Otherwise Engaged (20 page)

“I haven’t had
sex with, touched, sought out another woman since Puerto Rico. I can’t be with
anyone else. It’d feel like cheating on you. That may sound crazy, but you’re
the only person I think about. You fill every moment of every day. This wanting
you and not being able to have you is exhausting,” he said.

“Then don’t
want me. Don’t think about me. It’s best if we both move on.”

“Why does it
have to be this way? Why can’t you just give me another chance?”

“Because I know
how you are.”

“You’re being
so close-minded about all of this.”

“I’m just
protecting myself.”

“You’re good at
that, huh?”

“What’s that
supposed to mean?” she snapped.

“I think you’re
afraid of letting anyone get anywhere near having something real with you.”

“Oh that’s
nice. The commitment-phobe is telling me about my fear of letting someone get
close to me.”

“Well, at least
the commitment-phobe is trying here.”

“You can’t
expect me to sit around waiting patiently for you like damned Penelope for
damned Odysseus!” she shouted out angrily. “There’s someone else,” she snarled
even though it wasn’t really true.

He winced. Then
his face fell in a way that was a little heartbreaking, but the vindictive side
of her, the side that had cried over him more in the past few months than she
had since her college days when he’d had no clue how in love with him she
was—that side of her smiled a little. “Who is he?”

“Why does that
matter?” she asked, stalling for time.

“We made love
almost non-stop for four incredible days. You used to be my closest friend,” he
said, startling her with his choice of words and the revelation about their
friendship. “You could at least give me a name.”

“Troy.” She and
Troy hadn’t talked much since her birthday party. He’d been busy with work, and
so had she.
Sort of.
She needed to make more of an
effort with him, though. Troy was a much better choice for her than Rain was.

There was so
much hurt in those perfectly shaped eyes of his, she almost wanted to take back
her words.

“Troy.” He
stretched out that one syllable for much longer than was necessary. “You and
this Troy been together long?”

“You blew me
off, Rain. You can’t just do that and then string me along. Thinking you can
swoop in and out of my life when it’s convenient for you. I won’t play that
game with you.”

“That’s not
what I think. I had a whole lot to figure out, okay? It was difficult, yeah.
I’ve never felt anything remotely like this, yeah. It scared the shit out of
me, yeah. But I’m here. I know what I want now.”

“Well, good for
you, but the world doesn’t revolve around you and what you want at all times.”

“So you don’t
feel anything at all for me? What I felt when we were together, you didn’t feel
that?”

“Together.” She
snorted. “It was just sex.”

“Not to me, it
wasn’t.”

It hadn’t been
for her, either. How could she trust him, though? She’d already put herself
through so much unnecessary pain because of him. And he could say whatever he
wanted, but what if she was just another contest he was determined not to lose?
Especially since he’d lost so much face in the contest to win Carolina.

“You were so
sure about Carolina.”

“I was so
wrong
about Carolina.”

“Oh, and now
you magically know it’s right, whatever this thing is you feel for me?”

“I know that
whatever I felt for Carolina, it didn’t feel a tenth of the way this good or
this painful. I feel joy and the worst kind of sorrow all at once.
Our time in that suite, Daphne.
I’ve never been so…so…happy.”
He said the word as if it were a realization for him. “I just want to go back
to those four days. Live them over and over again. Never stop.”

He stepped
closer, and she stepped away from him.

“And what’s
this about me asking you to wait forever? I didn’t ask you to wait forever.
It’s only been, what, not even three months. You couldn’t give me three
months?” He seemed absolutely crushed by the prospect.

No. She
wouldn’t let him turn this on her. She shook her head. “It’s been much longer
than that, Rain. Nine years.
Over
nine years.
I’ve been in love with you since our
freshman year.”

He looked down
at his hands. “I had no idea.”

“You should
have.”

He looked up at
her. “You never said anything.”

“Can you blame
me?” She bit her lip. He went back to staring at his hands. “I mean, what would
you have done? If I’d told you how I really felt?” Maybe she should have,
though. If she’d killed their friendship early on, then she would have never
had to deal with this mess they were in now. She thought back to the dance
they’d attended together that one spring. He’d really had no clue? He hadn’t
been able to guess even on that night?

“So what, you
and this Troy, you’re happy together?” he asked.

“Why do you
need to know?” She didn’t want to take this Troy thing any further. She just
wanted him to let it go. She started to walk away. He put a hand on her arm.
She looked up into his hazel eyes. Big mistake.

“You’re being
incredibly selfish right now.”

“So let me go.
You won’t have to deal with my selfish ass any longer.” She stared at his hand,
separated from her skin by his glove and her jacket and shirtsleeve. Three
layers. That was both a good and a bad thing.

He pulled her
closer. She wanted to resist, but she couldn’t. He didn’t stop until she was
pressed against him. His lips brushed over hers lightly. She moaned and found
her traitorous body straining forward, her lips reaching for his. When his lips
finally closed over hers, she sank against him in relief.

She’d missed
his touch, his lips so much. She gave up her fight for the moment and clawed at
the back of his neck as she pushed her lips over his. He clutched at the back
of her jacket. His lips were firm yet gentle against hers. His tongue glided
against hers. Her pulse raced. Her body flooded with feelings and desires she’d
tried to bury and forget about. She was on fire for him in a way that she’d
never been on fire for anybody before. She wondered if she’d ever feel this
with anyone else. She both hoped and feared she wouldn’t.

When she was
finally able to force herself to pull away, they stood there facing each other.
She studied the naked desire in his eyes and was sure the same showed in her
own. She had to get out of there before they ended up spending a sweaty
afternoon, evening, and night in her bed. What she felt around him was barely
controllable. Animalistic. She shouldn’t be held responsible for her actions
when he was near, but somebody had to take responsibility for them.

He reached out
for her again, and she backed away, shaking her head.

“If you really
want me to go away, I’ll go. But after that kiss, I don’t think you do,” he
said.

“I can’t handle
this. I can’t handle you. I don’t want you.”

“That’s not
true.” He looked at her like she’d just told him the sky was green and the grass
was purple. He brushed his finger under her lower lip. “I just felt that what
you’re saying’s not true.”

He was right,
but she needed to not want him. “It wouldn’t work between us. Whatever it is
that you think you want with me—”

“A
relationship. A real one.”

“It wouldn’t
work.”

“How do you
know that?”

“You’d get
bored, Rain. You’re not a relationship guy. You’re just not cut out for it. Everyone
knows that.”

“You know
everything about me, huh?”

“Enough to know
I’m better off without you.”

“Okay. I don’t
want to make you miserable. I want you to be happy. If me going away
is
what does it, fine. I won’t call. I won’t text. I’ll
leave you alone.”

“Are you still
going to volunteer here?”

“Probably,” he
said. “I like this place. The dogs are the best part. But don’t worry. I’ll
work around your schedule.”

Disappointment
crept in no matter how hard she tried to shut it out. “Okay.”

“You mean so
much to me,” he said. “I want you to know that. I’m only giving up because it’s
what you want. Because I don’t want to cause you any more pain.
This losing you though.
It’s shitty. You should know that,”
he said. “You’re—you were the best thing in my life.”

“Even when you
ignored me?”

“I never
ignored you. But even during the times I was a self-absorbed fool, yes. Even when
I took you for granted, yes. You were the best thing in my life. I was lucky to
have you for every moment you were in it.”

She nodded. He
started to walk to the driver’s side door of his car.

“Rain?” she
called.

He stopped and
turned to look at her.

Thousands of
things ran through her mind. Doubts. Wondering if he really had changed.
Wondering if she was making a huge, fat mistake. “I’m sorry things didn’t work
out differently.”

He gave her a
small smile. “Troy better deserve you. And he better know how lucky he is.” He
got into his car and shut the door. She walked away in the direction of her
building, still trying to figure out how he could have possibly not known she’d
been in love with him for years. How could it have not been painfully obvious
how lovesick she’d been?

Chapter Twenty-Five

The
groundbreaking was the first of April. Daphne, Arlen, and the rest of their
team stood outside in their light jackets on the relatively warm spring
morning.

“I half feared
they’d call this morning and tell us it was all a cruel April Fool’s joke,”
Arlen muttered to Daphne during the speech given by their C.E.O. who had
followed the C.E.O. of the company that was funding the building of the mixed
income apartment complex.

“I know,”
Daphne murmured back. “I can’t believe it’s really here. After all the months
of planning and sweating and arguing and presentations.”

“Tell me about
it.” Arlen put an arm around her shoulders. “I would think you’d be more
excited.”

“Huh?”

“We need to
talk. I know you know what I’m talking about, so don’t even try it,” Arlen
said. He started clapping before she could respond, and there was a roar of
applause around them.

Daphne was
shocked when she was beckoned forth to dig the symbolic first shovel full of
dirt with a golden shovel. She’d expected her boss—the C.E.O. of the
nonprofit—or the other C.E.O. to do that. Her boss smiled at her, clapped
her on the shoulder, and told her she deserved it for all her hard work.

She was pissed
at Rain for an entirely new reason. He was ruining her celebration by haunting
her memories. She didn’t feel as much relief as she wanted to that he was
obeying her wishes and leaving her alone. She hadn’t heard a word from him. It
was even harder to not think about him. All she did was
wonder
what he was doing with his free time. Probably not thinking of her. She’d
probably convinced him to move on. That was what she was supposed to want. So
why couldn’t she be happy about that?

He wasn’t good
for her. He was fickle. If he thought he meant what he said now, it was just
the thrill of the chase making him think that. After all, he’d moved on pretty
quickly from Carolina. And he’d claimed to love
her
.

But he said he
felt something for her that he’d never felt for Carolina. So? He’d always been
good with words. She didn’t dare cave in. She had to stop reading too much into
her memories of the way he’d looked at her.

When they got
back to the office, they had a small party in the kitchenette to celebrate with
a carrot cake and ginger ale. Arlen and Daphne stood off to the side after
gushing with their co-workers for a while about the groundbreaking.

“So. You have
it bad for this guy. Really, really bad,” Arlen said.

“What guy?”
Daphne asked.

Arlen gave her
a look. “Don’t even try it. You’ve been slowly blowing off all those guys you
were dating.
Poor Troy’s barely hanging on by a thread.”

“You noticed
that?”

“I noticed
that.”

Daphne stared
into her cup of ginger ale. “He came to see me at Dogs for Vets.”

“You didn’t
tell me about that.”

“I’m telling
you now.” She gave a brief recap of what’d happened a few weeks ago when Rain
showed up at the place where she volunteered.

Arlen gave a
low whistle.

“What?”

“Sounds like he
has it bad for you, too.”

“Please. He
thinks he wants me because I’m not falling all over myself for him. He likes
the challenge.”

“He seems to be
working awfully hard for a guy who’s never had to work hard for a woman in his
whole entire life,” he said. “That barrage of flowers he sent here back in
February couldn’t have been cheap. Not by a long shot.”

Rain had
ordered enough flowers to fill half the office and had them delivered.
Beautiful flowers. All sorts of different types and colors. She smiled faintly.
“It’s not like he didn’t have the money. He’s used to throwing it around.”

“Does he still
volunteer at Dogs for Vets?”

“Yeah. He’s
apparently really good with the dogs, and he likes helping out with the books
as well. Gladys can’t stop singing his praises. Gladys and Sandy tell me how
lucky we are to have him.”

“We?”

“They.” She set
her cup on a nearby table and hugged her arms across her chest.

“Maybe he
really does deserve a second shot. I mean, hearing the guy out isn’t the same
thing as making a lifetime commitment to him.”

“You little
Benedict Arnold,” she said.

“Hey. I just
want to see you happy.
If this guy can do it, great.
If he hurts you, though, he’ll have to answer to me. You know I started going
back to Body Pump.” Arlen flexed and gave her an over-exaggerated grimace.

 
“Maybe I should hear him out. That
doesn’t mean I have to give him another chance, right?”

“Maybe you
should do that, too.”

“I don’t know
about all that.”

“You’ve been in
love with this guy forever, right? But did you ever try to tell him that?”

“Well, it’s not
like it wasn’t obvious.” Despite her words, she thought back to how shocked
Rain had seemed when she’d told him that in the parking lot of Dogs for Vets a
couple of weeks ago.

“Maybe it
wasn’t to him. He seems like the type to easily get preoccupied with himself.
That notwithstanding, you’ve known he was hurting you for years. But how long
has he known it?”

Daphne looked
across the room at a group of her co-workers talking and laughing. The
atmosphere in the office was lighter now that the groundbreaking had taken place.
A collective sense of relief seemed to have settled over them now that
construction was starting.

“And once he
realized how seriously you were taking things, and what he might have really
meant to you after all, and perhaps what you meant to him. Once that happened.
How long did it take him to come searching for you, Daph? To try to get you
back?”

“I don’t know,”
Daphne muttered.

“I’ll bet the
answer isn’t nine years,” Arlen said. “Sure, the guy pulled some jerk moves.
Surprise, surprise, he’s not perfect. And maybe he shouldn’t have been playing
games with Carolina all these years. And maybe he should’ve realized how
amazingly fabulous you are sooner. He’s definitely spent way too many years of
his life being a womanizing dog. But maybe all that stops for you. Maybe he
really is willing to try harder. For you.”

She snorted.
“You sound like him. Did he pay you to say that?”

“No, and
believe me, I would’ve taken the money. Because I sure could use it.”

Daphne laughed.
“You’re terrible.”

“You love me anyway.”

“Unfortunately,
I do.”

“You see? It’s
not impossible to love imperfect people.”

Daphne smiled
faintly, thinking of the last time she’d seen Rain.
In that
parking lot.
She’d glanced back one last time. He’d looked so…lost,
sitting there in his car. Like he had no idea where to go or what to do next.
Had she been responsible for that?

Was she ready
to take another chance on him? She didn’t know if her heart could withstand the
impact. She was finally starting to get over him after all these years. At
least she thought she was doing a decent job of that. She wasn’t sure she
wanted to regress. She wasn’t sure if Rain Foster was worth it.

Rain and chocolate cake.
If she cheated on her Rain diet,
she had a feeling there would be no going back this time. Whatever happened,
she might not recover from letting her guard down for him again.

#

Wednesday when
Rain got home from the gym, he called Carolina. He’d been thinking about her a
lot that week. At the gym, it hit him that he really needed to talk to her
about Daphne.

“How’s married
life?” he asked.

“Great,” she
said. “We bought a house near Ma’s. We closed on it last week,” she said,
sounding really excited as she went into more details about the house.

“I thought you
wanted to stay in Manhattan.” He remembered that she’d had an apartment there
before she got married.

“I changed my
mind,” Carolina said. “I realized how much I missed my family and being near
them. Plus, it’s crazy how much money we’re saving.” She went on about the
house for a little while longer. Then she asked him about work. They made
awkward small talk for a while after that until he got to the point.

“I’m sorry,” he
said. “I don’t think you ever got the apology you deserve from me, so I’m
giving it now. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. You deserve better.
I’m glad you found better. I really am.”

“Okay,” she
said warily.

“I’m such a
terrible person.”

“What is this
all about, Rain?”

He delved into
the entire story about Daphne. He left out most of what happened in San Juan
after the wedding because talking about that with Carolina seemed like too
much, and because it was something he wanted to only share with Daphne. He did
tell Carolina about how his feelings for Daphne had changed. Or rather, how
he’d realized they’d been dormant for too long. He also told her about how he’d
screwed everything up when they got back to D.C. and now Daphne wouldn’t even
talk to him.

“I was focused
on the wrong things,” he said. “I hurt you both because of that.” He closed his
eyes and banged a fist against the side of his head.

“I’m happy,
Rain.
Very happy.
And I have no regrets. Not about
anything between us, not about anything that happened at all. If things hadn’t
worked out just the way they did, who knows if I would’ve met Manny or not? And
you’ve been a great friend to me despite some…rough patches. I knew what I was
in for with you even if I didn’t always want to know it. So don’t beat yourself
up over anything, okay?”

“So you forgive
me?”

“Yes. I forgive
you.”

“I’m glad
you’re happy.”

“I want you to
be happy, too.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you told
Daphne any of this?”

“I’ve tried.
She doesn’t want to hear it.”

“I can
imagine.” Carolina gave a sympathetic little laugh. “Rain, I’m saying this
because I love you and I want you to be happy, but you know you can be selfish,
right?”

“Thanks.”

“Rain, honey, I
don’t think you do it on purpose—most of the time—but you can be so
blind to the needs of others. Your parents never say no to you. No one says no
to you, and you’re used to having things perfectly your way.”

“I’m glad you
think so highly of me,” Rain said dryly.

“Just think
about it a little. And try to think about what Daphne needs right now.”

“That’s all
I’ve been doing lately.”

“Is it? Or have
you been trying to think of ways to win?”

“Why do those
things have to be mutually exclusive?”

Carolina
laughed. “I’m just trying to open your eyes to a few things.
Keep
trying, though
,
Rain
. I do believe you have
real feelings for her even if you maybe have a little soul searching left to
do. You know, I could always kind of tell how you felt about her even though I
didn’t want to see it. And I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. I guess you
aren’t the only one with selfish jealous tendencies.”

“Huh,” Rain
said. “You think I’ll have a chance with her?”

“You better
show her you deserve one. She’s been through a lot with guys. Almost every
boyfriend she’s ever had has cheated on her.”

“I didn’t know
that.”

“She wouldn’t
want you to, but I think you need to know.” She took a deep breath. “Be careful
with her.”

“I will.” What was
Carolina trying to say? Of course he cared about Daphne. And he’d tried to show
it, but she wouldn’t let him. But had he always tried to show it? Maybe he’d
taken more from their friendship than he’d given to it from the start. Maybe he
hadn’t known she was in love him for nine years, but he’d supposedly been her
friend all that time. Had he acted like it?

“Be good, Rain.
Don’t do this unless you’re doing it for the right reasons.”

“Right.”

They talked for
a while longer. Skylar beeped in, and Carolina needed to go anyway, so Rain
switched over. “What up?”

“Rain! Bevyx
bash. My place. Saturday. You’re there.” Skylar had mentioned this at softball
yesterday, but Rain had changed the subject.

“I don’t know.
My triathlon is two weeks away. I should spend this weekend training, eating,
and sleeping and not doing much else.”

“So you’ll have
almost two weeks to recuperate. Trust me, it’ll be worth it. Plus, you have to
be there. I wouldn’t have closed the deal that infused Bevyx with the new
capital it needed to go to the next level a few years back without you. That
and the deal with your uncle have given us the boost we need to go forward yet
again. Thanks to you, we’re going global, man. Global!”

“Yeah, well,
I’m happy for you. I really am. But I have a lot to do. The
triathlon’s
south of Richmond. I haven’t even booked a hotel room yet.”

“This from the
man who has an allergy to advance planning.
Like me.
I
know you better than that because we’re one and the same. You know you don’t
need two full weeks to get ready for this thing. C’mon, man. I’m tired of you
being a ghost.”

“I’m not a
ghost.” Which was kind of a lie. But he had to stay focused, not give his mind
a chance to stray. He’d been training, working, and volunteering at Dogs for
Vets. That had been his life for the past few weeks. He’d avoided Daphne per
her wishes since that first day he’d volunteered. No volunteering on her shift,
no phone calls, not a single text. If he strayed from his routine, he risked
his mind straying. Even with the routine to focus on, things were pretty
shitty.

“You can be at
my party, and you will be.”