Of Hustle and Heart (25 page)

“Leave.”

Antonio steps in, grabbing my arm, pulling me away from Shannon.

“Your timing sucks, kid. This ain’t the place for this,” he tells Shannon. He looks into my eyes. “He’s leaving,” he says, kissing me on the forehead. I wrap my arms around him. He beckons toward the elevator, signaling Shannon to leave.

Shannon hesitates but not for long. He knows he’ll never get past Antonio.

My letter to Rachel is my life in the last four months poured out on purple stationery. Purple’s her favorite color. She wore a lot of it. Most of the things she’s ever given to anyone were been some shade of purple. We graduated this past Sunday, and as I sit at the kitchen table at my mama’s house, dressed for Rachel’s funeral and numb to the touch, I confess everything I’d been too stupid or scared to say. I’m now friends with the monsters that haunt me. And I control the voices too. The letter’s not that long—two pages front and back. Shannon and I had written way longer. But the letter doesn’t have to be long. Good-byes shouldn’t be long. They should be honest. Quick. I start off with the God-honest truth.

Rocky, I love you. Forever. To me you can never die. I am you, and you are me. This is hard. I missed you at graduation. It feels like Blanca and I will never stop crying over you. But still we are together forever. The three of us. Royals…

The confession of my rape takes top priority in my letter, as I confess how excited I’d been to be anywhere with a guy like Zack, how crazy it drove me when he touched me. How I thought, I mean, I really thought I could have sex with him. Then came the moment I realized that I couldn’t, because I didn’t want him to be my first. I tell her he held me down, forced his too-big penis inside me, and how hard it was not to scream. I was afraid to scream. Anyhow, I beg her to forgive me for not telling her sooner.

As I write, a well of tears drips onto the purple paper. I tell her about how hustling by myself has become an escape and how confusing Shannon’s up-and-down confessions of love—or whatever it is—are to me.

Then suddenly I fall into talking about Tony—what I did with him and how sex with him was nothing like sex with Zack. I am better because of him, I think. By the time I’m done with my letter, my family is ready to leave.

“Another funeral in less than three months,” Andrew says to my mama as we walk down the cracked driveway.

She looks at him. “Go get in the car,” she says.

More than half of Albert Chesney’s graduating class has showed up, everyone wearing some sign of purple: a flower, a tie, a bow, or a shirt. Anywhere you look, there is a stream of purple. When Shannon arrives, he stays close to Bradley and Robert, who sandwich me and Blanca as we stand alongside Rachel’s open grave. Once the graveside service is officially over, I wait for my chance to give Rocky my letter. I walk up to her plot, digging around inside my purse for it, while everyone talks solemnly among themselves. I dig in my purse and panic when I realize I’ve lost Rocky’s good-bye letter. I tear my purse inside out looking for it, sobbing when I can’t find it.

“What’s the matter?” Antonio asks as he walks up from behind me. Since Rachel’s death, he calls every night. He spends hours on the phone with me, talking me through all this.

“I can’t find my letter,” I blurt out. “I wrote Rachel a letter. I was going to throw it in.” I gesture toward her grave. He looks at me solemnly. Losing the letter feels like I’m losing her again. “I think I dropped it. I don’t want anyone to see.” I look at him purposely. He raises his eyebrows.

“About…you and me?”

I nod.

He breathes deeply. “Don’t worry. The chances of someone reading it—”

Then I see the purple paper from the corner of my eye. Someone stoops to pick it up, but I can’t see who it is.

“There it is!” I grab Tony’s arm and duck around him in an effort to see who has found my letter. Leidys! My heart catches in my throat as she stares at the paper. As Leidy’s begins to open it, Blanca appears next to her and grabs her hand.

“Is that your letter?” Tony whispers.

I’m stunned. “Yes.”

The two of us watch as Blanca peers at the purple paper. I can tell she recognizes something in the letter, probably my handwriting. She takes it from Leidys and reads.

“I guess I won’t have to explain anything to anyone,” he says. “Cat’s out of the bag.”

“She hasn’t gotten to the part about us yet,” I mutter, my heart sinking fast. I’m frozen in place, what’s left of my pride draining away like the color in Bee’s face. No, that letter is for Rachel. None of the things I wrote were meant for anyone else. I don’t want Bee or Leidys reading it. I don’t care what they find out by reading it. The point is, they shouldn’t be. As I walk over to retrieve Rocky’s letter, Blanca stops reading. She looks up and glances around the cemetery. Her eyes are huge as she searches for me. She sees me walking toward her and holds the letter out. I can see the questions in her eyes.

“What part is she on?” Tony asks. He walks up from behind me. I swallow hard, realizing how difficult it is to say out loud.

“I don’t know, Tony. Maybe it’s time I write you a letter,” I say as Blanca folds the note in half and hurries toward me and Tony.

“I want more than a letter from you, Zina. No more secrets.”

“Shhhh. Blanca will hear you.”

“Good,” he says. “Maybe she should.”

Absolution of the Heart

Book II available 2017