Obsessed: America's Food Addiction--And My Own (31 page)

“That’s a hard process these days when we’re so attuned to weight and size. We’re afraid that someone will gain weight as a preteen and be obese forever. We’re making so many kids so horribly self-conscious about their bodies and fearful that if they eat anything at all it’s against the rules, and they’re going to get their parents’ disapproval.”

So how do I avoid that, but still keep my kids on track? Sometimes I am afraid that raising the topic of weight will promote an eating disorder, instead of helping them sidestep it. I know from talking with my friends that I’m not the only mom who feels that way. A lot of us worry about subconsciously sending negative messages to our daughters, or projecting our own fears onto them.

“But that’s the same argument for not talking to your kids about sex. It’s the misconception that if you talk to them they will then go out and be sexually active,” said Nancy Snyderman. “Start talking in kindergarten. Don’t wait until they’re thirteen. This is all better if it becomes a part of your family conversations.”

Chances are your children already know a child suffering from disordered eating. Emily Senay recommends being very direct and asking, “How does it make
you
feel when you hear that so-and-so is doing this? Do you feel pressure to do anything like that?”

If your child already has a weight problem, there’s an art to talking about that, too. Focusing on health can be helpful, Emily says. “I think you have to opt for questions about health such as, ‘Is this the healthiest way to be?’ ‘Is this the best way for you to run faster and hang out with other kids?’”

But before you even raise the issue, do some soul searching about what’s going on in your home, and whether you need to make some changes there first. “What doesn’t work is saying, ‘Sweetie pie, you’re fat, you’ve got to solve it,’ but in the meantime the family’s going on exactly the way they have,” warns Nancy. “It’s a little bit like your spouse has lung cancer but you’re not going to quit smoking.”

When you raise your concerns, remind your kids how much you love them. That was the approach Nancy took with her own daughter. “I want my heavy child to lose weight, and I’ve said to her outright, ‘I need you to live longer than your mother. If you don’t lose thirty pounds, I worry that I will outlive you. And you can’t do that to me.’ And she heard me.

“I said to her, ‘You are an adult now. I need you to have a big, wonderful, fabulous life, and I’m worried that you won’t.’
She listened, and she’s made all these little changes in her life that have allowed her to drop fifteen pounds.

“I couldn’t make it about being sexy; it couldn’t be about comparing her to her sister. It had to be about the fact that I as her mother need her to be healthy because I love her that much. And she got the message.”

The other part of the equation is making sure that exercise is a family activity. Yes, we’ve got to put gym back in the schools, too, but the commitment begins at home. We should start by making a vow to pull the kids away from the TV or the computer and do something active together every day.

That can be a challenge even for parents who are fit, because a lot of us confine our exercise to the gym. Not good enough, says Lisa Powell. “That just relegates activity to a finite period: I am going to be active now and then sit in front of the television the rest of the day. What kid doesn’t want to go do something fun with their parents?”

I was raised in the tradition of Brzezinski family walks, and I admit they were sometimes hellish. My parents’ idea of a good time was walking or hiking no matter what the weather, in rain, sleet, or snow. In fact, we once lost our dog in a snowdrift. I can remember walking and walking even when my feet were freezing. I can even remember getting a shot of vodka at age ten to help me warm up, after climbing straight up a mountain in bitter cold weather.

My parents considered that a great time. I wasn’t so sure, but what I really remember is that we learned a lot about each
other as we walked; there were some great revelations and conversations on those adventures. I thank them so much for making family activity and exercise an important value in my life.

Jim and I have done much the same thing with our girls since they were little. As a family, we take long walks, play tennis, and go kayaking when we can. The girls invented “Cajun Come,” a game we play with our dog, Cajun, which gets the whole family running relays, laughing, and having fun together. Watch out, though; Jim and I love to run, but these days our teenager Emilie leaves us in the dust.

Here are some tips from Margo Maine about controlling the conversation at home.

I
am sitting in my home office, looking at a photo of my two daughters. Carlie, fourteen, is a freshman in high school. Emilie, seventeen, is a junior. Both of them have vibrant, wonderful lives, and they are so busy right now that they probably won’t even read this book. But I hope they will read it eventually, and that it will help them understand me better, and know how deeply I love them. I wrote this at least as much for the girls as I did for Diane or me.

I’ve tried to be very honest here about how much of my time and energy has been wasted obsessing about food. I could have used those years a whole lot better by focusing instead on making a difference in the world. I would do just about anything to keep Carlie and Emilie away from the pitfalls of food obsession.

If you are a parent, you know that your kids see and understand much more than you give them credit for. I thought my struggle with food meant wrestling with my own private demons, but I found out it was a lot more visible than I realized. Carlie and I were in the doctor’s office recently for her regular checkup, and we both weighed ourselves. “I weigh more than you!” she tossed at me, without seeming the least bit upset.

She got off the scale and popped back onto the examining table and added, “
You
have an eating disorder, so that’s why you weigh less than me.” She said it very matter-of-factly, with that cutting honesty that is something of a Brzezinski family trademark. I was about to retaliate with, “Do not be disrespectful to your mother,” but I didn’t. After writing this book, I couldn’t argue with her. Not only was it still true, but I actually loved that she had the nerve and the insight to say it to me.

It dawned on me then that my daughter is healthier than I am. She is completely fine with her weight. Carlie looks good, she exercises, and she has a healthy appetite that includes plenty of good food. She enjoys eating, but she’s not obsessed with it. Right now, her much greater passions are singing and horseback riding.

Emilie worries more about her diet, but that’s because she’s a runner and she wants to win all her races. She is concerned about eating foods that will provide the optimal nutrition for an athlete, not because she’s worried about holding her stomach in.

I think that’s fantastic. Margo Maine helped me think long and hard about the risk of laying
my
issues on the girls, and I have backed far away from pressuring them. They seem to be doing just fine, and that might be in spite of me, not because of me. They are going to be beautiful women.

I want my girls to see me at peace with eating, and I might just be making progress in becoming a better role model. These days I’m eating more, and I don’t feel hungry all the time.

Today I made myself a sandwich with three eggs, Swiss cheese, and arugula on two big pieces of wheat toast, grilled in olive oil. I didn’t measure the olive oil and I didn’t worry about the fat in the cheese. And I ate all three eggs, including the yolks.

Nora Ephron, it was just what you told me to do. I wish you were still here so I could thank you. I know you’d be happy that I am finally becoming less anxious about what I am going to eat next. Nora, you told me to learn to enjoy food as one of life’s great pleasures, and I am trying to do that.

I want my girls to see me at peace with eating, and I might just be making progress in becoming a better role model. These days I’m eating more, and I don’t feel hungry all the time.—
Mika

Nutritionists Sue Gebo and Lisa Powell helped me a lot, too. Their comments about my very rigid diet, and their suggestions about how I can make different choices, helped widen my horizons. I am finding ways to make better choices, and I’m
eating a greater variety of food, knowing that I can’t starve myself and I shouldn’t binge, either. I’m giving up the pain of trying to maintain an unnaturally thin body weight. I am wearing a bigger dress size now, and on my good days, I like it. On the good days, I feel a calm I haven’t known before.

Anyone with an eating disorder knows how hard it can be to sustain good behavior. Trust me, I’m still obsessed with food, and I think I am still addicted in some unhealthy ways. But I can’t let down my friends who were generous enough to share their wisdom with Diane and me, and I’m trying to follow their advice. Like Susie Essman, I am finding my power in my work, not my body image. Kate White and Christie Hefner helped me adjust my picture of what beautiful and healthy should look like. Gayle King reminded me that it’s okay to live it up once in a while.