Authors: EJ Valson,Michelle Read
C
HAPTER 30
The sunset glows upon us as we walk to Stacy’s house to get a propane tank for the barbecue we are having at my mom’s house while she is out of town. I am dog-sitting, so I take the opportunity for Michael to stay there and spend the last few days of his time here with me. Olivia is with her other grandparents, so I have a free weekend.
It is bittersweet.
I’m so happy to be spending this precious time with Michael, but I am dreading Sunday when he leaves. We step off the sidewalk to cross the quiet suburban street. Stacy recently rented a house two blocks away from my mom’s, which now makes it convenient to visit them both.
Michael slips his hand into mine and I enjoy the feeling of his cool, dry palm pressed against mine. Our hands fit together perfectly. We leisurely make our way to Stacy’s back yard, grab the tank from her grill and head back out of the gate that connects to the alley.
Michael is carrying the heavy tank in both hands while I walk slightly ahead of him. I stop at the corner to cross the street and look back at him trailing behind with the tank. The orange glow of the setting sun frames him from behind. He sets the tank down when he catches up to me, pulls me in close and kisses me. Bliss.
I sit upright on Astrid’s couch. I am tired. I feel unsettled. John leans back in the chair next to the couch. His legs are crossed and his notepad is perched on his knee. My journal is lying open on the table beside his chair. The room is quiet, with the exception of the crackling fire and the ticking clock in the dining room. Astrid is sitting at the end of the couch. No one speaks.
“What?” I ask them.
“First, it seems that you really, truly love this man.” Astrid says softly. John nods in agreement.
“But, Jennifer,” she continues, “Over the past few months I have seen your intensity to find the truth diminish. Initially you were so certain of your future life, and I could feel it from you. I occasionally even had visions of the memories you are telling me now. But they are gone,” she says. She appears concerned, and a little sad.
“What do you think that means?” I ask, a sense of foreboding starting in the pit of my stomach.
John sifts through his book slowly and taps his pencil on the corner of a page while thinking. I can tell he is
trying to find the right words.
“We are starting to think that your soul is settling into this current life. Astrid and I have discussed this at length and she and I don’t sense in you the same emotional or physical attachment to this future or other life that we sensed when we first met you,” he says.
He reaches for my journal and flips through it quickly. “Your entries are becoming shorter, with less detail. They are almost sloppy and forced -- as if it’s a homework assignment that you don’t want to do. Yet when I put you under hypnosis your tone is extremely different and we hear the emotional attachment again,” he explains.
Astrid sits up and puts her hand on my knee. “Jen, we could go on and on and listen to your recollections of whatever your future was -- or maybe it’s a parallel life or something that could have happened if you had taken a different path -- but we aren’t sure this is serving you well.”
I am becoming angry, but I don’t know why. I’m frustrated by what I am hearing. I am telling them all of these memories when I’m in an alternate state, but they won’t let me know what these memories are in order to avoid “contaminating the purity of thought,” as John likes to put it. I understand his reasoning, but I’m frustrated that I am not allowed to hear what they hear so that I can find out if that will bring something back.
“So now what? What are you saying?” I demand, feeling a mix of panic and anger.
Astrid sits up more straightly, faces me and takes my hand into hers.
“Jennifer I don’t know how this is helping you. I cannot see how you will get back to this other place. I used to see glimpses of your and Michael’s life together. I could see a wedding day, I could see the birth of a child, but the visions have stopped,” she says as
tears start to pool in the bottom of her grey eyes. My body begins to shake.
“Jennifer, this has been so fascinating,” John begins. “I have never come across someone seeing a future that was only within years of their current life and providing such detail, even things that are revealing themselves in your community without you having any way of knowing about them. I could go on and on listening to you, but this would only be selfish of me. I have no ideas about how to get you back to that life, or if I could, what the risks might be,” he finishes.
“So, you are just giving up on me?” I ask. The panic is now in my voice, and rising. “You just want me to stay here, in this life, and not ever see them again?” I stand up and shout at them. “I can’t let this go, I can’t let
them
go! “
“Jennifer, I can’t see you with
anyone
anymore,” Astrid says abruptly from the couch.
Her words are a stunning blow. I freeze. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I feel my other loved ones slip even further away from me. It burns. It hurts. It takes my breath away.
Astrid stands up and gently rubs my back. She softens her tone.
“Jennifer, I’m so sorry. Something has changed over the last few weeks. It seemed to be with the turn of the new year. I used to see who I believe is Michael, but then I also saw you and Joe. I also saw the birth of a child. It’s so choppy and hard to make sense of, but it’s what I am envisioning.”
I draw in a breath that almost chokes me. I cover my eyes with my hands and begin to sob. Astrid guides me down to the couch and rocks me while I cry. I know she is telling the truth. She has nothing to gain by lying. And I now know that I have to prepare myself to move on.
CHAPTER 32
The rain is coming down hard as I drive back home from Astrid’s. The sky is almost dark. Car headlights, brake lights and traffic lights are blinding me as I struggle to peer through the water streaming down the windshield, my vision further blurred by my tears.
I drive in silence. I can’t think. I can only feel. I am raw.
I’m empty. I am hurting everywhere. Inside my purse my cell phone rings. I know it is Joe, but I don’t want to talk to him. I slowly make my way back to the house. What is the rush? I will most likely be with him for the rest of this life.
I pull in the driveway and step out of the car into the pouring rain, without even bothering to put on my coat or use an umbrella on my walk to the house.
“
Mommy!” Olivia shouts, and runs to me for a hug as I come dripping through the front door. I force a smile and give her a light hug.
“Hey, Babe,” Joe calls out from the kitchen.
“Hey,” I say numbly.
Joe comes around the corner and looks surprised by my drenched state.
“You OK?” he asks, with questioning eyes.
I shrug as I slide my soaked shoes off and drop my purse to the floor. Olivia goes back to her cartoons without mentioning the water that has collected on her arms and shirt from hugging me.
“Don’t you have a coat or something?” Joe asks.
“I forgot to put it on.” I reply.
“OK. Well, go dry off. Dinner is almost ready,” he says, heading back to the kitchen.
“I’m not really hungry,” I reply. “I am just going to shower and lie down.”
Joe turns around with a concerned look on his face and walks back to me. I can’t meet his eyes, so I keep looking down. He lightly takes my hand, which is hanging down by my side, and tucks his finger under my chin to gently raise my face to meet his gaze.
“What’s wrong? You have a bad day?” he asks gently, his face full of concern.
I look into his eyes and take a deep breath. This is my husband. This life is the choice I made that changed my fate at some point. I have Olivia, I have my family and friends, and I have a man who
apparently loves me -- even if I don’t feel the same way for him that I remember feeling for someone else that may not have ever even exist. But maybe someday I will.
CHAPTER 33
After my last session with Astrid and John, I grieved privately. I spent time reading my journal, hoping to make sense of what I thought was my life before this. After lying in bed for a full weekend faking an ailment, I decided enough was enough and chose to start over the following week.
I have since been occupying my time with work and going to the gym. Every time I start to feel a bit of anxiety, thirty minutes on the treadmill shakes it off. I must be having a lot of anxiety, because I have lost five pounds and my body is taking on a sculpted tone it hasn’t had since I was in my early twenties -- the first time. The new strength in my body seems to be feeding my mental strength as well, and I have come to depend on it.
Work has been busy with preparations for a large trade show the Marketing department is attending. When Operations is slow, I help Marketing put together promotional packets and booth supplies. Steve has taken notice of my ability to pitch in where needed and has mentioned stealing me from Ruth. Even if he’s just joking, I hold out hope there is some truth behind his words.
Olivia is thriving at school and home. She is learning how to read. I can’t recall her picking it up so easily the first time around. I attribute this to her preschool and am pleased that Joe and I made the decision to send her there.
Joe has been working overtime due to severe weather conditions. We have had a series of heavy wind storms and he has had to patch more roofs than one could count. Though I feel for him having to work in such harsh conditions, I appreciate the time I get alone with Olivia -- and to myself.
Today is Olivia’s fifth birthday. Joe finally has a day off, so the idea to have a big party with family and friends at a local pizza parlor goes as planned. I’m almost finished wrapping her gifts and Joe has gone out to pick up the cake. Olivia softly knocks on our bedroom door just as I’m putting the last bow on the biggest gift -- a doll house.
“Mommy?” she asks sweetly on the other side of the door. Her demeanor tugs at my heart -- helping to clear the traces of sadness I occasionally feel.
“Come in, Baby.” I reply. She slowly opens the door with one hand over both of her eyes and a big grin on her face. I giggle at the sight.
“Can I look now?” she asks. She loves surprises, just as I do, so I know she doesn’t want to spoil anything for herself.
“Yep, you sure c
an. Come sit on my lap.” I say.
I sit down on the bed and prepare for the weight of her small body. She is a healthy-sized child. She has never been weak or fragile in stature and is perfectly proportioned. I think about how someday she will be as tall as me in middle school. Won’t she? I hold her close and take in her sweet shampoo smell. She is my anchor, my beacon, the one consistent thing that grounds me into whatever life I may be living at the time.
When we arrive the restaurant is chaotic, with another party in progress. I ask Joe to order the pizzas and drinks and I head to a private room in the back to set up the cake and party decorations. Olivia has already run off to play in the recreation room until our guests arrive.
I’m grateful for the busyness here, as it forces me to put on a happy face and distracts me from the reality that is now my life.
I’m putting out the cake plates when I look up through the partition window to watch Joe waiting at the counter. I take a second look when I notice a younger woman approaching him. I can only see her from the back, but he gets a big smile on his face and hugs her when he notices her there. I feel more curiosity than jealousy when I see that boyish grin sweep his face. He looks a little nervous, but very happy as he engages in conversation with her.
Joe points in my direction and the woman turns around to look. I’m caught looking at them, so I wave with a smile. I still can’t see her face clearly, due to the glare from the windows behind them. Joe signals for me to come over.
I put the plates down and quickly cross the restaurant towards him. As I get closer I almost stop in my tracks. Instead I get a grip on myself and slow my steps as I figure out how to act when I approach her. It’s Rachel, Joe’s future wife.