On the Line (18 page)

But a month before Mama died Avery messed around and asked me to marry him. Girl, that big old strong black man actually got down on his knees and pulled out a ring, and when he looked up at me there were tears in his eyes.

“Baby,” he said, giving me the most beautiful grin I'd ever seen in my life. “I'm already all yours. And I want you to be all mine. We're right for each other, sugar, and I promise to do whatever it takes in this world to keep you happy and satisfied. This is a fit, Silky. I don't wanna live my life without you, and I'm asking you to be my wife.”

Oh, how I cried. The tears, Joy. The tears. I cried outta my soul, you hear me? Here I had the most beautiful man in the world bowed down in front of me, and I was gonna have to let him go! I took the ring, but I was already mourning him. See, love had done gotten so good to me that I'd almost forgot I wasn't right! I'd been laughing and dreaming and trolloping around town like I was a regular somebody who could have a regular life. I had been pretending that my lower ugliness didn't exist. Like this man wouldn't one day expect to get a little bit of what I was hiding between my legs. All that damn baggage down there! All that mess!

I hadn't forgotten what happened the last time I tried to get intimate with a man. And when I called Avery over and gave him his ring back and told him that I couldn't marry him, it was all I could do not to remember.

“Look at me, Silky,” Avery had said, holding on to me as he lifted my chin. I couldn't. My guilt was too strong, my love way too deep. “Woman! You look at me and tell me you don't love me! Look at me and tell me I don't make you happy, baby. Tell me you don't want me!”

I felt like dying. Joy, there was no way in all hell that I could look at my man and say those words to him. Those would have been lies falling out of my mouth, you hear me? Damned lies!

The weeks passed by slowly and I lost my mama.

I was all alone in the world, and that thought hurt me so bad I didn't think I would survive it. Avery came by the house to offer me his condolences. He was a good man and a good friend, and he said no matter what had happened between us, there was no way he was gonna let me bury my mama all by myself.

So I leaned on him. On that big rock of a shoulder he had extended for me. Avery got me through the days, and he comforted me through the nights, too. For a whole week we lay together in my bed with all our clothes on. Holding each other and crying together until I didn't know if I was crying over Mama, or crying over me.

During that time Avery didn't press me for anything, and he didn't talk about marriage or having anything other than a friendship with me.

“I'm here to help you through this, Silky,” he told me. “Just hold tight to old Avery, and let me see you through.”

I was grieving, Lord. Oh, was I grieving! But even with Mama in the cold ground, a part of me still hoped for a little happiness. A tiny part of my spirit refused to be quiet. It wanted love. It wanted a man. It wanted joy! It wanted Avery.

I asked him late one night just as he was leaving, “Do…you think we might…you know…try to have something again?”

He was quiet for so long that my hands started sweating in embarrassment. Maybe he already had somebody else! Maybe he was already planning to move her out east! But then he spoke.

“Silky, me and you…” His voice trailed off as he touched my hair and grinned. “We gone always have us something, baby. I'm yours, and you mine. No matter what. Even if I never see you again, nothing can change that.”

So there, Joy. You got it out of me. I told you my secret, now I'm asking for your help. I need somebody to tell me that my love is okay. That it's possible. Say it to me loud on the radio, Joy. Just give me a yes or a no. Tell me it's okay to put my trust in a man like Avery, and to maybe see a doctor somewhere about my ugly affliction. I can't be the only woman in the world with such a big cho-cha. Maybe there's help out there for me. I would never trick Avery into marrying me knowing I'm a freak, but maybe I wouldn't have to trick him. Maybe I could just tell him.

I loved my mama, Joy, and may God bless her precious soul…but she wasn't always right about everything! Maybe she was wrong about Avery. I promise you he's nothing like that boy with the pretty eyes. My Avery's a real man. He's all man. Avery says he's
my
man. Maybe.

Just…maybe.

 

By this time the station manager is banging on my door, frantically trying to get in. I'm sure the FCC is on one of the phone lines. And quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

“Hey, sista Silky. I say go for it, girl. Take that man and all that he has to offer. Who says your oversized pussy lips are a freak of nature? Show 'em what you got!” Ha-ha, no bleeping tonight.

The lights on the phones are flashing so fast and furious it's like being in a disco.

“I told ya'll it was going to be hot up in here tonight, and we ain't stopping till…well, till I say so.” I laugh long and hard. “I'm going to give ya'll thirty seconds to refill your glass and then we'll be back.”

My adrenaline is pumping. I know there will be hell to pay, but what else could they do to me? They sure as sugar couldn't fire me twice! I glance behind me and Mr. Bledsoe has his big, fat red face pressed to the small glass window of my booth. I give him the finger then my back. Macy gives me the five-second countdown.

“So as I was saying before we were rudely interrupted with a station break…we are on and popping tonight. And for those of you tardy listeners who didn't catch the beginning of the show, tonight is my last night on the airwaves. Yeah, yeah, I was surprised, too, but hey, ya'll ain't heard the last of Joy Newhouse. So let's keep it moving. I have a caller on the line….”

“Y
ou said you want to call your story
A Player's Anthem
?” I ask the caller.

“Yes.”

“You have a name to go with that?”

“I'd rather not.”

“Okay, ‘Rather Not.'” I crack up laughing. “You're on the line and we're listening.” I hear her take a deep breath and it whistles as she blows it out through the phone lines…

 

Have you ever wanted to taste a man so badly that your mouth watered?

 

Oh damn. Maybe this was going to be good.

 

Craved his hardness to stir your sweetness so intensely that the minute his touch graced your skin you damn near ran down the street because you thought you were going to catch fire? Have you ever felt heat that extreme? Ever met a man that was so good for you that he became bad for you because you wanted him too much? Hungered for him too often? Would trade your last breath so he could know a minute more of happiness? Did you ever love a man so completely that without him you'd be incomplete?

My best friend Harmony did. Moved from Chicago to L.A. and fell hard for a
player-player
from the east side of South Central. Forty-eighth Street between Central and McKinley—an area of the gangster grid. Avalon territory.

His handle was Riz. No bona fide first name. No government last. Just Riz.
Her
Riz. Harmony's.

And that's the reason I'm calling in. I don't know if I should reopen an old wound or not. My best friend has a problem, and I want to help her but don't know how to go about it. Her problem is Riz. A brotha she fell hard for a while ago and
believed
she couldn't have, but never stuck around long enough to find out if her belief was right. She ran three thousand miles away but still can't shake him because there was never an ending to their relationship. And now some other man has fallen for her the same way she fell for Riz. Now she's considering this other man's marriage proposal, and I don't want her commit to the wrong person. I also don't want her to get hurt again but, at the same time, I can't sit back and watch her settle—not without real closure. Not when I know for a fact that her heart is still in L.A. with Riz and that she still belongs to him in a soul-mate sort of way.

Before Harmony ever wrapped her legs around Riz, she was his. The minute she met him in her apartment on 76th and Western, she had to know him. Was overcome by his swagger that was the male equivalent of hers. His bold declaration of
God damn! I gotta have you!
as soon as her cousin Alicia introduced them. And once Harmony'd gotten inside his world, something in her caved. The most important part of her that she'd kept protected, walled up in cement. A thing she was sure was untouchable. Her heart.

Riz had given her life, and she lost it as soon as she left him. For her, death would've been easier because the hardest thing I've known her to do is walk away from him. But she had to because Riz was risky. Dangerous. In the most delicious way. He was the type of player who could turn a woman inside out and make love to her soul until she became weak enough for him to remold. And weakness didn't flow through Harmony's blue veins. Her life, stomping ground—everything she'd known to be real—dictated she be otherwise. She'd come from dry-cleaned folks. Family who had the ability to appear clean under the pressure of heat but deep down in their fibers they were dirty. And that was all she'd known. Invisible dirt. Serious money. Men who could make anything happen or disappear. Women who did the same. Harmony owned identical power but with an added splash of untouchableness, a slice of coolness that had separated her from the rest. But Riz kicked down her impenetrable door and rocked her known world off its axis. He was The One. That one man who'd change her life forever. Not because she loved him. But because she couldn't have him. Wouldn't allow him to have her—knowingly. But he did have her. I know he still does.

Her feelings for him flowed so naturally they seemed unnatural—especially that evening. The night they'd played the wall. Harmony sat propped up on pillows, watching Riz from where she lay on the bed. Craving him from the depths of her soul. They hadn't had sex. Hadn't reached that part of their relationship. Yet. He'd just lain next to her, eyes closed, tangling himself in her essence like always while she wrote things in the journal she'd never invite him to read. What would he think if he knew he'd brought out the little girl in her, exposed a softer side that she'd never shown? Couldn't reveal. She feared she'd push him away if he knew how badly she'd wanted him—for life—and hadn't yet had a taste of him. They were folks. Just friends, she'd tried to convince herself. Talk herself down from the high that'd suddenly invaded her when his hand mistakenly brushed her thigh as he moved to the edge of the mattress. Her desiring
forever
was crazy, she knew that. But she couldn't help it. Lacked control of her heart, just as she wasn't able to cool the heat that blazed within her whenever he was near. Or overcome the emptiness she felt when he left.

“Getting ready to go?” she asked, watching her upside-down explanation point brightly reflect in his rich brown eyes.

“Yeah,” he answered.

Harmony followed him to the doorway. Stared at his back under heavy lids as his footfalls carried him down a few stairs. Silently, she moved into the hall, willed him to look back at her.

Riz had disappeared, and his absence killed her. Without him, Harmony's waking hours were empty and her nights were cold. There were no phone calls. No “What's goin'on, baby?” No Riz stopping by to rest his head on her pillow while she wrote. Not one trace of the confusion she'd complained about but now longed for. No Riz anywhere.

Harmony stripped herself out her blues and changed into all black clothes. She wanted to slip into the night. Blend in with the darkness while she caught her breath and measured her future. Riz may have possessed her heart but the last time she'd checked, she still owned her life. Not him. And she decided to do just that. Own her future—with or without him. She'd been born by herself, would die by herself. And no one could live her life for her but herself.

 

Labor Day in Palm Springs was hot. And so was Harmony. Standing by the pool, fitted snugly into the red Playboy bunny costume that'd been tailored to ride her curves, she received a lot of attention. Too much for someone in particular—the host whose party she was unknowingly crashing. Against her better judgment, and because she was moving, she'd agreed to attend the masquerade party with Alicia at the vacation home. In two days, New York City would be her new home and Los Angeles would be behind her, and she wanted one last Cali outing with her family no matter how twisted Alicia was.

Bikinis. Swimming trunks. Costumes. Braids and fades whizzed by her as the other party attendees celebrated the holiday. But not Harmony. She was at the function but wasn't a part of it. She'd gone with hopes of enjoying herself but didn't know anyone there except Alicia, and she'd disappeared. And Harmony wasn't exactly harmonious about dealing with people she didn't know. On tiptoe, she snaked her neck trying to make out Alicia through the crowd. She was ready to go back to their hotel but Alicia had the car keys.

“
What's up,
baby?” Riz stood, greeted her like they'd never separated.

Harmony grinned. “You.”

Riz gripped her in a hug, spun her around. Admired her openly. “Is
that
right? Like that? Damn you look good—” he whirled her again “—damn near naked, Harmony? I can't let you get outta my sight. Not like this.” He sat, patted his leg and pulled her down onto his lap.

Harmony sat sideways on him like he was her throne. She knew his pulling her onto his lap was as big a move for him as it was for her. And a loud warning to any man watching. Riz was private. He didn't do public displays. Neither did she.

She was just as happy to see him. Tracing her finger on his collar, she looked intently into his eyes, then shifted her weight until she was leaning on his shoulder. Harmony was getting comfortable with him again. “What're you doing here?”

Riz winked. Patted her thighs. “Come on, now. You're at my party.”

Harmony reared back her head. “
Your
party?”

Riz nodded. “How you think I knew you were here? And what're you doing going to parties anyway—without me? You don't go out.”

Harmony winked. Caught women in her peripheral staring at Riz. “Things change.”

Riz ran his fingers up the back of her neck, tangled them in her hair. Gripped familiarly. “But the game remains the same.”

A few mai tais later and Harmony latched on to Riz. Let go of her insecurities, her wanting him to want her first. All resistance flew. Her soft touch turned strong as she grabbed his collar, held on to him. Owned him. Became possessive and competitive when some other women didn't take the hint or their eyes off him.

He patted her leg again. “I'll be right back, baby,” he said, gently removing her from his lap.

Harmony watched him disappear into the vacation home, slipped out of her stilettos. Decided she'd be right back, too, while she followed him.

He went into the bathroom.

So did she. “You forgot to lock the door,” she said, locking it behind her.

Riz looked at her.

She gazed at him, eyes glazed but not because of the alcohol. From the heat. Her hotness. “Now,” was all she uttered, grabbing Riz again. Yanking him by his shirt until his body met hers. His lips. Hardness. Hands in her hair. On her face. Covering her breasts and massaging between her legs set her ablaze. Melted her sweet spot until he'd honeyed her.

Her Playboy bunny costume was now a puddle on the floor. Naked, Harmony followed it, dropped to her knees. Took Riz's swimming shorts down with her. She paused, stared at his package. Riz was very gifted, and she couldn't wait to wrap his large present with her heat. She kissed what she'd been yearning for. Her tongue flickered, tasted his molasses. “
Look
at me,” she demanded, then savored his warm chocolate in her mouth until he was ready to melt, too.

“Wait,” he warned, then got down on his knees. Laid her on the floor. Grabbed her ankles. Positioned one to the east shoulder, the other he pointed west, then moved his mouth toward her equator.

“No.” Harmony stopped him. “I want you inside me. Please let me feel you.”

“You sure?” he asked from between her legs.

Harmony grabbed his shoulders, guided him up. “Yes.”

“But I want to taste you.”

“You can taste me later. After the party. I promise. Just please gift me.”

Riz positioned himself on his knees and shouldered her legs. His finger parted her gently, and she closed her eyes, gave in to the succulent rush that pulsated.

But nothing happened.

Harmony opened her eyes. Saw him staring at her sweetness. “What's wrong?”

Riz shook his head. “Nothing. Everything is perfect. It's so wonderful. So pretty. Let me taste it.”

Harmony pulled him down over her. Bucked her hips. Grabbed his bigness. Slid it between her slit. “Fuck me! Now!”

And then it happened. And she thought she was going to die. Right then. Right there. On a Palm Springs bathroom floor. Because never in her life had she imagined that something could feel so pleasurable and painful at once. Riz had spread her. Opened her. Touched her so deep she could feel him making love to her heart.

And she cried.

Harmony woke up in the master bedroom and looked next to her. She stared at Riz. Couldn't believe that he was there, live and in the flesh. Couldn't believe that their night had been real. It seemed so magical that she was afraid to take her eyes off him for fear that he'd disappear and she would realize it'd all been a dream. But it was true. The soreness and stickiness between her legs told her so. They had danced in the bathroom, tangled again minutes after the party was over. “I love you,” she whispered, knowing his sleeping ears couldn't hear her. Gently, she traced her finger on the side of his face. She hated to wake him, but had to. She'd told him she was moving out of town, but now she didn't want to go. Not after what they'd shared. She rubbed his back, not wanting to startle him. He had to get up. She had to know what he wanted before she boarded the plane in two days. There would be no games this time. No hidden feelings. Riz would be her deciding factor as to whether she'd leave or not.

Riz opened his eyes and sat up. “I don't want you to go. I want you here at home with me in L.A.”

“In the
same
house?”

Riz smiled. Gave her a knowing look. “You know I've never lived with a woman. Don't know if I could. But we can work on it,” he said, steepling his hands and shaking his head as if he were already apologizing for taking her stolen dream. “But I do want you here with me, I just don't wanna put you in harm's way.”