Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way (19 page)

In the summer of 2004, after Michelle and I had been living together in San Francisco for two years, we got engaged. We were excited about getting married, although scared at the same time. Even though I was starting to make a little bit of money and my speaking and coaching business was gaining some momentum, we didn’t have any money saved. In fact, we were both in debt and didn’t have a financial plan at all. Even with our lean financial situation, given the economic climate at the time, we were pre-qualified for a $650,000 home loan and were told we could “buy” a house without having to put down any money, which is what we did in early 2005.

Although I didn’t feel ready to buy a house and didn’t think we were in a healthy financial position to do so (which, in hindsight, we weren’t), my decision to go ahead with it was based almost completely on fear. I was scared that if we didn’t buy a house at that time we’d get priced out of the market given how much home prices were going up. I was scared to disappoint Michelle because she really wanted a house as we were getting ready to get married and hoping to start a family. I was scared to admit my fear and to acknowledge that I didn’t think I was ready for the responsibility of owning a home—both financially and energetically. I was scared to admit that I wasn’t really sure how to make money, save money, combine my finances with Michelle’s, and become the primary breadwinner for our family. My deepest fear was that I would continue my legacy of financial struggle and always live hand to mouth, since that was all I’d ever known.

Over the next few years, I did the best I could to pay the mortgage and all of our bills, expand my business, and provide for our family. Life was intense and exciting—two babies, two books, lots of travel, and an enormous amount of activity. Although things were going well and I was making a lot more money, we kept spending more to keep up with our expanding life and my expanding business. I felt a great deal of pressure and things felt out of control, financially and otherwise. We didn’t have a plan and I still didn’t feel like I knew what I was doing, but there didn’t seem to be time to slow down to think about it, talk about it, or do anything about it. I figured if I just kept making more money, it would all work out.

Then 2009 happened. Not only did I lose a great deal of work to the economic meltdown (many of my corporate clients canceled their events and cut their training budgets), I also invested a lot of money into my business and the launch of my second book. The timing was terrible for us, and by the end of that year we found ourselves in a real mess. And while it didn’t happen overnight, we were humbled by how quickly it seemed like we had put ourselves in such a hole, baffled by how we got there, and totally confused about how to get ourselves out. It felt eerily similar to that moment when I was eight, on the floor with my mom and sister surrounded by pots and pans.

Somewhat miraculously, less than two years later, we were completely debt-free, out from under the weight of our house situation, and on track in a positive direction with our finances. How we were able to do this was based on a variety of things. And while there were a lot of practical things we did and there was a lot of hard work involved on our part, the two most important things we did were on a personal and internal level: we learned to get real and to have compassion for ourselves.

Getting real wasn’t fun or easy, especially at first, and it was quite humbling. We had to look at the reality of where we were, get specific about the numbers themselves, and investigate how we’d gotten there in the first place. Basically, we’d consistently spent more money than we’d made for many years. We also had not done a very good job planning or tracking our finances, which seemed increasingly complicated for us now that we had a family of four, a house, and lots of new expenses, as well as a business that generated significantly inconsistent amounts of income and required large chunks of money to be spent at certain times.

We started talking about our situation, in detail, to each other and to a few important people close to us. We told them about our debt, our house, and our specific challenges. We did this with people we felt we could trust and who might be able to help. It felt scary, embarrassing, and vulnerable, but at the same time, also liberating and empowering. Getting real like this forced us to “sober up,” start taking a deeper level of responsibility, and begin the process of turning things around financially.

We also did our best to have compassion for ourselves and to look for the gifts in the situation. More difficult even than the specifics of what we were facing financially was the emotional impact. Both of us were dealing with an enormous amount of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and more. Michelle felt guilty that she had been so adamant about us buying our house when we did, which in hindsight we realized was one of the key factors that caused the mess we were in. She also felt a certain degree of helplessness due to the fact that she was at home taking care of the girls and couldn’t directly impact our income. I, on the other hand, felt like a loser and blamed myself for our being in this bad of a spot. I clearly wasn’t making enough money and since that was one of my primary responsibilities in our family, I felt embarrassed and like I was letting down Michelle and the girls big-time.

We both realized that the harsh judgments we had about ourselves, which we would sometimes project onto each other, were not only harmful but also were making a difficult situation even worse. We each dug deep in search of self-compassion, did our best to forgive ourselves and each other, and made a commitment to continually look for the “gifts” from what we were going through. We both did a lot of inner forgiveness work, in addition to outward practical work (with coaches, mentors, and others), that helped lead not only to our financial turnaround, but to our personal healing as well.

Money is one of the most emotionally charged issues we contend with, especially these days. Many of us have some real baggage about money that we bring with us into our relationships, our work, and most aspects of our lives. And, because of our feelings of shame, guilt, confusion, judgment, fear, arrogance, and embarrassment about money, we often don’t talk about it in a real way. Our lack of comfort with authentic discussions about money is one of the biggest reasons it continues to be such a source of stress and confusion for so many of us. We also tend to be very secretive about money. As the saying goes, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.”

CHAPTER 35

Stop Should-ing on Yourself

In a session a while back, my counselor Eleanor said to me, “Mike, it sounds like you’re should-ing all over yourself.” I laughed when she said this, as I’ve heard this expression many times before—I’ve even given this same feedback to others. However, something about her saying this to me at that particular moment caught my attention.

As I started to take inventory of the most important aspects of my life, I was a bit shocked to realize that much of my motivation in these areas comes from the perspective of what I think I
should
do, say, or feel, and not from a place of what’s authentic and true for me.

Most specifically, I find myself challenged by various competing “shoulds” in my head in regard to my business and my family. Both require quite a bit of energy, which is true for most of us. Because I run my own business, I have to make a lot of choices about where to focus my time and energy—writing, traveling to speak, staying home with my family, and so on. The choices I make have a big impact on my family not only because I’m the primary breadwinner but also because they determine how much I’ll be around to help with day-to-day life. I try to be as mindful as I can about these choices, although it isn’t always easy. If I’m not conscious about it, that voice in my head can easily pop up and say “You
should
be spending more time with your family” when I’m on the road speaking or up early (or late) working on a project. At other times, that voice can start talking when I’m on vacation with my family, at an event at the girls’ school, or even playing a game with one of them: “What are you doing? You
should
be working right now, so you can send these girls to college and make more money for your family.”

Our obsession with doing, saying, or feeling the way we think we
should
is actually less about genuine desire or commitment, and more about a lack of self-trust. When we operate from that place of
should
, it’s often because we’re feeling scared, flawed, or simply not confident in our own thoughts and beliefs. This insecurity leads us to look outside of ourselves for guidance, and this often causes us even more stress.

What if instead of asking ourselves “What should I do?” we asked different, more empowering questions like, “What’s true for me?” or “What am I committed to?” or “What do I really want?” These questions, and others like them, come from a much deeper place of authenticity.

This is not to say that everything we think we
should
do is inherently bad. That is clearly not the case. Some things we think we
should
do—like eat better, communicate with kindness, exercise, try new things, organize our lives, take care of ourselves, and so much more—can be important aspects of our success and well-being (as well as that of those around us).

However, when we come from a place of
should,
our motivation and underlying intention for doing something is compromised—even if it’s something we consider to be positive or healthy. In other words, we often feel stressed, bitter, resentful, or annoyed when we’re motivated by
should
. This “should” mentality is based on an erroneous notion that there is some big book of rules we must follow in order to be happy and successful. There are times, unfortunately, when I’m doing something “fun” like riding bikes with my girls, watching a movie with Michelle, or going to a ball game with some buddies, but my obsession with what else I “should” be doing takes me away from fully enjoying and appreciating the experience in the moment.

The distinction here is one of obligation versus choice; “have to” versus “want to.” When we stop should-ing on ourselves, we’re less motivated by fear and can choose to be inspired by authentic desire.

Sometimes we may also find ourselves looking to others to tell us what we “should” do. While there’s nothing wrong with our seeking guidance, our deepest truths come from within. When we let go of our insatiable desire to figure out what we “should” do, we give ourselves permission to listen to our inner wisdom, trust ourselves, and make whatever changes we deem to be important. And, if there are actions we want to take that we believe will enhance our experience of life, we can take them from a place of self-trust. There are so many new and exciting possibilities we can create once we let go of “should.”

CHAPTER 36

Take Good Care of You

I was at an event in San Francisco a few years ago and had the privilege of spending some time with Louise Hay, founder of Hay House and best-selling author of
You Can Heal Your Life
. Louise is someone I’ve admired for a long time—she’s a true pioneer in the world of personal development. It was an honor for me to connect with her at this event.

On the final day of the conference, I asked Louise if she was planning to fly home (back to San Diego, just an hour’s flight from San Francisco) that evening. She said, “Oh no, Mike, I would never do that to myself.” Her response, while simple, floored me. I thought,
Wow, what a great example of honoring and caring for yourself
. Then I thought,
I could use more of that.

At that time, I was feeling run down, exhausted, and overwhelmed by my life. Our girls were four and one, I was traveling quite a bit, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up with everything. My schedule was packed with so many activities, I felt like it was hard for me to breathe, much less enjoy what I was doing. I also felt like a victim of my “crazy” schedule and life, which gave me a built-in excuse for not showing up for others or taking full responsibility for my actions (i.e., “What do you want from me? Do you have any idea how much I have going on right now?”).

Around this same time, I was reading a wonderful book called
The Art of Extreme Self-Care
, by Cheryl Richardson. In this book, Cheryl challenges us to make our self-care a top priority. I loved the book, and while the concepts were fairly simple, familiar, and straightforward, I felt a great deal of resistance as I started to practice some of what Cheryl was saying.

Unfortunately, a lot of us think of self-care as selfish or as something we should do when we get everything else done. I would find myself thinking,
Once I take care of all the important people and things in my life, then I’ll take care of myself.
In addition to this, I also think we can sometimes be motivated to take care of ourselves out of fear or guilt:
I should eat better. I should exercise more. I’m not taking good care of myself and if I keep this up I’m going to gain weight, get sick, or something really bad is going to happen to me.
These types of negative, critical thoughts often roll around in our brains, and often are the impetus or motivation for us to “take care of ourselves.”

Authentic self-care is not selfish and it’s not a guarantee that we won’t gain weight or get sick—although taking care of ourselves would probably make those things less likely. True self-care is about honoring ourselves, caring for ourselves, nurturing ourselves, and loving ourselves—both for our own benefit and for the benefit of everyone around us.

I saw Dr. Andrew Weil on
Larry King Live
a number of years ago. Dr. Weil, who had been a leader in the field of alternative medicine for decades, was talking to Larry about the importance of self-care. He mentioned that there is a great model for this in the human body—the heart. Dr. Weil said, “Each time the heart beats, it first pumps blood to itself, then to the rest of the body. It has to work this way in order for us to stay alive.” He continued, “The same is true for us as human beings. We have to take care of ourselves first, so we can take care of others.”