Oppressed (16 page)

At that second it became
crystal clear that I
did
want him to be my Dinclusin.

She shook herself free. “What have you two
done? This was more than a walk. What kind of disgrace have you
brought upon the family, Lucus, tell me. What have you done with
your cousin’s placée? Don’t you understand she’s spoken for? She’s
kept, Lucus! Kept!”

“
We…”

I shot Lucus a knowing look and cut him
off before he had a chance to say anything. I didn’t want him to
get into any trouble. I distanced myself from him and gave her a
shy but respectful smile. “Madame it’s entirely my fault. I needed
some fresh air, so I decided to take a walk but got lost. I’m
terribly clumsy. Thankfully, Lucus found me and was kind enough to
offer his jacket and show me the way back to my dear sweet Edmond.
I’m so sorry if I caused any trouble.” I held my breath and hoped
that she bought my lie. I took off Lucus’s jacket and handed it
back to him. “Thank you for… Thank for your jacket.” My hands shook
as I handed it back to him, and I silently cursed myself for being
so discomposed. There were a million things I wanted to say and do
to him at that moment and not one of them was
appropriate.

Madame LaPlante didn’t buy my lie. Her
lips were still taunt and I could see the veins in her neck
throbbing wildly, but despite her rage I could also see that she
was struggling to regain her poise. She gave me a stiff and
unconvincing smile. “I see. Edmond’s been looking all over for you.
I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re safe.” Her voice had a hint
of sarcasm to it and I was fearful that she had somehow heard
everything that had taken place out in the forest.

Lucus broke the tension. “See, everything
is fine, Maman. Now, let’s go back inside and I’ll waltz with
Richard’s girls and you can give me approving glances from the
corner of the ballroom, doesn’t that sound like a splendid
idea?”

She shook her head started to say
something but decided to keep quiet. The three of us walked back to
the house in silence and I dreaded every step I took because it
brought me one step closer to Edmond and one step away from
Lucus.

Chapter
Sixteen

Keep a Big Man
Down

Cecile LaNuit’s Home,
Rue de
Rampart

New Orleans, 1852

T
he night had been cut short at Edmond’s
insistence. He had been eerily silent as we rode back to my home,
and a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach told me that it was
going to be a long night of ranting, which was the last thing I
wanted.

To my disappointment, I never had a chance
to say good-bye to Lucus, but I knew that was for the best, because
being around him and knowing that I could never actually be with
him was torture. Tonight I had experienced a range of emotions and
feelings that I never thought were possible. The most shocking of
which was the pure and unfiltered jealousy I had felt when I
secretly watched Lucus waltzing with the hyena twins. Despite his
wild proclamations out in the forest, I knew that society didn’t
particularly cater well to honesty, so regardless of what we felt
for one another acting on those feelings would only bring shame
upon those around us.

I sat
across from Edmond in my dimly-lit
parlor, feeling as if I were a very small child who had misbehaved
and was now waiting for her punishment. I neurotically counted the
number of chrysanthemum petals that had fallen off of the flowers
that rested on the heavy mahogany table, and imagined I was back at
Darkwood with Lucus.

Edmond sipped his brandy slowly,
deliberately stretching out the night so that he could enjoy my
unease and take pleasure in my discomfort. He annoyingly tapped his
fingernail against the crystal glass and with every clink my
aggravation grew. With the candles throwing ghastly light on his
face he appeared to be a cruel, vengeful, and slightly grotesque
caricature of himself.

I poured myself some more brandy and drank
it fast, without really tasting it, hoping that it would somehow
dull the misery and uncertainty I felt. Was this how I was meant to
live my entire life?

After his third glass of brandy Edmond
finally spoke. “How could you?” he asked.

For a few moments I simply started at him
and batted my eyelashes. “How could I what?” I played dumb and
innocent as if I hadn’t the slightest idea to what he was
referring.

My poise and nonchalance infuriated
him and I found myself secretly laughing and taking a sick and
rewarding gratification in his frustration.

“
With all
people
, my
cousin. My
cousin
. I take you out and introduce you to my elite circle and
you act like a classless savage and embarrass me. Have you no
appreciation for all that I’ve done for you? Have you no respect?
There are a thousand women who would love to be in your place, yet
you act as if being with me is some kind of punishment. You’re
spoiled, Cecile, utterly spoiled and selfish. I don’t know who or
what you think you are but you need to understand your place in
this world, otherwise you’re going to be in for a rude
awakening.”

Understand my place? That enraged me, but
I refused to let him see that he was getting under my skin.
“Edmond, I got lost.” That was my story and I was sticking with it.
“I assure you nothing happened.” Well, it hadn’t.

His face reddened and his eyes
narrowed into two dark slits. He rose from his chair and started to
pace from one end of the parlor to the other while flinging his
index finger in the air to no one in particular. “Don’t do that.
Don’t insult my intelligence! How dare you insult my intelligence!
Without me you’d be out on the streets! Is that what you want? Do
you want to be out on the streets, Cecile? I assure you it’s very
easy for me to make that happen,” he said threateningly. “Say the
word and I’ll make it happen.”

“
No,” I whispered. I despised
the silent desperation that my voice held. I despised him, but at
that moment I despised myself even more. Who was this weak,
pathetic person I no longer recognized? I didn’t want to depend on
him and his
protection
for a minute longer, but fear crippled me and rendered me
helpless. “No, please,” I whispered over and over again. I thought
of all the horror stories I had heard of placées who had been
abandoned by their protectors and had been left with nothing. Some
had been so traumatized that they flung themselves off buildings or
threw themselves under horse carts. They had been classified as
ruined women who were shunned by the community. I imagined Maman
ceaselessly crying and screaming if Edmond cut off his connection
with me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He stopped pacing,
kneeled before me
and took my hands into his. His face changed from a toxic mask of
contempt and rage into that of sadness. His usually cold eyes
filled with sudden fire. “Did he touch you? Did my cousin touch
you?”

“
No,” I whispered. “No, Edmond.
Nothing happened. He was the perfect gentleman. It was all a silly
misunderstanding. I got lost, that’s all.”

He let out a giant sigh of relief. “Do you
love me, Cecile?” he asked suddenly, out of nowhere. It was the
last question I wanted to answer right then and there. It was even
sillier for him to ask it. Did he love his wife? If so why was he
here with me?

I knew that telling the truth
would only prolong the grotesque night even further and there was
no point in arguing with him as it would lead nowhere.
“
Oui,
of course I do.”
Lies. I wanted to scream.

He gently pulled me up from off the
silk-covered chair. I could see the color dance in his cheeks, the
intensity in his eyes and smell the strong scent of brandy on his
breath as he brought his lips to mine and gave me soft kiss. “I
love you, Cecile. You see I’ll do anything to make you happy. You
have everything you could ever dream of, don’t you?”

“
Yes,” I whispered as I
tried to resist the urge to wipe away his kiss. “Yes. You’re so
very generous, Edmond.”

“
Aren’t you the envy of
the neighborhood?”

“
Yes,” I said numbly. “Of
course.”

“
See how wonderful our match is?
Let’s keep it that way,
non
?” He slowly brought his hands to my hair and took out the
pins one by one. With every pin plucked out my heart and hopes sank
lower and lower. The crash of each pin as it fell on the freshly
polished floor was deafening. “As long as you don’t disgrace me and
keep your place I will always protect you.”

“
Yes, let’s keep it that way.
I’ll never step out of my place again,” I said robotically. My
voice was foreign and devoid of any feeling but he didn’t seem to
notice or care. Tante Celeste’s words ran through my mind.
There are many ways
to get rid of an unwanted lover.

He kissed my neck and the heavy scent
of his musky cologne suddenly became overbearing to the point that
it made me nauseous. He pulled on my corset strings and with every
pull I muffled a scream.

“
Let’s forget about this little
incident and go to bed,
oui?”

I nodded without even thinking about
it. At this point the whole thing was automatic. “Yes, Edmond.
There’s nothing I would love more.”

***

I lay in bed and watched as
Edmond slept and snored as if nothing at all was wrong. I felt
horribly disgusted with myself
, yet I couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason I felt
this way or what I could do to make it all go away. All I knew was
that I wanted to get a piece of myself back; the piece that he was
rapidly stealing. I examined him for a moment and took a sick
delight in how fragile and vulnerable he appeared. His
well-chiseled face was infinitely smooth under the stream of pale
moonlight that fought its way through the lace curtains and his
bow-shaped lips were turned up in a satisfied smile. There was
something strangely fascinating about watching him sleep- with
watching anyone sleep, really. I reached out and plucked out a
strand of his dark hair. I had no idea what I was going to do with
it, but somehow it made me feel better that I had it.

Slowly, I climbed out of bed, put on a
night gown and grabbed the single white candle that rested on my
dresser. Quietly, I let myself out of the room and prayed that he
wouldn’t wake up. Inside, there was a fire burning and with every
passing second it was getting stronger and stronger. I made my way
into the kitchen and into the small pantry where I kept several
altars, carefully hidden behind supplies of food.

I kneeled on the ground and pulled out
the various candles, potions, herbs and offerings. For moments I
simply stared at all of the objects that lay in front of me and
wondered what was it I wanted to achieve. What was it that I wanted
Edmond to feel?

I inhaled the smell of the fiery oils and
bitter aloes and let out a huge sigh of relief, because I felt as
if I were somehow safe. A giddiness washed over me as I touched
various objects that were so valuable to me, and then I thought
about how Edmond made me feel, how helpless I felt in his presence,
how highly he thought of himself, and his unwillingness to even
listen to my point of view. There was something about his attitude
and sense of entitlement that brutalized my very soul. I didn’t
want him to die; all I wanted was to knock him down a notch or two
and make him feel vulnerable and weak. I knew the perfect trick to
make that happen.

Keep a Big Man Down
trick was one of
the many defense tactics Tante Celeste had taught me, and lucky for
me it was also highly effective. If carried out properly the spell
left your target frustrated and sick for as long as you wanted them
to remain that way. The most important part of the trick was making
sure it was prepared with the correct energy. I knew I had to
transfer exactly how I wanted Edmond to feel into the doll and the
ingredients.

“
Erzulie, please bless
this trick,” I whispered as I pricked myself seven times with a
tiny silver dagger in order to entice her.

Afterwards, I lit a black candle and
gathered the necessary ingredients, which were a doll made out of
black cloth, a black pen, paper, bitter aloes, cayenne pepper,
black thread, and black lace. I wrote Edmond’s name on the paper
and then slashed open the doll with a small silver dagger. I closed
my eyes concentrated and shoved the bitter aloes and cayenne
pepper, along with the paper and strand of his hair into the doll.
I quickly sewed up the slash with the black thread and then tied
the doll’s hands behind its back. With the black lace I carefully
constructed a mini-veil for the doll and arranged it so that it
covered the doll’s face. I found a dark corner and placed the doll
on its knees. “Down on your knees, big man.”

I laughed soundlessly and did a little
victory dance. It was scary how much pleasure I was getting out of
this one small act. Sometimes the smallest acts are the ones that
end up being the most important.