“To what end?” She asked, genuinely curious.
“I want to take you to the edges of what you can endure, because that’s where you’ll find euphoria.” He explained simply. “I can’t do that while you’re still holding onto what you think good girls should and shouldn’t do. I need you to forget that there’s any such thing as ‘good’. There’s just man and woman and the things that pass between them. I need you to abandon yourself to me, to trust me. Kitten, I want to hear you scream my name.”
“You’re redefining everything in a way that’s too radical for me to understand.” She murmured. “Everything I knew about
making love...It’s fierce and gentle...piercing and painful, at the same time as comforting and kind. With you it’s all fierce, all the time. I don’t know where in your wildness there’s room for love.”
“Love is a human construct.” He shrugged. “It’s just a label for the way your hormones make you feel bonded. I give you companionship, I make you laugh, I give of myself freely to you and we w
ork well together. Why do you feel that has to be categorised and labelled neatly under love?”
“Because being with you
is like being too close to the sun. It’s so overwhelming and I’m scared I’m going to get burned.” She shook her head. “I feel dangerously unbalanced...like choosing to be with you is a decision to never know gentleness again.”
“I can be gentle.”
He squeezed her soothingly, rocking her slightly like one would comfort a child. “I have to be gentle at times. In my darkest moments of desire, I know that it has to be tempered or I’ll flame out. That’s not to say I like my gentleness. There are times I feel like it’s a weakness but, as a wise man once said, you can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel.”
“Did you just quote Johnny Depp to me?” She blinked and he chuckled.
“He’s a wise man.”
“I guess he is. He’s been through some darkness in his life too.” She sighed and sipped her coffee. “Why do you feel like your gentleness is a weakness?”
“It’s less a weakness than it is a dead time.” Now he was the one struggling for words. “When I’m on the edge I feel so bright and fierce and alive. I need the gentleness to catch my breath but it seems so...” He paused. “It’s like the difference between breathing and singing. I sing because it brings me joy and I breathe because I have to. I’m ambivalent towards breathing...it just is.”
“I can’t be ambivalent about gentleness.” She admitted. “You strip me bare until I feel raw and exposed. It’s euphoric at the time
, but I need the gentleness afterwards to soothe the wounds. It’s like you’ve amputated something vital from my consciousness and I’m hurtling into the void without any safety net.”
“Then you have to tell me.” He laid his cheek against the top of her head. “This won’t work if we’re not honest with each other.
We have to communicate, and communicate often. Tell me when you need me to be gentle and I’ll bring you down safely.”
“What if I can’t do it?” Her knuckles whitened around her mug. “What if I can’t let go enough to trust you?”
“It’ll be okay. I will never push you farther than I think you can go.”
“How did you end up like this?” She knew it was a personal question
, but she couldn’t explain her own feelings. Maybe understanding his would help.
At first she didn’t think he was going to tell her and then he sighed. “There was a woman....a close family friend. I was young and helpless and my parents didn’t care. I couldn’t go to anyone for help and she made me do...” He shuddered. “I’m not going to tell you the specifics of it. Anyway, I left home at
sixteen and my first real relationship was with a naturally submissive girl. It was cathartic to lash out at her and, over time, the more she got out of it, the more I got out of it, until I was irreparably changed. It felt good to be the one dishing it out and she wanted it.” He shivered slightly, though whether with cold or thrill Noelle wasn’t sure. “I took back control of my life.”
“How old were you?” She was careful not to allow pity into her voice, knowing instinctively that he couldn’t have accepted it.
“It started when I was nine and ended the night before my sixteenth birthday.” His tone was bleak and sent chills right through her.
“Gosh...” She didn’t know what to say to that.
“It’s okay.” He smiled at their reflection in the window. “I’m at peace with it.”
“You’re a brave man Gabriel Hallow.” She murmured, looking at him through new eyes. He made sense now and that made her confusion slightly easier to bear.
“Being brave is the only way I can live this damaged.” He said with twisted self-deprecation in his tone. “It’s not a choice. It’s a necessity.” Outside the snow began to fall again and he nibbled her ear as she gasped in delight. “I feel like dancing.” He whispered softly. “Will you dance with me?”
“Sure.”
She let him take her almost-empty mug and turned into his arms, moving gently with him in time to the music as she wondered how she could fix his damaged soul.
That night when they went to bed
, he steadfastly refused to do anything other than hug her. “I worked you hard last night.” He said simply. “You need the rest. Go to sleep.”
“I feel fine.” She laughed, kissing the bottom of his chin.
“You do now. If I go to town on you again, you won’t be a happy bunny in the morning. Trust me.”
“You don’t have to go to town on me.” She rolled onto her front and propped her chin on her palm. “We could try for some of that gentleness you told me you’re capable of.”
“I’m not ready for that yet.” Something haunted rolled beneath his gaze as he looked up at her. “Don’t ask me to be that naked with you.”
“Okay.” He was the damaged one. She wasn’t going to push him any more than he was going to push her. “Where is your gym? I never saw it when we were in the music room
, but you came from that direction.”
“That’s because I don’t show it to outsiders until I know they’re not going to run screaming and that they have a safe word.” He gave her a twisted grin, his teeth flashing white in the light from the city below them.
“People would run screaming from a gym?” She repeated cluelessly and he burst out laughing.
“It’s not all gym equipment in there.” He explained when she looked even more confused. “
When I said I wanted to tie you up, I didn’t mean I would necessarily be doing it in here. I have some...equipment.”
“Oh.” Her breath hitched as she tried to imagine what sort of equipment you’d need to tie someone up. She hadn’t thought further than the ropes. “I guess I should probably take a look at it then.”
“Kitten, you aren’t stepping over the threshold of that room unless you’re ready to play.” He warned her, his voice full of amusement. “I don’t know if you’re ready for it. You haven’t even chosen a safe word yet.”
“Cabbage?”
She suggested and he burst out laughing again.
“You can’t be serious?” He laughed.
“Cabbage? Really?”
“Well it’s not like I’d yell it out by accident, is it?” She shrugged, pleased to see him smiling.
“Well no, but I’m not sure I could take it seriously.” He was still chuckling and she nodded.
“Exactly my point.
You’d be laughing too hard to carry on doing whatever it was you were doing when I had to shout it.”
“Good point.” He shook his head as though he couldn’t believe he was agreeing with her. “Cabbage it is.”
“Will you show me? In the morning?”
“I thought you wanted to go out tomorrow?” He reminded her. “Christmas is only a couple of days away.”
“We don’t have to play.” She pointed out. “I could just stick my head through the door and have a quick peek. You don’t even have to be there. You could wait in the kitchen.”
“I don’t know...” He wavered
“Please Gabriel.” She leaned over, setting her head on his chest. “I’m curious.”
“You know what they say about curiosity.” He replied automatically and she sighed.
“I know. But I’m going to see it sometime. Come on.”
“Noelle, if I take you into that room, we aren’t coming out until I have thoroughly fucked every inch of your body. I am going to own you.
Absolutely.”
There was a long silence. “I did say you could wait in the kitchen.”
It was a long time before he stopped laughing enough to go to settle.
***
The next morning she found him in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee. She hadn’t even heard him get up but, as usual, he’d left her coffee on the bedside table and run her a bath. “Morning.” She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. “Did you sleep well?”
“Not so much.” He
lifted an arm to hug her back. “You?”
“Like a log. I think yours must be the most comfortable bed on the planet. Why didn’t you sleep well?”
Because he’d been lying awake all night thinking about having her in his playroom. His dick hadn’t shown any signs of going soft for almost seven hours.
“Come with me.” He said softly, setting his coffee mug down on the breakfast bar. Taking her hand, he led her towards the music room.
“We’re going to see the gym?” She was surprised. She hadn’t expected him to show her after his response last night. Then she smiled. “You aren’t going to wait in the kitchen?”
“No kitten. I’m not.” His voice was deep and rumbling, like distant thunder, and it rippled all over her skin, raising goosebumps. She didn’t know whether to be terrified or aroused and the blend of both made her heart race.
He led her through the music room and through into a short corridor, at the end of which was a locked door. He pulled a key from his pocket and slid it into the lock. “Are you sure about this?” The line of his shoulders radiated tension and she squeezed his hand.
“I’m sure.” She wasn’t. She was about as unsure as they came, but she’d have to see it sooner or later so she’d know exactly what she was dealing with. It made sense to see it now, this early in their relationship, so that if she couldn’t deal with it she could back out. The longer they stayed together, the harder it would be to leave. Besides, he’d had other women in here. How scary could it be? He turned the key and pushed the door open, leading her through into a large, windowless room.
It was split down the middle
, with mirrored walls on either side. To her left there was gym equipment – weights, a treadmill, a rowing machine, a cross trainer and a couple of other things she didn’t recognise. To her right were his objects of play. He released her hand so she could wander around, looking at things as he stood by the door, just watching.
She trailed a hand across the adjustable dance bar, trying and failing to imagine how he would use it. There was a padded table in the shape of an inverted T. When she pressed it to test the padding, the surface tilted.
Interesting. That one she could think of a few uses for. There was a block about waist high, with padding on the top and leather cuffs on either side. She didn’t realise what it was until she saw the foot holes. The thought of being bent over and helplessly strapped down made her warm in a way that was uncomfortable. At the far end of the room there was a series of leather cuffs attached to the wall at various heights, as well as a series of winches and pulleys hanging from the ceiling. Again, her mind filled with images that made her shiver. She couldn’t decide if it was fear or anticipation. There was also a stackable padded horse, like the one she’d seen at school doing PE. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to go into the gym there again after this. She had no doubt that when Gabriel was done with her, she’d never look at this equipment in the same light again. His eyes followed her in silence as she moved back towards him, noting the chest of drawers behind the door. He didn’t stop her as she pulled open a drawer to reveal several coils of neatly tied and stacked rope.
“I expected it to be a lot
more scary.” She admitted, blushing with relief as she pushed the drawer closed again. “None of this is really frightening.”
“What were you expecting?” He asked curiously and she giggled self-consciously.
“I don’t know. Whips. Spikes. Things that would hurt. But I don’t see anything in here that isn’t just about restraint.”
“If I want to mark you
, I’ll do it with my hands and teeth, not a whip or a spike.” He said evenly and her heart roared in her ears.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for pain.” She reminded him and he nodded.
“I know.” She was. It just had to be at the right moment. She would learn. “I warned you last night of the consequences of coming in here.” He pushed the door closed and locked it. “Tell me your safe word.”
“Cabbage.”
She grinned and he smiled back, seeming more relaxed now that she hadn’t freaked out.
“Good. Take your clothes off, fold them and leave them on top of the drawers.” She hesitated, clearly uncertain, as a rosy blush heated her face and
neck, but she’d asked to be brought in here and she knew what the consequences would be. Self consciously, she removed the jeans and sweater she’d pulled on after her bath and set them on the drawers like he’d requested. Her underwear followed and he watched her approvingly as she turned back to him. “Time is short this morning, so I’ll break you in gently, but we’re coming back in here tonight and you’ll learn what this is all about.” He said quietly. “This is your last chance to back out kitten.”