Out of the Blues (14 page)

Chapter Nineteen

Mason does the cray-cray.

“That is one gorgeous man.” Arden found me sitting on the farthest bench from the dancing. Thank God Harper hired a decent band this time because I sure as fuck didn’t feel up to entertaining her guests tonight.

“Which one, Mother, there are men all over the place.” I tried to sound bored and disinterested. We’d played this game countless times. I was ten the first time. Cody was on tour and Arden was free to roam about the country like the cougar she was. It was at our birthday party. He was a friend’s dad. I’m pretty sure she fucked him in the laundry room in Cody’s house. I’m also fairly certain she contributed to his divorce and then she didn’t want him anymore.

“That one, Kilby, is that his name? Harper is one lucky woman marrying into that family.”

“How do you follow?” I never knew where my mother’s train of thought was derailing to. Sometimes I wished I never asked. But I always did.

She patted my knee and gave me that smile like I knew what she meant. I didn’t. And then I did. “Jesus, Arden, Harper isn’t like you.”

“And isn’t that a pity, too. She could have them both since they’re not blood related, it wouldn’t be incest or anything. But then there’d be none for me. He has the finest ass.”

I closed my eyes and tried not to groan out loud. Not even an hour ago I’d been all over that man’s ass, and inside it. “He’s too young for you.”

“Thirty is hardly too young for me,” she purred, sipping her champagne.

“He’s thirty-two.” I have no idea why I was even having this discussion.

“Even better. Your stepmother is thirty-two or three, something like that. Good for the gander and all that.” I’m fairly certain Arden was very close to shitfaced drunk. She held her liquor very well and you couldn’t tell unless you knew her. I knew her too well. I was her which was why I didn’t drink anymore.

“You’re currently married to stepfather number six or is it seven now? Stop planning for number eight.” Oh hell, Kilby as my stepfather was…shit…why in the hell… “Besides, mother, he’s gay.”

She just smiled and nudged me in the shoulder. “Just makes him more delicious.” She licked her red lips and winked at me. “But if you’ve staked a claim I’ll wait until you’re done with him.”

“Oh fuck, just no.” I took her glass and drained it before handing it back to her. I had to get the fuck away from her. I had to get out of here before I hurt people. “It’s been real, mother. We should do this less often.”

I left her looking at her missing drink and found myself at the bar where I grabbed a beer, a real beer with real alcohol in it. I drained that and got another.

“I thought you didn’t drink anymore?” The voice was female, but not Arden. I turned and stepped into Harper’s path. I draped one arm over her shoulder and put my hand on her hip and moved her backward onto the dance floor that wasn’t far away from the bar. “So, it’s going to be one of those nights?”

I didn’t want to talk. Or dance. I nodded. “I guess. Mother—”

“Is sizing Kilby up for a tumble later, I noticed.” Harper held onto my upper arms as we swayed to the music.

I didn’t want to come off as jealous, but fuck, my mother… “It’s worse than that, she’s sure you’re going to be a happy, happy woman in that family, wink-wink nudge-nudge.” I tipped the bottle back. I was going to get shitfaced even if it took me all fucking night long. “And then she said she’d let me have first dibs before she went for him.”

I swear Harper laughed. “Oh, honey, if she’d heard what we heard through our walls this afternoon…somebody…and I’m not naming names, has already got that man well taken care of,” she said, patting my cheek. I tried not to flinch. I tried not to show anything. “He’s staring at you.”

“Harper,” I said knowing I whined her name. I could hear the whine in my voice. I was so fucking lost right now and I needed someone to talk to. I didn’t need teasing or what the fuck ever.

“Come on then, let’s go find someplace quiet.” She grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the crowd of old people shaking their groove thangs to some old country song that I didn’t know.

I linked my fingers with hers and followed her up to the hotel and in through the staff entrance to an office. She closed the door and kicked off her heels before collapsing into an overstuffed club chair. “Oh that is so much better.”

I sat in the chair facing hers and finished my beer. “Why in the hell are you wearing heels to a hoedown? Where’s your boots?” I wasn’t dressed in western wear either so who was I to question her choice of shoes.

“Mother,” she answered taking my bottle and scowling when she found it empty. “So tell me, are you getting quietly drunk because of mother? Or because you’re…uh, well, he did call your name so, best guess is—you protest too much, Mace.”

I picked up my bottle and scowled at it, remembering it was empty. Harper sighed and stood up. She went around the desk and opened a drawer, “Vodka or whiskey?”

“Whiskey,” I said. Because vodka did nothing for me.

She brought the bottle and two glasses.

“So you keep a hidden stash in your desk?” I took a glass from her and held it out while she poured and held it when she stopped. She gave me an eye roll and filled the glass.

“You’re going to end up puking in the bushes,” she warned.

“When have you ever seen me puke up my liquor?”

“I haven’t seen you much since we were eighteen, Mace.” And that was the real problem, wasn’t it?

“Yeah, well, you knew where I to find me,” I said managing to sip the whiskey. Scottish, nice. Meant to be savored not chugged.

“And every time I tried to visit you, you conveniently had plans.” She chugged hers, tipping the little bit in the bottom of her old-fashion glass back like it was water.

I closed my eyes and sank in the chair until I was reclining. Yeah, I’d done that to her. “I’m sorry. I was an asshole for a while.”

“Just a while?” I heard the bottle clank against her glass. Back when we were teens and unsupervised, we’d drink whatever was in the house. Our friends would get so sick trying to keep up with us. They didn’t know we’d been drinking for years, too many years. Hell, Arden gave us wine with dinner when we were children because that’s what the Italians did.

“Why aren’t we alcoholics?” I held my glass out for more. “And yeah, I stopped drinking so I’d be less of an asshole. I started noticing too many similarities between myself and our parents.”

“But right now?” She filled my glass and I watched her through my lashes.

“I had sex with him,” I whispered, swiping my hand over my face. “Harper. I am so…I don’t know what I’m doing right now. He’s got me so…”

She grinned at me and tucked her bare feet into the seat with her. “He’s got you rattled. I like seeing you rattled. I was beginning to think you weren’t human, that you really were like mother…and would just keep plowing through women who didn’t mean shit to you. At least until…”

“Please don’t bring that up.” Harper was the only person I confided that in, until Kilby. I’d never told anyone about Veronica.

“She tried to honey trap you, honey, of course I’m going to bring it up. You were trying to prove you weren’t…” she stopped and poured more whiskey in my glass. “Drink it, all of it,” she said and I did. This time I felt the burn of the liquor all the way down. “So you’re not gay, and Kilby is, and you’re doing what with him? Using him to figure your shit out? Because, Mace, that’s not you, even with bitches like that Veronica, you never used anyone.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Harper. I’ve never been with a man before.” I was so ashamed of myself right then. Was I using him? Was he using me?

“But you’re attracted to him?”

I drained my glass and set it aside while I considered her question. I nodded. “He likes…he lets me…oh god.”

“And you want more?” She always had a soft voice. When we were growing up we’d talk like this for hours, trying to make sense of the lives we led and our parents and that guy who tried to rape her. We were all each other had and I missed her.

“His voice…Harper…my whole body reacts to just his voice. I’ve…I don’t know what I’m doing. He says it’s fine. He says it’s just sex. He says…he lets me do things to him I’ve never done to anyone.”

“And you’ve never considered that you might be attracted to men before?”

“And there it is, why is it everyone seems to think I’m gay when I’ve never once done anything or said anything…even you, just tonight, knowing I’d…knowing about Veronica, knowing when I lost my virginity…when did I ever make you think I was into dicks?”

“I figured you were twelve-years-old when one of Cody’s groupies claimed your cherry, so I figured you were probably confused. Girls were always around, guys too. Cody had the best drugs and the best hangers-ons. Hell, I never once saw him kiss Mother, but he sure as hell kissed everyone else.”

I blinked rapidly. I was feeling the whiskey. Memories were coming back, memories I’d locked away. Memories of Cody, and Dave his bass player. Of that chick, who was always hanging on Dave, coming into my room. Yeah, I was twelve, she was probably high. I think Cody and Dave were fucking in his room and kicked her out.

“Mason?”

“I think she raped me.” I heard my words slur. “What the hell was her name?”

“Heather,” Harper said quietly.

“You knew?” I pointed an unsteady finger at her.

“I knew Dave tried.”

More memories pummeled me. Dave, the bass player Dave, teaching me how to finger his bass, tried to finger other things. “Cody ran him off for that.”

She sat for a long time. “He didn’t run him off before he climbed into my bed.” She blinked as rapidly as I did, but she had tears in her eyes.

“Wait? What did you just say?”

“Dave liked to slip into my room after the party broke up. He…was my first love. I…” She wiped her eyes. “I never told anyone. Sometimes I hated Cody so much, you know.”

I sat stunned, feeling the liquor, living the memories.

“Sometimes I resented how much he loved you. Sometimes I wondered if he…loved you too much. Like Dave did me…like that Heather did you. Like…never mind Mace, it’s the whiskey and I’m getting married and I don’t deserve him. He’s good, farm boy good. I’m…”

“Harper. No. You’re…don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

Because it would make me cry and we’d both be a mess. “I can’t help it. It’s been a fucking horrible day. Dad is an asshole, Mom is a drunk cougar, you’re fucking my brother-in-law…and I’m pregnant.”

“Pregnant…wait…why in the hell are you drinking…” I took the bottle and capped it.

“I found out this afternoon. Hunter took me to my doctor, and I’m knocked up. Six weeks. Maybe.”

“We’re pregnant.” I dragged her from her seat and into my lap. I let her curl up around me like she did before it all went to hell. “We’re going to have a baby?”

“There’s no we in this equation. I’m going to have a baby.”

“So, why are you upset?” I asked and then drew in a deep breath because I was going to get pinched for the next words out of my mouth. “It is Hunter’s, right?”

“I am not our mother. I don’t fuck around on…yes, it’s Hunter’s. I just wasn’t planning to be a mother. I didn’t want kids.” Her tears turned to hiccups. “I need to get drunk so very badly.”

“You can’t drink now.”

“I know that. I only had a little. Not like I drank half the bottle because I’m gay and getting no strings sexed by a hot fucking man.”

“I’m not gay.”

“And you aren’t fucking a Marine in the room next to mine?”

“One time. I fucked him one time.” I winced at the lie.

“I’m afraid I’ll…fuck up my life, like Arden fucked hers up. I’m afraid my kids will grow up like us. I’m afraid…I’m just terrified right now, okay? And I like you with Kilby. You smiled today. I haven’t seen you smile…ever. Anymore.”

I petted her hair and she cried on my shoulder until she was finished. “I like him,” I whispered, holding her close to me. “Harper, I liked fucking him so much.”

“Then let yourself be gay…at least for him…you’re the only one…Did Cody molest you? I just need to know that.”

“No. Cody never touched me.”

“Then why did he leave you everything and leave me out?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“I hated you for years for that. It’s just guitars and a fucking house. I don’t know why I hated you. I hated that house and I never learned to play.”

I closed my eyes and let the tears I’d been fighting since Denver come. My sister hated me for something I had no control over.

“I thought you and Cody, I thought…those days I’d stay at school and you would hurry home. I thought you were going home to be with him. I hated you because I loved him and he chose you over me and I got Dave.”

Jesus.

“We’re fucked up, Harper.”

“Pretty much,” she agreed.

“I never slept with Cody or anyone else in his band. Not Dave, not even the girl drummer. I slept with a few of the groupies, yeah. I did that. I stopped drinking and whoring and now I’m…”

“Falling in love with Kilby,” she finished the thought I couldn’t bring myself to say. “And you’re not good enough for him.”