They rode in acrimonious silence to the nearby duck pond where they had previously shared tender moments. Tony cut the engine. Jackie stared at the river. The silent rage lasted long enough for her to realize that the love of her life was an arrogant, immature, cowardly man. Watching the ducks fight over a piece of bread someone threw into the water, she prayed that she’d awaken to a time when Tony was still her best friend and she still controlled her own destiny. She wanted her future back. Instead, she knew she was about to hear what he had to say, even if it destroyed her.
She finally broke the silence. “Let’s hear it, Tony.”
“Are you absolutely sure you’re pregnant?” He stared at the river.
She sighed. “For the umpteenth time, yes, I’m sure.”
“Then, let’s discuss adoption.” He turned to her. “Jackie, it’s the right option for us, right now.”
“We already discussed this! I made it perfectly clear I can’t live with that. I can’t give up my baby for convenience sake. You know, Tony, sometimes life isn’t convenient. Shit happens! I’ve searched my soul and as much as it scares the ever-lovin’ shit out of me, I’m keeping this baby. The way I see it, I took the appropriate precautions to prevent it … but it happened. With a stinkin’ one percent chance. I don’t understand it. But it’s crystal clear to me that this child is supposed to be here. And I
am
keeping it. I’m sorry you don’t like my decision. I really am.” She looked squarely into his steel-blue eyes. “Tony, my decision is not to spite you or trap you. It’s the only decision I can live with.”
“Fine. Here’s my decision. My involvement will be nil. I don’t want it. I didn’t choose it. You can walk this kid by my house every year on its birthday for all I care.” Visibly tormented, Tony hesitated. “There’s more. Carmella and I are engaged. So don’t do this expecting that I’ll change my mind.”
Jackie gasped. “You and this woman you just met are engaged?” The absurdity made her smile.
“Yeah, don’t give me any shit! Not that I have to explain myself to you. But there’s a love element there.”
“Really? What the hell is a ‘love element’?”
With arms folded, he declared, “I don’t have to explain it to you.”
She couldn’t help but giggle. “You’ve lost your mind!” She gazed at him in disbelief.
“It’s no joke.”
“Take me home.” She glared at him, but felt beaten down by his intended or unintended retaliation.
They drove in bitter silence. When they reached her house, he said, “Listen Jackie, I’m telling you right now, I won’t be there for you and this kid.” The fire in his eyes confirmed his sincerity. “You need to think about that while you consider your options.”
“You’ve made yourself perfectly clear.” She got out, slammed the door, and stormed away.
August 1977
A
bortion. Adoption. Single parenthood. Each alternative had far-reaching implications.
Jackie considered adoption one more time with attempted objectivity. In her navy-and-white bedroom, with soft music and candlelight, she searched her soul. She ruminated on her conversation with Tony.
He’s right. I have nothing but love to offer this baby. How will I find a job if I’m pregnant and then with an infant? How can I provide for myself and a baby? Adoptive parents would have all the money and security a baby needs. Giving this baby away would be the most generous gift I could ever give. But how does someone carry and deliver a baby only to never see it again?
She paced the floor, leaving tracks of restlessness in the thick nap of the carpet. There are no guarantees in life, and there are none in adoption. Look at me. I was born into a happy household. My father died and my family blew apart. How can my baby be guaranteed its adoptive father won’t die? How ironic. I could give this baby away because I’m single and its adoptive mother could become single by a simple twist of fate. No, I need to know that my baby is safe and happy. Plopping on her bed, Jackie accepted the fact that she was not as trusting or generous as a person must be to give up her baby.
Single parenthood was chosen by default. I’ll put my job search on hold and sign on with a temporary secretarial agency. I’ll add a few shifts at The Stockyard for the time being. Her senses magnified in search of solutions to the myriad challenges her situation presented. She wondered about the baby. What is it? Who will it be? It is taking over my body, my life! I’ll be somebody’s mother. Will I always be single? Do I have what it takes to be a single mother? Does anybody?
*
Jackie and Tara sat at the Pewter Pot enjoying muffins and coffee. Tara’s shriek of disbelief when she heard about Tony’s proclaimed engagement could be heard over the din of the breakfast crowd.
“He’s unbelievable! He’s trying to manipulate you, you know that, right?”
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore. Suddenly I don’t even know him. It’s scary enough that I’ll be somebody’s mother and I’m about to lose control of my life with no safety net. And I miss him so much—or at least the Tony I thought I knew.” Tears filled her eyes.
“Oh Jackie, I know. It’s horrible. He’s trying to terrify you so that you’ll get the abortion he wants.” She broke off a piece of her grilled corn muffin.
“Well, if that’s what he’s doing, he doesn’t get it! I’m having this baby because I can’t live with any other alternative.” She hesitated, staring into space. “I’ve spent years wondering why I couldn’t shake my attraction to him. Maybe I saw this baby in his eyes, ’cause God knows, I couldn’t have seen anything else worthwhile in him. This should
not
have happened, but it did. So this baby is meant to be born and meant to be mine. I know it.”
“You’ve got to give those things up.” Tara pointed to Jackie’s cigarettes.
“I know. But they’re my friends. I need all the friends I can get right now.”
“Yeah, well. They’re no friends of your baby. You’ll have to figure it out. And, while I’m on my soapbox, perhaps you should consider seeing Barbara again?”
“Oh I’m way ahead of you. I have an appointment with her next week. I believed Tony and I were in love. I thought our relationship was real. Now I wonder, on some level did I know he’d abandon me again, just when I needed him most?” She held back a sob.
Tara reached for her friend’s hand. “Jackie, everything will be okay. Barbara will help. I hate to mention yet another problem, but have you told your mom?”
“Nope. Not looking forward to that either.”
“Want me to be there for support?”
“Oh, I’d love that. You’re awesome, Tara.”
“Hey, you’d do the same for me. How about I come to dinner tomorrow night?”
“That’s great. What would I do without you?”
*
A chicken and rice casserole was enjoyed by all except Jackie, who was too nervous to eat. The house, quiet after Jackie’s brothers went out with friends, made it seem as good a time as any to spill the earth-shattering news. Tara had brought carrot cake, Lucille’s favorite dessert. Tara and Jackie rehearsed the drill in quiet whispers as they washed and dried the dishes, made coffee, and set the table for dessert.
“You’re on,” Tara nudged.
“Hey Ma, come in the kitchen. Tara brought your favorite dessert.” Jackie glanced at Tara, dreading the conversation to come.
Lucille looked skeptical. “What’s the occasion?”
“Occasion? Uh … nothing really. Just wanted to thank you for dinner, Mrs. Martin. You’re such a wonderful cook.” Tara reached for the knife to cut the cake. “Sit, you’ll love this.”
Slicing pieces of cake, she placed them on dishes before each of them. Jackie lit a cigarette, inhaled, and announced, “Ma, I’m pregnant and I’m having and keeping the baby.” Eyes squinted, she braced for her mother’s reaction. There was none so she went on. “Tony says his ‘involvement will be nil.’
Please
don’t be mad. I can’t handle that right now.”
Lucille took her first bite of cake as if not a word had been spoken. Confused, Jackie glanced at Tara, whose mouth was full of carrot cake. Tara raised her eyebrows and shoulders, telling Jackie that she didn’t know what to make of Lucille’s lack of reaction.
Jackie tapped her mother’s arm. “Ma, did you hear me?”
Lucille cut the next bite of carrot cake with her fork and sipped her coffee.
“Ma,
please
say something.”
“What can I say?” Lucille wiped her mouth with her napkin and looked at Jackie.
“I don’t know. Maybe, that it’s okay?” Jackie mashed her dessert with her fork. A tear dropped onto the table.
“He had us all fooled. So, he’s the jerk we first thought?”
“It seems so,” Jackie admitted.
Tara went for a second helping of cake. “Anyone for seconds?” she asked, hoping to interject distraction into the tense air.
“I’m sorry for that Jackie. You deserve a man as good as your father. I’m disappointed. But I’m your mother. I’ll do what I can for you. But this child is your responsibility and it’s a huge responsibility.”
“Yeah, Ma, I know.”
“Ah, you can’t know until you go through it. Motherhood is a burden, a lot of work and not much appreciation. And, doing it alone … well, believe me, it’s tough.”
“Okay, maybe I don’t know what it’ll be like to be a mother. But I know I have no other choice.”
“What about your job hunting?”
“I’ve put it on hold and signed with a temporary secretarial agency to get some money in as soon as possible. I figure it’ll suffice until I have the baby. I can’t work in a restaurant when I’m nine months pregnant.”
“Then what?”
“My God, I don’t know. I’ll
…
I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”
“I’m sorry for you Jackie. I truly am. Of course you can continue to stay with us if you want. And as I said, I’ll do whatever I can do for you and the baby.”
“That’s great, Ma.”
Lucille kissed Jackie’s forehead, wiped away a fresh tear, and left the room to lick her wounds of disappointment. Jackie and Tara stared at each other for a moment. Jackie sniffled. “She took it better than I thought.”
*
When Jackie’s brothers came home later that evening, Lucille told them about Jackie’s predicament. Vic knocked on her door. Jackie was sitting on the floor, listening to music and crying. She wiped her cheeks on her pajama sleeves. “Come in.”
Vic and Paul sat on her bed. “Hey, Ma told us what’s going on,” Paul said. “We’re pretty pissed off!”
“Yeah,” Vic added. “What the fuck? He had me fooled. I thought he was a good guy.”
“Jackie, we’re going over to his apartment to have a talk with him,” Paul said.
“Really, why?”
“Because we love you and this stinks.” Vic put up his fists. “And I’d like to get one good punch!”
“Oh geez, bailing you guys out of jail won’t help me much.”
“We won’t take it that far,” Paul said. “But we’ll feel better having a conversation with him.”
“Don’t get crazy!”
*
Vic and Paul waited outside Tony’s house until they saw him pull into the driveway and get out of the car.
“Tony, we want to talk to you,” Paul yelled.
Tony waited for them to approach him. “How can I help you, gentlemen?”
Vic’s face reddened with anger. “You know why we’re here. You think you can get our sister pregnant and then walk out on her?”
“That’s not what’s happening. Some relationships run their course and end. That’s what happened.”
“Bullshit,” Paul yelled. “You think we’re stupid? You’re a goddamned coward is what’s happening!”
“I’m not taking this shit from you two. I’m going in the house. If you don’t get off my property, I’ll call the police!”
Paul lurched toward Tony with fists ready. Vic stopped him. “Paul, we promised Jackie. Anyway, this guy’s not worth getting arrested. He’s a piece of shit! Let’s go.”
“You’re a fucking asshole, buddy,” Paul yelled as Vic pulled him away. “I hope you rot in hell!” Paul was red-faced. “Vic, I wanted one good punch. It would’ve been worth getting arrested. We could’ve kicked his ass. The prick!”
October 1977
It felt good seeing Barbara again. They agreed on weekly appointments through the pregnancy. Sometimes she’d tell Barbara that she was sure Tony would return to her, professing his love for her and their baby. Barbara gently guided her to prepare in the event he didn’t. Other times, she’d tell Barbara how forsaken she felt. She’d relive memories of being with him, their conversations; comfort and trust now turned betrayal. She ached for his body, making love as they did so beautifully. Mainly they discussed the reality of his abandonment that dredged the remaining unresolved grief from twelve years ago. Aside from her father, Tony was the only man Jackie let herself grow dependent upon. As with her father’s death, she felt abandoned when she needed him most.
*
Jackie’s family pulled together in support of her decision to keep her baby, but she worried about all the things she’d need. Overwhelmed with emptiness and desperation, she resolved that she had two advantages. The first was her conviction that she was doing the right thing and should have this baby. The second was her belief in God and the goodness of God. With this faith she prayed for a miracle. During a lunchtime break from work, she talked aloud to Him in her car.
“God, I’m scared to death! Take a look at this situation. I have no doubt that
You
want me to have this baby. But let’s take inventory. I have no job, no money, no health insurance, no father for my baby, no husband, nowhere to live, really. So, let’s make a deal. All I can handle is having the baby. You need to take care of the rest. Please God, take care of me and my baby.”
And she turned it over to her higher power.
*
The prank phone calls were annoying. The caller, a whiny female poorly imitating a child’s voice asked, “Is this Mommy?”
Jackie assumed it was a wrong number and told the caller so. The caller laughed. The calls continued. It then occurred to Jackie that the calls were intentional.
I’m pregnant! This person is calling me! Who’d do such a sick thing?
*
Tony called on the day Jackie was officially three months pregnant. He made a weak attempt at small talk. Tired and stressed, Jackie said, “What do you want Tony?”