.

Deprived of release earlier, his dick immediately took notice.

Jamie, sprawled on his back on the hall carpet with his legs immodestly spread, noticed his dick noticing. At least he finally quit laughing…aside from a few helpless chuckles. But his eyes went all huge and thoughtful. “So,” he said.

Evan’s ears pricked up. That tone—not good. A challenge about to be issued. “So…?”

“
This being-partners thing?”

Ah…shit. What was the brat busy thinking up this time? “Mm-hmm?”

“
That means I get an equal say in things, right? Even Stevens? Fifty-fifty?”

Oh fuck.
What a manipulative little shit. Kid had set him up rather neatly for that, hadn’t he? Knew Evan couldn’t even say no now, not if he was serious about making this thing between them work, which he was. Truly, madly, deeply, he was doomed. Checkmated. “That’s right.”

Beautiful, sweet, and supposedly innocent Jamie smiled. And it was totally wicked. “Good.”

Chapter
Nineteen

Not exactly what he had in mind last night when he’d goaded Evan into admitting he had an equal say in their relationship, but okay, this wasn’t so bad. At least he was gonna get what he wanted. Possibly. Maybe. When hell froze over.

Now he knew what those odd hooks attached to the shower wall were for. Stringing up mouthy subs. Or in his case, manipulative little shits. Huh. Who’d have guessed? Jeez—he’d only asked for one simple thing too. Then Evan had to go and enact some bogus twenty-four-hour clause in their relationship contract for Thinking Things Over.

Fucker.

Thinking Things Over had become Thought That Over and Ain’t Changing My Mind.

Last night they’d gone to bed together in another uneasy truce. They cuddled like crazy and necked a little, but Evan wouldn’t let Jamie get him off. Acting all noble and shit, Evan chose to suffer through his unrelieved arousal instead of caving in like a Chinese coal mine.

Epic stoicism aside, Evan hadn’t taken his hands off him all night, which had been awesome. Even in his sleep, Evan chased him all over the bed so they were always touching, like something had scared him badly and he was afraid to let go. What the hell?