Menace took the podium as Superion stood behind her and gave winks and thumbs ups to various members of the press. “Of courze, since Zuperion iz new to the city, he will need zomeone to show him around and help him acclimate to hiz new role.”
The journalists raised their hands. “MEMEMEMEME!”
Menace shook her head. “There iz only one man who iz qualified for thiz important tazk.”
Atomik Lad cringed. “Not me,
please
not me.”
“Atomik Lad,” she predictably announced.
His entire body slumped in defeat. “Why am I not surprised?”
Superion set his hand on Atomik Lad’s shoulder, “Hey there, Champ. Looks like we’re partners from now on.”
Atomik Lad removed the surrogate hero’s hand from his shoulder. “Don’t touch me. It sickens me.”
__________
Meanwhile…
“What about me?” Nuklear Man asked while seated among his fellow inmates en route to Katabasis State Pen.
The others conferred with one another huddle style. “Well,” the one they called Snake answered. “You can be Blade’s bitch.”
“Goody, goody!” Nuklear Man said with childish glee.
Blade smiled at Nuklear Man with a mouth like a chessboard. Lots of black spaces.
“Psst,” Nuklear Man said to the inmate next to him, the one they called Stab. “What does this ‘bitch’ stuff mean, anyway?”
The paddy wagon zoomed through the streets of Metroville with the uncharacteristic sound of laughter roaring from the back.
__________
Issue 41 – He’s SuperiorTM in Every Way
The sun sat amongst the peaks of the Metroville Mountains. Atomik Lad and Superion hovered over the business district of downtown Metroville. The din of urban life was a faint whisper.
“There,” Atomik Lad said, his voice sharp with impatience. “That’s the city. You’ve seen pretty much everything. All that’s left now is Überdyne.”
Superion scanned the city below. “You know, Sport, not to criticize, but your little tour here seems a bit rushed.”
“Yeah, well. We don’t want to be caught sight-seeing if a disaster should strike. Right?”
“Good thinkin’, Slugger.”
“I guess I should introduce you to Dr. Genius. She’s sort of our head contact for hero stuff.”
“Lead the way, Slugger.”
__________
Meanwhile, inside Katabasis Prison, the newly admitted inmates were lined up at attention in the arid courtyard. The Captain of the Guard paced back and forth in front of the newcomers like a Drill Sergeant, only meaner. “You filthy
maggots
,” he snarled.
Nuklear Man quivered and hoped the maggots weren’t touching him.
“You diseased sacks of flesh.”
“Ew,” the Hero muttered.
“You festering blotches on the face of society.”
“Man, this guy is
really
gross,” Nuklear Man whispered to Stab.
“Do you have something you’d like to share, maggot!”
“Maggot? Where!?” Nuklear Man hovered and held his cape away from the ground.
“Oh, a wise guy, huh?”
“Y’know, it’s interesting. I’ve been called a lot of things, especially by Sparky, but that was definitely never one of them.”
“That’s it, Pretty Boy.”
“Now he’s called me that a lot.”
“You just keep right on talking,” the Captain said.
“No, he
definitely
never said anything like that.”
“Cut it out, can’t ya!”
Nuklear Man planted his feet back on the stone floor. “
Well
. You don’t have to yell.”
“Arrrrgh. Lock up these maggots!” he ordered his fellow guards.
“Gah!” and again the Hero was airborne.
The Guard leaned right into Nuklear Man’s face. “I’m going to enjoy watching you rot away in that old tower.
__________
“Come in,” Dr. Genius said from behind a pile of Scientific: Notes covering her desk.
Atomik Lad flung the door open. “Hey. Doc, this is Superion. Superion, Dr. Genius. Okay, we’re done here. Let’s go.”
“What’s the rush, Tiger?” Superion said as he made his entrance. “It’s not every day you get to see an angel this close to Earth.”
Dr. Genius spun around in her chair. “Oh, why thank you,” she said with the beginnings of a blush working its way across her face.
“Oh, geez.”
“You know,” she said while toying with a loose lock of hair. “I’m obligated by law to give
all
the city’s heroes thorough physicals every month. I could schedule you for an appointment. Say, all day Saturday?”
“I’ll be up for that, Venus.” Superion said with a wink. “Think you could hold down the fort while I’m gone, Champ?”
“Ima,” Atomik Lad said, completely ignoring Superion’s query. “What about Mighty Metallic Magno Man? You know, your boyfriend?”
“Hm?” she said disinterestedly.
“Boyfriend, eh? Does this Magno Man know he’s the luckiest darn guy in the world?”
“Swoon.”
“Yeah. Okay, we’re gone,” Atomik Lad grumbled while dragging the Superior Sentinel out of the room.
__________
Nuklear Man sidled along the dinner line squeezed amongst some of Metroville’s most heinous criminals.
“Mmm, I’m ready for some
good
eatin’! What do they serve around here? Veal, fillet mignon, lobster?”
There was a fellow prisoner behind the smudged glass partition that guarded the food trough from sneezes. He wore an apron that was hopefully stained by food and a hairnet. His face had character. Unfortunately, it was the character of a rotten corpse recently unearthed from a landfill. He slapped an ice cream scoop full of off-grayish slop onto Nuklear Man’s tray.
“Hm. Interesting,” the Hero observed. “But what are we supposed to
eat?”
__________
Atomik Lad flew ahead of Superion as the majestic Überdyne Building receded behind them. “All right, well I’ve shown you around, so we’re done. I’m going back to the Silo to think of ways to get Nuke out of jail.”
“Good for you, kiddo.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
__________
That night, Atomik Lad sat at the Danger: Kitchen Table with blank sheets of paper and what turned out to be a very,
very
heavy pen. He moved into the Danger: Living Room to be more comfortable on the Danger: Couch.
“That oughta get the ol’ brain cells pumping. Okay. I need to get a lawyer. Maybe I can get one of Überdyne’s. But they really specialize in scientific ethics cases, so maybe I should just get a normal one. But they wouldn’t touch our case with, I don’t know, a really long legal ruler. Argh. I hate this.”
He turned on the Danger: TV and felt strangely comforted by the nonsensical prattling of Silly Sam’s Cartoon Marathon-a-thon o’ Fun.
__________
Deep in the derelict North Tower of Katabasis Prison, the Captain of the Guard’s harsh voice echoed amongst the dank stone walls, “All right, maggot.”
“Guh! You should do something about those.”
“Shut up, maggot!”
“Okay, talking to them is one thing, but when they start to talk
back
, that’s when you know it’s time to go ‘Whoa.’ That’s when you gotta back up and realize that though they very well may be plotting against you, they cannot communicate in a way that is recognizable to you or I.”
“Put the damn mask on,” the Captain grumbled.
“Only if you promise to seek some serious psychological help.”
“Yes. Fine, whatever. Put the damn thing on.” He tossed the heavy, archaic, and rusting iron mask into the Hero’s hands.
“This is for your own good.” Nuklear Man squeezed his cranium into the iron mask.
The Guard slapped the mask’s many locks shut and squealed with delight.
“Uh, this is kinda uncomfortable, ya know. Maybe I should get a bigger one. I think it’s physically impossible to contain all of my brains and good looks in this little mask. I feel cramped.”
“It’s not supposed to be comfortable!”
“Oh. Well then, mission accomplished, cap’n. So could you get me the one that
is
supposed to be comfortable?”
“Argh!”
__________
“Hey, Sparky. How’re you holding up?”
Atomik Lad sighed too heavily directly into the phone. It sounded like he spat static. “I don’t know. Everything is so…wrong lately.”
“I could see how you’d feel that way. No part of that trial was anything close to right.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to work up a plan right now.”
“How’s it coming?”
“Eh. I can’t think straight. It’s like the more I think about this whole situation, the more I fully understand how wrong it is from every possible angle and how all those different angles interlock with one another, each one amplifying the injustices of the ones before and after it like some kind of infinite matrix of the universe working specifically to ruin my life until I just can’t stand it!” He took a deep breath. “You know?”
“I think so. It reminds me of the University admissions office.”
“Don’t get me started on them. They even tried to jerk me around because my being a sidekick wasn't covered under their rules for special allowances to register late.”
Atomik Lad stared into the TV as some news footage of Superion filled the screen with the caption, “Tomorrow’s Hero Here Today, on Metroville Tonight.”
“Ugh,” he groaned. “And this guy they’ve got to replace Nuke, this Superion. I
hate
him. It seems like I’m the only one though. There’s just something about him. He tries so hard to be everyone’s best friend. It creeps me out.”
“I think you just miss your old pal, Nukie.”
“Hmmphf. Like a hole in the head.”
“You know, it is odd though. I’ve heard some people on campus talking about this Superion guy already.”
“I’m surprised he doesn’t have his own merchandise out yet.”
“Don’t be. He does. I saw three people wearing Superion shirts on the way to class”
“You see! That’s not normal. It’s only been one day! Something weird is going on here. I mean, if he’s a replacement for Nuke, he’s got to be damn powerful.”
“Right.”
“So why hasn’t anyone heard of him until now?”
“Hm, I don’t know. Actually, I think his name does sound familiar somehow.”
“Does it? Yeah, now that you mention it. Wasn’t that where Captain Liberty came from? Some government thing. Project: Superion, Superion Program, something like that.”
“Yeah, that sounds right. I wonder if there’s a connection,” Rachel said.
“I don’t have to chauffeur Superion around any more, so I’ll look into it tomorrow.”
__________
Wednesday.
Things were not going according to schedule. It all started entirely too early in the morning when Atomik Lad was forced out of bed by the Danger: Phone.
“Muh?” he said.
“Er,” the voice on the other side of the line said. “Am I speaking with Atomik Lad?”
“Mur?”
“Once for no, twice for yes.”
“Muh, mur.”
“Excellent. Mr. Atomik Lad, I’m Paper Pusher, down at the Mayor’s office. We’re going to need you to accompany Superion on his patrols for the foreseeable future.”
“Buh!”
“Yes, we’re excited about this wonderful opportunity to work with such a wonderful hero as well. It’s just, well it’s so darned
wonderful!”
But that didn’t mean he had to be graceful about it. He made sure to stay just far enough away from Superion to justify ignoring him.
“Hm, hold up a second there, cowboy.”
“All right. These names of yours are
really
starting to bug me.”
“My Superior HearingTM detects a crime below.”
“And yet it doesn’t detect the loathing in my voice.”
“Let’s check it out.”
Superion zoomed to street level while Atomik Lad reluctantly followed. Indeed, there was a crime in progress. It seemed the SMSTCAOAN, fresh out of the jury box, were already defaming the good name of goodness by robbing a bagel shop. They had just bungled out the entrance when Superion landed in front of them like an imposing figure of looming parental power. The villains collectively took a step back.
“I told ya he’d make it,” Zeerox said.
“And right on time,” Chronotor commented.
Atomik Lad landed next to Superion. “Okay, guys. You know the drill by now. Either surrender and give back the money, or we go to work on you chumps.”
“Money? We didn’t take no money,” Granite said.
“Just a coupla bagels,” Lord Obese said through a mouthful of munched up food.
“We even paid for them, oink.”
Blazer stepped forward with a notebook and a pen in his hand. “We just wanted your autograph, Mr. Superion, sir.”
“Oh, you crazy kids. Did you cause all this hoopla just to get my autograph?”
They bashfully adverted their eyes and collectively said, “Noooooooooo?”
“Oh for the love of….” Atomik Lad muttered to himself.
Superion signed the autograph book and handed it back. “There you go, Firecracker. Anything else I can help you with?”
“Well, I hope this isn’t asking too much,” Blazer began respectfully. “But could you subdue us?”
“Okenshi speaks for his comrades when he says it would be a great honor.”
“Please?” Blazer pleaded.
“Well, I don’t normally do this, but okay.”
“Yay!” they cheered.
“Atomik Lad!” the ex-sidekick heard Dr. Genius’s voice from within his own mind. “Come in, over.”
Yeah. I’m here
, he thought to her.
Man, that’s so weird
.
“It’s the most effective way of communicating with you for emergencies and I can’t seem to get through to Superion. It’s almost as if he’s blocking my signal somehow. Maybe you should bring him in so I can do a few Kopelson Intrinsity sweeps and calibrate the Telepath-a-matic so he can benefit—”
You said something about an emergency?
“Oh yes. It seems Dr. Menace is robbing the First National Bank of Metroville. It’s not exactly her style, but I think she may have turned over a new leaf—of sorts—since the trial. You two need to get down there before she escapes.”