Authors: Jessica Wilde
"Joss? Baby, what can I
do?"
"Uuggh. It's okay, I'm
okay."
"Do we need to go to the
doctor? Maybe I should call--"
"No. No, don't worry. It's
over. I'm okay. Just a little woozy."
I opened my mouth to argue, but
quickly snapped it shut when her color came back into her cheeks and she looked
up at me, her dark eyes filled with exhaustion.
"Please, Andrew. Just help
me to the bathroom?"
She covered her mouth with a hand
and started to climb out of the bed. Before she could get her legs over the
side, I slipped my arms underneath her and lifted her small frame. She didn't
protest and instead, wrapped her arms around my neck and dropped her head on my
shoulder.
I tried to help her clean up, but
she had quickly put an end to my hovering and said I would get my chance after
the surgery, but she needed to do it herself for as long as possible.
"I can brush my own teeth,
sweetheart," she said wryly and grinned, trying to ease the tension in the
small bathroom.
I rubbed the back of my neck and
nodded, almost missing the endearment because of the knot in my chest.
"Okay. I'll um… I'll go check on Liv then."
"Thank you."
I shut the door behind me and
found Monty rigid and alert at the foot of the bed, his ears twitching, waiting
to hear how Jocelyn was doing. He had been lying at the foot of the bed when we
went to sleep, but wandered out of the room and into Olivia's sometime during
the night.
"She's okay, buddy."
His head turned, like he was
daring me to lie to him again.
I shoved a hand through my hair
and looked down at him. "I don't know, okay? You know how stubborn she
is," I muttered and pointed to the door.
He huffed and moved to the closed
bathroom door, dropping down with his nose in the crack underneath.
I shook my head, just as
frustrated as he was, and walked out of the room. Liv was still asleep in her
bed so I went downstairs to start some breakfast.
Chris told me I wasn't allowed to
come back to work until Joss was recovered from the surgery, but he gave me the
opportunity to do some paper work and scheduling at home so I could keep my
pay. I sent him a quick text to let him know I wouldn't be working at all today
and he immediately responded, telling me to give Joss a hug from him and Jenny.
I made some oatmeal with a plate
of fruit and a piece of toast and had just set it on a tray to take upstairs
when she walked into the kitchen dressed for the day with Monty at her side.
"You were supposed to get
back in bed," I scolded her.
She just smiled and sat down at
the table. "I need to get out today, Andrew."
"If you are feeling sick,
Joss, I don't think--"
"Please, Andrew. I'm fine,
believe me. Whatever this thing is, it's just in a place that makes me dizzy
and gives me a headache. I'm good now and I think we should go to the park
today, let Monty run around and get out of the house."
I couldn't argue with her. Not
when she was so determined and I didn't want to disappoint her. I set the food
in front of her and pulled a chair out next to her, staring at the chip on the
table's surface.
I felt her small, cold hand on my
cheek before she spoke.
"Listen, sweetheart. I know
we haven't been thinking about it, but I need you to know, if I have to do
chemo after the surgery…" She took a deep breath as I looked at her, she
looked so tired. "I won't be able to enjoy days like this for a while and
I would rather go out now instead of when I know I will be sick most days. I
might be having a bad day, but it could be worse."
I turned my head and kissed her
palm, pressing it to my lips and nodded since I couldn't say no to her if my
life depended on it. "Okay."
She smiled, but it didn't quite
reach her eyes and I worried that she was trying to make me feel better when
she wasn't sure how she felt. She knew what she wanted, though, and I would be
damned if I didn't give her everything I could.
We ate breakfast and got Liv up
and fed before we all got ready to go to the park. Monty looked like he was about
to jump out of his fur, he was so excited to get out. I loaded him and Liv into
my car while Joss packed some snacks.
She looked better than she had
when we woke up, but she was struggling to carry the small bag on her shoulder.
I looked up just as she stumbled in the doorway and put her hand on the frame
to steady herself. I was there before she could take another step, my heart
completely leaping out of my chest.
"I just got a little dizzy,
that's all," she tried to reassure me, but it wasn't working.
"Joss, maybe we
should--"
"No! I'm not staying in this
house today. We all need some air and I want to watch Liv swing at the
park." Her voice cracked with her last words and her eyes pleaded with me.
I was once again reminded that she was just as scared as I was, but she wasn't
going to let that fear stop her from enjoying her life as it was right now.
"Okay," I said and
offered her my arm. It seemed that was the only word I could ever say anymore.
She nodded sharply and took my
arm, leaning against me to keep steady and walked with me to the car. When she
sat down, her head dropped back and her eyes closed. I watched her for a moment
before shutting the door and saw how relieved she looked. Being cooped up in
her bed wasn't doing anything but making her restless, which wouldn't help
anything.
When we pulled up to the curb at
the edge of the park, Olivia started clapping and shouting, "Swing,
swing."
Monty's tail was going crazy and
would occasionally smack her in the face, which made her giggle, which made
Jocelyn giggle, which made me feel like the luckiest man alive.
We slowly made our way to the
grassy area by the swing set and I set out the blanket so Jocelyn could lie
down. After tossing a ball for Monty to chase and getting Olivia's shoes off to
play in the sand, Jocelyn had already gotten settled on her back and closed her
eyes.
She had said if she needed chemo,
her days would be guaranteed to be worse. I silently prayed that whatever this
tumor was, removing it would fix everything. I didn't think I would be able to
watch her suffer through endless nights of nausea and always wondering if the
medicine was even doing its job. But I would. I wouldn't leave her side. I
wouldn't leave her alone.
I helped Liv up into the swing
and started to push her while throwing the ball for Monty whenever he brought
it over to me. There wasn't anyone else around, which seemed odd for the
afternoon, but I was glad there weren't more kids running around. Jocelyn
needed to rest a bit.
A half hour later, Liv was done
playing in the sand and was ready for a snack. Joss had been watching us from
her spot on the blanket and smiled brightly when I walked over with Liv trying
to sweep the sand out of her hair and pants. She wasn't holding still and I
ended up chasing her part of the way with her collapsing on top of her mom,
giggling.
"You silly girl," she
said and tickled her.
I handed her the pack of fruit
snacks and she moved to sit next to Monty on the grass and started talking to
him and sharing her treat. He sat rigid with his ears perked, watching her pop
each one into her mouth and hurried in to snatch up any she offered.
I stretched out next to Jocelyn.
"You good?" I asked and ran my hand across her stomach to grasp her
waist and slide her closer to me. She was so soft and seemed so fragile in my
arms.
"I'm great, Andrew,"
she sighed and looked up at the sky.
"Good."
I shifted down until I could rest
my head on her stomach and she immediately buried her fingers in my hair and
started massaging my scalp. I moaned as the pleasure rippled through the rest
of my body. Her hands on me was the greatest feeling in the world. I closed my
eyes and basked in her touch while listening for any movement from Olivia,
ready to get up if she wanted to play more.
"Relax, babe. She won't go
too far."
I chuckled, "I
am
relaxed. I just don't want you to have to get up."
She was silent for a few moments,
then sighed and cupped her hand under my chin and tilted my face to look at
her. I did willingly and saw her eyebrows knitted together and her lips pursed.
I wanted to kiss those lips and make her forget whatever it was that was
bothering her.
"I can do this, Andrew. I
know I may not have given you that impression at first, but I promise you, I
can do this."
I sat up and shifted so I could
cradle her face in my hands. I kissed her softly, feeling the softness of her
lips press against mine and enjoying the shiver that ran up my spine, then made
a trail of kisses down to her chin, across her jaw and over her cheek to return
to her now smiling lips.
"I know you can. You just
don't have to do it alone anymore."
Her smile widened, but her eyes
misted and I couldn't do anything other than kiss her like she was the air I
needed to breathe.
She was.
I wouldn't know what to do if I
lost her.
The heart-wrenching fear that I
had kept at bay for the last week suddenly curled around inside of me.
"I love you, Andrew,"
she whispered against my mouth.
"I love you, too." I
kissed her harder and wrapped my hand around the back of her head to keep her
close.
Don't leave me,
I wanted to say, but kept quiet.
Please, don't
leave me.
Jocelyn
Our last day at the park was the
last day of sunshine, both literally and metaphorically. Andrew retreated into
himself after we got home and by the time we got Olivia into bed, he hadn't
spoken more than a few words to me.
I already knew this kind of thing
was hard for
me,
hard to put on a happy face and pretend like I wasn't
affected. I didn't realize how much of an effort he was putting into it as
well.
There was nothing we could do
about it, though. We just had to be patient, but as the days went by, it was
almost impossible to put a smile on my face.
Ben and Linda showed up a couple
days later with their two kids, Evan and Sarah, who were 7 year old twins.
Linda looked like she was about to swoon when Andrew gave her a hug after being
introduced. I started laughing after Ben yanked her away from him and told her
she was stuck with him whether she liked it or not. They bickered back and
forth for a minute about his belly and I was in tears with laughter. Evan and
Sarah just rolled their eyes and started playing with Olivia in the living
room.
I had missed them more than I
realized and Linda and I were crying five minutes into our discussion about the
wedding. She almost yanked my arm off trying to see the ring.
"Oh, Joss. You look so
happy," Linda said after the guys walked outside to start the grill for
hamburgers.
"I am."
"He treats you well?"
I smiled and nodded, "Better
than well. He's wonderful."
"Yes he is," she sang
and cocked her eyebrow as she peered out the door to look at him.
I slapped her on the shoulder,
"Stop it! Ben is going to have a heart attack if he thinks he has to
compete with that."
"Ha! Like he would have to.
That man is stuck to you like glue, sweetie. I can tell he really loves
you."
"Yeah, he does," I
sighed. "That's why it makes everything so much harder."
"Mommy!" Olivia
screamed from the living room, startling both of us and making me jump out of
my chair to hurry over to her. My head swam as I shot up and I stumbled after
the first couple of steps, but caught myself in the doorway of the kitchen.
"She's okay, Joss,"
Sarah shouted. "I just scared her a little."
I was clutching the door frame
and trying to clear my head, relieved that my little girl wasn't hurt, but
concerned that the dizziness was only getting worse. Linda was at my side with
her hands on my elbows, attempting to steady me, but I could feel myself start
to fall and the tile floor was rushing up to meet me.
"Joss!"
Strong arms wrapped around me
before I face planted and hauled me up against a firm chest. I closed my eyes
and took a few slow, deep breaths as Andrew held me. He must have heard Olivia
scream because only a few seconds had passed since I had stood, yet he was
there to catch me.
"Take her upstairs,
Andrew," I heard Ben command. "Let's give her a little break."
I felt Andrew's arms slide
beneath my thighs and he lifted me into his arms. I was still trying to hold my
head steady against the dizziness and didn't realize I was lying in my bed
until he returned with the garbage can from the bathroom.
"I'm sorry," I rasped.
"No, baby. You have nothing
to be sorry about."