When I woke, he was gone.
He had climbed from my balcony and somehow survived the fall. To this day, I don’t know how.
My eyes fill with tears now at the memory. The thought that he is confined to the cave, a self-imposed exile, is tearing me apart. Adrian comes out from time to time but there is no news. Luca hasn’t had another episode, but he wants to be cautious and wait longer. I want to see him, but he refuses.
And I feel like a shell of myself. I know I need sleep, that I will feel better if I do. Yet whenever I try, all I see are Luca’s tortured dark eyes and I can’t.
I push the mountain of research on undefined psychological disorders to the side and stand up, stretching. I haven’t even showered today. I’ve been up since the crack of dawn, sifting through page after page of research reports. I have a crick in my lower back, so I stand in the shower for quite a while, allowing the hot water to work out the muscle cramps. Finally, I step from the shower, into the steam-filled bathroom and towel off. I pull on jeans and a soft shirt, and towel-dry my hair.
Instead of taking my daily walk through the maze to beg information from Adrian, I decide to walk along the beach instead. The beauty of the sea will do me good.
I slip my shoes from my feet and allow my toes to sink in the sand as I absorb the morning’s beauty. Sea gulls scream overhead and the foam lip of the water slides toward me and then away, over and over in a rhythmic cadence that soothes me. I am staring at the horizon absently as I walk back toward the house when I hear my name.
I look up to find Adrian walking toward me. He is freshly showered and in clean clothing and most importantly, he has emerged from the cave. That can only mean one thing: That Luca has too. Adrian wouldn’t leave him there.
I run toward him, drawing to a stop when I reach him.
“He’s out?” I ask breathlessly.
“Yes,” Adrian nods. “He never had an episode and so he finally decided it was safe to return to the house. For now, anyway. But we’ll need to keep a close eye. He says he doesn’t feel like himself, that he hasn’t for weeks. I don’t know what to make of it.”
I see the pain on Adrian’s face now, something that I haven’t noticed before because I was so immersed in my own.
“This must be hard for you,” I observe, reaching out to touch his arm. “You love him, too.”
Adrian nods. “He’s like my brother,” he answers. “I don’t know what to do for him.”
“I don’t either,” I admit. “And it’s killing me.”
He looks at me now, really examines me, and he looks surprised.
“Eva, you look horrible. You’ve got to get some rest. You can’t help him if you run yourself into the ground.”
He is stern now, so unlike Adrian. Adrian is always laughing, always easy-going and relaxed. But not today. “You need to go take a nap. And get something to eat. You look like you’ve lost weight and you didn’t have it to lose in the first place.”
I nod. I know that. I’m not taking good care of myself. I know.
Adrian starts to say something, then closes his mouth. I lean closer.
“What is it?” I ask. He shakes his head, not wanting to say. “Adrian, please.”
He looks at me thoughtfully, then relents. “Eva, Luca doesn’t want to see you because he knows he is dangerous for you. He’s right. He doesn’t want something to happen to you and neither do I. You really should go. For your own good.”
He’s pained now and I’m speechless. I can’t go. Adrian has no idea what Luca means to me. And I know that Luca feels the same about me. He hasn’t said the words, but I have seen it on his face. I have felt it in the air between us.
“I can’t,” I whisper. Adrian nods wordlessly.
“Adrian,” I say quietly. “When I was with Melina a couple of weeks ago, she begged me to help her ‘end it all’. She thinks that the Minaldi line should end with her and her sons. She is insistent. I tell you this because I know that she will try to end it if she can. She will continue to try.”
He nods. “I know.”
There is a pregnant pause and then he continues.
“She’s right, though, Eva. The line should end with them. It really should. This horrible thing has been going on for generations. It is time for it to end.”
A lump forms in my throat. “Surely you mean that Luca and his brothers should remain childless and allow the family name to die out. Surely you don’t mean….”
My voice trails off. I can’t say the words. I can’t say,
Surely you don’t mean they should die.
My tongue refuses to form the words.
“Of course,” Adrian agrees. “Of course that’s what I meant.”
But from his tone, from his face, I can tell that it wasn’t what he meant at all. Luca is getting to him, years of watching his friend deteriorate. Or perhaps it is from years of being around Melina. But whatever it is, whatever he means, Adrian is finished talking about it and has turned toward the house. I struggle to keep up, one step of his for every three of mine.
I grab at his elbow. “Adrian, stop.”
He slows and turns to me.
“Adrian, I have to help him. I’m desperate to help him.”
I can hear the desperation in my voice and I know he can too. His eyes soften as he stares into mine.
“Sweet Eve,” he murmurs and tucks a stray piece of my hair behind my ear. “I hate to see you so upset. Please, listen to me. You can’t help. You can’t. And I don’t want you to get hurt. You’re far too precious.”
And to my shock and horror, he bends and kisses my lips. I don’t kiss him back and as soon as I regain my senses, I push him away.
“Adrian!” I snap. “What the hell are you doing?”
He is apologetic now, chagrined.
“I’m sorry, Eve. I haven’t had much sleep either. That was out of line. I’m so sorry.”
I stare at him for a moment and then accept his apology. Of all people, I know what it is like to be sleep deprived. I’ve been a walking zombie for two weeks.
“It’s okay,” I assure him. “Just don’t do it again.”
He nods and I turn and as I do, I see Luca standing on his bedroom balcony. From his stricken face, I know that he saw the entire thing. And before I can lift a hand or shout to him, he turns his back and walks back into the house.
Chapter Thirty
I make it to Luca’s bedroom in record time, practically running over anything that stands in my way.
“Luca!” I cry out as I burst into his rooms.
He is standing at the windows, beautiful and slender and refined. The breath catches in my throat as I realize just how much I missed him, just how beautiful I had forgotten that he is. Power exudes from him, power and beauty. He’s wearing black slacks and a blue pull-over that hugs his chest perfectly. He turns to look at me.
“Luca,” I whisper. “It wasn’t what it looked like. I didn’t kiss Adrian. I don’t
want
to kiss Adrian. I only want you.”
Luca stares at me thoughtfully, quietly. And he nods.
“I know,” he says simply.
I rush across the room and throw myself into his arms.
“Please don’t do this again,” I tell him helplessly. “Ever. You can’t lock yourself away like that. I missed you so much. I was so worried and there wasn’t anything I could do. Adrian wouldn’t let me see you.”
Luca’s strong arms finally close around me, as though he tried to resist but couldn’t. He pulls me to him and I bury my face against the softness of his shirt, inhaling his smell. I am crying and didn’t realize it. I really am an emotional wreck and I know that I need to pull it together.
I clutch him to me and he pulls away. But I won’t let him. He has kept himself from me for two weeks. He isn’t going to pull away from me now. I won’t allow it.
Finally he acquiesces and I feel the moment he gives in, as he clutches me to him as well. He inhales my hair and buries his face in my neck and I sigh.
“Please don’t do this again,” I beg him. “I can’t stand it.”
I feel weak and helpless, but this situation has been so emotionally charged that it has taken a toll. It would take a toll on anyone.
Luca doesn’t say anything, he just lifts me into his arms and carries me to his bed. His lips are on mine and his body is wrapped around me.
Words cease to matter.
Luca kisses every part of my body, every plane, every curve. His lips are soft, his breath warm as he moves from place to place on my body. He even kisses my fingertips and by the time he is done kissing me, he is hard against me and I am breathless.
“Please,” I say quietly, into his ear as I lean up against him. “Please, Luca.”
I need him to fill me, to convince me that everything will be alright, that he will never leave me again and that we will figure out what is wrong with him. That we will fix it. That we will have a future. In my head, which is clouded by unreasonable thoughts, making love with him will convince me. It’s what I need.
Luca knows that and he gives it to me. Slowly, gently, lovingly.
He loves every part of my body, worshipping my arms and my legs and my lips. He looks into my eyes as he enters me slowly, filling me with everything that he is. I am crying now, crying from the satisfaction that I am with him again. He kisses my tears away and moves faster, pulling me to his chest and rocking with me. I clutch his back and whisper into his ear, whisper words that I don’t even know I am saying.
It is an emotional experience and I am limp when it is over, after he arches against me and shudders; after he empties everything that he has into me. He is hot and throbbing, then he lays against me, careful not to crush me.
“I love you,” I tell him softly against his strong shoulder.
He is silent, but I feel his muscles tighten.
“I know you love me too,” I tell him. “I know you do. Whether or not you feel that you should doesn’t matter. Because I know that you do.”
Luca rolls to the side and looks at me, his dark hair damp on his forehead, his eyes stormy and troubled.
“I love you,” he tells me, as though he is admitting a secret. “Of course I love you, Evangeline. How can I not?”
But he turns away now, hiding his expression from me. I touch his shoulder.
“What is it?”
And he doesn’t answer and his silence is frightening. An ominous feeling shudders through me, laying heavily on my heart and I shake his shoulder again.
“Luca, you’re scaring me. What is it? What’s wrong?”
He sits up, pulling his shirt back over his head, not looking at me. He gets up to find his pants and he puts them back on before he says anything. But finally, when my heart is firmly lodged in my throat, he speaks.
“I can’t be with you anymore,” he tells me. His voice is flat and expressionless and I know he is purposely trying to distance himself. It’s why he’s not looking at me. I turn his chin toward me, trying to force him to look at me.
“Look at me,” I insist. “Luca!”
My voice is something that I have never heard. It is desperate and anxious and sad.
Scared, terrified, alone.
“Please, Luca. You’re not making sense. I’m an adult. You can’t make these decisions for me, for the both of us. You can’t protect me. I will protect myself. I will help you, Luca. Everything will be alright. I promise.”
But my voice is thin, as though I’m trying to convince myself too, because I am. He knows that and he looks at me sadly, his hands limp in his lap.
“Eva, you deserve someone like Adrian. Someone with no secrets or darkness. Someone who can make you laugh like there’s nothing wrong in the world; because in your world with him, there won’t be. Please. You deserve a normal life. And you won’t get that from me. While you are with me, you are going against everything you’ve been trained to do as a doctor. You should have turned me in to the authorities, but you didn’t. I can’t put you in this position anymore. I won’t do it.”
I am clutching him, trying to make him listen to me, to reason. But he won’t. He is stoic now, hard. His face grows impassive, once more the Luca Minaldi that I used to see before I grew to know him. The softness and sadness are gone, replaced by power and authority. He is unwavering and he won’t listen to me.
He touches my shoulder and leans in to murmur in my ear.
“I love you, Eva. I do. Please do this for me. Please have a happy and glorious life. It will make me happy. I’ll send Adrian to retrieve your bags and take you to your cottage. You’ll be safe there now that you know that the danger is me.”
“No, Luca!” I clutch at him but he pulls away and walks out and there isn’t anything I can do but watch him through my watery eyes.
He’s gone. And it feels like he took my heart with him.
I sit still for a while, soaking in his scent from the room around me, absorbing him as much as I can. I look at the walls, at the priceless pieces of art that I know he chose himself. At the silver cufflinks that I have seen him wear a hundred times. They are laying on his heavy mahogany desk. A pair of soft leather loafers peek from under the desk. Bits of him are scattered throughout this room and I try to memorize every bit of it before I finally get up and leave, turning only once to look behind me before I close the door.
I make it to my room before I fall to pieces. I collapse onto my bed and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I don’t have any more tears left, and my eyes are red and hot and burning. I picture Luca here, in this room with me. I remember him smiling over me, his smile white against the dark shadows of his eyes. I remember him laughing as we rolled in the bed, twisted in the sheets.
I remember him squeezing my throat. I remember his eyes as he looked into mine. I remember the look on his face when I found him in the stables, so shattered and alone. And I don’t want to leave him here. He’ll be alone, with no one close to him but Adrian.
But I have no choice. As I sit up and wipe at my eyes, I know that I have no choice. He has decided and I will not be able to change his mind. It’s done.