Authors: Jess Dee
“You’re deluding yourself, Cowley.”
“Nope, sweetness, for the first time in months I’m beginning to see my life clearly. And I have you to thank for it.”
“Save your gratitude. I suspect that by the end of the evening, thankful is the last thing you’ll be feeling towards me.”
With that, Melissa stalked out of her office. Fearing Ben might throw her over his shoulder once again, she made sure to let him walk at her side the rest of the way. She pasted a serene, professional smile on her face, and the two of them left the building.
Chapter Nine
He led her through the streets, down along several blocks. Melissa walked in silence, refusing to say a word. He’d gotten her to join him by force; no way would she make this easy for him.
Ben reached over and took her hand, twining his fingers through hers.
She let him, refusing to make a scene on the footpath, but made no effort to tighten her grasp. She left her fingers limp in his and pretended his touch didn’t make her burn. Pretended the way his thumb stroked over hers didn’t send shivers up her arm.
Pretended she wasn’t at all affected when he raised her hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss to it. She pretended he wasn’t there at all.
Pretty impossible to do when she was acutely aware of his every breath, his every movement. Aware of his spicy aftershave that drifted into her path, and the heat he emitted that scorched her side.
“It’s funny,” he said, as he drew his mouth away from her hand. “Until you mentioned you bite your nails, I’d never have noticed.”
She pursed her lips and ignored him.
“But today, when you came into my office, took my balls in your hand and my dick in your mouth, I thanked God you bite them. Long nails in those circumstances? Not a good thing.”
Don’t respond. Don’t respond. Don’t gasp. Don’t blush. Don’t whimper.
“I can still feel it, you know?” He leaned his head in close to hers. “Your warm fingers around my scrotum and your hot, wet mouth around my cock.” His voice became hoarse. “Hell, sweetness, I’ve been reliving it the whole afternoon.”
She swallowed hard. Damn him. And damn her traitorous body that shivered as he spoke.
She should never have been so reckless. Never have gone down on him at work in the middle of the day. She just hadn’t been able to stop herself. Just like she wasn’t able to stop herself now as she let her fingers curl around his and let his touch warm her chilled hand.
He led her into a tiny restaurant and requested a small table at the back of the dim room. Not once did he release her hand. He kept it clutched in his, his thumb stroking over hers.
When Ben asked what she wanted to eat, she shrugged. “I’m not hungry.”
Then she sat in surprised silence as he proceeded to order her favorite dishes. Linguine in a red wine and cream sauce, Italian salad with extra cheese and olives on the side, baked mushrooms with parmesan to start and raspberry sorbet for desert. He ordered double of everything except the pasta, replacing it with veal Marsala for himself. And then he asked for a bottle of Chardonnay and two mineral waters.
When the waiter walked away, she stared at him. “Th-that’s exactly what I would have ordered. How did you know?” She couldn’t help but think of the mango and passion fruit yogurt he’d provided for her at lunch last week. And this week.
He shrugged. “We’ve shared enough business dinners with clients. I know what you like.”
“You took note of what I ordered?”
He nodded. “Apparently.”
“I thought you’d never noticed me before now.”
“That’s an outrageous statement,” he scoffed. “I said it before. You’re the finest investment banker I’ve ever seen. I’ve always been aware of you, always watched you, always learned from you.”
He paused while the waiter brought their drinks, then took a sip of wine. “I just never knew before now that you had the ability to drive me into a frenzied sexual lather. Or that beneath your stern professional veneer is a beautiful and appealing woman who managed to capture my heart.”
His words made her head whirl. He thought all of that about her?
“Let me in, Mel. Give me a chance.”
She bit her lip. “I’ve let you in. I’ve let you closer than any other man in a very long time.”
“The sex is good. It’s freakishly good. And I’m…I’m stoked that you let me discover your sensual, sexy side. But it’s not enough. I want more from you, sweetness. I don’t just want the caramel kisses and wild orgasms. I want to understand the way you think, what drives you, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry. What failure hurt you so bad you’re determined to make partner at the cost of a personal life?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I know you don’t. But sometimes talking about the things that hurt us the most helps free us from that hurt.”
The waiter brought their mushrooms.
She didn’t take notice. Her attention was focused on a very sudden, very clear realization.
She owed Ben the truth. Owed him an explanation about why she had to pull away from him. Why she had to reject his love.
She squared her shoulders, fortifying her defenses. And when the waiter walked away, and Ben looked at her with his beautiful dark eyes and said, “Talk to me, please,” she knew she could put it off no longer.
Taking a very deep breath, she confessed in the softest voice, “I failed my HSC.”
Ben’s eyes widened. “Your final year at school?” His surprise echoed across the table.
It was the surprise that got her back up, made her defensive.
She nodded. “Yep. My final year in school. You know, the one you need to pass, and pass well, if you have any intention of going to uni?
That
year in school.” Humiliation overwhelmed her. She couldn’t look him in the face, couldn’t bear to see the pity and sympathy and shock that shone in his eyes. It was always the response she got. Always. And she hated it. Seeing it in Ben would be the ultimate in mortification.
Nevertheless, she could feel his gaze on her as he sat there, speechless.
“I failed every single subject. Every one.” Unlike her sisters, who’d all graduated with distinction and been accepted into whichever uni courses they’d applied for. She was the only major disappointment to her parents.
“What happened?” At least the question held no surprise. Or judgment. Ben’s voice rang with curiosity—and caring.
She inhaled shakily, reliving the crushing disappointment, remembering the way her world had collapsed around her.
She’d felt worthless and stupid, as though she’d been robbed of every last drop of joy, pride and dignity. And the worst part was, she’d had no one to blame but herself.
“I got involved with the wrong crowd. Decided smoking and drinking and ditching school were more fun than learning. Decided to enjoy my final year rather than throw my youth away on studying.”
“Was it an enjoyable year?”
The question surprised her. No one had ever asked her that. They’d all been too busy lecturing her about the error of her ways. “It was okay, I guess. I had fun.”
“You don’t sound convinced.”
“The fun memories are kind of eclipsed by the fallout afterward. By the consequences of my slacking off.” By the stark realization of what her careless, carefree attitude had wrought. She’d ruined her life.
She cut into a mushroom, stabbed a piece with her fork and shoved it into her mouth. It might have been delicious, but she couldn’t taste a thing. She ate the entire helping without tasting it.
Ben ate too, but more to humor her, she guessed, than because he was hungry.
“My parents warned me,” she told him. “They said over and over that my studies would suffer if I carried on the way I had been. I ignored them.” She tried to disassociate herself from the memories. Tried to repress the misery and devastation and hell she’d been through, hoping that if she relayed it to Ben in an expressionless voice, she wouldn’t feel the wealth of hurt and disappointment all over again.
It didn’t work. It hurt as much now as it had then. Embarrassed her as much. “Turns out they were right.” And Melissa never let herself forget that. Every time she let her guard down and found herself becoming too relaxed about her job or her life or her attitude in general, she reminded herself about her year twelve results.
“Mel?”
“Yeah?”
“How on earth did you become an investment banker if you failed your final year at school?”
Ben had a number of degrees, in finance and business and accounting. He knew, firsthand, what was required academically to reach the point she had in business.
“The long way. First, I changed schools and redid my HSC.” That had been the second-most humiliating experience of her life. Nothing could be worse than failing the year. “I passed the second time round, but not well enough to get into uni.” By that stage, Melissa’s determination had come to the forefront. The day she’d received her second round of HSC results, she’d decided she would never, ever allow herself the shame of failing again. She would not only succeed at whatever she undertook, she would be the best. She would get to the top of her game, and she would not make excuses. She’d made excuses not to work for a year, and look where that had gotten her.
Never again
.
“So instead of uni I went to TAFE and worked my butt off there. I completed a bridging course in finance at the technical school and then transferred to the University of New South Wales.”
He gave a low whistle. “Couldn’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t.” She swallowed down a massive lump in her throat. “It was…lonely. Horrible and lonely.” For a few seconds she struggled to speak, struggled to gain control of her emotions. Even now, so many years later, the isolation of that time surrounded her, making her keenly aware of just how miserable she’d been.
The sound of cutlery clanging against a dish echoed through her ears, and then Ben’s hand was on hers, holding it, supporting her.
Over the years, she’d become adept at protecting herself from the memories, at keeping the sadness at bay, but ever since she and Ben had started seeing each other, she’d found she couldn’t harness her emotions as well as she’d once been able to.
She couldn’t control her physical reaction to him, and it seemed her psychological barriers were crumbling as well. Her defenses were breaking down. Ben was getting through them.
“I lost all my friends in the process—which wasn’t a bad thing, considering the crowd I’d hung out with—but I struggled to make new friends at my new school.” She’d been too embarrassed by her results to put her heart into anything besides passing her HSC, which had led to a very isolated year. “TAFE was a lot friendlier, but by then I was so determined to do well in my studies, I didn’t give too much of my time to a social life. Until—“
Melissa snapped her mouth shut, stunned by what she’d been about to reveal.
“Until?” Ben’s voice was gentle.
She stared dismally at her plate.
“Sweetness, don’t pull back now. Please. Talk to me.”
Melissa shook her head.
“I’m beginning to understand. Beginning to get an idea of what’s made you into the person you are today. But I need more. I need to know everything that hurt you so I can help you past it.”
His thumb brushed over her hand, so softly Mel was astounded by the comfort she gleaned from the simple gesture.
She bit her lip and forced herself to look up and meet his gaze. “I fell in love.” She’d met Thomas and everything had changed. For a while she’d had it all. Her studies, romance and even a cartload of friends. Thomas’s mates had accepted her with open arms.
“And?” Ben pushed.
“And…I was happy. Happier than I’d been in forever. Thomas made me laugh. He made my world brighter, sexier. He gave me a reason to look forward to every day.”
“So what happened?”
“My life was rich again. Full. We were talking about moving in together, discussing forever, you know? It was all going perfectly—until one of my professors called me aside after a lecture and warned me that my results had dropped steadily over the last semester. He said if I didn’t buckle down and do some work, I’d fail his course.” She swallowed. “The worst thing was, I hadn’t even realized my work was suffering because of Thomas. I thought I’d managed to maintain my studies. But I was wrong.” She took a long sip of water. “I broke up with him that night.”
“There was no alternative? No other option?”
Melissa shook her head. “I’d made promises to myself, Ben. I’d vowed to succeed. And then, there I was, breaking all those promises.” The whole incident had been a double whammy for her. First she’d failed to have a social life and maintain her grades, and then she’d failed to sustain a relationship with a guy she’d really loved. “I didn’t have a choice. There was no way I could live through the humiliation again.” Ending the relationship had crushed her heart and her spirits, and changed her forever. She’d always remember the look on Thomas’s face as she’d spoken to him, always see the disappointment in his eyes. She’d forever know she’d failed him as a girlfriend.
From that day on, she’d understood she could never have it all. She could never have love, happiness and success. For her, the three did not go hand in hand.