One Year (New & Lengthened Edition) (9 page)

O
kay
, so I’m officially moving on with my life. Tristan’s with Tea and that’s okay. I’m really okay with it. And even if he weren’t with Tea, I’m not interested. I have a crush on someone else. How does that old saying go? The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Well, I’m not under him yet, but I am interested.

He’s tall, dark, and handsome. I don’t know his name or anything else about him except that he likes to sketch. That’s how I first spotted him. I saw him sitting in the Quad, sketching in his notebook. Yesterday, he drew a little boy playing ball with his mom. The resemblance was uncanny. Today, he’s sketching hands. I’m not sure who they belong to, though. I’m sitting slightly behind him, under an oak. Instead of concentrating on Thomas Hobbes and what he said about the society, I keep searching for the owner of those hands. And imagining what it would be like to kiss the stranger on the bench across from me.

I’ve had this crush for close to a week, and the experience has been exhilarating. It’s such a change of pace to not dwell on Tristan anymore and to actually look forward to something. I try to remember the last time I really had a crush on someone. More than two years ago. That’s an insane amount of time to go without feeling butterflies in my stomach. The jitters of what it’s all going to be like. I’m only 18 years old for crying out loud! When did I become such an old maid? A long-term relationship in high school will do that to you.

A strong gust of wind suddenly blows in and clouds blanket the sun. Thick raindrops start to fall from the sky. I toss my notebook and various study sheets into my bag and head toward the library. Now I will probably never know whose hands my crush was sketching. A few minutes later, I’m inside the library, fruitlessly looking around for a spot to study. The place is packed with soggy students.

“Hey, hey!” someone says. It’s him. My nameless crush.

“You dropped this,” he says. I smile. But the smile quickly vanishes when I see what he’s holding. It’s a thank you card to Nick. I wrote it while I watched him sketch, when I should’ve been concentrating on Hobbes.

“Thanks.” I take it reluctantly. I hate to admit ownership of that thing. I just hope that he didn’t read it. He turns around to leave, but then he turns around.

“You know, it’s really admirable what you wrote,” he says.

“You read it??”

“I couldn’t help it. It fell open.”

I shake my head.

“What, you don’t believe me?” he asks.

“No, not really.” I shrug. I’m about to walk away, but something stops me. “You know, you had no right. This is private. Not for some stranger to read.”

He takes a step toward me. His dark hair falls into his unbelievably blue eyes. For a second, I can’t tell if I’m wet from the rain or melting from his gaze.

“I’m Simon,” he says.

I stare at him. I have no idea why he just told me his name.

“There, we’re not strangers anymore now that you know my name. Alice.”

How the fuck does he know my name? I’m fuming. I’m embarrassed. Of all the things that he found, why did he have to read that note? I glance at the note. It’s wet and the ink is smeared, but I can still make out all the words. I know them by heart.

D
ear Nick
,

Thank you. No, really. This isn’t a joke. This is a legitimate thank you note. I just can’t believe that I’m writing you this or thanking you for trying to force yourself on me. But I am. Because the thing is that, if you didn’t do what you did then Tristan and I would still be strangers. But because you did what you did, Tristan and I are friends again.

There’s this feeling of normalcy between us. And I’m finally starting to feel like I’m not walking on eggshells around him. You’re still a prick for doing what you did and I hope that you get some counseling. You need it. Apparently, you don’t know that when a girl says no, she means no. But thank you anyway. Thank you for being a dick and an asshole.

N
ot love
,

Alice

“
Y
ou have
no right to call me Alice,” I say, my cheeks flushed with a mixture of excitement, anger and embarrassment.

“I have no right to call you Alice? But isn’t that your name?” He looks at me amused.

“Yes, but I didn’t tell you my name. You read it in this super personal note that I wrote,
not
to you.”

“I couldn’t help but read it,” Simon says.

“You couldn’t help reading it? What the hell does that even mean?” My voice is getting louder and the librarian shushes me sternly. I switch to whispering loudly. “You had no right to read it.”

“I know,” he whispers softly. Simon’s got such a smug look on his face that it makes me want to punch him and then kiss him and then punch him again. “That’s why I thought you would want it back.”

“Whatever.” I turn on my heels and head out. This conversation is clearly pointless. When I reach the second set of double doors on my way out of the library, I’m certain that I had left him behind. I feel relieved and a little disappointed.

“Why don’t you let me make this up to you?” Simon asks in his quiet, raspy voice. My lips curl into a smile and I’m grateful that I’m facing away from him. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

“And why should I?” I ask.

“It’s the decent thing to do. And I know you want to.”

Now I get incensed. “I what? I want you to? Please.” I roll my eyes and head out into the rain. Why didn’t I bring a stupid umbrella with me? I curse myself. I’m such an idiot.

“You’ve been staring at me all day.” Simon follows me closely behind.

“I have not,” I yell without turning to face him. I’m walking briskly, as fast as I can without running, but he’s keeping up with me like it’s nothing. What is it about rain that blocks out the whole world and makes it so hard to hear a word? I can barely hear myself think.

“You’ve been staring at me for days,” he says. It’s a good thing that it’s freezing out and I’m soaking wet, otherwise I know that my cheeks would be burning red right now.

“By the way, artists are terribly perceptive. So if you ever stare at another artist in the future, just know that they’re probably aware of it.”

I roll my eyes as if I can’t even justify his response with an answer. But it’s mainly because I don’t know what to say. Again, I feel that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach – like I want to both punch him and kiss him.

“Hey, c’mon.” He grabs the back of my jacket and turns me around. “Let me make this up to you. Please? Just a cup of coffee?”

His eyes are sincere now. His face is no longer smug, but open, inviting. He really wants to get coffee with me.

“Fine,” I finally say.

“Excellent!” Simon’s eyes light up. “And by the way, just so you know, those hands that I was sketching today, they belong to you.”

O
ver coffee
, I find out that Simon’s from the UK. I detected a slight accent, but apparently he grew up in New York and Dubai, where his dad headed some petrol engineering division. His family now lives in London. Simon’s a junior and he’s studying design. He likes to sketch and draw outside because “that’s where life is,” he says.

Simon’s so open about his art, about his purpose in life, that I suddenly feel like I’m in the closet. Like I’m not being honest about who I am. Like I’m living a lie. And perhaps I am. So I decided to change that.

“So what about you? What do you do?” he asks. I’m struck by his choice of words. He doesn’t ask what I’m trying to do, what I’m planning on doing when I grow up, what I’m majoring in. Instead, he asks what I do. As if I’m not in some transitional phase of my life. As if I’m actually embodying my true self right now.

“I’m a writer,” I say. It’s the first time I’ve ever said those words out loud. I didn’t say “I’m an aspiring writer” or “I’m planning on becoming a writer.” I feel liberated. I’m out. I’m not hiding who I am. The sentence is so simple and elegant and it has taken me 18 years to formulate it and embody it. To admit to the world, and to myself, that that’s who I am.

I look at Simon. He shrugs. Accepts it. Like it’s no big deal.

“That’s cool,” he says.

Yes, it is.

Over coffee, Simon and I find out that we have a lot in common. It’s weird that we do since we’ve had such different upbringings. But I guess parents can be very similar no matter the culture or where they reside in the world. Simon’s close to his parents; they talk every other day, but they are not happy about his choice of career.

“Growing up, my father always told me that he wanted me to do whatever would make me happy. Except that, to him, that meant that I should pursue engineering. Like him.”

I know exactly what he’s talking about.

“He was genuinely distressed when I started painting in high school. He thinks museums are some place you go on vacation just to say you did, but for no other reason. But for me, I felt this euphoria that first time I saw the
Dying Gaul
in Rome. It was the most beautiful thing I’d seen up to that point and it just touched me on this instinctual level. I was 14 and I knew that no matter what I did, I wanted to do something that would make other people feel like I did when I saw that sculpture.”

W
hat was supposed
to be one cup of coffee ends up being three. We stay for close to three hours in that coffee shop talking, discussing, and, mostly, laughing. When he finally walks me back to my building, I actually feel a little sad that we are separating. He’s so easy to talk to, it feels like magic is in the air. I’m afraid of breaking the spell.

At the bottom of my building, Simon grabs my hand. He pulls me close to him and brushes a few strands of hair out of my face.

“You have the most beautiful eyes,” he whispers in his raspy voice that makes me go weak at the knees.

His rough fingers linger around my neck as he licks his lips. He leans closer to me. I feel his breath on my face. Then he kisses me. He parts my lips with his.

When he buries his hands in my hair, I kiss him back. I push back at him and the passion that builds within me overtakes me. We push against each other, our bodies intertwining and separating with our breaths.

We stand there until I lose all sense of time and place. The whole world falls away and we’re the only ones that exist. The only ones that matter.

“Get a room!” I hear someone say faintly behind me. Suddenly, the outside world rushes in.

Simon keeps going ignoring the comment, but I can’t help but pull away.

“Alice?” Dylan says with a chuckle. “Sorry, I didn’t know it was you.”

And then I see them. Tristan and Tea. They’re standing behind Dylan. Both look uncomfortable.

I do the only thing I can think of.

“Simon, these are my roommates, Dylan and Tristan. And this is…” I don’t know how to introduce her. I thought she was a friend, but then she wasn’t. This is the first time I’ve really seen her in a long time. “And this is Tea. Everyone, this is Simon.”

“Hi Simon,” they all say practically at the same time.

Simon nods.

“We’re just going upstairs to hang out. Come join us,” Dylan says nonchalantly. Tea, Tristan, and I stare at him as if he’s dense. But he doesn’t seem to notice.

“Sure,” Simon says.

Now I look at Simon as if he had lost his mind. But there’s nothing left to do. I can’t very well un-invite him.

T
hat evening
, the six of us hang out. I thought it would be awkward and uncomfortable, but for some reason it isn’t. Juliet makes eggs in her usual way, leaving Simon in awe.

“What are you doing?” he asks when she scrambles the eggs with a fork and puts the bowl into the microwave.

“Making scrambled eggs.” She shrugs. Dylan, Tristan and I watch her do this every evening. She likes to have breakfast foods in the evening. It’s “one of the perks of being a grown up,” according to her.

“In the microwave?” Simon asks, clearly having trouble processing the entire concept.

“She does it all the time,” Dylan says, as if doing something insane all the time explains it.

“I had no idea you could do that.” Simon shakes his head. I notice that his English accent becomes more pronounced in times of shock or awe. It’s so adorable, it takes all of my strength not to leap over the couch and kiss him.

“Juliet’s an expert in microwave cooking,” Tristan explains. “She needs to write a book about it and teach the rest of us mere mortals.”

Simon shakes his head and laughs. “Oh my God, that’s blasphemous.”

“What?” I ask.

“Cooking in the microwave, of course! Or that it’s even considered cooking,” he laughs.

“I happen to think it’s pretty awesome,” Tristan says. We’re all joking around, making fun, but something about how Tristan says that changes the entire tone of the conversation. I can tell that everyone had noticed it.

“I know, me too. I didn’t mean anything by it, Juliet,” Simon says. She shrugs, clearly not caring. Juliet’s one of those people who let things that don’t matter slide. She’s sort of amazing like that. I admire her greatly for it, even though I often want to kill her for it as well. I mean, how does she go through life like that? Really?

The evening continues on without a hitch. Much better than I thought it would, honestly. Except that as times passes and I get more and more engulfed in my conversation with Juliet and Tea, I suddenly notice that Simon and Tristan seem to disagree on pretty much everything.

They disagree about the correct lyrics to Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball”. They look it up and Simon’s right.

They disagree on whether Christmas will fall on a weekday or a weekend this year. How or why that topic of conversation ever came up, I will never know! They look it up and Tristan’s right.

They disagree on who’s going to play in the Super Bowl this year. There’s no way to know yet. It’s only October.

After a while, Tea gets annoyed that Tristan’s attention is entirely focused on Simon and takes off early. He waves goodbye to her without even bothering to get up or walk her to the door, and she leaves angry. Tristan can be very insensitive at times, and I’m glad that, for once, I’m not on the other end of that. Half an hour later, Simon takes off too, but not before he and Tristan get into a little tiff.

I’m not sure what brings it on because I’m in the middle of a very important conversation with Juliet about the proper way of removing glue from false lashes. But then I suddenly hear Tristan say, “You know, you don’t have to be such a dick about it.”

“About what? I’m just stating my opinion.”

“Oh, whatever. You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Tristan says and storms off into his room.

“What was that about?” I ask.

“Your roommate doesn’t like to hear the truth,” Simon says, clearly unfazed. He shrugs and gives me a little peck on the cheek. “I have to go.”

“I had a good time today,” Simon says while I wait for the elevator with him.

“Me too.”

“Can I see you again?” he asks.

“Yes, of course,” I say and lean up to kiss him.

W
hen I get back
to the room, Tristan’s pacing in the living room. He’s angry. Very angry. I’ve never seen him like that.

“Can I talk to you?” he asks. I nod. “In private?”

I follow him to his room. Suddenly, I realize that this is the first time I’ve ever been here. I look around. Almost every square inch of blank wall space is covered in posters. Girls in bikinis. Lakers and 49ers posters (clearly, Tristan’s). Yankees and Knicks posters (Dylan’s). The stereotypical John Belushi College poster, which seems to be a requirement for every college guy’s room. And then there’s the smell. No, not smell. But stench. The place smells of old burritos and sweat.

“Don’t you guys ever air this place out?” I ask.

“Sorry, we went to that candle store that you and Juliet love, but they said that you’ve cleaned them out,” he says without missing a beat.

“Haha, very funny,” I smile. It’s nice to banter with him again. I realize that it’s this banter that I’ve really missed over the last few months. It’s not even the kissing or the sex or touching. It’s the friendly banter. It feels like old times again. Long ago times. When we were friends and things were less complicated.

“So what did you want to talk about?” I ask.

“That guy. Simon,” Tristan says, elongating his name in an effort to mock him. It works. I roll my eyes.

“You want to talk about Simon?” I ask.

“Yes. What’s up with him?”

“Nothing.” I shrug. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Are you seeing him or something?” Tristan asks.

“I don’t know. I guess. Today was our first date. Well, sort of,” I say. I suddenly catch myself. I don’t know why I’m telling him all this. It’s none of his business. “Why do you care?” I ask.

“He moves fast, doesn’t he?” Tristan avoids my question.

“What are you talking about?”

Tristan starts to pace the room again. He’s no longer talking to me, but at me.

“Had his tongue down your throat already and then met your roommates,” he says, avoiding eye contact with me.

I’ve never seen Tristan like this. What the hell is going on? And then it hits me.

“Wait a second,” I say. “What’s going on here? Are you jealous? Really?”

I smile. I feel myself beaming. I try to stop smiling, but I can’t.

“No, I’m not jealous,” Tristan says quickly. A little too quickly to be believable.

He can deny it all he wants, but I see right through him. He is jealous.

“How can you be jealous? You have a girlfriend!” I say.

“Who, Tea? She’s not my girlfriend,” he says. I furrow my brows. Don’t believe him.

“Does she know that? Because from the looks of it, it seems like she is.”

He shakes his head. “No, she isn’t. We’re just hanging out. Seeing each other. But not exclusively. Nothing serious.”

I shake my head. I feel bad for Tea. I don’t think she sees it that way. “Well, in that case, you should talk to her. I’m not sure you’re on the same page.”

He looks right at me. “Don’t change the subject,” he says.

“From what?”

“From you.”

“I wasn’t.” I shrug.

“So, what, you like that guy? Simon?”

I think about it for a moment. I want to answer as truthfully as possible. That’s what friends do, right?

“Yes, I do.” I nod. “A lot.”

He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

“And why is it you don’t like him?” I ask. Tristan doesn’t have a good reason.

“I just have a bad feeling about it, Alice,” he says. Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes.

“Tristan, you don’t have a bad feeling. You’re just jealous. But you’re going to have to get over it. Because we’re not together anymore,” I say and leave the room.