Authors: Victoria Villeneuve
As I finished my story, I just began to sob.
There was nothing more I could do. I was absolutely, completely gutted. I had poured my heart out. I had never told anyone about that night. Never. My parents knew, of course, what had happened, but I had never spoken about it with them.
Basically as soon as it happened I had turned to alcohol.
I had never been a big drinker before then, but the alcohol made me forget. I became more and more dependent on it.
“I’m so sorry Kylie. I can’t even imagine how you must feel.
I know it means nothing, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“Everyone always tells me that, but it
feels
like it was my fault.”
“Of course it does. That’s natural. You were the one driving the car. I know you’ve gone over things a million times in your head, wondering ‘what if I had done this differently?’
and asking yourself if you should have seen the car sooner. But the thing is, you couldn’t have. It’s not even nearly on the same scale, but I went through something similar when my knee got injured. I asked myself what if I had moved to the side a bit? What if I had balanced myself better? But no, what happened happened. That didn’t make it my fault.”
The tears flowing from my eyes began to ebb as Daniel kept talking.
I liked the sound of his voice. It was comforting, it was nice.
“I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel. But think about your sister. Do you think she would want you to stay here forever, or do you think she would want you to go back to
school and finish your studies, and heal other people’s sisters?”
“It doesn’t matter, she doesn’t think anything,
she’s dead, because of me.”
“But what if she did? I think you’re punishing yourself by staying here. You think you deserve to be an outcast, you think you deserve to deprive yourself of the things you want and enjoy, because
of what you did. And that’s not fair to you.”
I looked up at Daniel. No one else had ever truly understood why I stayed here, wh
y I intended to stay here forever. Doctor Emma certainly didn’t. My parents didn’t. But Daniel did.
“I’m not wrong, am I?” he asked softly, and I shook my head.
“No, you’re not wrong,” I replied. “You’re completely correct. I took Suzette’s life, I don’t deserve to live one of my own. I thought about suicide a lot those first few months, but I eventually decided I didn’t deserve the easy way out, either.”
“You do deserve to live your life.
That drunk driver took one innocent life, don’t let him take two.”
For a
while, we sat there in silence. Thoughts swarmed my head, it was so much I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I had never told anyone that story. It was funny, saying those words out loud was a relief. I know it’s a cliché, but it actually felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I knew Daniel would understand, and he did.
That’s what made it so hard to argue against his points.
He understood. Other people told me to do things, but they didn’t get my motivations. Daniel did, and yet he still was telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. Was I? I began to really question myself. Was I completely wrong all this time? Was I looking at things the wrong way? Should I be doing what I was doing, living my life in the worst possible way? Was that really still the right thing to do?
I still couldn’t get past the fact that no one would want a doctor that had killed their sister.
“What happens when someone finds out about me and Suzette? What happens when one of my patients Googles me and finds out about it?”
“Then you tell them that even though disaster befell you earlier in your life, you’re now dedicating your life to making sure no one else goes through what you did.
Which would be true, by the way.”
“Yeah.
I don’t know.” He was right. I couldn’t argue against that. He was right, and I hated that he was.
“Well, you don’t need to make a decision now. You can always think about it.
But Kylie, I really think you should think about changing your life. I think you would be happy as a doctor. I’ve seen you with patients. Hell, I’ve been one of them. You have a caring spirit, and it shouldn’t go to waste, especially not since you want to do it.”
“I’ll think about it. You’re right. I’m going to think about it. When are you leaving?”
“A week Sunday. So, nine days from now.”
“You know, I’m glad.
I’m happy you’re getting out of here. I want to see you win the Stanley Cup next year. I’ll watch it on TV.”
“I’ll send you tickets, you can come watch it in person.”
I looked up at Daniel and kind of half smiled at him. It was all I could manage right now.
I flopped down on the ground and stared up into the leaves of the tree we were under, thinking about things.
“Do you want me to go, leave you with your thoughts?”
“No, I’d like you to stay, if you don’t mind. I like your presence.”
“Cool, let me know if you want to talk about anything.”
But I didn’t. I just needed to think. I don’t know how long I sat there for, lying down in the cool summer grass, letting the breeze move over my face, Daniel only a few feet away. Eventually we got up as the sun began to edge its way towards the horizon and went back into the building.
“What about your physio appointment?”
“Whatever, one day of exercises isn’t going to make or break me. It was more important to be that I be with you this afternoon.”
My heart swelled with appreciation as I realized what Daniel had done. He’d skipped his physiotherapy to be with me. I felt so... cared for, knowing that he did that for me.
I skipped dinner, instead going to my room and having a long shower.
I had a lot to think about, and I always thought showers were great for thinking. I let the water stream over me until at last the water went cold.
When I went to bed that night, I had made my decision.
* * *
The first thing I did the next day was visit Doctor Emma and ask her whether she thought I was in a good enough condition to be released.
“You’re asking me a difficult question, Kylie. After all, you’re not the most forthcoming of patients. I really know so little about you, I’m not certain that I’m able to answer that.”
“I’m a very private person.”
“I understand that. I know that you are dealing with things much deeper than most who are here, and while I believe your alcoholism is most likely manageable in the outside world, I also know that it was triggered by those memories the first time. If I were to tell you that you’re alright to be released, I want to know that you have someone to talk to. You need to have a support group, otherwise the chances of a relapse are much higher.”
“I have someone to talk to,” I told her. “I do have someone who understands.”
Doctor Emma looked at me hard, then nodded.
“
Alright. I think that as long as you have that support network, you should be fine. Remember, you can always come back here. I would also encourage you to attend AA meetings.”
I nodded and thanked her as she handed me an information booklet, complete with a variety of suggested support networks.
“I suppose you’ll want to be released next Sunday?” she asked, and the look on my face almost certainly gave me away. I supposed it shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise to me. Doctor Emma was no idiot, and she had hinted that she knew about Daniel and I before.
“That would be good, thanks,” I replied so quietly it came out almost as a whisper.
“Consider it done. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to connect with you as well as perhaps another therapist may have.”
I shook my head. “It’s not your fault, Doctor Emma. I’m just... not very trusting.”
“Well, I’m glad you’ve found someone to trust.”
“Me too.”
I left her office feeling conflicted. A part of me was elated. I was actually going to leave! I was going home! Another part of me still felt guilty about what I was doing. How dare I live the life that Suzette wasn’t going to?
When I saw Daniel later th
at night, he was elated for me.
“I’m glad you’re doing this, Kylie.
I think it’ll be good for you.”
“Yeah, maybe.
I dunno. I’m a bit worried about it, to be honest. I really don’t know how I’m going to adjust to life outside of here now. I never really thought about it until, well, yesterday.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You’ve done it before. Where are you going to stay?”
“With my parents, I guess. They’ll be happy I’m ‘cured’. I’m their only child now, the only one they have left. They’ll be happy that I’m back.”
“Do you want to stay with them?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t know.
It wouldn’t be too bad, I guess. I’m just worried about moving back into my old circles too quickly. I’d like to find a place where I could just slowly ease back into my old life.”
“Why don’t you
come stay with me? My place has four bedrooms. I’m literally using one of them as a storage and trophy room right now, I have that little need for the space. You’d have a ton of privacy, your own bedroom, of course. You’re welcome to stay with me for as long as you’d like.”
“What if I don’t want my own bedroom?” I couldn’t help but ask, biting my bottom lip.
“Well, I’m sure we can deal with that,” Daniel replied, grinning. “And on that note, seeing as we’re finally going to be away from the rules of this place, I’d like to take you out on Sunday night, if you’re up for it.”
“Absolutely!
I’d like that.”
“Cool.
I’m... I’m glad you’ve decided to do this, Kylie. I really am. I didn’t want to have to leave here without you.”
“I have you to thank. If it wasn’t for you showing up, I never would have made this decision.”
“Consider it mutual. I wouldn’t be trying to get back into hockey if it wasn’t for you. I guess we’re good for each other.”
“I guess so.
* * *
The next week absolutely flew by.
It was funny, the closer we got to that Sunday, the more I was looking forward to it. I would have never expected myself to actually
want
something like this even last week. This was such a strange feeling. Hope, optimism, neither one of those were emotions I’d felt in a long time.
There was also some nervousness.
What if I immediately couldn’t cope, what if I went straight back to alcohol? What if no one I knew before wanted to associate with me anymore? What if I couldn’t hack it when I went back to medical school? What if my life was an abject failure, and I would have been better off not trying?
I eventually forced the negative thoughts from my head. They weren’t helping. They weren’t helping at all.
Daniel, on the other hand, was amazing. He was always willing to talk, he made sure I was actually comfortable coming to live with him, and he seemed to genuinely care about how I was going to deal with being back in society.
Finally, Sunday arrived.
I said my goodbyes to Fiona at breakfast.
“I’m going to be following you
on Tuesday, you know.”
“I didn’t! Congratulations!”
“Thanks. I’m looking forward to it. How about you, I guess now you can finally bang your hot hockey player. If I can make a suggestion, get pregnant as quickly as possible so he’s stuck with you.”
I laughed. “Thanks for the motherly advice, Fiona.
”
“Hey, I’m not your
mother, I have two of my own.”
“And I’m sure they’re wonderful, well-adjusted boys.”
“They absolutely are. They know not to get any girls that they don’t want to be stuck with pregnant.”
I was going to
miss Fiona. She had a good sense of humour.
“Thanks for being my friend in here.”
“No problem. Look me up if you ever want to get a coffee or anything.”
“I
will, thanks.”
When the time finally came, I said goodbye to everyone else, was wished well, and went out with my suitcase and Daniel to the front of the building, where a cab was waiting.
We climbed in, Daniel putting my bag in the trunk. It felt strange, being free all of a sudden. I mean, it’s not like I was in jail or anything before. But that building was the only thing I knew now. I never had the desire to leave before. I thought I was going to be there for years to come. And yet, now as we sped down the highway towards Daniel’s place, I knew it was in the past, that I would never go back there again.
“I was thinking for our date tonight we should do something simple.
How about just dinner?” Daniel asked.
“Dinner sounds fantastic. I’m actually kind of looking forward to having some different food. The cooks at the center aren’t bad, but it’s like they have a list of ten things they like to cook and never deviate from it.”