Authors: Gillian Crook
Alec, no doubt even saw the heading on the full front page of the local Plymund Newspaper with the words ‘GIRL TAKES NEAR-FATAL PLUNGE OFF ROCKS AT 40 FT’
He would never have known that
that girl
was ME!!
Its so-so, sad reading this part of my story, because it really makes my heart feel very, VERY, heavy and I don’t often cry, but I do, when I stop to think for too long what happened, because I do miss them, even, though I only knew them for those few days, I say ‘them’ because I mean ‘Shadow’ as well. I think Alec could have been my ‘last chance’ for true love… que sera sera, whatever will be will be, in the words of the great song… I will just have to wait to see what happens now, because, my destiny is in the ‘lap of the Gods’!!!
Now, when everyone thinks I am so bubbly and I have ‘taken the accident so well’, they have no idea how I ‘pang’ for Alec when I think about what could have been a ‘very different’ life for me with him and shadow… there is a saying ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’, well, why the hell didn’t fate just let me die, I’ve lost enough? . . . . I wonder that sometimes… .
Well, well, since my last piece of writing, things can seem quite sad when you reminisce, but I suppose that, if at the time, it was good memories, that even maybe ended badly or sadly, it is sometimes good to look back. I wish there was an in-between, a middle of the road… instead of just good, or just bad… I tend to take things to extremes, e.g. I was so, so happy with Alec and Shadow and that was a time in my life I loved and enjoyed… only for it to be so cruelly taken away from me, but then, when things are ‘bad’ for me, they are really bad, like when I ‘have a drink’ and drink to excess, which has become an addiction. I took that to the extreme and ended up losing almost everything that was precious to me, including my family, but I was lucky that they stuck by me through everything, even though at times, my life had reached such gutter levels, I’m surprised I ever got through them; it was also the debris, I left behind and when my life was hanging on the balance, due to drink, everyone that loved or cared for me was going through the hell to a certain extent as well. When it comes to unconditional love, my children are the epitome of that love. That’s the examples of things going from one ‘good’ end of the spectrum to the ‘bad’. I would be happy with middle-of the-road; I have no elusions of grandeur, and I also, don’t want my life to be an unadulterated mess… just, happiness would be great, happiness in being content…
Well, yesterday, Irene, the dour nurse, took things too seriously and went to the ward nurse and complained that the menus had been sabotaged, boo hoo, and, then because, in the morning I had complained to her that she hadn’t washed my hair, and that was patient neglect… she took that to the ward nurse and said she felt that she had been neglecting a patient, thinking I was going to complain, and got there first… silly cow. I was only winding her up… . if she had read her notes, she would have seen that because of my stitches, I was only supposed to have my hair washed once a week! Oh dear, she took that too far, and ended up shooting herself in the foot. Now they have moved her to another ward where they hope she will be able to cope with less patients… oh dear, it was only a joke, and a shame she didn’t have a sense of humour! I feel quite bad about it now… . especially as, before she left she came and apologised… bless!
Anyway, the irony was, I was informed from the staff nurse that tomorrow I will be moving to another rehab unit. Now, that’s good news, they think I am ready to start dealing with a few harder things, other than just pulling a few weights, although, I’m not sure what else I can really do, stuck in this bed. They also think I am mentally stronger… so instead of ‘hallucigenic’ it’s ‘hallelujah’, so m aybe I’m not really losing my marbles. I am in so much pain and sore, and have that dreaded tight ‘corset’ effect. I really need stronger painkillers, but I don’t want stronger meds if I start hallucinating again, because I couldn’t go through anything like that hell again… ever!
I hope my book is not becoming too pessimistic or boring, because I know I can be cynical, and I’m worried that my cynicism has increased tenfold since my accident, but it is early days and in the words of the song `Things Can only get better?` . . . sing-along now!!
Oh, just for the record, I did see the lovely MR MACKENZIE, and true to form, he apologised profusely for promising me this and promising me that and not keeping to his promises blah, blah… . I stopped him there… and I told him that I wasn’t disappointed when he didn’t turn up because, . . . I was expecting a disappointment, and if I hadn’t been disappointed, . . . I would have been disappointed… comprende?!! . . . Keep up!! Anyway, at least I did realise that I had in the past had feelings for him, and I’m comfortable with that, rather than me thinking it was anything deeper, to be honest, I was thinking I would have immediately thought I loved him, because I thought I did—oh God, this book is starting to make no sense at all!) . . . because what would it be like for him if he thought that I fancied him? Then… he would have to think about how to make love to a cripple that couldn’t use her legs… sorry, but for me I prefer not to have those type of feelings anymore… in fact, the last time I had those deep loving feelings and love-making was wonderful, was the last few days I spent with Alec—he was loving and gentle and kind and sincere, and I want to remember that memory, rather than try to think of me being with anyone now in a awkward, embarrasing, sexual manner… in fact, FEELINGS per say, are going to be a problem, because when I start to feel certain things now, that wouldn’t have been a problem before the accident, it is easier for the moment that FEELINGS are off the radar, except for the love I have for my children which is a special love and I am now going to have to be content with that love, and that will not be hard, because for me that is the greatest love of all, and the thought of ‘falling in love’ now is never going to happen again. And I have resigned myself to that fact. So, in a nutshell, the lovely Mr Mackenzie has no worries from that point of view… . anyway, my old buddy was rushing to get down to Carlisle and had to go… but, we did have a good catch up and he left with the promise that he would definately phone and he would be in to see me very soon, on his way back from Carlisle… yeah ok Simon, whatever you say mate… promises, promises!! Anyway, no sooner was he out the door, my Casey phoned, and when I told her that Simon had just left… there was a silence from the line, and then she said very seriously ‘mum, do you love him?’ I couldn’t believe it because before Simon’s visit I thought I did; so there was a telepathy thing going on there. It’s happened before with me and Casey. Anyway I answered her honestly and said ‘I thought I did’ and ‘yes’ she was right to a point, but then I explained the situation to her. So we got talking for quite a while and I mentioned about my ‘feelings’, and she said just to ‘switch off’ certain feelings that are too hard to deal with at the moment, like worrying about other people, worrying about sex! and to just concentrate on putting all my energy into getting better and stronger and my rehab. My God, I love that girl, and she knows me so well… after we said our ‘long’ goodbyes when neither one of us wants to put the phone down first!
Then I had to put the phone down first as there was a call for me on the the other line. When I eventually got the other phone, the person at the other end had gone, and that’s what irritates me about these damn phones. I wish I had that flippin mobile phone that I had been promised. Then, two of the nurses came to the bed and said they had been instructed by the physio that I should be sitting up at a 45 degree angle. Well, they were pulling me up one way, pushing me down another, lifting me up again, shuffling me from side to side, and basically getting nowhere. I was in total agony and then, there was a huge dispute as to the position of a 45 degree angle… . get a friggin grip! Eventually, I was saved by the bell when the phone went again and this time it was the last caller that was on the line, oh yes, the one who put the phone down after me struggling to get to it. Anyway, I was not happy and when I picked up the phone it was mum. I was soo crabby to mum and started to complain and moan, and get on to her for putting the phone down. I vented all my frustration in her direction, because I knew that she would take it and she was the first one to shout at! Oh God, I didn’t mean to hurt mum. As usual, she understood and quickly changed the subject away from my injuries and my discomfort and turned the conversation round. I think I was also still a bit frustrated about Simon, for some reason, and about actually feeling slightly awkward and uncomfortable when he was here, so, at the end of the conversation we were fine and mum
had
cheered me up and we said ‘bye love you’. In the end I felt horrible and really, really, really sorry, so sorry mum. I will call her tomorrow and apologise properly. OH God, I hate myself now and I feel like a big FAT, FAT, PIG, PIG, and I’m going to write it all down so I can see for future reference what the pig has had to eat for 2 days;
READY, GO; 1 bowl of rice crispies, 1 bowl of 2 weetabix, half a pint of milk, 3 cups of tea with milk, carton of orange juice, white roll, flora, marmalade, 1 spring roll, 2 jellies, 8 chocolate éclairs, scotch pie\salad\pots, 2 cream crackers and cheese, 1 scone and apricot jam 4 more éclairs!!!
So, as for the ‘Shamu Syndrome’ (the whale), and that stand-in, or should I say swim-in, position I was after… . they will now refuse me for the part on the grounds that I AM
TOO
FAT!!
Here’s the irony, I have been told that I have to start putting on weight, or no, not necessarily put on weight, but I have been told, that because of the wound I need to eat to nourish the body, and when the body is nourished, the healthier my insides, and the healthy eating helps the wounded tissue to heal. So, if I HAVE to nourish my body, I need to get my jaws wired or a gastric band fitted, and not eat, just use a liquid meal supplement that could be administered through a drip, like the patients who can’t feed themselves. It’s not the dietician I need to see, it’s the plastic surgeon!! Or someone like that!! Yeah, the body could do with a make-over as well!! Actually, if I do lose weight and get lighter it might help me walk sooner or even get into my wheelchair easier… . they have said CATEGORICALLY, NO TO THE WHEELCHAIR FOR THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE!
God, please please look after all the people I love, and make mum see that I didn’t mean to be such a crabby cow on the phone… and please help me to lose weight, but eat more to heal the wound. I’m talking to the right person for a miracle, I’m sure you don’t mind my ‘cheeky’ humour, do you God? Also, can you look after and say sorry to all the people I have pissed off in the last 2 months… . sorry, I know that’s a lot to ask, nite nite to everyone, and as usual my beautiful kids, and forgive Simon for constantly lying to make me feel better.
Another day, another dollar… I wish… actually I have not got one clue about my finances, but whatever they are, they are going to have to wait, because I am somewhat pre-occupied with other things to worry about. Well, I have just woken up and I feel, fat, bloated, and I thought fish didn’t sleep, I’m sure I read that somewhere and I now have not only got the ‘Shamu Syndrome’, I now have the ‘beached whale’ syndrome to deal with as well. I wasn’t going to eat and I did; my pills and food seem to want to make me eat more and then I eat and eat and eat and can’t stop and I even eat the hospital food that I hate… oh God it’s really bad, . . . at the moment I feel sluggish, bloated, lethargic, pissed off, sore, swollen, numb, useless and I really need stronger painkillers to SEDATE me until the soreness goes away and the wound on my bum is healed… Although if that happened, I think, I would be sedated for a long, long time!!!
I really feel a liquid diet coming on, and not the kind I’m used to. Things are getting so serious for me… last night, I finished all my sweets DELIBERATELY—I HASTEN TO ADD, so that they would all be finished, and I wouldn’t be able to eat them today, but trust me, the first visitor will no doubt bring in a load of sweets, and if they don’t I will ‘crave’ sweets and just have to go to the vending machine… oh god, where’s the logic in that—eat all my sweets THE NIGHT BEFORE and finish the WHOLE pack, ENJOY, then they are finished, so that I CANNOT eat them TODAY! But, I can get hold of sweets the next day if I really want… . Yeah, if I really believed my little ‘theory’ was going to work, then I think the docs seriously have to re-examine the damage to my head!!!
I know what to do, I am going to have to ask them, SERIOUSLY, to put me on a ‘liquid diet’, . . . one that gives you all the correct amount of calories and vitamins in it that I need to heal my bum. I will ask the nurse to speak to the ‘powers that be’ to put the liquid diet into effect, and sanctioned by my ‘good self’ . . . well why not, I never get to see the damn dietician… you know, they really don’t know that I am serious… in fact I’m so serious, I really do have to do it for my state of mind, cause HEALTHY IN BODY AND HEALTHY IN MIND—well, mentally I have to be in tune, and when I was younger, I missed out in part of my college course year to go into hospital because of anorexia and bulimia (another story), so I have always had issues around food, and to be honest, I don’t think these issues EVER go away!!!
The thing is, everyone moans about weight going on to their bums, but surely there can’t be any weight going on, on mine, because it is so so so squashed, there is no room for expansion. It will be going on my tummy and thighs, and I must make sure my ‘pins’, don’t look too fat, because they have to be in shape for when I WALK AGAIN!!
It’s a boring day, but it’s also a state of mind, I have to remember my POSITIVE, MENTAL, ATTITUDE!! I need to breathe, that’s Positive; Take a look inside my head and that’s Mental; and boy, oh boy, can I give Attitude, or what—plenty PMA!
You know, Paula called today regarding the housing situation, and I really don’t think I want to go to the Fort?! . . . also, today Mr Templar and Dr Didn’t, came round just to have a general ‘off the cuff’ visit, and as usual never gave me anything positive… still, I don’t know which parts of me are paralysed, but I don’t care (not true), . . . I will carry on trying to wiggle those toes!