Nova and Quinton: No Regrets (19 page)

The right thing? Is that what I just did? Sometimes it feels like it is, but there are other times when it feels like what I’m doing is so wrong and disrespectful to Lexi. But through the right and wrong, there’s always one thing that gives me hope and that’s Nova. She’s what keeps me going.

December 23, day fifty-five in the real world

Quinton freaked me out yesterday, but I think I did well hiding it and calming him down. At least I hope so. But part of me can’t help but wonder if he’ll end up doing drugs again. I can’t stop obsessing over it and all I want to do is go to Seattle and see him—make sure everything is going okay.

On top of everything else, Tristan’s freaking me out too. He keeps giving me these come-hither looks from across the room, and while I was taking a shower this afternoon, he walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. This is not good at all. I can see it leading to a very bad place where everything is going to crumble. I need to find a way to talk about it with him, tell him how I feel, but I’m worried about how he’s going to react.

“Oh, Nova Dova,” Lea singsongs as she comes skipping into my room with a grin on her face. “Are you ready to rock and roll?”

She’s dressed up in a torn shirt, cutoffs, fishnet tights, and boots. Her hair’s been teased and her eyes lined with liquid liner. My outfit’s a little mellower: black plaid skirt, a tank top with a vest over it, and minimal eye shadow, but I did stain my lips red.

“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” I say with zero enthusiasm as I get up from my bed. Not only am I unenthused to play tonight, I’m also not thrilled to be meeting Lea’s boyfriend, either. I’ve been a downer lately and I can tell Lea is picking up on this, although she thinks it has something to do with the band.

She puts her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes at me. “Hey, cheer up. Everything’s going to be fine. You’re going to rock tonight.”

“Rocking is the least of my problems,” I tell her, grabbing my leather jacket from my bedpost. “I’m worried the wrong person’s going to see me and then I’m going to get kicked out of my band.”

“How would anyone see you?” she asks, lowering her hands to her sides. “Aren’t Sterling and Jaxon in New York right now?”

“Yeah, but Nikko’s not.” I put my jacket on and flip my hair out of the collar. “Plus, we have to go pick up my drums from Jaxon’s house, which is going to come off a little bit suspicious.”

“No it won’t,” she says, backing toward the doorway of my room and spinning around on her heels. “Just tell them you’re bringing your drums home to practice over the weekend. You’ve done that before.”

I follow her into the living room. There’s a candle burning, a soothing lavender scent, but it does nothing to settle the restlessness inside me. “Yeah, before the Millersons from the apartment below complained about the noise.”

“So what?” she says, leaning over and blowing out the candle. “Jaxon, Spalding, and Nikko don’t need to know that.”

“We’ll see.” I button up my coat and head for the front door, ready to get the night over with. It’s probably the first time I haven’t been excited to play and I’m not sure if it’s because I feel like I’m cheating on my band or because my head’s in another place. “I just hope this all doesn’t blow up in my face.”

She picks up the car keys and tosses them to me. “It won’t. I promise.”

Sighing, I open the front door to head outside. But Tristan walks out of his bedroom and I pause as he picks up his jacket like he’s about to go somewhere.

He’s dressed in a plaid shirt and nice jeans, and his hair’s a little damp like he’s just gotten out of the shower. “So what time do you guys go on?” he asks, he walks past the kitchen and heads toward us.

“In a couple of hours.” My brows knit as he puts his jacket on. “Are you coming with us?”

“Yeah,” Lea answers for him as she slips a pair of fingerless gloves on. “He said he wanted to come and I said he could because I thought we could use a man’s help getting the drums out of the garage and into the trunk of your car.” She gives me an apologetic look and mouths,
I’m sorry.

“We’re not helpless women,” I say, trying to make it sound like I’m joking, but I’m not. I don’t like that Tristan’s going. Not after what happened in the grocery store yesterday. In fact, I was hoping to get a little space tonight and clear my head, and I want to be mad at Lea for asking him to help us, but I can’t, because I understand where she’s coming from. Lea’s a lot like me when it comes to being rude to people and I’m sure the last thing she wanted to do was tell Tristan no when he said he wanted to tag along.

“I know you’re not helpless,” Tristan says, stopping in front of me as he slips his jacket on. “But I figured I could come watch you rock out for the night instead of hanging out here by myself.”

I liked it better when Tristan and Lea didn’t like each other. In the beginning Tristan would never have gone anywhere Lea was, because they clashed so badly. But now they’ve warmed up to each other.

“Unless for some reason you don’t want me to.” There’s a challenge in his blue eyes like he’s daring me to say it—that I’m afraid of being near him because we almost kissed.

I shake my head, pretending to be indifferent. “No, you can go.” I fake a smile, feeling like a jerk because of my feeling toward him. Or lack of feeling, anyway. Part of me wishes I could reciprocate but I can’t make myself feel that way, especially when my head’s stuck on someone else with honey-brown eyes and a sensitive heart, who had me so turned on yesterday when he was in the shower.

Tristan grins at me, zipping up his jacket. “Good, because I really want to see you play.”

I keep smiling as I exit the apartment and the two of them follow me. They start chatting about what songs we’re going to play and Lea starts listing them. They’re all covers, something she told me the other day when I tried to use the excuse that I wouldn’t know the songs they were playing, to get out of going. Turns out I knew all of them, so that didn’t work.

It’s okay, though. Things could be a hell of a lot worse, something I tell myself in order to keep moving as I walk out of the apartment.

It’s dark and breezy outside and I immediately wrap my arms around myself, shivering as the breeze hits me. “Jesus, wearing a skirt wasn’t a good idea,” I remark as I rush for my car.

I feel someone move up to my side, but I don’t turn my head because I know it’s Tristan as soon as I hear the lighter flick. “I think you look good,” he says with a wink.

“Thanks,” I say, rubbing my hands up and down my arms. “But I’m not sure it’s worth freezing to death.”

“I’ll keep you warm,” he jokes, smoke encircling his face.

I don’t know how to respond, so I just offer him a smile and head for the driver’s side of my car. After we get inside, Lea in front, thankfully, I back out of the parking spot and head for Jaxon’s garage. His parents said they’d be home when I called earlier and told them I needed to pick the drums up, but part of me is hoping that they won’t be. But the lights are on inside the house when we pull up and I can’t help but sigh, heavyheartedly.

“Don’t look so down,” Tristan leans forward and says in my ear as Lea gets out of the car. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

“I hope so,” I mutter, reaching for the phone inside my pocket as it starts to ring. I think it’s going to be Quinton, wishing me luck or something, but it’s my mom.

I answer as Tristan moves the seat forward and gets out of the car. “Hey, can I call you back?” I ask her, my fingers folding around the door handle. “I’m getting ready to play in about an hour.”

“Oh, was that tonight?” She sounds distracted and a little out of it, not like her usual self. “I’m sorry. I’ll call you back later.”

“What’s wrong?” I think I know, though, without hearing the answer.

“It’s nothing. I just… call me when you’re done.”

“Mom, I can’t wait now,” I say, growing more worried by the second. “Not when you sound like something tragic just happened… does… does it have to do with Delilah?” I hold my breath, remembering when I was twelve and I had to meet her in the waiting room at the hospital right after my dad died.

She was crying when she walked through the door, frantically looking around like she was expecting my dad to walk out from one of the rooms. Then she spotted me sitting in the chair by myself and she panicked.

“Oh my God.” She rushed to me, clutching her purse. “Are you okay?” She threw her arms around me and I can remember thinking how strange that was, since after all she’d just lost her husband.

“I’m fine,” I said in an eerily calm voice. “But Mom… Dad’s gone.”

She only pulled me closer, hugging me so tightly I had to stand up out of the chair. “I know, honey. And I’m so sorry.”

I wrapped my arms around her, even more confused over her worry for me. “I’m okay, Mom, but are you?”

That set her off and she started to sob onto my shoulder. I held on to her as she nearly collapsed to the floor, telling myself that I had to be the strong one. And I was, helping out with the funeral arrangements, calling up my grandparents and telling them what had happened. I was always better at that stuff, dealing with other people’s issues instead of my own.

“Nova, I’m going to tell you something, and yes, it’s about Delilah,” my mom says, bringing me back to reality. “But I need to know you’re not alone… is Lea around?”

I glance out the window at Lea, who’s saying something to Tristan in front of the car as she bounces up and down from the cold. “Yeah.”

“Good.” She lets out a breath of relief. “Because I need to know that you’ll have someone there for you.”

“I do.” My heart tightens, death in the air. “Delilah’s mom found her, didn’t she?” I say, gripping the steering wheel, trying not to hyperventilate. “And she’s dead.”

“She’s headed down to Vegas to… God, I don’t even know how to say this.” She pauses, looking for the right words, but what she doesn’t get is that they don’t exist. I’m familiar with the routine by now and nothing she says is going to change the outcome of the situation. “She’s going down to identify a body… see if it’s Delilah’s.”

I press my lips together, feeling the numbness flow through me as I fight to shut myself down. I’ve been through this before. I know what to do. Just like I know that in a few minutes I’m going to start assessing every single thing I did wrong, like the time I walked away from that apartment and left Delilah there sobbing, strung out, and with an asshole of a boyfriend. God, this never ends. Death. Regret. Remorse. Guilt. It’s a stupid cycle and I want it to stop.

“Do they know how she died?” I ask in an uneven voice.

“Well, they don’t even know if it’s her yet,” my mom says, keeping her voice gentle in an attempt to soothe me, but there’s an underlying ache to it, one that leads me to believe that she’s pretty sure it’s Delilah. “Nova, are you going to be okay? You’ve got that tone—the one you get before you shut down.”

“I’m fine.” I sit up and extend my hand for the door handle. “Thanks for letting me know, but I have to go get ready to play tonight.”

“Nova, I—”

I hang up on her, not wanting to talk about it anymore. I’m done talking about death. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. Yet it keeps pushing its way into my life. And not just my life. Everyone’s, really. It haunts everyone and everything and I wish I had the power to make it go away so that no one would have to feel the ache, the cracking apart, the inability to process it because it doesn’t make any goddamned sense.

After taking so many breaths I become light-headed, I put my phone away and get out of the car. Lea immediately gives me a worried look, which makes me wonder what I look like at the moment. But before she can say anything, I head for the front door, calling over my shoulder to Lea and Tristan, “Are you guys coming?”

They quietly follow me, Lea boring a hole in my head, while Tristan seems a little oblivious. But it’s not his fault. He doesn’t know me like Lea, and I know that as soon as the night’s over, she’s going to corner me and start yammering questions. I wouldn’t even be surprised if my mom calls her and tells her what’s up, which makes me want to bail out somehow.

In fact, it’s all I can think about as Jaxon’s parents let us inside. There’s this awkward sort of exchange between Lea and Jaxon’s mom as she walks us to the garage, and Lea ends up talking to her while Tristan and I load up the trunk of the car and the backseat with my drums, my thoughts refusing to be quiet. I keep picturing scenarios of what happened and they mix with all the good memories I had of Delilah. Like the first time we actually hung out. I was sad and she made me laugh by making a joke about our English teacher having a mustache. It was the first time I’d laughed since Landon died. Then we went to college together, and while we weren’t always on the same page, things were still good. She still made me laugh. Forced me to go out into civilization once in a while. Forced me to try to live when all I wanted to do was let myself die inside.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Tristan comments as he puts my drumsticks into the backseat.

“I’m fine.” I shut the trunk and climb into the car as Lea walks out the front door, carrying a plate of cookies.

Tristan gets into the backseat and buckles his seat belt, watching me in the rearview mirror. “Are you sure? You look like you’re going to be sick.”

“I’m fine,” I repeat, and then remain silent as Lea gets into the car. I should probably tell him about Delilah, but I can’t bring myself to talk about it at the moment. I also worry about how he’s going to react when I do. I’m not sure how close they were, but they did live together and that has to mean he cared about her in one way or another.

“What’s with the cookies?” I ask as Lea balances the plate on her lap.

“Jaxon’s mom gave them to me… she also said how much her family misses me.” She sighs and then starts rambling about how uncomfortable that was as I drive to Red & Black Ink. I’m relieved by the distraction of her chatting, nodding and agreeing in all the right places. But as soon as we pull up to the back parking lot, I feel nauseous. Why didn’t I do something to help Delilah? Why is death always happening? Why? Why? Why?

I need to calm down somehow, because I don’t even know if the body is Delilah’s yet. But I can’t and things only get worse the longer the night goes on.
I’m stronger than this. Tough. I’ve been through this before
. Nothing works. Breathing. Counting. God, I’m counting everything, my mind racing a million miles a minute. But I can still feel myself about ready to fall apart the moment we step into the club and the madness surrounds me. My mind seeks structure but there’s nothing around me and I can feel myself falling.