On a Slippery Slope (9 page)

“What's the
NATT
?” the lady behind me asks, full of concern.

“It's the
news-anchor
-
throat-tickle
,” I answer.

“Ahhhhh,” everyone in line says in unison.

“Well you'd better get moving!” a guy at the end of the line says, looking at his watch. The news has already started.”

So, with $19.98 worth of cough drops in my bag, I run back across the street to the station. When I arrive on set, I see Ron, Sue, and
Mary-Lou
sitting behind the news anchors' desk. The guy from the lineup was right. I'm too late. They've already started. How much have I missed? Ron and Sue are chatting away about the price of gas and how it's going to affect our economy … boring stuff.
Mary-Lou
looks like she is in pain and isn't contributing a single thing to the conversation. Suddenly, a tiny squeak comes out of her, followed by a louder one, and another and another. She is trying so hard to hold it in, but her cheeks puff up with every squeak.

“Well, look at that! It's time for our first commercial break of the day,” Ron says flashing his
pearly-white
smile. “Don't go away; we'll be right back.”

The
ON AIR
sign goes off and Andy rushes over to me.

“Where have you been?”

“You didn't tell me what kind to get! Choosing cough drops is hard!” I say, holding out the bag. Andy reaches in, grabs a roll of
Honey-Lemon
Halls, unwraps one, and gives it to
Mary-Lou
.

“Water, please,”
Mary-Lou
squeaks as she pops the cough drop in her mouth.

I grab a bottle off of the table beside me and run it over to her.

“Oh, thanks, Hannah!” She grabs the bottle, unscrews the top, and takes a big swig. “You're the best and you even got my favourite cough drops!

“Oh, that reminds me of a joke!” I reply, taking a swig from my own water bottle.

“Can you tell it in a minute and
twenty-six
seconds?” Ron asks.

“Yeah, probably.”

“Go for it,” Sue says. “
Commercial-break
jokes are the best. It's kind of like a little contest for us to see who can stop laughing first.

“Okay, so a guy is walking by a cemetery, minding his own business, when a coffin suddenly bursts up from the ground and starts chasing him. The guy is so freaked out that he runs, screaming and yelling all the way home, slamming the door just in the nick of time. The coffin, not wanting to give up, starts banging on the door, harder and harder until the door starts splitting into pieces. ‘Help me someone, please!' the guy screams, thinking that he's done for. Suddenly, his wife comes tearing down the stairs with a roll of cough drops in her hand.

“‘Throw these at it,' she orders.

“‘Why?' he hollers.

“His wife answers, ‘Because cough drops always stop the coffin!'”

“Oh!” Ron taps his hands on the desk and says, “
ba-dum
-bump.”

“I don't get it.” Sue shakes her head.

“
Sue
… the cough drop stopped the coffin. It's a play on words; you know,
coffin
and
coughing
,”
Mary-Lou
explains.

“Oh …” Sue chuckles. “That's bad.”

Ron lets out a sudden snort, and then another, and then another. The three of them look at each other blankly for a second and then they burst into a fit of laughter. In seconds, Ron is doubled over, eyes watering. Just as he starts to regain control, he looks at Sue, who is bursting at the seams, and cracks up all over again.

Oh my gosh, this is bad! How are they going to pull it together before the commercial is over?

“Ten seconds to air, people!” Andy yells, pressing her palms downward in the air.

“Nine … eight …”

Mary-Lou
seems to have the most control until she looks over at Ron, who is actually getting worse, snorting uncontrollably with tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Seven … six … five …” Andy points at Synora from makeup and then points at Ron. Synora runs on set and dabs at Ron's face. This makes Sue laugh even harder.

What if they can'
t stop?
OMG
… this is my fault! Who would tell a joke during commercial break on a live TV? I am going to be so fired!

“Four …” Andy continues her countdown, silently using her fingers, three … two … one.

Instantly, as if by magic, everyone stops laughing. No one would ever guess that the anchors were in hysterics just two seconds earlier.

“Sue, so tell us about this new project you are working on,” Ron says.

“Ron, it's amazing. We're so excited to get started.”
Sue beams.
“It's all about getting kids off the couch, away from gaming, and out into the fresh air. We want to get kids excited about sports and getting fit. We want them to get crazy and try new things. We are calling it The
Getting-Fit
-
n-Crazy
Challenge.”

Ron nods. “Hmmm … interesting name.”

“Thanks, Ron!

“So,
Mary-Lou
,” Ron says, flashing his huge
anchorman-grin
at the camera, “can you fill us in on all the details?”

All eyes go to
Mary-Lou
, who has a look of panic on her face.

“
Mary-Lou
,” Sue says,
trying
to maintain her own perfect
on-air
smile, “Are you okay?”

Mary-Lou
starts furiously shaking her head, jabbing her finger at her throat. Her face is starting to turn blue, and there is this weird wheezing sound coming out of her.

“
Mary-Lou
!”
Sue shrieks.
“Ron! Do some-­thing!”

“Medic! We need a medic!” Ron yells. “She's choking!”

The cough drop! I made this happen. This is my fault! I have to save her!

I run up onto the set yelling, “
Call 911!
” Then I yank
Mary-Lou
up from her seat, wrap my arms around her waist from behind, tip her forward, and press my
balled-up
fist between her belly­button and her ribs. I quickly start thrusting my fist up into her diaphragm. Somehow the adrenaline in my body has given me
super-human
strength.
Mary-Lou
is in the air and her feet are dangling like a rag doll's. After a couple more thrusts, the cough drop torpedoes out of her mouth, narrowly missing Gwendolyn, who has just arrived on set with Phillip, the station owner. The set breaks into wild applause.
Mary-Lou
, looking embarrassed, gets up from her seat. “I'll be back in a moment, folks, I just need a second to catch my breath.”
Mary-Lou
stumbles off the set, leaving me staring into the camera,
red-faced
, and wondering what to do next.

On the Air with Messy Hair

“W
e're
still on air! Cut to commercial!” Andy orders into her mouthpiece.

“And with all this excitement, I think we'll take a break and let our sponsors entertain you for a few minutes.” Ron smiles at the camera. “Don't go away. We'll be right back!”

“Someone check on
Mary-Lou
!” Sue cries out.

“Hannah, you were amazing!” Andy says, running over to me.

“Get that girl off the set!” Gwendolyn yells. “Just look at her hair!” she adds in disgust.

Suddenly, I remember that I didn't make it to hair and make up. I must be a mess. No wonder Gwendolyn is so furious.

“Why didn't you cut to commercial, Andy?”

Gwendolyn barks, “What kind of operation are you running here, anyway?”

“Everyone just calm down!” Phillip yells.

The room goes silent.

“
Gracie,
please
do something with Hannah's hair.” Phillip points in my direction.

As ordered, Gracie from hair and makeup rushes over with a brush and starts furiously pulling it through my hair.

“Okay, Hannah,” Phillip says, his face, gravely serious, “we need you back on set.”

“But why?”

Phillip's face softens. “Hannah, what just happened on air was kind of a big deal!
You
are kind of a big deal. You just saved someone's life. You're a hero. Not to mention the fact that we have no choice but to address what just happened. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” I
try
to nod, but my head is being pulled back by the brush.
Ouch
.

“So, are you okay? Do you think you can handle this?” Andy asks.

“Sure,” I reply, feeling terrified and excited at the same time.

“But Phillip!” Gwendolyn interjects.

“Great!” Phillip grins. “Hannah, get yourself up on set.”

“
Mary-Lou
is out for the rest of the newscast,” Sue whispers to me.

“Looks like you'll be filling in.”

“What?”
This is crazy!
“Fill in for
Mary-Lou
?”

“Hannah, the show is almost over. We just want you to answer a few questions. Are you okay? Are you ready for this?” Ron asks, peering into my eyes.

I shrug. “I guess.”

“Oh come on, Hannah,” Phillip prods. “You can do better than that. Ask her again, Ron,” Phillip orders.

“Are you ready, Hannah?” Ron asks.

“I was born ready,” I reply, sounding way more confident than I am.

“That's what I thought,” Phillip says triumphantly. “Ron and Sue, you know what to do.”

Sue smiles. “We sure do.”

“Ten … nine … eight … seven … six … five … four …” Andy silently finishes the countdown with her fingers, then nods. We're on the air.

“And we're back after what I'm sure everyone would agree was quite an amazing display!” Ron says into the camera.

“Yes, Ron, I couldn't agree more!”
Sue responds.
“We knew we were lucky to have Hannah on our staff — we just didn't realize
how
lucky!”

“Oh, I wouldn't say lucky,” I break in. “I mean, I gave
Mary-Lou
that cough drop in the first place, right?”

“Yes … but um … if she didn't have that cough drop, she couldn't have done her newscast, now could she?” Sue argues, smiling.

“But then I told her that joke,” I argue, smiling back.

“But the joke wasn't that funny,” Sue says, sounding a little frustrated.

“Oh, Hannah,” Ron cuts in, “It doesn't matter who gave what to whom and why
Mary-Lou
started choking.”

“It doesn't?” I ask, wondering why they want me up here if they don't want to talk about the whole thing.

“All that matters is that she's alive,” Ron says, smiling a little uncomfortably. “You realize you're a hero, right?”

I look over at Andy who is staring at me wide-eyed and doing some weird Wheels-
on-the
-Bus action with her hands. What does she mean? I look at Ron and Sue who look like they both need to (for lack of a better word) poop, and realize that they all want the same thing — they want me to play along, to accept the fact that everyone thinks I'm a hero, even though in reality, I almost killed a woman. Whatever … this is showbiz. “Well, thank you, Ron, for saying so, but I just did what anyone else with training would have done.”

“Fair point. So, now that you've brought up the matter of training, tell us a little bit about yours. I mean, it's obvious you've had some, right?”

They are all staring at me, waiting for my response. They want me to brag. I hate bragging, but I do love attention. Wait, does that mean I love to brag? Oh … it doesn't matter. I'll just answer the questions truthfully and hopefully I won't look like a complete
show-offy
loser.

“Yes, Ron. Last year, I took some courses in First Aid and CPR.”

“That's wonderful!” Ron says, admiringly.

“I think everyone should,” I say, looking into the camera. “I mean, you never know when you are going to need it, right?”

Ron nods enthusiastically. “I totally agree. You are a very smart young lady.”

“Hmm … Ron, I've noticed that you really love those
Ultra-Unstoppable
-
Colossal-Bacon
-Cheeseburgers from The Burger Zone.”

“Yes …” he replies warily.

“And their fries.”

Ron nods.

“And their gravy.”

Ron nods again.

“And their milkshakes, and actually all junk food in general, really.”

Ron glances at me with a slight frown and then flashes a huge smile at the camera. “Yes, Hannah, but did you also notice, I always order diet cola?
Totally
sugar-free
.”

“Oh, Ron,” I say, shaking my head. “Diet cola is filled with artificial sweetener.”

“So, where are you going with this?” Ron's smile is starting to fade. I think he might be getting annoyed.

“Well, that's a lot of unhealthy,
artery-clogging
food you're feeding your body.”

Ron shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Okay.”

“Not to worry, Ron! If all of that junk you eat suddenly causes you to have a heart attack and you need someone to give you CPR or zap you back to life with a defibrillator, then I'm your girl!”

“Good to know.” Ron frowns.

“Well, thanks for tuning in to News at Five on Channel Nine.” Sue says, beaming into the camera. “See you back here tomorrow — same time, same channel.”

The
ON AIR
sign goes out.

“Thanks everyone,” Andy says to the crew.

“Hannah, you did great,” Sue says as we walk off set.

“Oh, thanks.” I smile.

“But you know, you kind of threw Ron to the dogs up there.”

“What?”

“Well, you sort of made him sound like a junk- food junkie.”

“But he is a
junk-food
junkie!” I protest.

“I know that, but the rest of the world doesn't need to know.”

“I'm sorry, Sue!”

Sue points at Ron, who's looking down at his belly and shaking his head. “It's not me you need to apologize to, sweetie.”

Ron looks up. Oh great, he just caught me staring at him staring at his belly! I'm making it worse!

“Great show today. Thanks for helping us out,” he calls over.

I force my lips up into a smile. “
No problem.
”

I can
'
t believe I
'
ve done it again. Me and my big fat mouth.

“Andy, I need to speak to you and Gwendolyn immediately,” Phillip says, directing them to his office.

“I'm so sorry, Phillip,” Gwendolyn whispers, scooting behind him.

He throws his hand up as if to say
I don'
t want to hear your excuses
.

Gwendolyn turns away from Phillip, and shoots Andy a venomous glare. “I can't believe you let this happen,” she hisses.

Poor Andy. This is all my fault.

Phillip motions with his hand. “Come on Andy. We've got a lot to discuss!”

The three of them go inside. The door slams, making me jump. I'm guessing it was Gwendolyn who closed it. She's obviously furious.

I'm tempted to run up, bang on the door, and plead Andy's case. After all, how was she to know when she hired me that I would nearly kill one anchor, and then jump up on set with snaky hair and accuse another one of being on the verge of congestive heart failure? I have to tell them!

Just as I'm about to rap my knuckles on the door, my phone rings.

“Hannah. It's Mom.”

“Hi, Mom. Oh my gosh, did you see the show?”

“Of course I saw it! You were magnificent!”

“What? No I wasn't.”

“Sweetie, I won't keep you because I know you are busy at work, but I just couldn't wait until you got home to tell you how proud I am! You rocked it, girl!”

“Mom … it was a disaster. I'll talk to you about it when I get home, okay? Right now I have to do some damage control.”

I'm about to knock for the second time when, from behind the closed door, I hear an angry Gwendolyn cry, “But Phillip!”

I hear Andy's muffled voice. “It's your decision, Phillip.”

“But Phillip!” Gwendolyn insists again.

“I want this, Gwen. I need you to make it happen,” Phillip says sternly.

The door to Phillip's office opens, banging me on the nose.

“Eavesdropping?” Gwendolyn frowns. “I guess we can add that to the list.”

“Hannah, I'm glad you're here.” Andy motions for me to enter. “Please come in.”“What's going on?” I ask.
Everyone looks so serious. This is bad.

“Well, Hannah,” Gwendolyn starts, “as you know, I wasn't in favour of hiring you.”

“No,
you weren
'
t
, but okay,” I reply.

“In spite of your hair,” Gwendolyn says, rolling her eyes in disgust, “Andy insisted that we give you a try.”

“It's not Andy's fault!” I cry out. “How could she have known how much trouble I'd cause?”

They all stare at me, mouths open. “Please don't fire her! I'
ll resign. I
'
ll quit today!
”

“Hannah!” Gwendolyn snaps. “What are you going on about? We don't want you to quit.”

“Well, is Andy going to be fired?”

“No!” Phillip finally jumps in. “Today's show was brilliant! One of our best yet! You were simply fantastic!”

“Hannah,” Gwendolyn says, her face serious, “we are trying to grow our viewership.”

“Huh?”

“We are trying to diversify,” she continues.