“Have a good day," Stephanie said as she tucked change into Adam's backpack and closed the small zippered compartment. "I love you."
She gave them each another quick hug, although
Brett ducked out of her embrace. Then the boys
thundered to the front of the house and outside. The
door slammed behind them.
Nash finished his breakfast and poured himself another cup of coffee. Stephanie pushed open the
door to the dining room and watched out the front
window until they were all on the bus.
As she stood there, he remembered his own morn
ings as a child. His mother had always made sure
she was there to fix them breakfast and pack their
lunches. Then she'd walked them out of the house.
The last thing she'd said every school morning
through to his high-school graduation had been that
she loved them each more than she could say and
that they were the best part of her world.
For a while, he had stopped believing her on both
counts. Now, looking back with the hindsight of an
adult, he knew that nothing had changed on her part.
Stephanie returned to the kitchen where she
fussed with dishes, munched on an extra piece of
bacon and fluttered nervously until Nash used his
foot to push out the chair across from his.
“
Have a seat," he said.
She glanced from him to the chair, then sighed.
“Okay. I guess we need to talk about it."
She poured herself a cup of coffee and joined him
at the table.
She looked at him, then away. Color climbed high
on her cheeks, retreated, then returned. Nash figured
it was all up to him.
He decided to start with something easy. "Was my joining you and the boys for breakfast a prob
lem?"
“
What?" She'd been tracing a pattern on the ta
ble. Now she raised her head and stared at him.
"No. Of course not." She smiled. "I thought it was
nice. If you want to plan on joining us for the rest
of your stay, I'll just set an extra place in here, rather than the dining room. It's not a problem at all."
He'd half expected her to ask him why. Why did
he want to join them? Not that he had an answer.
On some level he knew that being around her and
her kids allowed him to forget. Without work to dis
tract him, there was too much time to think. But that
was only one of the reasons. The others all had
something to do with him enjoying her and the boys' company.
“
I'd like that," he said. "So if that's not the is
sue, what is? Last night?" She swallowed, then nodded slowly.
"Issue
isn't
exactly the word I'd use. I thought..." She looked
away. "You're so calm.''
“And you're not?"
“
Isn't it obvious?" She clutched her coffee cup
in both hands. "I just... I guess what I really want
to know is why it happened." Funny, that wasn't his most pressing question.
He knew that she had to be around thirty, maybe
a couple of years older. She was smart, successful,
pretty and sexy as hell. But right now she looked
ready to jump out of her skin with nerves and em
barrassment. Because of him? He would like to
think he got to her that much, but he had a feeling
that might be wishful thinking on his part.
“
You're attractive," he said, wondering if she re
ally didn't know why he'd wanted to kiss her.
"Very attractive and I enjoy your company. I had a
pretty universal male reaction to both of those
facts."
She pressed her lips together and nodded.
"Okay," she said, her voice almost a squeak. She
cleared her throat again. "So you're talking about,
um, you know, interest."
Sex. He was talking about sex. "Interest works,
but only if it's returned."
This time there was no question that she was
blushing. Her cheeks flushed to a bright red and she nearly dropped her coffee cup.
“
I'm not really used to talking to adults," she said in low voice. "Men, I mean. I don't think I
was very good at it before and the lack of practice
has only made me worse."
“
Then we'll take it slow. The conversation, I
mean."
Her eyes widened slightly. "Okay. Well, then I
should probably start at the beginning."
He had no idea what she meant. "The begin
ning?"
“
Yeah. I met Marty my last year of college. I
was so thrilled to be out on my own and not re
sponsible for anyone but myself. I'd dated some, but
hadn't fallen for anyone before. Not like I did with
Marty. Everything was so exciting. Marty..." She
sighed. "He was a few years older. Charming,
funny. He'd switched majors so many times that he
was still a junior after five years of school. I remem
ber thinking that he was so full of life and so inter
ested in me."
She looked at him. "I told you my parents are
artists, but what I didn't tell you was that their art
is the most important thing in their lives. I remember
growing up knowing that no skinned knee, no prob
lem with a friend could ever compete with the per
fect light on the right view. While they painted, I
didn't exist."
“
Marty was different?"
“
I thought so. He focused so intently on me that
I didn't realize I was just the latest in a long line of
fleeting passions. He swept me off my feet and I
married him less than two months later. Within six weeks, I realized I'd married someone just like my parents."
Nash leaned toward her. "In what way?"
“
He wasn't responsible. He wasn't willing to
think about anyone but himself. He didn't care if the
bills got paid on time or if they turned off our elec
tricity. He didn't worry about showing up to work
on time. There were so many other fun things to be
doing. I'm sure a mental health professional
wouldn't be surprised that I'd replaced my parents
with someone exactly like them, but it was a shock
to me. I was devastated."
He wanted to reach across the table and take her
hands
in
his, but he didn't. Instead he sipped his
coffee, then asked, "Why didn't you leave?"
“
I wanted to," she admitted. "I considered my
options, thought about what I wanted and decided
that I wasn't going through that again. But right be
fore I packed up to go, I found out I was pregnant
with Brett."
She moved her cup around on the table. "Marty
was thrilled. He swore everything was going to be
different, and I wanted to believe him. I thought it
would be wrong to take his child away from him, so I stayed. He went from job to job, city to city,
state to state, and we went with him. Every time I
managed to save a few dollars, he spent them on
something crazy like an old beat-up motorcycle or
a weekend of river rafting. I waited for him to grow
up, to realize he had responsibilities. I found creative
ways to make money at home. After a few years, I
told him we couldn't continue that way. I would
homeschool Brett through kindergarten, but if we weren't settled by the time he was in first grade, I
was leaving."
She leaned back in her chair and shrugged. "Brett
was three. That gave Marty another three years to
get his act together. In the meantime, I started taking
night courses whenever I could. Business, mostly. If
I had to leave, I wanted to be prepared. Once Brett
was of school age, I knew I would be able to take
care of us both."
“
Then the twins came along," he said.
“
Another unplanned pregnancy," she agreed.
"Suddenly I had a four-year-old and infant twins.
There wasn't any money. I had to pay the doctor off
in weekly installments. The week I brought the twins home, the city turned off our electricity. It was
hell. Through it all Marty said we'd be just fine. He
kept not showing up for work or quitting. About a
year later, I snapped. I packed up the kids and I left
him. I knew that it would be hard on my own, but
caring for three children was a whole lot easier than caring for four."
If Marty hadn't been dead, Nash would have
found him and beaten his sorry butt into the ground.
“
He followed me and begged me to come back." She looked at Nash, then away. "Brett adored him.
I gave in. I didn't love him anymore, but I felt guilty
for leaving. Isn't that crazy? So I stayed. Then one
day he got a letter from a lawyer. One that said he'd
inherited a bunch of money. I told Marty I wanted
to put it on a house. I thought if we could have that
much security, I could stand the rest. We were passing through Glenwood at the time, so we decided to
buy here. But Marty couldn't just buy a regular
house and own it outright. This monstrosity fit right
into his dream world. I thought it was better than just
blowing the money on a sailboat so we could go
around the world and I agreed. Then he died."
Nash didn't know what to say. "You've done a
hell of a job."
“
I've done my best to think about my boys. I
want them to be happy and secure. I want them to
know they're important to me. None of which is my point."
She squared her shoulders. "I'm thirty-three. I've
been responsible for someone else since I was old
enough to order groceries on the telephone. By the
time I was ten, I was paying all the bills and man
aging the household money. My parents took off for
France
when I was twelve. They were gone for five
months. I was scared to be by myself for that long,
but I got through it. I was the grown-up with Marty
and I'm the grown-up now. My point is, I'm not
looking for another responsibility. I've heard that
men can be partners in some relationships, but I've
never seen it."
Nash heard the words, but he wasn't sure why
she was telling him. He added her parents to the list
of people he would like to have words with, but that didn't help.
“
I'm impressed by how well you've held it all
together," he said.
She nodded. "But you don't know why I'm tell
ing you all this."
“
Right."
She sucked in a breath and stared at the table.
"That kiss last night was pretty incredible. The fact
that you didn't go running screaming from the room
when you saw me this morning tells me that you
maybe didn't mind it too much." He knew this was difficult for her, but he couldn't
help laughing. "You're understating my position,"
he said. "I wanted you. I still want you."
Her mouth formed an "oh" but no sound
emerged. She glanced at him, her eyes wide and
stunned.
“
That's clear," she whispered. "I, ah, appreciate
your honesty. The thing is, I haven't allowed myself
to have a sexual thought since Marty's death. I don't
meet many men, but the ones I do meet either take
off at the thought of a woman with three kids, or
they're too much like Marty and I'm the one running. I don't want a relationship. I don't want to get involved. But..." Her voice trailed off.
Nash leaned toward her. He wasn't sure what di
rection she was heading, but if it was the one he thought...where could he sign up?
“
I thought that part of me was dead," she said.
"It's not."