Authors: Lindsay McKenna
His gruffly spoken words only made more tears come. His fingers sent tingles across her cheeks and she drowned in his pleading expression. She saw so much in his eyes, now alive with agony, with need for her, with frustration.
His palms were warm and dry against her face and she tried to stop from crying, but she’d always been easily touched by the plight of others. She had never cried for herself, but she had cried for people or animals in pain.
Now, Cav was in pain. She saw it in his eyes and felt her heart break over the horror of eighteen years at the hands of a crazed drug addict and then, to lose his mother like that.
Lia did something that her heart whispered she must do. She leaned forward, her hands tentative on Cav’s shoulders, lifting her chin, seeking…finding…the tortured line of his mouth.
Her world exploded around her. She had closed her eyes, leaning into Cav, wanting to absorb his pain, try to make him feel better. The overwhelming desire to kiss him drove her to boldly step out of her own fear and hesitancy. For a split second, Cav froze. And then, his hands tightened around her face, guiding her, drawing her against his mouth, angling her, nudging her lips open. Lost in a haze of light, joy, and need, she eagerly accepted his hunger. He moved his mouth powerfully against hers, a sense of starvation, of need for her. An avalanche of heat and fire roared to life within her lower, dormant body.
She felt him tremble as he hauled her against his chest, felt him control himself for her sake, his mouth gentling against hers.
A moan caught in her throat as he opened his fingers, sliding them through her hair, cherishing her, caught up in the heat and molten moment that glowed wildly between them. Her heart beat in triple-time as he moved her around for deeper access to her, bringing her closer in his arms, cradling her, his mouth locked with hers, not allowing her to escape.
But Lia didn’t want to go anywhere. She was relaxing into his embrace, feeling his hand trailing down her jaw, slipping around her neck, following the curved line of her spine. His mouth was cajoling. Breathing shallowly, she eagerly returned his kiss, a deep ache grew between her legs, and wetness coated the insides of her thighs.
Shyly, she moved her hand up from his shoulder to his thick neck, feeling the pulse of his jugular against her fingertips. His breathing was short and hard as he suddenly realized he might be hurting her. He softened his mouth against hers, silently demanding she fully reciprocate by exploring him.
That was all Lia needed. Her fingers curved against his jaw and she deepened their kiss, her body molding urgently to his. The moment her breasts touched Cav’s chest, a whimper lodged within her throat. Now, Lia knew just how sexually starved she really was.
Cav held her as if she were fragile glass that could break. His gentleness brought more tears into her now closed eyes. He was so excruciatingly tender after controlling his initial reaction to kissing her. His fingers moved lightly across her scalp, tiny sparks of heat rippled across her. Never had she been so wonderfully held, kissed and touched.
Their mouths gradually left one another. Lia was breathing erratically, gripping Cav’s arms, she slowly opened her eyes, drowning in his dark, hungry gaze. The gold in his eyes was primary, the green and sienna combining to tell her how very much more he wanted to do than just kiss her.
His mouth moved and he shook his head, easing her out of the curve of his arm. “I wasn’t expecting that,” he said, his voice low and unsteady as he searched her eyes. “Lia? Are you okay?”
She felt suddenly unsteady as she sat up and regained her original posture, fingertips on her lips that radiated with the power of his mouth upon hers. “I-I was so tired of being scared, Cav.”
“What do you mean? Did I scare you?”
She saw the disbelief in his expression. Allowing her hands to open, she whispered, “I’ve wanted to kiss you since I first met you.” She felt heat rush to her face but pressed on. “I wanted to kiss you and I was so tired of always running scared, always worried about a man being disgusted with me…not wanting to kiss me back.” Lia saw his eyes flare first, with relief, and then concern.
“How could I be disgusted with you?” he demanded, his voice a rasp.
Lia fought back more tears. Valiantly, she resisted. “My scars…” and she touched her cheek. “I’m ugly.”
Cav shook his head, his mouth twisting. “Baby, you are so far away from ugly the word doesn’t even exist in my world when I look at you. Okay?” and he reached out, capturing her fingers against her facial scar, tucking her hand between his as he leaned forward.
“Listen to me, will you? The first time I saw your picture, I saw
you.
And you were beautiful to me. I didn’t see your scars, Lia. Do you believe me?” Urgency thrummed through him. Never had Cav wanted her to believe him more than right now.
“Y-you never looked at my scars. You seemed to always see ME, not them,” she offered, her voice choked with emotion. The line of his mouth softened.
“I always see you, Lia, not your scars.” He frowned and released her hand, cupping her left cheek, stroking the area of the scar. “This does not define you, baby. It never has and it never will. It’s a medal of valor for what you survived—“Cav instantly halted, realizing by her reaction he’d said too much. Allowing his hand to drop away, he saw her fine, thin brows move down, confusion in her eyes as she stared at him.
“H-how did you know what I survived?”
Oh, hell! Cav had allowed his emotions, his need to help her, blow his cover. Looking away, he turned, calmly picking up her hands and holding them, speaking in a quiet voice. “I found out the night I came to guard you at your home.”
“Really? How?” Her voice was shaking now.
“I got up around 0200 and did a walk around the outside of the house. I was getting acquainted with the night sounds and what went on around the house.” His hands tightened a little around hers. “I came back into the house and hour later and heard a noise in the kitchen, like water running. I didn’t know what it was, so I walked quietly to the entrance. You were standing at the sink, scrubbing your hands for all they were worth.”
He saw her face crumple. “Oh, God…I was sleepwalking…”
“Yeah,” he muttered, “I figured it out as I stood there.” Releasing her hands, Cav straightened, moving his shoulders as if to remove a load he was carrying. “The reason I realized it, Lia, was because as a kid I used to sleepwalk. My Mom would hear me and get up. She’d find me in some part of the house packing a small suitcase. She’d ask me where I was going. I’d tell her I was running away because I hated my father. Then, at breakfast the next morning, my Mom would tell me she found me sleepwalking. I never remembered any of the episodes, but I was doing it two or three times a week.”
Cav drew in a ragged breath, holding her gaze. “That’s how I figured out you were sleepwalking. Your eyes were glazed, and you could clearly see me standing in the doorway of the kitchen, but you didn’t see me.”
“What happened next?” she asked hollowly.
“I asked you what you were doing. You said you were trying to wash your cuts and blood off between and around your fingers and hands.” Cav winced inwardly, seeing terror come to Lia’s face. “I asked you what happened,” he began, his voice gruff. “You said two men had jumped you and you fought and ran away from them.”
Lia gave a little cry, her hands flying to her mouth, staring at Cav. It felt as if her world had fallen out from beneath her. Cav sat there, stoic, his gaze gentle as he held hers, his hands clasped between his thighs.
He shook his head and reached out, easing her hands from her mouth, holding one of them between his. “These are defensive wounds,” he told her, tracing some of the worst with his index finger across her fingers and into her palm. “I knew whatever had happened to you, baby, it had to be a life-and-death fight.”
He folded her hand between his, holding it, holding her wavering gaze. “That’s all I know, Lia. I didn’t want to burden you any more than you already are.” He snorted softly and hitched one shoulder, giving her a wry look. “But you have that effect on me. When I get around you, my emotions start unraveling just naturally and it takes everything I have to control myself and think about what I will tell you and what I won’t speak about. And I guess I blew it just now.”
Lia sat there staring at Cav. He looked deeply sorry, his mouth pulled down, the corners drawn in, his brows dipping. Slowly, he released her hand and she gripped them in her lap. “Did Dilara tell you about what happened?”
“No. I knew nothing until the night you sleepwalked. I more or less put it together. I don’t know the details.” He took a deep breath. “And you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’ll understand.”
Her fingers tingled where he’d traced her puckered scars in the webbing between her fingers. All she could do was sit there and allow the emotions to roll through her like waves from a tsunami. Slowly, Lia rubbed her face, feeling cold inside, dreading what she was about to say to Cav.
She whispered painfully, “You’ve been so nice to me. You treated me like I was whole, Cav. Do you know how nice that felt? Five years of being stared at like I was a freak or a side show,” and she touched her neck scar. “I was so tired of it all. I tried to hide my scars. I just wanted peace. I didn’t want constant reminders of my attackers by people staring at the scars instead of meeting my eyes…”
Five years’ worth of exhaustion flowed through her, erasing the beauty of the kiss Cav had shared with her.
“You deserve to hear it from me.” She lifted her lashes, meeting his weary gaze. Just talking about this was exhausting her and Cav. There was such anguish in his eyes for her. Not disgust. But caring.
Lia struggled with her fear and pain. Cav deserved to know the truth and it hurt so much to speak about the assault, that it made her mouth dry. Pulling out her plastic bottle, she drank water, capped it and launched into the attack, leaving nothing out.
Cav felt the weight of the terror that Lia felt as the two men took their military knives to her. He boiled with rage as he listened, his white-knuckled hands clasped tightly between his legs. What Lia had done, her bravery in fighting the two men off, was nothing short of mind-blowing. She wasn’t a very strongly built woman, and she wasn’t that tall. Thank God her father had taught her Krav Maga! Knowing that street-fighting tactic had helped save her life.
The sun had shifted by the time she finished, her voice little more than a hoarse whisper, her hands fluttering nervously from time to time. Lia tried to still her raw emotions, waiting for Cav’s eyes to mirror disgust.
“So, that’s the whole story. I know I’m not whole. I lost so much during that fight. Before it happened, I was such a risk taker and I was fearless.” She looked over at him, finally, and saw nothing but sympathy in his eyes.
“I’m a shadow of my former self, Cav. I hide. I don’t want people staring at me. The children…well, they’re curious about the scars, they ask me about them and I tell them a fib. I tell them I fell and cut myself. They believe me, and they love me anyway. They think nothing more about it. And,” her lower lip trembled, “they treat me as if I’m normal.”
Cav had thought he knew what pain was. But he didn’t. Not until he’d heard how Lia had nearly died and bled out. He saw tears in her eyes. “Have you cried since you were attacked?”
“I
refuse
to cry any more tears, Cav. It’s not helping me. I have to get stronger. I can’t keep hiding like this…”
He roused, reached out, his large hand covering her clasped hands in her lap. “Then let me hold you when you’re ready.”
L
ia said nothing,
holding herself so tightly she seemed to be shielding herself.
“There are so many people who treat you as whole,” Cav went on quietly, watching her as she listened. “Dilara and Robert. Myself. Your kids. Those three new teachers thought nothing of your scars, either.”
“You’re right,” she agreed, moving her fingers nervously. “When people get to know me, they don’t see the scars as much.”
Struggling to understand, he said, “Then who…or what…made you feel like hiding, Lia?”
Weakly, she shrugged. “The first three years after being cut up, I was an emotional basket case. If it hadn’t been for Dilara and my parents helping to put me back together again, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. I felt carved up, Cav.”
Looking away, she whispered, “I had a boyfriend at the time the attack happened. Jerry came and saw me after the attack and he couldn’t look me in the eyes. He saw all the wounds and he shook his head and left me. He never returned. I saw the disgust, the revulsion, in his eye for me. He looked at me as if I were a monster. And then, two years ago, I got into a relationship with Manuel. I was desperate for a mature, ongoing relationship…I went too fast. I know it was partly my fault because I’m such an idealist. I was just so lonely,” and she met his hooded gaze, feeling old pain renewed. “He showed interest in me and I thought…well, because he made little of the scars he saw, it would be okay as we got more…”
She pushed her fingers through her hair, her voice shaky. “Anyway, how stupid and short-sighted I was. When he saw the others,” and she gestured to her arms and legs, “I guess he began to see me as one big, ugly scar walking around. There was such horror in his face, his eyes. Manuel didn’t want to touch me. He…couldn’t…”
Cav cursed softly. “Then he was the second man to show interest in you?”
“Yes.” Lia fought against the burn of tears in the back of her eyes, giving him a sad, broken smile. “I thought wrongly that he liked me, my personality, that the scars didn’t bother him.” Her lips tightened. “In all fairness to Manuel, I never prepared him for the extent of my wounds, or where they were at. I’m sure it was a shock to him…”
“What did he do?” Cav demanded.
“He reared back. He wouldn’t touch me. All he could do was stare at them…”
Cav sat unmoving. He could see how fragile Lia really was in that moment. “Then,” he said, his voice harsh and low, “he wanted you for only one thing…sex. He never cared about you as a person, Lia. You realize that now, don’t you?”