‘E
MMA, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? MEG
called and said you took off yesterday, but no one knows where you went. I’m about to board a plane and you have me completely freaked out. I’d better have a voicemail from you waiting when I land or I’m going to lose it.’
Just thinking about what I
should
tell Sara made my chest hurt. Instead, I called and said, ‘I’m fine. I’m at the house. Hope you had a good flight and call me when you can.’ Simple. Factual. But avoiding the truth.
Feeling like my insides were filled with cement, I climbed out of the SUV and walked towards the house. I had been up all night and I was too tired to get my bags from the trunk. When I got closer, I found Cole waiting for me on the front step. Evidently he’d received my text letting him know he could pick up his SUV any time after eleven. I kept my eyes on the sidewalk, not wanting to face him until I had to.
Standing in front of the stairs, I slowly raised my head.
His face was smooth and emotionless. His blue eyes scanned my limp face.
‘I owe you an oil change,’ I said flatly, holding out the keys and dropping them in his outstretched hand.
‘Where’d you go?’ he asked, his voice carefully neutral.
‘To try to fix things with a friend,’ I answered, focused on the fading paint on the bottom of the stoop.
‘Did you fix things?’
‘No,’ I whispered, swallowing the failure in the back of my throat. ‘I was too late.’ My lip quivered, and I closed my eyes to keep the tears from escaping. But they fell along my cheeks anyway. I could’ve blamed my emotional vulnerability on exhaustion, but that wasn’t true. I hurt, much deeper than the tears rolling down my face.
‘I’m sorry,’ Cole offered with sincerity. He rose from his perch and stepped towards me, wrapping me in his arms.
I could only nod, afraid to open my mouth because I didn’t want to let out all that was trapped behind it. My failure to find Jonathan, to stop him and to make things right before he disappeared, crushed me. He hadn’t responded to a single message I’d left, begging him to call me.
The final voicemail message I’d left at five o’clock this morning, before I drove back home, still echoed through my head.
‘It’s me again. This is my last message. I’ve been up all night driving, and thinking about what happened that night. And I wish I could take it back, every word I said. Because I was wrong. I wish I could’ve told you in person, but I don’t know where you are. Please don’t leave. Call me.’
Jonathan was gone. Staring into the window of his abandoned apartment, seeing that it had been completely
cleared out, hit me harder than I was prepared for. I wanted to see him. I missed him.
I missed talking to him, missed the way he could make me laugh at the times I needed it most. I missed our late nights, both of us unable to sleep and making fun of infomercials in the early hours of the morning. Wanting more than anything to hear his voice one more time on the other end of the phone, waiting for me to call him … no matter what time or for what reason. Now he was no longer waiting.
I screwed up. I screwed up so bad. The acrid guilt ate at me with each mile I drove. But I was too late. I always realized the truth too late.
Cole stroked my hair as the tears continued to cascade down my cheeks, soaking into his shirt.
‘I’m sorry I left like that yesterday.’ My voice was muffled against his chest. ‘I was panicked, and I didn’t know how to explain …’
‘It’s okay,’ he murmured in my ear. ‘I’m sorry I got so angry. I just … I don’t want anything to happen to you. And you scared me when you jumped. You didn’t even think twice, you were just … gone.’
I lifted my head and peered up at him. His eyes were heavy with concern. I ran my hand along the coarse blond stubble lining his jaw.
Cole brushed the tears from my cheek with his thumb. ‘I don’t like seeing you so sad.’
His words tugged at my heart. Then he lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me ever so gently, the brush of his lips igniting the charge between us.
I gripped the back of his neck and pressed my lips
against his so hard it almost hurt. I needed to feel him, to taste him, for his hands to touch me so I could release the ache – even if just for a little while.
Cole pulled me against him, answering my silent plea with a heavy breath of want, gripping me so tightly I could feel his heart beat. He clutched my hand and led me into the house and up the stairs without pause. Shutting the door behind us and securing the lock, he turned towards me and ran his fingers into my hair, overwhelming me with a kiss that shot through my entire system with a shocking jolt.
His muscles tightened along his back as I ran my hands up under his shirt, digging my fingers into his flesh. He pulled his shirt over his head and continued kissing me – my mouth, my neck, my shoulder after stripping off my shirt – like he could kiss away the pain, wanting to make me whole. I knew that even if he kissed me every second for the rest of my life, I would still be broken. But I didn’t want him to stop.
I devoured him as if he were a drug, desperate to push away the sadness. The taste of him, the cool scent of his skin, the heat of his flesh pressed against mine, fed the addiction and filled the void for the moment.
We lay on our stomachs under the covers, our faces pressed against the pillows, looking at each other. I leaned over and kissed his jaw.
‘Why do you put up with me?’ I questioned, my voice slightly above a whisper.
‘Maybe I like being tortured,’ he responded playfully.
I laughed.
‘I like making you laugh.’ His mouth formed that adorable tilted smile. ‘It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort. And I like getting you naked.’ He leaned in and kissed me, running his warm hand along my back. ‘I didn’t like what happened the last two days. I really thought … we were over.’ He pulled away so he could look me in the eye. ‘Is that what you want? To be over?’
I shook my head ever so slightly. It wasn’t the answer I should have given, but it was the truth. ‘But I can’t let you in, and that’s not fair to you.’
‘Let me decide that.’
I released a resigned breath. ‘Promise me one thing.’
‘What’s that?’
‘That you’ll leave, that you’ll walk away when I’m too much. Before I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m not strong enough to give you up.’
‘I won’t let you hurt me, Emma. I swear.’ He held me captive in the depths of his blue eyes, before leaning in and pressing against my lips. Cole rested his head back down on the pillow. I watched him close his eyes and eventually drift to sleep.
As I watched Cole beside me I found my thoughts drifting towards Jonathan.
No one could ever love you.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the hate that had spewed from my mouth. He wasn’t going to call me back, and I didn’t blame him.
My search for redemption was futile. Words couldn’t be unspoken, and the damage they did was irreparable. I knew that better than most.
But there was something more that kept me from falling asleep. Jonathan was planning to do something he
could never undo – I needed to find him. I had to go to New York. If that’s where he was, then that’s where I needed to be.
I was roused by the sound of my phone vibrating. Lifting my heavy head, I peered at the clock. It was after four in the morning. I was about to roll back under the protection of Cole’s arm when panic set in.
Jonathan.
The phone fell silent. I slipped out of the bed and knelt on the floor, frantically searching the clothes abandoned on the floor in the dark. I slid a T-shirt that smelled of Cole over my bare skin and located my shorts just as my phone started up again. Seated next to the bed, I held it up and paused at the sight of the McKinleys’ number on my screen.
I sighed, bracing for a lecture on the other end of the phone, assuming Sara had arrived home and called me as soon as it was daylight, not caring about the three-hour time difference. But just as I said, ‘Hello,’ it struck me that it wasn’t possible for Sara to be home yet, and dread crashed into my stomach like a large stone thrown from a cliff.
‘Emma?’ Anna confirmed. ‘Emma, honey, it’s Anna.’
I couldn’t breathe.
‘Hi, Anna,’ I managed to choke out. Her voice was alarmingly distraught, even in the few words she’d said.
‘Emma, something awful has happened,’ Anna continued, her voice cracking. ‘It’s your mother.’ She paused. ‘She took her life late last night.’
I was in the dark, deep in a hole that chilled me to the bone. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t feel anything except the cold. I clutched my knees to my chest and began rocking my trembling body.
‘Emma? Are you there?’
Her voice was a distant buzz in my ear. ‘Honey, can you say something?’
‘She’s dead,’ I muttered, my voice sounding foreign, like it was coming from outside of my body.
‘Yes. I’m so sorry.’ Anna’s voice wavered. ‘We’re going to get you home as soon as we can. I’m making arrangements now, okay?’
Her voice disappeared, and I was isolated in the dark again, unable to hear her. I lowered the phone and braced myself against the frigidness that enveloped me.
I hate her, Sara, I hate her so much … I wish she were dead.
‘Emma?’ Meg broke through the voices. I squinted up at her in confusion. The room was so bright with the overhead light, it felt like I was staring into the sun. ‘Emma, can you hear me?’ She knelt down next to me, slowly coming into focus. Alarmed, I glanced around and noticed that there were more people in my room. Peyton was sitting on the bed, and Serena was on the floor on the other side of me, holding my hand.
I glanced up and saw Cole, watching me from within the open doorway. Luke and James were in the hall, talking softly.
My eyes flicked from face to face in confusion. Then I remembered. The air was expelled from my lungs as if my chest had been punctured. ‘Did I wake you?’ I questioned, focusing on Meg’s sorrowful green eyes.
‘No, you didn’t wake us,’ she assured me. ‘Sara’s mom called me. Emma, I’m so sorry.’
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders as Serena
squeezed my hand. I patted her on the back gently, trying to console her. I was still in the dark, unable to connect with what was happening. So I let her hold me for as long as she needed.
‘I’ll see you when I get back.’ I hugged Meg and Serena at the kerb of the airport drop-off. Then I turned to face Cole. He examined me as if I were made of glass that was slowly cracking, fearing I’d shatter with the slightest pressure. ‘I’ll see you in Santa Barbara before you know it.’
‘I wish you’d let me go with you,’ he said, lightly running his thumb along my cheek.
‘I know,’ I responded in a hush. ‘But
I
don’t even want to go back. I have to. Besides, you have to get ready for finals, and you can’t miss classes. It’s better this way. Sara will be there, so I’ll be fine.’
‘Will you call me?’
I nodded. He leaned in and brushed my lips with his.
I left them behind me, my face masked with a faint smile of assurance, trying to make them feel as if I were more held together than I was. Then I turned towards the entrance, walking through the electric doors, and panic swept through my stomach like a turbulent storm. I concentrated on breathing as I rolled through security, half expecting to be pulled aside for suspicious behaviour as beads of sweat spread across my forehead.
I sat in a chair facing the runway, uncertain how I was going to force myself onto the plane to fly to the one place in the world I
’
d never intended to return. I hadn’t set one foot in Weslyn since the day I’d fled two years ago,
and I was on the verge of sprinting back out of the terminal to keep it that way when my phone rang.
‘Hi,’ I answered faintly.
‘How are you doing?’ Sara asked.
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, I know. Stupid question. I’ll be picking you up from the airport. I’ll help you get through this.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, wanting it to be over already. I’d kept myself busy contacting my professors to explain why I wouldn’t be in classes this week and arranging to make up the final exams later in the summer. I hadn’t stopped for a moment to think of anything – not until I stepped through the airport door, and the reality of what was happening became unavoidable.
‘Sara, I’m not staying in Weslyn.’
‘What? What do you mean? My parents are expecting you to stay at our house.’
‘I can’t.’ My voice was strained. ‘There’s a motel along the highway, right outside town. I’ll stay there. I really … can’t.’
‘Okay,’ Sara soothed patiently. ‘Just concentrate on getting on the plane. We’ll figure the rest out when I see you.’
The airline representative announced that they were about to start boarding.
‘I have to go,’ I told her. ‘I’ll see you later.’
‘I’ll be here,’ Sara assured me.
I boarded the plane and tucked my carry-on in the bin above before taking the window seat, excusing myself past two middle-aged men dressed in business suits. I gazed blindly out the window as my breath shot out in short bursts.
‘Don’t like flying?’ the man next to me asked, eyeing my hands twisting around each other in my lap.
‘It’s more about the landing,’ I murmured honestly.
‘I fly all of the time,’ he assured me. ‘There’s nothing to worry about.’
I nodded, trying to push my lips into a smile, but failed to look anything other than terrified. I closed my eyes and clenched my hands into fists, willing myself to calm down. I was on the verge of a full-on panic attack.
‘You could use a drink,’ he observed with a slight chuckle.
‘Too bad I’m only nineteen.’
He eyed me like I was losing my mind. Which wasn’t far from the truth. ‘If you’re going to be like this the entire flight, I’ll buy you a drink.’
‘Sure,’ I responded, desperate to be rid of the anxiety.
Once we were in flight, the two men each ordered a vodka and soda while I requested a water. I was surprised when they both handed me their drinks. I guess I wasn’t the best flight companion.
‘Thanks,’ I responded, reaching for my wallet to pay them back.