Once in a Lifetime (33 page)

"I wish I had time to see her this time, but all I have is four days." He felt his heart sink again.

The drive seemed to speed by as they talked and shortly after nine o'clock they reached the school. She knew that Andrew would be in bed, but she wanted to see him, just to cast her eyes on his face, kiss his cheek, touch his hair. She hurried inside, and ran upstairs. He was sound asleep in his bed, and she stood for a long time in his room, looking over him in his bed. It was a long time before she noticed Matt standing in the doorway. She smiled and bent to kiss Andrew's cheek. He stirred but didn't wake, and she went downstairs, with Matthew behind her.

"He looks so good. I think he's grown."

"He has. And you should see him ride the bike you sent him." She smiled and looked up at Matt.

"I feel like I'm missing so much."

"It won't be long, Daff. ..." Their eyes met and held, and suddenly Justin Wakefield no longer seemed real. He seemed part of a distant dream. It was Matthew who seemed real now as he stood before her.

And suddenly in spite of all the promises he'd made himself, Matthew looked at her with searching eyes, and had to ask. "There's someone important in your life out there, Daphne, isn't there?" She hesitated as he felt his heart pound and then, slowly she nodded.

"Yes. There is."

A little child in him wanted to cry, but nothing showed in his eyes except concern for her. "I'm glad for you. You needed that."

"I guess I did." But she wanted to tell him then about her concerns about Justin and Andrew. What if Justin couldn't accept a nonhearing child? But she was afraid to ask. Somehow it seemed out of place to ask him. And then she looked into Matthew's eyes again. "It doesn't change anything here, Matt." He wondered what that meant, but only nodded and opened the door to the little sitting room he had inherited from Mrs. Curtis.

"Do you have time for a cup of coffee, or do you want me to drive you to the inn now?"

"No. I'm wide awake." She glanced at her watch with a smile. "It's only seven o'clock for me." It was ten o'clock at night in New Hampshire though, and the school was very quiet, everyone had gone to bed. "I'd love a cup of coffee with you. It's nice not to be just talking to you on the phone." He smiled at her as he poured her a cup from his constantly brewing pot, and he wondered how serious the affair in California was, and if he was a good man. He hoped so, he hoped that very much, more than she would ever know. He handed her the cup of coffee and they sat down. He kept searching her face for unspoken answers.

She told him then about the making of the movie, the scenes they had already shot, the parts that remained to be made when they went back. "I think next month we'll be going up to Wyoming." The location they had chosen was Jackson Hole, a place Matthew had always longed to see.

"I envy you that." He spoke with a slow, easy smile, his long legs stretched toward the fire. "I hear it's a beautiful place."

"So they tell me." But she wasn't thinking of the movie as they talked, or even of Justin. She wondered if perhaps it was because now she was so close to Andrew. It was a relief not to be three thousand miles away, but right there, just beneath his bedroom. But maybe it wasn't Andrew at all. It was odd how Matthew pushed him from her head, she didn't really understand it, but there was a quality about this man that enveloped her with a sense of safety and well-being and comfort, and a kind of warmth that lulled her. She didn't feel tense or tired or overworked, she just felt peaceful and happy as they sat by the fire. Maybe that was why now she felt so content, and so happy. "What about you, Matt? Will you get away this summer at all?"

"I doubt it. I may join Martha and Jack and the girls for a few days at Lake George. But I'm not sure I can get away from here." He smiled ruefully at her, brushing back a lock of dark hair. "I'm not even sure I want to. I always worry when I leave the kids. Mrs. Curtis said she'd cover for me for a few days if I want to get away, but I don't want to impose on her."

"You should. You need the rest too." She noticed then that his eyes were more tired than when she'd left, and there were fresh lines that hadn't been there before. He looked young, but responsible and mature. It was something she liked about him. He didn't have the smooth, perfect beauty of Justin, but sometimes, constantly staring into that exquisite face grew tiresome. It was staggering how gorgeous the man could look day after day. His physical appearance was like a country without rain or snow, only brilliant sunshine all the time. "It's hard to believe that you've already been here for six months, Matt." Harder still to believe all the things that had happened in her life since then.

But Matthew was laughing softly. "Sometimes it feels more like six years."

She laughed too. "That's how I feel after fourteen hours on the set."

"How's Barbara holding up?" They hadn't met, but he felt he knew her from all that Daphne said. She told him then about her romance with Tom. "Is she liable to get married and stay out there? That would be rough on you." He knew how much Daphne depended on her and had for years.

"I don't know if it's that serious yet." But it was a possibility she had considered too.

And then suddenly he asked her, "What about you?"

Daphne looked puzzled at the question, and then she understood, and she wasn't sure what to answer. She looked at Matthew thoughtfully. "I don't know, Matt." His heart trembled at her words. "I ... it's difficult to explain." She wasn't always sure what she felt for Justin. She loved him, to a certain point, but there was still a great deal she didn't know about him. Even though they were together every hour of every day, she sensed that there were unopened doors that she had yet to discover, and there was still the question of his lack of interest in Andrew. She decided to tell Matt, maybe he could help her handle it better. "I'm not sure about him, Matt. He isn't very interested in getting to know Andrew."

"Give him time. Does he know he's deaf?" She nodded, still looking pensive. "How does he feel about that?"

"He won't admit it, but I think it scares him, and as a result he just pretends that Andrew doesn't exist, forgets his name, makes believe he isn't there...." Her voice drifted off and Matthew shook his head.

"That won't work, Daff. Andrew is too important to you for the man in your life not to share him." He wanted to be fair to her, to give her the best advice he could. "Is that why you didn't bring him out this time-and flew back here yourself instead?"

"Partly, and also I think it would have been too much of a trip for Andrew in only three or four days." Matt had said that much himself on the phone. "But it was because of Justin too." Matthew looked suddenly shocked then. It couldn't be. But of course that made sense. He felt his heart sink as he asked her.

"Justin?"

She blushed, it was embarrassing to admit that she was having an affair with the actor starring in her movie. It sounded so Hollywood, so typical, so unreal, but it was more than that, she knew it. It just so happened that they had met there, and had had a chance to get to know each other because of the film, and the romance had grown as a result.... "Justin Wakefield." Her voice was soft, her eyes bright in the firelight.

"I see. That's quite a catch, Daff." He took a long, slow, deep breath. He hadn't even thought of that. He had assumed it was some ordinary mortal, not the golden god of every woman's dreams. "What's he like?"

She sat and stared into the fire, seeing Justin's face as though he were with them in the room. "Beautiful, of course. Very beautiful, and bright, and funny, and sometimes very kind." And then she looked back at Matthew again, she had to tell him the truth. "And totally self-involved, and often very selfish and unaware of those around him. He's forty-two years old and sometimes he acts more like fifteen. I don't know, Matt, he's a lovely man and at times he makes me very happy ... and at other times it's like talking to someone who doesn't hear you. Like when I talk to him about Andrew, he's just not there." It was why she still called from time to time for comfort, to talk about her son, or other things. It was something she had wondered about often, there were parts of her life that Justin simply didn't relate to. "He's very understanding about my work, which is important to me, he cares about that, but in other ways"--she shook her head--"he just isn't there. I sometimes wonder if it would work." She sighed softly. "And I have to admit that there are times when I'm not sure. It's interesting, he and Barbara absolutely hate each other. She sees a side of him I just don't see, a cold, empty, calculating side she insists is there, but I think she's misreading him. She doesn't know him as well as I do. He isn't calculating, it's just that at times he's unthinking. You can't hate a man for that."

"No, but it could be mighty hard to live with."

"Yes, it could." She had to agree and then she smiled dreamily into the fire. "But sometimes he makes me so happy. He takes away all those awful memories, all that hurt and loneliness I lived with for so long."

"Then maybe it's all worth it."

"Right now I think it is."

He nodded and sighed again. "I figured that there was someone when he answered the phone that time I called." It had only happened once, but he had had a premonition, and she wasn't the kind of woman to indulge in one-night stands. If he answered the phone it was because he lived there and she wasn't afraid to let the world know. "I just didn't imagine that it was him."

"Justin?" He nodded, and she smiled. "Fortunately, the press hasn't devoted too much time to us, an item here and there but not much. But we haven't been anywhere because we've all been working so hard, but one of these days they'll figure out that we're living together and it'll be all over the papers." She didn't look pleased.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Not very happy, and my readers will be shocked, but I guess I'll have to face it sooner or later." They both thought of The Conroy Show she had done months before, and their eyes met. "I really don't want to have to explain it, not until I'm sure." Sure of what? He was terrified of the answer to that one. Maybe she would marry Justin and decide to stay in California. But he had to tell her what he knew, for Andrew's sake, that was his role in her life after all, in spite of the friendship that had grown between them in the past six months.

"If you decide to stay out there, there's a terrific school for Andrew in L.A." He told her about it and she listened, but after a while she began to feel sleepy. She stood up.

"I'm not to that point yet, but if I get there, I'll talk to you about the school." Somehow the thought depressed her. She wasn't ready to think about marrying Justin, and he hadn't mentioned it either, but sooner or later the subject would come up. Eventually she would have to decide if she was going back to New York, or staying in L.A. "Right now, all I have to do is finish the movie. Then I'll think about my own life."

"Do what's best for you, Daff. And for Andrew." His voice was so sad, so gentle, and she suddenly wondered about him. Once or twice she had called and he was out and she had wondered if he had met a woman that he liked, but this didn't seem the time to ask. He walked her to the car and drove her to the inn. They had left her key out on the desk with a note of welcome, and he left her there with a thoughtful smile in his eyes. "I'm glad you flew back to see Andrew."

"So am I, Matt." They said good night and he left, and as she walked upstairs to her room she thought about their conversation and wondered why she felt suddenly so unhappy about Justin. Why couldn't he be more like Matt? Why couldn't he listen to her about Andrew? But maybe in time he would. It was Mart's business, after all, to care about children like Andrew. But there was more to him than that and she knew it. Much, much more.

The visit with Andrew passed all too quickly, he was ecstatic to have her near him, and he rode his bike for her, and showed her his garden, introduced her to his new friends, and bragged about her movie. They took long walks in the sunshine and went back outside after dinner. They were glorious June days, and she felt revived just being near him. It was as though the spirits of her soul had leaked out slowly in the past three months and she hadn't noticed. She had been so busy in California with Justin and the film. But now, once again, she knew how desperately she needed her son, and how important she was to him. He asked her again and again now when he would come back to California, when she was coming home, when they could be together.

He had just gone inside to take his bath after dinner, when Matthew found her, watching the sunset from the comfortable old-fashioned swing.

"May I join you, Daff?" She looked so peaceful and pensive, he hated to break into her thoughts. But he had seen her there and had been irresistibly pulled toward her.

"Sure, Matt." She patted the seat beside her with a smile. "Andrew just went in for his bath."

"I know. I met him on the stairs and he told me you were out here." They exchanged a long, slow smile and the sun disappeared behind a hill in a burst of flame. "It's done him a lot of good to see you. He needs you more again these days. He's turning his attention to the world outside now, and you're a big part of it for him."

"It's done me good too." He could see that now. The worry was gone from her eyes, and her face was relaxed and happy. She looked like a little girl sitting in the swing, in blue jeans and an old sweat shirt, her long blond hair fanned out down her back, and a pale blue ribbon the color of her eyes keeping it off her face. And yet he saw concern in her eyes too, concern for Andrew. "I feel as though I should be here with him, Matt."

"You can't right now. He understands that."

"Does he? I'm not sure I always do." She fell silent and he watched her.

"You look like a little kid today." His eyes were gentle. "No one would suspect you of being a best-selling author." Or the mistress of the movie star who lived in every woman's dreams.

She looked at Matthew happily. "Up here I'm not anyone but me. And Andrew's Mommy." It was an important facet of her life and they both knew it. "I'm going to try and come back soon."

"How soon is that?"

"Either right before or right after Wyoming, depending on what Howard says."

"I hope it's before." And then he had to be honest with her, he almost always was. "Not so much for Andrew's sake, but for me." She looked into his eyes then, and she felt something stir deep inside her. She was never quite sure what she felt for Matt, or if she should even let herself think it over. It was so comfortable the way things were. But it was strange how important he had become to her, how much she needed to know that he was there somewhere, that she could talk to him if she had to. She couldn't imagine life without him now, especially for Andrew's sake, but for her own, too. "You mean a lot to me, Daphne." His voice was husky in the twilight and she nodded, looking into his soft brown eyes.