Orion Cross My Sky (8 page)

T
he entire weekend
, Tammy couldn’t stop thinking about the way Orion had kissed her. After all, it had been her first. She chided herself for obsessing, then gave herself permission. She was eighteen and had never experienced such intimacy.

On Sunday morning, she sat at the kitchen table and listened as Clara rambled about how she had started paying rent to the Granges, who lived in the other part of the house and owned the building. They seemed happy with whatever she could offer, and Clara looked forward to the day Tammy got her own job and could pull her weight. She didn’t push the issue, though.

Sometimes, she felt as if Clara expected her to explode one day. She wasn’t sure why. There was something in the way her cousin often watched her over the breakfast table. Was it because of what they’d gone through? If having some sort of breakdown was natural, why hadn’t she done it yet?

Tammy began to think she was failure because she hadn’t fallen apart. Then again, she was numb, and the sensations she’d been experiencing recently with Orion only proved that. Sometimes, she felt as if he was chiseling away at stone, trying to get a piece of granite to respond to his advances. When it came to the emotional side of things, she didn’t think she had anything in her. And if a person didn’t have the ability to
feel
, then a mental breakdown was out of the question, wasn’t it?

“What in the world are you thinking about?” Clara placed a large plate of pancakes in the middle of the small dining table, then set the table for the two of them. She plopped down across from her.

“Huh? Oh, nothing,” Tammy mumbled.

“I doubt that. I know you. You never stop thinking.” She nodded to the item in Tammy’s hands. “And you’re holding onto that beaten old copy of
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea
again. You only carry that around when you’re feeling extra anxious.”

“How’d you know that?”

“It’s easy for me to see.” Clara’s warm smile was as sweet as the maple syrup she poured generously on her stack of pancakes. “You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong if you don’t want to.”

Tammy squeezed the book in her hands, the weighty sensation of the paper offering something akin to companionship. “Have you ever had a mental breakdown?”

Clara chewed slowly, then set down her fork. “Why do you ask?”

“Just curious.”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean…I, I still have stuttering problems when I get nervous or uncomfortable. And I have gotten plenty of panic attacks. It…it was really scary, leaving your parents’ house for the first time.”

“I know.”

There was a heavy silence before Clara asked, “Have you had a breakdown, Tammy?”

“No, of course not.” She scoffed at the idea. “I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think I could.”

“Are you worried you might? I don’t understand what’s brought this on.”

“I guess…I’ve read about all sorts of mental breakdowns, you know? People just lose it, go crazy sometimes. I kind of figure I have a right to go crazy, more than most people.”

“You do.”

“Maybe I’m thinking about it too much. But sometimes, I feel like you’re waiting for me to fall apart. Like you just think I’m going to lose it any day now.”

Clara shook her head. “Why would you say that?”

“Cousin.” Tammy quirked her eyebrow upward. “I know when you’re lying. You
are
worried I’ll go postal, aren’t you?”

“I wish you wouldn’t say it like that. It’s just that…since you’ve come to live with me here, you’ve been so
calm
. Just like always. Except, you don’t sleep well. I lost count of how many times I’ve had to check on you at night.”

“I know.” Tammy finally filled her plate with pancakes and drenched them with maple syrup.

“It’s not that I think you’re going to…I don’t know, fall apart or something.” Clara stopped eating, looking up at her with genuine concern in her eyes. “It’s just that you look
numb
.”

“That’s because I am.”

“Even after everything we’ve been through, there are good things in life, too. There are good things to feel, to do. There was a time I didn’t believe that.” A wistful look came upon her. “I never thought I would meet anyone I could be comfortable around, but I have. I’m learning a relationship can’t complete me, but having Gaven around sure makes me happy. I don’t want you to cut yourself off, Tammy.”

“I know. Neither do I.”

They ate in silence, and she drifted into her thoughts. For now, she had the distinct sensation she was just muddling through, only surviving. And something told her that one day—one day very soon—she was going to have to face up to the numbness inside her and break it apart, shattering the barrier she’d built. She realized Orion might help her do it. And that scared her more than anything else ever could.

A
week passed
, and each day, she visited Orion at the garage, learning more about auto-mechanics. The field fascinated her, and she grew more certain with each passing day that she wanted to be a part of it.

As she stood in front of her parents’ estate, she noted how rare it was for her to see the front gate of the Pendleton property from the outside. She’d spent her whole life in there, and only now did she see it as imprisonment, being locked up because her father was too afraid of allowing his only daughter into the outside world.

Now, she wondered about her mother, who always put on a cheerful façade. Was she in prison, too? How did Tammy’s father control her mother’s life? What lay hidden behind a relationship that seemed so sanguine from the outside? She stared up at the gates for a long time, the large
P
standing out on the dark iron.

They were open. That was rare, too. Her mother must be expecting her.

She walked down the driveway, bundled up against the growing cold. Clara was in class, and Tammy had good news. The previous day, she’d earned her GED, and her score had been good enough to award a high school diploma. Not exactly what her parents had wanted, but they would have to deal with it. Her father had envisioned great things for her, and she wasn’t certain how he would feel about her desire to work in a garage.

It was a sunny day, though chilly, and she had more energy than usual. A sensation bloomed within her that she didn’t recognize, and it took her a moment to realize it was satisfaction. She felt content with the little bit she’d accomplished in the short time she’d been away from home. And she was even more pleased she’d met Orion. He still made her nervous, especially when he looked up from his work in the garage, his hands covered in grease, and grinned at her mischievously.

She chuckled at the thought as she stepped onto the wide front porch.

“What are you giggling about, sweetheart?”

Tammy startled and turned, her hand pressed to her chest. “Mom! You scared me.”

She put her arms around the larger woman who was clad in a heavy coat, her cheeks reddened by the cold.

Nan led her daughter into the house, tugging her gently by the hand. “It’s getting chilly quick out there, but I had to go for a walk. I can’t resist a sunny day. How’s my dear one?”

After she shut the door, she gave Tammy a kiss on the forehead and smoothed her hair with one hand.

“I’m okay, Mom. How’re you?”

“I’m fine.”

The forced smile was a clear giveaway. She was anything but fine.

“What’s going on?”

Anticipating her arrival, Nan had already prepared tea and set it up in the middle of the small kitchen table where Nan spent most of her time. She filled two small tea mugs from her favorite, chipped porcelain teapot.

Tammy knew the teapot well. She’d often admired it as a child, with its intricate design of curling vines and tiny flowers.

Nan stared into her tea for a long moment, then sipped it. “You know about your father.”

The words hung in the air, edged with something akin to regret, as if Nan blamed herself for what was happening. Even though there was nothing she could do to prevent it.

“The tumor.”

“You’re not going to ask how he is?”

When her mom leaned forward, her elbows on the table, Tammy lowered her gaze, focusing on her mother’s old stained apron and flowered blouse.

“Should I?”

Nan tilted her head. “Tammy, you perplex me. You were always such an emotional child, even though you were hiding in books all the time. Now, the last few times we’ve talked, you seem different.”

“Numb?” She thought of her conversation with Clara. Maybe whatever was happening to her was more noticeable to others than she thought.

“Somewhat, yes. Aren’t you worried about your father? Tammy, he could die.” Her mother’s voice shattered, and she pinched her lips shut in an obvious attempt to quell her tears.

“He’s going to, isn’t he?” Tammy wrapped her hands around her mug of tea. She hadn’t taken a single sip. A sensation passed through her, a disconnect, reminding her of all the times she’d drifted away from her body—all the times he’d touched her.

Her mother eyed her with a curiosity that bordered on horror. Did she know? Did she know what her husband had done?

“Tammy, why…why are you talking like this?”

“Well, he is, isn’t he?”

“Why don’t you seem to care about your own father
dying
?” She spoke the word in a hushed whisper.

Tammy said nothing. All she knew was she couldn’t feel anything. A single thought passed through her mind:

How can I care about him dying when he didn’t seem to care about me living?

O
rion startled
when he heard her calling him from across the shop. He turned and spotted Tammy peeking out from inside her navy blue coat, her hands dug deep into her pockets.

“I’m just about ready.” He shut the hood of the Honda he’d just finished working on, then headed toward the break area and bathroom. “Lemme get cleaned up.”

When he emerged and they stepped out into the parking lot, they were both bundled up. Orion covered half his face with his scarf and shivered. As his body trembled, he knew it was caused more by fear than cold.

“Are you okay?”

She walked on his left so he could see her, having gotten used to the ritual.

“Yeah. I think so.”

A million terrors rushed through his mind. Having a panic attack in public would be horrible, and in front of Tammy—he couldn’t have that. Instead of voicing his frantic worries, he said, “So, where’d you say you wanna go?”

“I have to stop by the library and see Alex. She’s staying late this evening, getting some projects done with the historical archives, and we’re arranging a time for me to come in and help tomorrow.”

“Oh, that’s cool.” A shock lanced through his jaw, and he winced as a tingling sensation passed across his cheek. She didn’t see it, having glanced away. Even in his panicked state, which he hid well, he could tell Tammy was upset.

“Are
you
okay?” he repeated her earlier question.

“Yeah, why?”

“You seem…I don’t know.” He was running out of words. The pain was coming. They stepped into the library. At least the warmth of the building felt comforting to him.
Fuck, what’ll I do?

“My father is probably going to die from this brain tumor unless the next round of chemo helps.”

Her face bore no expression. She held a darkness in her, and the look in her eyes reminded him of his mother when she reached her worst. The thought came to him just as a stab of pain shot across his forehead. He bowed his head for a moment in the lobby, relaxing all the muscles in his face, trying to buy himself time.

Not long now.

Hoping he sounded casual, he said, “So, how long do you think this’ll take?”

“Why do you ask?” She turned and frowned, appearing almost suspicious, as they stood in the short hallway leading to Alex’s office.

“Just wondering. I…I have to help my dad at home.”

He wondered why he was lying to her. Then he thought of a month or so back, when he’d been visiting a buddy over in Jackson Hole, walking down the street with his head wrapped in a scarf, a black hood over his head. Tires had screeched as the car passed by and somebody had yelled, “
You look like a goddamn terrorist!
” Raucous laughter had rumbled from the windows of the car as it disappeared into the distance.

He’d grown tired of being judged. Tired of doctors who told him he was too young to have trigeminal neuralgia, that he must be imagining it. Tired of people wondering why he covered his face whenever he stepped outside, but grateful he could still work. Knowing the degenerative nature of his condition, he had no idea what he might be like five, ten years from now. But when a flare-up happened, he couldn’t do anything.

The frequency of the pain attacks had started increasing. He could feel it. As they stepped up to Alex’s office, he realized why he lied to Tammy. Shame. He’d told her about it, but he was still ashamed. He didn’t want her to think less of him.

“Hey!” Alex beamed when she saw them. “You must be Orion.” She extended a hand, and they shook.

His unabashed stare went right to the shiny buckles on her motorcycle boots.

Alex winked, noticing his glance. “All the guys look at my boots,” she joked.

He chuckled, feeling a shock when he smiled.

He couldn’t do anything with the pain. Without invitation, he slumped into the seat nearest him. The fluorescent lights glared like an unforgiving enemy.

“You okay, kid?” Alex tucked the file folders into a drawer nearest her, then glanced back at him as her dark hair slipped over her eyes.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I don’t think I believe him,” Tammy noted.

“Right. He doesn’t look so good. Well, listen, let’s go over everything right away, and then you two can get on your way.”

As the girls chatted, the blue glass beads hanging around Alex’s neck gleamed. The rosary sang in the light, an effervescent energy emanating from the thick silver cross that occasionally bounced off her flat stomach.

Letting his right eye slip shut, he tried to calm himself as he watched the rosary swing like a pendulum.

Stab
.

He dug his fingernails into the arm of the chair. His stomach turned.

Another stab. This time along two branches of the nerve. He gritted his teeth, then forced himself to relax, slackening his jaw. Panicking wouldn’t help.

But it was coming.

It’s coming, it’s coming, it’s coming
.

He started breathing from his mouth, each breath shorter than the last, the inhales hard and fast because he knew breathing hurt.
Living
hurt.

I’m not living. This isn’t fucking living
.

The swinging cross drew nearer and the light swam, the pendant dipping as Alex leaned down, her hands on her knees, peering into Orion’s left eye, the only one showing.

“You’re not okay,” she was saying. “I knew it.”

Tammy’s face appeared, and he recognized the fear there. But he saw something else, an emotionless void, an emptiness that worried him. He thought of his mother for the second time that night, and a small part of him prayed Tammy wouldn’t end up like her one day, her hand tight around a bottle as she shut out the world—and him.

What am I thinking? We haven’t been dating that long and…and fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, it hurts. I can’t live like this, I can’t, I can’t.

A ragged, grating sound shook his guts and made bile rise in his throat. He realized with a start
he’d
made that sound.

All of a sudden, Tammy was tugging on his arm, pulling him to his feet.

As if realizing he’d been staring at it, Alex slipped off the rosary and hung it around his neck. She stared straight into his eyes and said, “You need this more than I do. Your girlfriend told me what you’re going through. Tammy, get him somewhere safe.”

“I will.”

They started the trek back toward his house. As desperation rose within him, he wished the pain would end. He knew he wouldn’t remember much of anything come tomorrow. If he’d been in his right mind, he wouldn’t have wanted Tammy to come to his parents’ house. But he wasn’t, he was
losing
his mind.

That didn’t matter.
As long as I don’t lose her.