Authors: EJ Valson,Michelle Read
The night crawls by like molasses. I’m restless, but emotionally exhausted. After quietly crying in the car all the way home, I manage to pull it together to avoid worrying Olivia, who slept through the ordeal.
After feeding her dinner, bathing her and putting her to bed, I sit quietly in the living room and try to release all of the tension and fear by telling myself it is all going to be OK. Stacy sent me a text message earlier asking how I was, but I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I simply wrote back,
“Fine,”
and left it at that. I’m almost crawling out of my skin with the feeling of helplessness. He was just here….and now he is gone.
Tomorrow I will go to work, and the desk he normally sits at will be empty. The space that he fills will be a void. I will be a void. All of these emotions are almost making me physically ill, partly because they are uncomfortably familiar.
It’s like hearing a song you know, but not remembering the words. I’m feeling frustrated by the desire to sing along, but afraid of singing the wrong lyrics.
I’m
still lying wide awake in bed after midnight when I hear my phone buzz and see it light up on the nightstand. I quickly grab it to avoid waking Olivia, who begged to sleep with me tonight. I don’t mind, since I was feeling lonely.
I’m elated when I see I have a message from Michael.
“
Layover in Chicago. I hope you are OK.”
I feel a rush of adrenaline race through my fingers as I try to type.
“I miss you already.”
A few minutes pass until my phone buzzes with another text. “
Me too. Did you find the gift I left you in your bag?”
he writes.
I’m confused by his question. The only thing he gave me was the note at the shuttle stop. I lean over to my duffle bag that remains on the floor unpacked. I use my cellphone to illuminate the inside of the bag while I dig through dirty clothes and toiletries. I don’t find anything in the main compartment, so I check the side pocket.
My hands are hurriedly fumbling at the pocket when I feel something hard inside. It is cold, thin and sleek. I pull it out and realize it is his MP3 player. My heart flutters as I power it on. I scroll through the menu’s, excited to have all of this music at my fingertips -- most of it music that we both like. I come across the playlists. “
For Jenni,”
one reads.
My phone buzzes again. “
Hello….?”
reads his text. I realize he has probably wondered why I haven’t responded.
“
Sorry, I just found it. Thank you!”
I write back quickly.
A minute later my phone buzzes again. “
Look at the back,”
he writes.
I turn it over and see there is an inscription in the metal piece, but it is in Swedish.
“Ödet leder den villige och släpar den motvillige.”
I can’t even pronounce half of the words in the engraving, let alone understand them.
“
What does it mean?”
I write back.
Another text pops up.
“
Fate leads the willing and drags the unwilling,”
he writes.
Yes it does.
The following week moves at a snail’s pace. I’m doing my best not to appear depressed or agitated but it has been challenging. On Wednesday night I leave Joe at the house to have his dinner date with Olivia and I head to Astrid’s.
I need her guidance on what to do next. For the first half an hour we talk about Michael leaving. She tells me the images she saw of him going. She is spot on. She asks about him proclaiming something to me. I hand her the letter.
When she is finished reading, she looks at me sadly and a tear runs down her cheek. “I have read a lot of love stories in my time, but never been close to one so real. I’m sorry he is gone,” she says sympathetically.
She reaches down beside her foot and grabs a roll of yarn fr
om a basket and begins to knit. “Sorry,” she explains. “I do this when I need to calm myself down. I can’t fix anything for you right now and that frustrates me.”
“I know,” I say. I reach over and softly touch the soft
, purple yarn. “What are you making?” I ask.
“Oh, just a scarf. I make booties and hats, too. Let me show you,” she says, getting up off the couch.
I follow her to her spare room, which is full of boxes of books and a desk with more yarn and knitting tools piled on top of it. She reaches into a box and starts pulling out bundles of finished scarves and hats.
I laugh.
“Wow, Astrid, there are tons of things here,” I say.
“I made all of this since I met you. I actually hadn’t knitted in years until you came along,” she says with a chuckle. I look at her, surprised. “Well, you have been a bit of a frustrating client,” she jokes.
I understand what she means. She hasn’t been able to offer me any solutions. Her nature is to help people, to guide them. And without being able to clearly see much about me, she’s felt agitated. Apparently very much so, according to the twenty plus scarves and handful of hats.
“I’m sorry.” I say.
“How is this your fault, Dear? It’s not like you did this.
You
are going through this.
I
am just the lousy psychic,” she says, laughing.
We both laugh. I feel safe here -- sheltered and understood.
Her phone rings, startling us out of our pity party. “It’s John!” Astrid exclaims and runs from the room. I quickly follow her into the kitchen, where she picks up the phone.
“Hi, John?” she says urgently. She listens, but looks at me in a way that confirms it is him. For some reason my heart is pounding quickly. Every call from him matters. Every bit of news is an offering of hope.
A possibility of an answer. “OK. Uh, huh. OK….and where is this?” she asks him. I stand still trying to listen in on what he is saying, but my heart is thumping so loudly I hear it and almost nothing else. “OK, sounds good. Talk to you then,” she says, hanging up. I stare at her, eager to hear the details.
“He is coming back next month. And he thinks he has the answer,” she says.
CHAPTER 72
The weekend finally approaches and it is my turn to take Olivia. I am grateful for this, as we will be able to relax and I won’t be under any pressure to put on a happy face for anyone. I have received one email from Michael since his return to Sweden. He wanted to thank me again for spending time with him and assure me that he wants to stay in contact.
Sadly, these are not the words I want to hear. I want him to say that he wants to be with me, that he wants to come back. I want to hear more of what he wrote in his letter. Every bone in my body resists the current situation. It feels unnatural and I’m restless as a result.
On Saturday afternoon I decide to take Olivia to the movies. I figure a couple hours of confining myself in a room with entertainment, where I have to shut off my cell phone and have no access to internet, is a good thing and the best way to avoid feeling disappointed from his lack of contact.
When the movie is over, we pick up dinner to eat at home. Olivia is the perfect distraction from my blue mood. She is smiley and happy and showering me with affection, which is difficult not to relish in.
After dinner Olivia wants to play outside. When she brings out the big pink ball that Michael gave her, my heart sinks, but I shake it off. The sun is setting in the west, so I know it is preparing to rise in the east….where Michael is.
I imagine him asleep somewhere -- dreaming, unaware of me and my sadness over his absence. I see him, eyes closed, shirt off, sleeping on his stomach, his strong arms peeking out from beneath the sheets. Light freckles gracing the tops of his shoulders. Morning light sweeping across his face. I wonder what he will do when he wakes up. Where he will go, who he will be with. Will he think of me?
Olivia kicks the ball back and forth with me while
I’m distracted by my thoughts. She doesn’t seem to notice. After a half an hour, I take her in and bathe her. At 8:00 p.m. she passes out on the couch while watching cartoons. I carefully carry her to her room and tuck her into bed.
The house is quiet, the night is still. I take a blanket from the couch and sit outside and watch the sun fade away. I find it strange how fast life goes by. How a moment is literally a flash in time. It was only one week ago that I was with Michael. We were enjoying ourselves on a night just like this one. Having our first kiss. And tonight he feels farther away than ever before.
When stars start to appear in the night sky I decide to head inside and get ready for an early bedtime. What’s the point of staying up and exhausting myself further with this mental and emotional anguish anyway?
After locking up the house, I quietly make my way to the bathroom. I hear a soft clicking sound and realize I have left my laptop on, so I head over to the table to shut it off. The screen has gone to sleep after being dormant for so many hours. I hit the spacebar to awaken it.
I’m surprised when I see a flashing window minimized on the taskbar. I open my instant messenger program and almost yell with excitement. Michael wrote me a message sometime while we were away at the movies.
“
Hey? You there?”
he wrote. Then about ten minutes pass until the next message. “
Well, you must be gone. I just wanted to say hello. Maybe we can talk tomorrow. Bye”.
I deflate. I can’t believe I missed this message. WHY??? I’m frustrated with myself for not checking this earlier. But by the time we got home, it would have been 2:00 a.m. his time anyway. I decide I better write back so he knows I received his message.
“
Hi there. I am so sorry I missed this. I was at the movies and didn’t check my computer until now,”
I write.
“I’ll be around tomorrow. Maybe we can talk then. Bye”.
I sigh and prepare to shut the computer down when I hear the incoming message chime
. Michael has responded. “
Wait!”
he writes.
I quickly grab the laptop and move to the couch so I can sit down and talk to him. “
Hi! I am here!”
I write, then wait to see the messenger indicate that he is writing back.
“
Hello there. What are you up to?”
he says.
“
I was going to bed, but I think I can stay up for a bit,”
I respond.
For the next two hours we talk over instant messenger. I sit, smiling, with my tired eyes burning, but unwilling to sleep. He explains that he still hasn’t turned his hours around and is not sleeping well and that is why he was up so early. We talk about him arriving back home and how nice it was to see his friends and family. He asks me how work is, how Olivia is doing, and most importantly, when we will see each other again. I pray it will be soon, but logistically, I cannot see how.
Even though we are not in the same town, time zone or continent, I
’ll take what I can get. He is still here in his own way. Reaching out to me, wanting to spend time with me. I’m hopeful this is a good sign that there will be something more to come from this.
C
HAPTER 73
June comes quickly and work has been busy with preparations for an important tradeshow in England.
I’m a bit sad because everyone from Marketing is going but me. I will be left alone in a quiet office, constantly reminded of the void in my life.
On the bright side, Michael and I have been chatting about three times a week. Occasionally he will message me while I’m at work, but with the time difference, and him having to finish school and starting a new job for the summer, it’s been hard to talk. Though we don’t get too deep into emotional discussions, we tease each other about what we would do if we were able to hang out together.
He tells me about places he would take me in the city he lives in. The friends he would introduce me too. He talks about Seattle, and how he wishes we had more time there. He promises that if he comes back, we will go there together again. Right now all this talk is wishful thinking, but
I’m hopeful it will fruition into reality.
Joe and I have finally gotten into a rhythm with Olivia and her schedule. We are getting along well and I see a bounce in his step when we cross paths. I assume it has to do with a new found love interest, but I don’t pry, even though the curiosity is killing me to know if it is that Sara girl.
Astrid heard from John, who is preparing for his journey home. I don’t know the details, but his travels involve a bus, a train and then a short flight back to Washington. It could take some time. He has also revealed that he is bringing back some supplies and doing his best not to get held up in Customs. This peaks my curiosity, but is the least of my worries right now.
For now the biggest weight upon my shoulders is the time that I feel
I’m losing and the progress that isn’t being made. Every day I pray that Michael will not forget me. That he will not decide I’m a lost cause and a path not worth travelling.
The odds of a guy his age, with his whole future and world of opportunity at his feet, leaving all of that to come to this small town and be with a divorced single mom are pretty unlikely. Though I have to remind myself, he did take the chance before -- didn’t he?
I worry that the outcome won’t be the same. I’m certain that before he left in my other life, we actually solidified our relationship and decided to try the long distance thing. But this time, he left without us deciding on
anything
. How will I bridge the gap before he gets bored and puts me in the “friend” zone?
In the meantime, I cherish the moments I have with him through our instant message chats and occupy my time with Olivia and Stacy, when she isn’t busy smooching all over Lewis. They are practically living together now and it has been hard to get any friend time with her. But she is happy and I am happy for her.
On Friday afternoon, Steve comes out of his office after having a closed door meeting with Roger and Jane. He looks stressed and heads immediately to the Operations department. Seconds later I hear a door close from down the hall.
Uh, oh,
I think to myself.
Jane and Roger walk back to their desks and quietly sit down, not saying a word. From the awkward glances they give each other, I take it the meeting went sour. I open my instant messenger and message Stacy, who is in her office.
“
Hey, did you see that?”
I ask.
“
Yeah. I could hear their voices and the tone sounded negative,”
she types.
A few minutes later Steve walks back into the office and tells Jane and Roger they can go to Human Resources if their letters are ready. They quickly get out of their seats, grab pieces of paper from their desks and leave the area.
I sit in shock over what is taking place. All I can gather is there has been some sort of discrepancy or issue and they are in trouble.
“Stacy, Jenni, can I speak with you both in my office, please?” Steve asks, before going back to his office.
My heart starts to race. What if we are being laid off? How the hell will I manage without this job? I am doing my best to stop myself from panicking. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. I’m scared. I follow Stacy into Steve’s office and sit down next to her. Steve is seated at his desk, across from us. I’m trying my best to keep calm and not show my concern.
“Jane and Roger have just given notice,” Steve says. Stacy and I look at each other in shock. “They have accepted positions at a competing company and they are leaving effective immediately. However, this leaves us in a bit of a jam,” he explains. “We won’t have time to train anyone else before our show in England. Stacy, you are already going, but we need two more bodies to help staff the booth,” he continues. He then looks directly at me.
“Jenni, I know it is short notice, but would you be willing to come to England for a week?” he asks.
My heart starts to race with excitement. I have to stop myself from shouting with joy, like some game show contestant who just won a big prize.
“Yes, absolutely,” I say, straining to keep my composure.
“But that only covers one person. I don’t think there is anyone else here that has the knowledge or is personable enough to fit our needs. Stacy, do you have any recommendations?” he asks her.
Stacy thinks for a minute. I can see the wheels turning in her methodical mind.
“How about Michael?” she suggests.
I look at her, surprised. Why would she suggest him? He doesn’t work here anymore. I look at Steve, whose facial expression tells me he is considering this. After all, it would be cheaper to send Michael from Sweden to England than fly another person from the US over. Plus, he now has all the product knowledge required and is good with people in the booth.
“I think that might work. Stacy, will you try to contact him and see if he is interested?” he asks her.
I politely interrupt. “Oh, I can do that. We still keep in touch, so I’m happy to do it,” I say, looking to both of them for approval.
Steve gets a slight smirk on his face. I know this face. He can tell that I like Michael. I try to contain my eagerness and conceal any feelings for Michael that I may have just made known.
“OK, feel free to,” Steve replies, smiling knowingly.
I get up from the chair to rush back to my desk and contact Michael.
“Say hello for us,” Stacy teases, as I exit. I try to fight my guilty smile, but I can’t. They are on to me. Luckily, they don’t care. We have no rule against dating within the company, and besides, they are my friends and they want me to be happy.
I hurry to my desk and open my instant messenger. Michael’s status is set to
Away
. I am hoping he is there. “
Hello, you there?”
I write. I’m tapping my foot, waiting impatiently for him to reply.
While I’m waiting, Stacy comes in and talks to me about getting a passport – as I am pretty sure I don’t have one. She tells me which flights to book for myself, and how to change her room to a double so we can share. I comply and write it all down, while my nerves jitter through my body. I’m praying Michael will respond soon and will be able to come to England.
“Come on,” I whisper to my computer screen. To keep myself busy, I look up flights between his airport in Sweden and the airport in England. I want to be ready to book his tickets. Fifteen minutes later, Michael finally responds. I quickly relay the invitation and misspell several words in the process of typing my message, thus causing confusion.
After a few minutes of Michael trying to determine his work schedule and worrying if his new boss will allow it, he decides it will be worth it, because in his words, “
It’s worth getting the chance to see you again.”
His message brings a smile to my face and hope to my soul. England or bust!