On the First Night of Christmas... (20 page)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

A
TEARDROP
splattered onto the drawing board, smudging the ink line, and Cassie stared at it in dismay. Grabbing a tissue from the box beside her easel, she swiped at her eyes, screwed the tissue up and launched it at the rubbish bin.

‘Don’t you dare cry,’ she whispered to herself.

Placing shaking fingers to her lips, she took several deep breaths, trying to shrink the enormous boulder lodged in her throat. The little hiccup of emotion didn’t bode well. She sniffed loudly.

What was wrong with her? It shouldn’t hurt this much.

She was being unforgivably self-indulgent. Jace and she were never meant to be. All she’d done was fall into the same stupid, sentimental trap she’d fallen into before. Of believing a guy had stronger feelings for her than he actually had.

He’d made it perfectly clear that she’d blown their fling out of proportion and he didn’t return her feelings.

She frowned, swallowing round the huge boulder. So why didn’t she feel good about her decision? Why couldn’t she stop wishing for the impossible?

Jace Ryan had said he didn’t get involved. He’d told her that he didn’t even do long-term relationships. She’d misinterpreted his invitation to New York. Put him on the spot and declared her feelings when she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do that. But despite the fact that her timing sucked, it had still been the right thing to do to walk away. She didn’t want to get her heart shattered just because she’d been foolish enough to believe he was falling for her too.

Cassie’s bottom lip quivered. She bit into it, struggling to stem the maelstrom of emotion that had been pummelling her all day.

The only big glaring problem in her carefully worked out logic was that she wasn’t falling in love with Jace. She’d fallen. Hard and fast and far too easily. And she was very much afraid that her foolish heart was already shattered.

She stared out of the bedroom’s small window, the streetlight outside casting a yellow halo of light in the drizzle of freezing rain. Christmas was over. Jace would be on the plane now, flying back to his home in New York and out of her life.

She’d always regret what they had lost. Because however foolish she’d been, she hadn’t been wrong to know she could have given him so much, that they could have given so much to each other.

But she’d offered him her heart and he hadn’t wanted it. In the end she had to accept that and get over it. And however much it hurt now, she was much better moving on than struggling all on her own to make it work.

Today was the first day of a whole new year. She took in a deep breath, let it out slowly, glad to note it was only a little shaky. A whole new year and a whole new Cassie.

One day she’d find a guy who loved her the way she loved him. Who needed her and, more importantly, could give her what she needed. Lance had taken away her optimism and her self-respect and her belief in the power of love. And she had never even really loved him. Jace, for all his faults, and despite his resolute refusal to open himself to the possibility of love, had given her those gifts back. And for that she should be grateful.

Their wild Christmas fling hadn’t been a mistake. It just hadn’t been meant to last.

The loud thumping on the door made her jerk upright, and shattered the quiet moment of reflection.

Giving a little sigh, she climbed down from the stool and crossed to the front door. If that was Nessa, she’d allow herself a good solid cry on her shoulder, but she wouldn’t let her best friend bad-mouth Jace. She didn’t feel bitter, or used or angry, she just felt sad. But it was a sadness she knew she’d get over in time.

Sliding the deadbolt free, she wiped her eyes one last time and stiffened her stance. Time to give the new improved Cassie a workout. The Cassie who learned from her mistakes, but didn’t let them change who she was as a person. But as she swung open the door she saw the handsome face that would likely haunt her dreams and the new improved Cassie turned tail and ran.

‘Cass …’

She slammed the door in a flash of blind panic.

‘Ow!’ he yelled as the heavy oak hit the foot he’d wedged into the gap.

‘Go away. You’re supposed to be on a plane,’ she shouted through the narrow opening.

She couldn’t face him now, not after her pep talk. She had to begin the hard process of getting over him. This would only make it harder.

He wrapped his fingers round the door, shoved it back. ‘Damn it. I think you’ve broken my foot.’

She stumbled back, bumped up against the sofa.

‘That serves you right,’ she said, stifling the prickle of guilt as he limped into the room. ‘You shouldn’t be here. I didn’t invite you.’

‘I don’t care,’ he said, looming over her, his eyes stormy and his jaw rigid. ‘I’ve come to get you. You’re going to New York with me.’

‘No, I’m not.’ The anger that had been so unfamiliar that morning surged through her veins again, but this time she embraced it.

He had no right. No right to make her go through this all over again.

‘Why not?’ he said, exasperated, as he grasped her hips, dragged her towards him. ‘You know you want to.’

She braced her hands against his chest. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I can’t.’

‘Why can’t you? Because you told me you were falling for me?’ He snapped the words, his own temper as volatile as hers. ‘So what? We’ll forget you ever said it. And everything can go back to the way it was before.’

She gasped, astonished not just by his gall, but by his ignorance. How could she be in love with a man who was so clueless about other people’s feelings?

‘I can’t take it back.’ She struggled out of his arms. ‘That’s the way I feel,’ she said, her voice rising. ‘And I can’t stop feeling that way just because you don’t.’

‘Okay, fine.’ He raked his hands through his hair, and she saw something that looked remarkably like panic. ‘Feel that way if you want, but why should that stop us from continuing our affair? If you love me, why don’t you want to be with me?’ The puzzled anguish in his voice had her own temper cooling. How could he not know the answer to this? How could he understand so little about love?

‘Because I’d want things you can’t give me, Jace,’ she said softly, willing him to understand. ‘And that would destroy me in the end. Can’t you see that?’

‘How do you know I can’t give you what you need?’ he said, grasping her elbow, drawing her back into his arms. ‘Maybe I could, if you gave me the chance. Why won’t you let me try?’

As he pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her waist, she took a deep trembling breath of his scent and felt her resolve weakening.

‘Please, Jace,’ she whispered. ‘Don’t do this.’

She pressed her lips together to stop them trembling, pushed her forearms against his chest. She couldn’t give in; she couldn’t. Not when she’d come so far. If she went with him, knowing that he didn’t love her, she’d only end up trying to convince herself again. She couldn’t risk doing that. Not with him. Because with Jace it would be so much more devastating when she was finally forced to face the truth.

Then he touched his forehead to hers, placed a tender kiss on the tip of her nose and whispered, ‘Please, Cassie, come with me. I can’t go without you.’

The gulping sob racked her body, but she struggled against his grip and forced herself to step back. The tears flooded down her cheeks, the tears she’d held back all day, the tears she’d never shed over her father’s neglect, or David’s lack of interest or even Lance’s betrayal. After thirteen short days, Jace had come to mean more to her than any of them. But as much as she wanted to reach out to him, she knew she couldn’t.

‘Don’t cry, Cassie,’ he said, reaching up to cradle her cheek. ‘I didn’t mean to make you cry. I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘I know you don’t.’ She shook her head, brushed the tears away as she crossed her arms under her breasts, lifted her chin to face him. ‘But that isn’t enough.’

‘Then tell me what is?’ he said.

She cocked her head to one side, finally acknowledging the desperation in his eyes, the unhappiness, the thin edge of control that was on the brink of shattering. And suddenly she understood how far he’d come. He did care about her, more than she suspected he had ever cared about any woman. He’d opened up to her in a way he probably never had before. The seed of hope that had refused to die pushed through her despair and confusion. Maybe this wasn’t actually about her. Had she been unbelievably selfish and naive? Trying to force him to admit feelings that he didn’t even understand?

‘I need you to be honest about your feelings,’ she said softly. ‘Why can’t you do that?’

He cursed under his breath. Then backed away, sat down heavily on the sofa. Sinking his head into his hands, he spoke, his voice muffled, but shaking with emotion. ‘Because I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to love anyone.’

She sat beside him, placed her hand on his knee, the hope surging back to life now. At last she’d got behind the charm, the confidence and the cast-iron control, to the man beneath. ‘Why not, Jace?’

‘Because love is a mean, miserable, dirty little trick.’ His voice cracked on the word. ‘You think you can control it but you can’t. And then it ends up controlling you.’

He sounded so angry, but behind the anger she could hear the fear.

‘Why would you think that?’ she asked gently, but she thought she already knew the answer. And her heart ached for him.

‘Because that’s exactly what happened to my mother.’ He drew a sharp breath in, clasped his hands between his knees and stared blankly into the middle distance. ‘She used to be so amazing. So sweet and kind and funny. When it was just the two of us.’ His shoulder jerked in a tense shrug, but he didn’t sound angry any more, just desperately sad. ‘You know, before she met him.’ He sucked in a shaky breath, blew it out slowly. ‘When I was little and he hit me too, she’d say I should be more careful. That I knew he had a temper and I should try harder not to upset him.’ The resigned sigh broke Cassie’s heart. ‘Then when I got older, and I was big enough to defend her, she hid the injuries. She’d say she walked into a door. Or she tripped and fell. She’d tell any stupid lie to protect him.’ He ploughed his fingers through his hair. ‘I tried to get her to report the abuse. And she wouldn’t. Finally, I couldn’t take any more. So I went to the police. She denied it all and kicked me out. That was the night before I got expelled.’ He turned to face her. ‘She never spoke to me again. All because she loved him.’

He looked shattered, exhausted, the dark memories swirling in his eyes. And her heart broke all over again for that traumatised child and the pitiable woman, destroyed by abuse, who had been unable to protect him.