“Not when I usurp the throne.”
“What are you—No, whatever. Let’s just go.” Atomik Lad got into the passenger seat and scootched it up for Rachel wouldn’t be too crushed in the back.
“Why thank you, Mr. Sparky. Such a gentleman.”
“I taught him everything he knows,” Nuklear Man bragged.
“That took all of two minutes,” Atomik Lad said as he closed the car door.
“I’m just that good.” Nuklear Man started the car and entered traffic. The world became a much more hazardous place.
“Obese...is...crushing...me.”
“He’s crushing...us all!”
“Has been...for...one minute, seventeen...seconds.”
“He’s...drooling...on me!”
“At least...you’re...not—gasp—by his…armpit, oink!”
“Okenshi...will escape...this simple...trap.”
“This is just a temporary set back,” Blazer said, muffled by the Rotund Raider’s enormous stomach. “We shall reap our vengeance against Nuklear Man.”
“Can we grab some lunch first?” Granite asked from somewhere under the chest region.
“Shut up.”
__________
Issue 16 – Driving Mr. Nuklear (Crazy)
“So then, I look that big ol’ spider right in the eyes—and I ain’t even scared—I look ‘im right in the eyes and says to him, I says, ‘Why don’t you say that to my
face?’”
“And then what?” Rachel patronized. She was leaning forward on the seat backs of her companions so she could hear the conversation, which Nuklear Man had completely hijacked, over the roar of the wind.
“He backed down. Yep, he took one look at me and instantly knew the world of pain he was getting into. Still, I am a Hero after all. I was obligated to eradicate the poor bastard.”
“How daring.”
“Oh, that’s me all over, baby.”
“I’m sure it is.” Rachel had the ability to appear as though she gave a damn. She honed it over several months of busting her ass as a waitress. She could be sincere or “sincere” and you’d never know the difference.
“Maybe I could show ya sometime, huh?” he said with as smooth-talkin’ a tone as he could muster. It was a greater failure than his last attempt.
“
Nuke!”
Atomik Lad shouted. “Look out!” Ahead of them was a mile or so of gridlock.
“Hmm,” Nuklear Man said. “Hang on to your skirts, girls—present company excluded.”
“Thanks? I think,” Rachel said.
“Things are about to get a little crazy.”
“
About
to get?” Atomik Lad slammed on the brakes from the passenger seat. The Danger: Nukemobile skidded to a halt less than an inch from the rear bumper of the car in front of them.
“What’d you do that for?!” Nuklear Man demanded.
“You were about to get us killed!”
“Feh! Death is for the weak.”
“Even so, we’ll just wait here in traffic like normal people until it clears up.”
“Stupid normal people, always slowin’ Nukie down.”
__________
Minutes later.
“So I’m just going to college for the knowledge, you know. I mean, what’s a major really going to do for someone like me, right?” Atomik Lad said. He was completely turned around in his seat so he could face Rachel. Traffic hadn’t budged an inch.
“Yeah, ‘Excuse me, Mr. CEO, I’ve got to save the world.’”
“Exactly. But I like the university atmosphere and it almost makes me think I’m leading a normal life.”
“Shh.”
They looked at Nuklear Man.
Atomik Lad spoke up, “What’s the—”
“
Shh!”
the Hero insisted. “Do you hear that?”
There was nothing to hear.
“No,” Rachel answered for them.
“Shh! There it was again.”
No it wasn’t.
“You feeling all right, Nuke?”
The glazed quality in his eyes shone with other worldly knowledge. “I’ve never felt better.” He giggled maniacally before catching himself. He darted his eyes to assure himself that no one had noticed even though they had. “It’s all so clear to me now. Yes. Shh! Did you hear it that time?”
They listened in the hopes of hearing something, anything, but to no avail. “Maybe if you told us what we’re listening for?” Rachel suggested.
Nuklear Man looked at their guest like she had instantly appeared out of nowhere. He grabbed Atomik Lad by the collar and pulled him close. “Who is that?” he hissed in a conspiratorial whisper.
“Um, Rachel.”
The Hero looked back at her. Paranoia was having a field day in his eyes. He turned back to Atomik Lad. “Can she be trusted?”
“Well, yeah.”
“All right.” He released the sidekick. “But my wrath shall be severe should she betray our sacred cabal.”
“What’re you talking about?”
“Oh, I get it.” Nuklear Man gave a knowledgeable wink. “What
am
I talking about indeed. Very nice, good work.” He sat back in his seat with a content smile. “And we’ll stick to that story, won’t we.”
“What story?”
“Yes, just like that.”
Rachel’s “What?” face met Atomik Lad’s. They shrugged.
“Sometimes,” Atomik Lad said. He paused. “Actually, most of the time, it’s best to pretend that conversations with Nuke never happened once they’re over. You were saying”“Gotcha. Well, I still don’t know what I want to do,” Rachel said. “It feels like such a final decision, you know?”
“That’s what I used to think. But your major doesn’t have to be what your life is about. I mean, look at your parents. I bet their jobs have nothing to do with what they studied in college.”
“I suppose so. Anyway, it’s easy for you to say. You’ve got, well, certain abilities. Being a hero is what you’ve always done. It’s what you’ll always do.”
“And it’s such a terrific fate, let me tell you.”
“I’d give anything to have you what you do. You make a difference in the world. I mean you go and you battle evil. You make the world a better place to live just by being here. You save lives every day. You know you love it.”
“I once read that what you love will destroy you.”
“Isn’t that what your field thingie is for?”
“It comes in handy.”
Nuklear Man heard a thunderous
VROOSH!
as a turtle rocketed past them, though no such event actually occurred.
“Did you
see
that?!” Nuklear Man screamed, half standing and pointing to the horizon beyond the endless line of immobile cars stretching ahead of them.
“Er, no,” Atomik Lad and Rachel answered simultaneously.
“How could you have missed that? It was a big rocketing turtle flying past us at unimaginable speed!”
“How’s that?” Atomik Lad asked incredulously.
“The smoke trail, man! Can’t you at least smell the smoke?”
“No.”
Nuklear Man gave a full-body spasm of freak-out. “What is wrong with you people?!”
“Mr. Nuklear Man?” Rachel asked.
“Gah!” The Golden Guardian recoiled from her. “Who’s that?”
“Nuke, what the hell is going on?”
Rachel leaned to Atomik Lad and whispered in his ear. Only his concern for Nuklear Man kept him from melting on the spot. “I took a psychology course last semester. I think he’s going stir crazy.”
“Stir crazy?”
“Yeah, kinda like, I don’t know, Traffic Jam Dementia.”
“Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“He’s exhibiting all the symptoms. It’s like he’s been locked up in solitary confinement for too long. Paranoia, hallucinations, skittish, jumpy, delusions. He fits the bill.”
“Actually, it’s not much of a change from his normal behavior. He’s just sorta being exaggerated about it now.”
Atomik Lad turned to Nuklear Man. Another manic giggle escaped from his unstable demeanor. “You see? You see? They laughed at me, yes, they all laughed. But now, now I say, who’s laughing?” He waved a ragged piece of paper in one hand. “It’s all here—all here. All the answers, it’s so simple.”
“Nuke?”
“Right here!” He held the paper to his chest to protect it from the savage talking bears in the car. “You can look at it if you promise not to eat it or something equally bearish.”
“Um, okay.”
“Be careful with those claws! It’s fragile.”
“Sure.”
Nuklear Man giggled at something he probably hallucinated and extended a shaking hand. Atomik Lad carefully took the paper like brain surgery was involved. His eyebrows came together and danced up and down a few times. He cocked his head from side to side, squinted, tried viewing the paper from different distances, turned it upside down, and showed it to Rachel.
“No!” Nuklear Man exclaimed, snatching the paper away. “No salvation for that bear. Not until it proves it can be trusted.”
“Sorry.” Atomik Lad slowly took the paper again and looked at it. “So, um. Just what is all this?” he asked. Haphazard chicken scratches were scrawled in various levels of complete nonsense across the paper.
“A while back I heard this harebrained theory that time slows down the faster you go. A ridiculous concept. So I, in an ingenious maneuver, reversed it, because the opposite of ridiculous is logical! I threw the whole works in ‘R’ y’know. So now I’ve mathematically proven that the slower you go, the faster time goes! That’s why, despite the fact we’ve only been here, trapped in this hellish gridlock for an hour and a half—”
“Twelve minutes,” Atomik Lad noted as he examined Nuklear Man’s mad equations.
“—It seems like it’s been five to ten years! You see? Yes, it all falls together. Pearl Harbor, Caesar’s assassination, crop circles, bad poetry, it’s such a beautiful web. From here we can build a coherent model for the universe! The Grand Nukification Theory is a reality! All humanity will bow before me, the Nuklear Regime will usher in a new era of—”
“Nuke, it seems there’s a slight miscalculation in your otherwise impressive theory.”
“Shush, bear. I’m demi-goding.”
“I think you mean demagogue-ing. Besides, this could throw a snag into your plans.” He handed Nuklear Man the paper and pointed to the first line. “You see, two plus two does not equal five.”
“Well no, not
yet.
But the Bureau of Truth Editing will correct that once I come to power. Until then, in order to make the universe fit my formulas, I have ‘theorized’ or ‘made up’ if you will, the concept of ‘dark numbers.’”
“Dark numbers?”
“Yes. Massless, valueless numbers that exist between ordinary numbers that are impossible to detect, but make up 95% of the number line. Now, anytime someone adds wrong, it’s because of dark numbers! It’s the perfect excuse! My rule will be absolute.”
“Let’s just put this Nuklear Regime thing on the back burner for now, huh?”
“Oh, I get it. I should have known better than to trust a couple’a bears with my plans. You’re taking the Grand Nukification Theory for your own, aren’t you? Grand Bearification Theory, right?”
“Well, no.”
“Ha! Your denial proves it! You could at least have the dignity to admit your underhanded treachery. If you think I’m going to let you get away with this, you’ve got another thing coming, ursa-boy.”
“Nuke, snap out of it!” Atomik Lad slapped his mentor with a crackling red fist.
“Sparky! What’re you doing? I should dock you fifteen superpoints for loss of sanity. You went completely bonkers back there.”
Atomik Lad rolled his eyes.
Nuklear Man straightened his cape. “Luckily, I was able to keep my cool and save the platoon from certain doom, no thanks to you and those stinkin’ Commies.”
Rachel couldn’t help laughing at them.
Nuklear Man scoured the field of vehicles. “I think I know how to get us out of this. It’ll take the subtlety of a breeze, the cunning of a fox, the stealth of a shadow, the precision of an eagle, the strength of a—”
“Here it comes.” Atomik Lad prepared himself for the inevitable.
“—PLAZMAAA—”
“Nuke!” Atomik Lad grappled Nuklear Man’s hands. “What have I told you about indiscriminate displays of power?”
“I dunno. Every time you start talking about that stuff I start thinking about how a big Plazma Beam would shut you up.”
“Why me?”
“You two are crazy.”
“Oh I’m fine,” Nuklear Man assured her. He leaned back to whisper conspiratorially to Rachel, “It’s Sparky here I’d worry about.”
Rachel winked at Atomik Lad. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“Nuke, do you think you can hold on to your sanity until the traffic clears up?”
“Hmm, hard to say. There’s so little of it to hold on to.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“It’s kinda hard to keep track of the darn thing, y’know.”
“Let’s just wait it out, all right?”
“Oh fine. And keep a look out for those lousy bears. They’ll stab you in the back, given half the chance.”
“Crazy,” Rachel repeated to herself. “Just crazy.”
__________
Issue 17 – Speed Limit Enforced by Radar
“Oh, nuts to this,” Nuklear Man said. Determination rang through his voice like laughter at a funeral. “It’s time for action!” He turned the wheel all the way to the right and stomped on the gas pedal. At the same time, he grabbed the outside of his door and pulled up. The Danger: Nukemobile jumped with a squeal of acceleration and zipped into the bike lane on two wheels.
Atomik Lad gritted his teeth. “Uh, Nuke,” he said with a calm that he found disturbing. “Maybe you should slow down just a little, hm?”
Rachel looked like she was on a roller coaster. “No wonder you guys are able to get to villain outbursts so quickly.”
“Nuke!” Atomik Lad yelled, one hand holding onto the dashboard, the other pointing straight ahead.
“What?” His voice was wrought with a whiney annoyance.
The bike lane was about to come to an abrupt end, much like the lives of those who were about to be involved in the epic and inevitable wreck.
“Stop the car!”
Atomik Lad screamed.
Nuklear Man’s Heroic gaze, a gaze that can only be perfected by hours of daily practice in front of several full length mirrors, crept across his face. “Sorry, Sparky. We just can’t do that. We’ve got a schedule to keep.”
The first signs of fear began to find their way to Rachel. “M-maybe you should stop, Mr. Nuklear Man. I know you guys are Heroes and all, but there’s no need to go out of your way to invite trouble.”