One Voice 02 - Here Without You (21 page)

I didn’t want to let Nate out of my sight for as much as a minute. So I led him into the bathroom, and I just didn’t leave. Casey didn’t turn to head out the door either. I turned on the shower, felt the water a few times with my hand to set it at the perfect temperature, and grabbed a clean towel off the shelf. Then I stood there. Right beside Casey. We watched as Nate began to unbutton.

His fingers weren’t working very well, probably too frozen for too long to have their full coordination back. So Casey stepped forward and asked, “May I help you?”

Dropping his hands to his sides, Nate nodded and uttered a muffled, “Thanks.”

I watched as Casey slowly undressed Nate, first unbuttoning and removing his shirt, revealing a bony chest, and then moving to his pants. As I’d suspected, Nate wore no underwear, so when Casey slid his pants down and pulled them off, along with his unlaced boots, he was completely naked. He made no attempt to cover himself. As soon as he was naked, he just stepped into the shower.

Casey nudged me and whispered, “What’s up with Nate? He’s so
different
.”

I shrugged.

“Are we back together now?” Casey looked so hopeful.

But I shrugged again. I had no idea what we were. “Let’s just take things moment by moment, ’kay?” I reached my arm around Casey and pulled him against me, knowing he needed it. We stood like statues until Nate turned the water off. I offered him a towel before he had to ask for one. He stood inside the shower for a few minutes, toweling off, before he stepped out with the towel wrapped around his waist.

Nate didn’t seem embarrassed or uncomfortable and not nearly as awkward as me and Casey. Finally he asked, “Can we go to bed?”

Casey voiced my question. “We?”

“Uh-huh.” It was that simple. “Got an extra toothbrush I can use?”

After I found Nate a new toothbrush in the back of the linen closet, we all took turns in the bathroom, answering nature’s call, brushing our teeth and stuff. Then we were off to my bedroom. I pushed back the bedspread, and Nate tried to scoot up against the wall. I grabbed him by the arm and stopped him in the middle of my double bed. Casey sort of automatically knew what to do. We were like some kind of a loving-Nate tag team. He climbed right over Nate, and I got in on the edge of the bed. We put Nate in the middle. We wanted him between us, where we could both touch him and hold him and let him know we were there for him. Okay, okay—so
we
could know he was really there with us.

Nate lay flat on his back staring at the ceiling, totally detached. I had about a million questions for him, and knowing Casey, he probably had two million questions. But this was enough for now.

I was glad that, at this point, Casey took charge. He pulled Nate onto his side and threw his arms around his neck, pressing his face to Nate’s chest. I watched to see if Nate would reach around to hold Casey too, but he didn’t.

I didn’t let that hold me back from wrapping one arm around his shoulder and the other around his hip. I also didn’t let the feeling of his newly protruding hipbone, which was poking uncomfortably into my arm, prevent me from embracing him. Casey and I continued to act as the tag team, clearly on the same page. We rubbed his chest, his shoulders, and his arms. We snuggled against him, placing our still-clothed bodies against his bare skin, our faces against his chest and back.

But neither of us kissed him. We were there as his friends, not his lovers. We were there to support him, not seduce him.

After about an hour of clasping Nate to our hearts, he started to cry. I don’t know how I knew he was crying. His chest wasn’t racked with sobs. He made no noise. I just knew. And I was sure that Casey knew too.

An occasional sniff, a muffled whimper, a couple of staggered breaths. Those were the only clues we had.

“We love you, Nate.” Casey’s sweet voice rang out in the darkness. “Just know that we still love you.”

Nate froze, as if he were waiting for something.

So I delivered. “We never forgot about you for a second. We missed you and we waited for you and… we’re still waiting.”

That was when Nate let loose with the sobs. I’d never seen someone cry so desperately. Like he was brokenhearted. Or maybe just broken.

He began to speak between the thick sound of sobs. “Cindy… and Uncle Rich… I don’t deserve love… gonna fuck it up with you too… all alone…
should
be alone… loser… no job… no life… thought I died… was glad of it too.”

It had all caught up with him. Nate’s life of fear, pain, and tragedy had caught up to him at that very moment, as we held him between us.

“You are a precious gem to us, Nate.” Casey’s voice was sweet and sincere. “It doesn’t matter how anyone else—or how the world at large—sees you, sweetheart. You are a precious gem in our eyes.”

At hearing those perfect words, I cried too. I couldn’t help it.

“Can… can I….” He tried, but he couldn’t spit out his question.

“Can you what, Nate?” Casey was holding himself together, and for that I was thankful.

“C-can I c-come back to you guys?”

That’s when Casey let himself cry too.

The three of us, smashed together on the very center of my double bed like too many kittens in a too-small basket, bawled like babies.

“Yeah, man. Yeah, we want you back.” I choked out my consent.

“You were always ours, Nate. You were
always
part of us,” Casey said, sounding more composed than either me or Nate.

“I missed ya so bad… fuckin’ missed bein’ us three… wanna be back….”

“You never left, dude. Our hearts… in our hearts you never left.” I said it twice, in different ways, so there was no way he could miss it.

It took a good long while, but in time we got on the same page.

“I love you—my best friends, and brothers, and lovers.”

“I’m never gonna stop loving you dudes either.”

“Lovin’ ya… lovin’ ya so fuckin’ much….” Nate was the last of us three to declare his love.

It was like we were once again singing the same song in one strong voice.

C
ASEY
’
S
REAL
LIFE

T
HANKSGIVING
WAS
nothing like I pictured it. We didn’t dress up and head to my house to celebrate the things and people we were thankful for in the company of my sweet-natured mother, my slightly nerdy father, and my two adorable little sisters in their matching velvet dresses. Dad didn’t make a big show of carving the turkey, and Mom didn’t wear her “Kiss the Cook” apron. Lola and Sarah didn’t spend the afternoon tracing their fingers and then coloring in their handprint turkey pictures. We didn’t share laughs about days gone by over homemade pumpkin pie.

This Thanksgiving was different. But I was more profoundly thankful than I had ever been before.

The three of us were together again, which was all that mattered.

And we were all hurt and damaged, still suffering from the time we’d spent apart. Zander and I struggled to trust. Nate struggled to so much as breathe, let alone communicate what had happened to him while we had been apart. Our beautiful throuple was dented and scratched and stood on three shaky legs. But it stood again, and that was the important fact.

We woke up gradually. None of us was willing to be the first to open our eyes and discover that Nate’s return to us was just a wishful dream. Nate was the last to open his eyes. He knew, I’m sure, that we would want to talk, and Nate was not one to easily spill the contents of his heart and mind.

“Happy Thanksgiving, you guys.” That was how I said good morning, which I did the split second Nate’s right eye sleepily blinked open. “Let’s go downstairs and eat breakfast. I can make us omelets.” I figured the best way to start a difficult day, like today was certain to be, would be with full stomachs. Nate nodded. I heard his stomach growl loudly. Yes, he needed to eat.

“Abby and Dan told me they went grocery shopping yesterday morning. We should have all the ingredients for an awesome omelet and probably home fries too,” Zander said with a matter-of-fact attitude that I was certain he wasn’t feeling.

Zander and I had both chosen to ignore the elephant in the room.

Nate was still subdued. He nodded and said, “Gotta use the can.”

Zander slid off the bed so Nate could go to the bathroom. I’m sure we both fought the urge to follow him. We were paranoid that he’d jump out the window and be lost to us again.

After we all cleaned up, we traipsed down to the kitchen, where Abby and Dan were already drinking coffee.

So yes, it was a bit awkward.

“Morning, dudes.” Dan’s language was similar to Zander’s. “You three sleep okay?”

Standing in a straight line across the wide entrance to the kitchen, we nodded in unison.

“Care for some coffee?” Abby didn’t wait for answers. She went to the cupboard to get mugs and started pouring.

“I’ll make myself tea.” I headed to the stove.

Silence.

“Your father stopped by, Casey.”

I turned to look at Dan.

“While you guys were still sleeping. He said they would bring us a turkey dinner later, so we shouldn’t worry about going anywhere or fixing a meal.”

Abby added, “They’re very cool.”

“Yeah, they are,” Zander agreed. Nate just stared from Abby to Dan.

“So anyway, Abby and I were thinking of going for a run, and… I think we’re gonna head out, like, right now. So we’ll see you guys later. Okay?”

I could tell they were clearing out for our benefit, and I felt bad. This was Abby’s first visit to her boyfriend’s house. So far his mother had left for the entire weekend, and she was basically being kicked out of the kitchen.

Nate blushed, so I knew he was aware of what was happening around him.

“I’m making omelets. I’ll have them waiting for you on the counter for when you get back from your run.”

“Thanks for the offer, Casey, but we ate hours ago. You guys take all the time you need, and we’ll catch you later.” Dan and Abby stepped out of the kitchen, leaving the three of us alone again.

Nate dropped into a kitchen chair and sipped on the coffee Abby had poured. He hadn’t made eye contact with us yet that morning and was still avoiding it by gazing into his coffee. I turned back to the stove as Zander brought me the eggs, milk, ham, cheese, and potatoes for home fries.

“I fucked up real bad.” Surprisingly, Nate spoke first. “Don’t know how to say sorry for it.”

I heard the sound of a chair being dragged out and a short sigh as Zander sat down. “We need to talk it out, dude. We need to figure out how things went to hell in a fucking handbasket.”

“I just fucked up, ’kay?” Nate sounded impatient, as if he wanted the conversation to be over. It hadn’t even started.

“No. It’s not ‘okay.’” Zander’s voice was equally tense. “We are gonna talk, dude.”

I poured the egg mixture into the waiting pan. Then I started chopping the potatoes and just listened.

“You guys know what set me off. I screwed up royally with Cindy.”

“You need to tell us what happened there, Nate. We never got the full story,” Zander suggested.

By the way Nate sighed, I could tell he was still agitated. “My asshole uncle choked her… near to death.”

That was a rather simplistic explanation for the incident that set off this painful chain of events.

“Did you go straight to the hospital from BCC, you know, that day you took off?”

Nate nodded. “Do I really have to go over this shit with you? It sucked when it was goin’ down, and it sucks every time I think about it.”

I dropped slices of ham and cheese on top of the eggs, but I still didn’t say anything.

“Nate, you
left
us. You fucking took off and left us. You never explained shit to us. You never even fucking broke up with us. We had to come and find you so you could dump us on our asses.”

I swallowed hard and closed up the omelet with the rubber spatula. It seemed that Nate had nothing to say.

“You’ve gotta open up to us, dude.” I glanced behind me and saw that Zander was walking around the table. “We frigging
love
you, man. We
need
you. We aren’t complete without you. Shit. You got hurt, and I can see that and it sucks. But you hurt
us
too.”

“I can’t fuckin’
do
this.” Nate, wearing nothing but one of Zander’s loosest T-shirts, a borrowed pair of boxers, and his dirty jeans from the day before—not even wearing shoes—jumped out of the chair and headed across the kitchen toward the front door, like he was leaving. “I’m so fuckin’ outta here.”

I slid the pan off the burner but refused to turn around and watch him walk out on us again. It would kill me to see him go one more time, and I knew that if he left us now, it was over. Not only for our throuple but for Nate himself. He seemed to have a death wish.

“No. You aren’t walking out on us again, asshole.” Zander had jumped up as well. “Fight for us, DeMarco, like we’re fighting for you.”

Then there was a tense stillness. It was too quiet, and I waited, not daring to so much as breathe.

“I’m a goddamn fuckin’ screw-up. I screwed up with Cindy. I screwed up what us three had goin’. I ain’t good for you guys to be with.” His voice broke on his last word.

I finally turned around. “Do you love us?” It was a simple question. And if his answer was in the affirmative, it was the only thing that mattered. We could figure things out from there.

Nate staggered like he’d been shot and dropped to his knees. Zander and I gawked at him. He crumbled to the floor and curled into a ball. “You guys shoulda let me die out there.” His words were muffled yet audible.

We both pounced on him. When we were all piled together on the kitchen floor, I couldn’t stop myself—I grabbed his cheek in one hand rather roughly and asked again, “Do you love us? Answer me.”

He nodded, but that wasn’t enough.

“Answer in
words
. Do you love us and want to be with us?” I think I shook his face, and harshly too. “
Do you
?” I was crying again, but that wasn’t surprising.