Authors: Gillian Crook
I thought it was yesterday when I woke up, Wednesday meant nothing to me but Thursday I suppose does because they told me that’s today. Eventually spoke to Barry and kids and my mum… oh god, I miss them. I cried today. I think all this is starting to get to me…
I just woke up after having dreamt something weird, I found someone (Barry lookalike) having an affair… I’m really confused… sorry, but I’m so sore and really emotional and there is no-one I can talk to or want to… I don’t know if I have ever felt like this… silly cow, of course I haven’t… its not everyday, you wake up in a strange hospital, with strange people (and a dwarf), part of your anatomy useless to you and pretty soon only have half an arse if it’s that BAD! And my life hanging on a shred both physically, emotionally and financially—oh god, money… who cares… as long as it covers the funeral costs… wouldn’t want to be tooo much of a financial burden on Barry, of course—he’s probably got life insurance on me anyhow!! I don’t really mean that entirely, well I do, but… I wouldn’t want the kids to think I would ever intentionally leave them… (except for the dreaded amber nectar that has nearly killed me!). Please god, let them forgive me for the time I haven’t spent with them when I should have… I have never stopped loving my beautiful kids and my hubby, who must have good genes or summit, because he gave me two cracking kids! I’m not ‘in love’ with their dad anymore, but I do ‘love’ him, not always of course, because he can be the most annoying, arrogant and obstinate bastard; but aren’t we all like that! Sometimes!? AND he’s a man!
I’m gonna sign off now… I’m tired and I want to remember the good times and try to dream about my kids… so if I think hard enough I might dream about them… it might take away the pain. I don’t know why the pains soo bad, it makes me tired and stops me writing so much, so when I do write it sometimes get muddled up, so I hope your keeping up, . . . whoever or anyone out there who cares. I’ve just noticed that I talk about my dreams a lot, so if I write it down wrong, especially when I’m tired, it might look like ‘drams’, so don’t be thinking I’m dreaming about ‘whisky’ and having a ‘wee dram’!! Oh god, I couldn’t handle anything like that at the mo anyway… well, maybe… joking! Sorry if this is all sounds jumbled, but I’m sure when I’m not so confused, I will be able to talk properly… byee… I don’t know what I’m doing…
Friday 10th October
Sat 11th October
Well, all the days seem to be running into each other… I think I’m feeling better… met a really nice nurse called Marie, someone said she is an auxiliary, but ‘nurse’ suits me fine. Whatever, she does a much a better job than Dr Didn’t! I’ve been waiting to hear from Barry… I’m sure he told me that he was coming today… how can he… Saturday… oh God, I hope he doesn’t let me down… though saying that, Barry wouldn’t say he was doing something unless he was. That’s the one thing about him; he is pretty reliable to the point of being irritatingly precise and his timekeeping to the minute; one thing that used to drive him mad with me… my timekeeping is crap, and I’m always rushing at the last minute, no matter how much notice I’ve had to get ready! Anyway, my kids are soo wonderful and they always make me feel better.
This writing is actually getting so hard to distinguish, it’s becoming nothing other than scroll… . I don’t know if I will even be able to read this back, if I ever want to that is. Mum and Paula arrived; I didn’t even know they were coming, or did I? I don’t really remember, but we did have a lovely time. Mum is so great, as always, and I’m sure Paula is mellowing with age.
Robbie, Paula’s ex-hubby arrived somewhere in the midst, why has he come to see me? Don’t get me wrong it was good to see him, I just wasn’t expecting him.
Why is it that I am so tired, and when I wake up, sometimes I don’t even realise it, but it’s another day? It’s not even as if my days are that boring… when I’m like this I’m ok; my writing is really bad, small and wiry, if that makes
any
sense, if anything makes any sense at the moment… I wonder if my medication needs looked at. I just take what they give me and hope for the best… there are so many places in pain and soo bad I think that’s why I sleep so much, Marie (she’s going to be a friend I think as well as a nurse… well Aux), takes my mind off it by talking to me a lot, and one of the other Auxs, David, is really funny, he’s like a smaller, shorter (if that’s possible) version of Phil out of Eastenders. The two of them are like a double act and they ‘entertain’ me as well, the funny thing is that I don’t even think they know how funny they are… either that or I’m just easily amused! The amount of drugs I’m on, anything’s possible. Dr Didn’t actually told me that, actually it wasn’t him, it was Marie who told me that maybe the reason I sleep so much could possibly be that, when my body is in so much pain I don’t feel it when I’m sleeping and it’s part of my bodies way of dealing with it?, makes sense I suppose; cause as soon as I wake that’s when I start whinging how `shit` and sore I feel. Gee, I must be a real lil ray of sunshine to be around!
It was amazing, Barry and the kids walked in and I was so pleased to see them, I love them so much and have missed them. It’s only the second time they have seen me and I’m nearly knocked out on the meds and in Derry (which seems a million miles away from here) I was as well… still it didn’t matter they are just so grown up about all this.Their mum has lost her legs, well sort of, and they are dealing with it really well, no crying (out loud anyway), or dramatics… no doubt, I can thank their dad for that, at least he can take the credit for helping the kids deal with this. I think the other thing is, is that the kids haven’t seen a hospital ward that has had so many different kinds of people that have been in accidents where they have parts of their bodies paralysed, and are in such a bad way AND YOUNG…
I had a superb time with them and they left about 9. I’m gonna have to stop I think cause I’m drifting in and out of sleep and I won’t be able to read my writing when I want to read this back and I want to be able to cause I want to remember the time with my kids (if any of that makes sense when I read it back I’m gonna eat one of my `bandanas` no. not bananas!). Oh, I love the kids to bits.
Oh, I think I’m falling down; I think its something to do with the pills—I’m not sure? I think my memory is going…
Well, yes needless say, I dropped the book in the water when I was washing, or at least I was being helped at the time and it fell off the table… these hospital tables are a pain, they are far too small for everything to fit… So, no I wasn’t trying to do two things at once and it wasn’t actually the table it fell off, it was the telly (that’s on the table!). Just thought I would clear up that little discrepancy!
When mum and Paula came in they met with Barry and the kids; shame it takes my accident to get them all together. So, whilst I can still remember… (I’m sure that accident affected my brain—either that or it’s always been like this and I just haven’t noticed) . . . so, we had a good time, they were all ‘pleasant’ to each other… oh god, I’m wicked, but I really felt like stirring it, cause it would have been soo easy to wind Barry and Paula up—against each other… NO! don’t do it!
I used to compare my family dramas to something off Eastenders’, where everyone talks over each other, every family gossips about each other, and argues with each other, in a more ‘unruly’ Question Time way, and our kitchen in St Anns (the big family house), could be the Queen Vic!! Maybe if I ever do anything with my book I could write a story based on, ‘St Anns—v—The Queen Vic’, and it could be an amalgamation of the two called, ‘Queen Anns’! Well, that would be something else. All will become clear when the rest of the family come into the equation—(that is if any of them come to see me here)! Why I am so cynical—just wait and see… . I’m being unkind, I love em’ really!
Barry and the kids had to go back to the hotel, so I said cheerio and gave them massive hugs (not Barry, of course, Shonah, his ‘girlfriend’ would have kittens instead of a baby), talking of which I wonder how the ‘girlfriend’ is doing… no doubt, blooming… blooming friggin devious. I
swear
she ‘trapped’ Barry into that situation, sorry god, if I am wrong—strike me down dead! Ouch, what was that? Nothing—I’m still alive and not burnt to a crisp! I know it takes two to tango, but one of the people ‘tangoing’ was supposed to be on the pill, and, according to Barry (oh goodness, I feel like I’m gossiping to my book), they don’t ‘do it’ that often… hee hee (miaow) . . . so, he must have been ‘firing on all cylinders’ the day that happened… . My words, by the way, not his!!
Woke up feeling good… feeling goood… feeling sore, but feeling goood… if I saw the kids walking in every day, every day would be a case of feeling good!! Barry was there too, of course! Actually me and Barry seem quite close at the moment, and I don’t think the family understand? As you’ve probably guessed, the family and Barry tend to ‘clash’ at times—they’re all bossy and always have to be right! Then talk of the devil, and, yes literally she’s ‘sure to appear’ well, walk in… maybe not quite Lucy-ifer, but close… and, mum was there too. It was soo great to have them all with me, (and I honestly mean that—when they’re not nit-picking with each other), but I get really tired and sometimes I wander off and start talking about something totally different to what we are talking about at the time, then sometimes I get dizzy and I feel like I’m on that ceiling again, like it felt in Derriford, or when I think I’m lying flat when I’m sitting up, or when I start to slide sideways when I’m lying flat… . back to reality… I had to say goodbye to Barry and the kids cause they had to go. Oh, I hate the thought of them having to travel all the way back to Berrytown, not knowing when I am going to see them again! In a way it’s good that I’ve got mum and Paula here to keep my crazy mind occupied. Had some tea with mum and Paula and then they had to leave… I must have been tired because I started drifting on and off… .
. . . I feel like I haven’t written this book properly for at least ‘God knows’ how many weeks… weeks? (exaggeration?) I have been through absolute hell… my body, what’s left of it to feel, is sore, beaten, bruised, and broken and the mind is on another planet at times and not always a very nice planet, actually one that you could only imagine in your worst nightmares.
The part of my body that doesn’t function any more, still gets so painful and it sometimes twitches and my legs jump up, this is spasms apparently, (poor kids thought that my legs were moving like normal legs, and at first I did to). I wanted to know more about these spasms because it wasn’t fair on the kids to let them keep thinking my legs are moving by themselves, so when I asked the doctor I was told (I hope I copied this down right). ‘Neuropathy’ means disease of the nerve endings, which by adding to the paralysis from the severed spine, can lead to a ‘pins and needles’ effect to the legs and torso area which causes the legs to twitch, jump and shake, sometimes uncontrollably. In time they can sort out the medication that suits the specific person, but spasms can differ from one person to another. Quite often though, there is no explanation for neuropathy pain, but I hope the bloody medication they’ve given me works, because these ‘spasms’ are sooo sore. It’s like cramps that you get at the back of your legs and feet, but these ‘cramps’ are through the whole body. Also, the tightness around my ribs where that imaginary corset is, makes me feel sore and breathless, like the life is being sucked out of me.
I have been fighting and arguing with people, bitching, being rude and cheeky and sometimes arrogant and downright ugly as a person… it’s all so unlike me!! Help! . . . I’m turning into a grumpy old cow!!
Had a good nights sleep, I think, rolled over and fell asleep again. I’m getting into some weird positions and the head is pretty weird as well!! Oh God, the pain in my bum is sore, sore, bad, bad and getting worse. I can’t understand all this… help, I don’t understand what’s going on, and it’s probably quite simple and I’m just being a dozy mare!! Oh crikey, Paula and mum just came in and I thought they had gone home? mmh? I can’t write any more for a moment.
Why would Paula tell the nurse I’m vegetarian… I’m sure that’s what she said? . . .
I’m confused…
Anyway, nearly fell out with Paula over a comment she made about Barry… so, I told her to ‘piss off’, ‘nicely’, of course (if that’s possible)! Mum intervened… we made up and then they had to go. I must stop wasting precious time getting upset and angry… Getting tired… AGAIN!! Tomorrow I am carrying on seriously with my book! So, please god, help me be nicer as a person, albeit a paralysed person, because the latter is definitely grumpier, and I do love Paula, so nite nite to mum and Barry and the Kids, and everyone I have been nasty too… It’s really NOT me.
I woke up early and decided not to go back to sleep… I am gonna fight it and I’m gonna win! I think I have been sleeping too much lately. Marie, nurse came in, and that cheered me up, she got me into the shower, and I was aching and in soo much pain. The physio, with the help of Marie, put me on something that looked like a ‘lilo’ on wheels?? It was quite funny actually, if there had been some sand and a bit of sun, and me with my shades, I could have pretended I was on the beach! God knows, I’ve been everywhere else lately, why not the beach, maybe somewhere like the Carribbean, or (I’ll settle for), Blackpool (I’m not too fussy—anywhere out of here)? Just anything, summit nice for a change… anyway, washed my upper body but didn’t touch the lower parts or my hair (the stitches in my head that I forgot about actually, are hurting, but due to too much pain everywhere else what’s a little migraine gonna do?). I haven’t touched the part of my body that doesn’t move anymore by itself… it gives me shivers, and goosebumps and it feels too weird to even think about. Imagine carrying about limbs that don’t even work… why not just take them off and it saves having to wash them. I HATE having legs that do nothing but GET IN THE WAY and are SO HEAVY!