‘It’s funny, isn’t it?’ Alex said, smiling at them, ‘how much Julian adores him. They couldn’t really be more different.’
‘Oh, I don’t know …’
‘Oh, come on. Okay, same smouldering looks, I’ll grant you, but Jules is so sensitive and sweet and completely selfless, whereas Aidan …’
‘You don’t know him, Alex. There’s a whole history there that you don’t know about.’
Alex rolled her eyes, her expression pained. She’d never admit it but she hated hearing about that history, she hated the fact that she was excluded from a whole chunk of Julian and my friendship. ‘Seriously, when Julian first came out, Aidan was amazing to him. Jules didn’t have the easiest time of it – with his dad, with people at school, but Aidan was always there for him.’
‘So that’s it, is it?’ Alex asked.
‘That’s what?’
‘The reason you like him so much. Because he loves Julian as much as you do.’
‘Well, not the
only
reason …’
‘Yeah, I refer you back to the smouldering good looks.’
‘There’s more to him than that, Alex.’
She cast a suspicious sideways glance at me. ‘Oh god, you’re totally going to sleep with him tonight, aren’t you?
‘Of course I’m not!’ I huffed. ‘I told you, I’m over him.’ Perhaps if I said it often enough, I might convince myself.
We arrived at the Bricklayer’s Arms, scene of our first pint. Alex and I grabbed a table in the corner while the boys got the drinks in.
‘We could always ditch them,’ Alex said to me. ‘You and I can go off and do our own thing. Pick up some exciting new boys for the new millennium. And if you say it isn’t the new millennium one more time, I’m going to smack you.’
‘We’re not abandoning Jules on New Year’s Eve, Alex. Plus, you’ve been looking forward to this thing at Fabric for weeks. And you’re risking hypothermia just so you’ll look good on the podium when we get there.’
‘Just so long as it’s Julian you want to be around,’ Alex whispered as Julian and Aidan approached with the drinks. Gin and tonics for Alex and me, a pint for Julian and something that looked suspiciously like orange juice for Aidan.
‘You planning on driving somewhere later?’ Alex asked.
Julian shook his head ever so slightly.
‘Just pacing myself,’ Aidan replied. I shot Julian a quizzical glance, he shook his head again, mouthing, ‘later’ at me.
We drank our drinks, laughing hysterically while Julian regaled us with tales from the photography studio: the woman who’d brought in her seven cats ‘to sit for a portrait’ (‘I spent four hours literally herding cats.
Literally
.’); the blond teenagers who came in and promptly whipped their tops off (‘practising for page three, innit?’); the lothario from Lahore who came in with a new bride-to-be every other week – the ladies were to be professionally photographed so that he could send the images to his mother back in Pakistan for approval.
It struck me that it was the first time the four of us had ever sat around a table together and had a drink, and it felt so good, it felt
perfect
. I wanted to bottle that moment, to keep it forever: me, sitting at a table in East London, young and happy and drink in hand, with my best friends and Aidan. The man I was over. Completely over.
As we left the pub and headed for the next bar, Julian fell back in step with me, while Alex and Aidan walked ahead, trading teasing insults as they went.
‘What was that about?’ I asked Julian. ‘The orange juice?’
‘Oh, he’s just taking it easy,’ Julian replied, without meeting my eye.
‘Julian,’ I said, taking his arm and turning him to face me, ‘come on. Aidan’s taking it easy? Seriously?’
Julian sighed. ‘He’s on antidepressants. The past year’s been a bit harrowing, apparently. Don’t say anything, he doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. Just … I don’t know. Be nice. And tell Alex not to be too hard on him, okay?’
‘I’m always nice,’ I replied, and Julian put his arm around me and squeezed.
‘I know you are, my darling. I know you are.’
We swapped around again, Julian catching up with Aidan while I hung back with Alex, who was struggling to keep pace in her heels.
‘He was asking lots of questions about you …’ Alex told me as she took my arm.
‘Really?’ I asked, much too eager.
‘Oh yes,’ she replied, raising her eyes to the heavens, ‘you’re
totally
over him.’
‘Piss off,’ I said, giving her a friendly shove. I tried not to take the bait, I really did, but I couldn’t help myself. ‘So, what was he asking?’
‘Oh, you know. How is she, what’s she up to, is she seeing anyone … That kind of thing. I told him you were shagging an investment banker with a big dick.’
‘You did not!’ I shrieked, shoving her again.
‘Well, you did have a one-night stand with that investment banker, and I seem to recall you saying …’
‘All right!’ I cut her off. ‘That’s quite enough of that.’
She giggled. ‘Okay, I didn’t say that, but I did say that you had no shortage of offers.’
I smiled at her. ‘Thank you, Alex. That’s well put.’
‘I still think you should steer clear of him.’
‘I know you do. And I know he hasn’t exactly treated me fantastically in the past, but I can’t help the way I feel …’
‘I thought you said you were over him? I thought you just said you hadn’t forgiven him for last time.’
‘But it’s not
really
his fault I didn’t get a first, is it? And it’s not
actually
his fault I broke up with Stewart. I blame him, because it’s easier to do so, but I was the one who let myself be distracted, I was the one who didn’t work hard enough and I was the one who chose to run off with him the moment he turned up. No one had a gun to my head.’
We’d arrived at the King’s Head, the next pub on our crawl. Alex dropped my arm, turned to face me and gave a sad little smile. ‘One day, you’re going to have to start saying no to him, Nic. Otherwise he’ll just keep turning up, turning your life upside down and then disappearing off into the distance in search of a new adventure. Men like him never stick around, you know.’
I went to the bar to get the drinks. Aidan disappeared off to put something on the jukebox. When I got back to the table, Julian grabbed my arm.
‘Guess what, Nic,’ he said excitedly, ‘Aidan’s here to stay. He’s got a job in London. He’s sticking around this time.’
I looked across at Alex, trying not to smile. She rolled her eyes at me, raised her drink and said: ‘I give up.’
After a couple more drinks we left the pub and weaved our way slowly (painfully, in Alex’s case), southwards towards the Tower of London, and then inched along the river pushing our way through the crowds, taking turns to swig from the bottle of cheap champagne Aidan had purchased from a newsagent on the way. He and I had still barely spoken a word to each other – every time I looked at him, I could sense disapproval radiating from Alex. As surreptitiously as I could, I slipped my hand into Julian’s and pulled him back a little, so that we could walk and talk.
‘Is he really staying?’ I asked.
‘Claims to be. He reckons he’s sick of travelling all the time. Plus his mum, my aunt Sarah, is unwell, so I think he wants to be around.’
‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t be, she’s a miserable old bitch. Hates me. Whenever she speaks to my mum she asks “whether Julian’s still queer”.’ I giggled. ‘Seriously. She sent Mum a pamphlet from some insane church group that claims it can holy ghost the gayness right out of you.’
‘Christ.’
‘Exactly. Also – he didn’t say as much – but I think you might have something to do with it.’
‘To do with what?’ I asked, knowing exactly what he meant. I wanted to hear him say it.
‘To do with Aidan staying here. I’m pretty sure he wants to be with you.’
‘Doubt it. He’s barely even looked at me since he arrived.’
‘That’s because he’s nervous. And feeling guilty. And getting evils from Alex.’
It was true, actually. He did seem nervous. Which was weird – Aidan, nervous and not drinking? Perhaps the two went hand in hand. Whatever the cause, I seemed to be making it worse. Because apart from that hug when we first saw each other in the street, he’d kept his distance from me. He hadn’t been rude, or anything, it wasn’t like he was ignoring me, he just seemed to be addressing either Julian or Alex when he spoke, only really looking at me when I wasn’t looking back. I’d caught him doing it a couple of times in the pub: watching me and then looking away the second I looked up at him. And now, down at the river, he stuck to Julian’s side. It was almost as though he was afraid to be alone with me. I wasn’t sure what to think.
Inevitably, at midnight, as the fireworks went off, something had to give. Aidan took my hand and pulled me towards him, he was saying something but I couldn’t hear him, the noise of the crowd and the pyrotechnics was so loud. He slipped his hand under my chin and bent his head to kiss me; I turned my head and offered him my cheek, then turned away, freeing myself from his grasp, wrapping my arms around Julian instead. My refuge. When I looked over at Aidan again he was watching me, he smiled, but he looked hurt. I don’t know what it was he expected.
Alex, who was, as I had predicted, freezing cold and in pain because her shoes were so uncomfortable, was complaining. ‘That was crap, wasn’t it? Where was the river of fire? I couldn’t even see it. Come on, I’m freezing. I want to be in the VIP area sitting on someone’s lap. Let’s go clubbing.’ She turned to Aidan and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Catch you later, maybe,’ she said, grabbing my hand and starting off towards the tube.
‘Alex, we can’t just leave him here,’ I protested.
‘Yes we can. He’ll be fine. I’m sure he’ll find some way to amuse himself.’
‘Alex …’ I glanced over my shoulder. Julian was saying something to Aidan, Aidan was shaking his head in reply.
‘No, no, you go on,’ I heard him say.
‘Nic,’ Jules called out to me. ‘You girls go to the club. I’m going to hang on with Aidan for a bit longer.’
‘No!’ Alex and I both replied in chorus.
‘This is ridiculous,’ Alex muttered. ‘We had plans. He can’t just turn up and—’
‘Alex, be nice. Listen – you two go to Fabric. You and Julian. You’re the ones who wanted to go clubbing. I don’t even like clubbing.’ Julian looked doubtful, Alex pouted. ‘You know I don’t like clubbing, Alex.’
‘I’m think I should just get going …’ Aidan said.
‘Yes, go on. Fuck off,’ Alex said, and we all started to laugh.
In the end we decided that Julian and Alex would go clubbing, while Aidan and I would ‘hang out and catch up’. Aidan promised he’d make sure I got home safely. The four of us walked together as far as Tower Hill tube, then Julian and Alex descended into the station, while Aidan and I stood outside, just looking at each other, not sure what to say, buffeted by the crowds. After a moment or two of awkward silence, Aidan slipped his hand into mine and led me back down to the river.
‘Let’s just walk,’ he said. ‘Shall we walk?
For a while we walked in silence, hand in hand, against the mercifully thinning crowds. By the time we were level with London Bridge, a fog had descended, obscuring the remaining people. I was transported back to the beach three years ago, I had the same feeling of isolation, as though Aidan and I were all alone in the world.
‘So, which do you prefer?’ I asked him. ‘The banks of the river Thames in freezing, foggy London, or Clifton Beach in Cape Town?’
‘No question,’ he replied, ‘South Africa all the way.’
‘Oh, I don’t know, this fog is quite atmospheric, in a Gothic sort of way. You feel as though Jack the Ripper could leap out at any moment.
‘Delightful.’
‘You’re all right. You don’t look much like a hooker.’
‘Good thing Alex went clubbing, though.’
‘Oi!’ I said, giving him a playful punch on the arm. ‘But seriously, are you really sure you want to come back to England? Aren’t you going to miss all the sunshine and the adventure?’
‘The sunshine I’ll miss. The adventure, not so much.’
‘Are you okay, Aidan?’
‘I’m knackered, Nic. I’m completely and utterly exhausted. And I’ve been offered a good job – assistant director of documentaries and features at Cannon TV. I’m actually going to be earning a living wage for the first time in my life.’
‘That’s brilliant, Aidan. I’m just, well, a bit surprised, I suppose. Can’t quite picture you sitting behind a desk all day.’
He puffed out his cheeks and sighed. ‘You know what? I’m looking forward to sitting behind a desk. I’ve just … had enough, you know? Since I left Kinshasa, I’ve never drunk so much in all my life. For weeks I couldn’t sleep unless I drank enough to make myself pass out …’
‘Jesus, Aidan. I’m sorry.’ He slipped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer.
‘It was awful. I can’t explain it. I’ve been in some shitty places, but the Congo was just … soul destroying. You wouldn’t believe it, Nicole, you wouldn’t believe what’s been happening there … I mean, you should believe it, because we’re out there reporting it, but you know what it’s like. The wholesale rape and slaughter of women and children somewhere in the middle of the jungle doesn’t sit so well on the front pages as Kosovo or the euro or Y2-fucking-K, does it? No one gives a shit.’