Out of the Woods
Authors: Lynn Darling
For Dorothy Elizabeth Budnik Darling
Often and often it came back again
To mind, the day I passed the horizon ridge
To a new country, the path I had to find
âE
DWARD
T
HOMAS,
“Over the Hills”
Perhaps, being lost, one should get loster.
âS
AUL
B
ELLOW,
Humboldt's Gift
G
etting lost is easily avoided, say people who never get lost. Pay attention along the way. Keep track of the sun and the shape of the horizon. Turn around, every now and then, and look back at where you've been. Remember landmarks. Keep in mind your panic azimuth. Take your compass, take your bearings, take your time.
But sometimes, you don't pay attention. Sometimes, beguiled by the beauty of the passing moment, you walk along the path you chose a long time ago without noticing the subtle turn it has taken, the darkening sky, or the slight rustle in the leaves that means the wind is coming up. Something disturbs your mazy thoughts: a movement, swift and silent, catches at the corner of your eye. A twig snaps. The shadows begin to steal uncomfortably close. You quicken your pace. You come to a place where one path crosses another, and you stand, hesitant at the crossroads, as the trails diverge into the darkness like the spokes of a mysterious wheel. You hope that one of them will take you home, and when, eventually, it does, the relief is sweet and more sincere than the oath you swear that such a thing will never happen to you again, that you are done with luck and serendipity.
And when the road betrays you? When it dwindles and finally disappears, when the night erases all perspective? What do you do then?
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A
few years ago, the summer my only child left home for college, I moved from an apartment in New York City, to live alone in a small house at the end of a dirt road in the woods of central Vermont.
The house at the end of the dirt road was a small two-story wooden affair, sun-faded to a soft gray and fronted by a wide deck that was rapidly disappearing beneath a feral, unidentified vine. It sat surrounded by thick woods that sharply descended in back to a narrow rocky stream before rising steeply again on the other side, as if in a hurry to get to the next ridge. A secluded, isolated place: at night the darkness and the silence sometimes seemed to swallow it whole.
The inside of the house was a work in progress. There was no flooring except for the original pine two-by-fours laid down when the house was framed, and a slight echo underscored the emptiness of the place. Most of the rooms had not been painted and were covered in a haphazard layer of whitewash. Power to the house was supplied “off grid,” which meant that it was not connected to the local electrical network, and relied instead for light and heat on a less-than-adequate array of antique solar panels and a doubtful generator. The wiring was, to say the least, eccentric, and the amount of power available somewhat arbitrary, dependent as it was on whim and weather.
It would be nice to say that the charm of the place was so palpable that it allowed you to overlook all of its manifold faults, but in truth it was a rather plain, stolid-looking house, one that dared you to dress it up in any dreams and promised to teach you a thing or two if you tried.
The road leading up to the house was equally idiosyncratic. It branched off from a somewhat more substantial, better-tended secondary road without bothering to announce itself with anything so assertive as a signpost, and ran rapidly uphill, paralleling the same rocky little brook. Deeply rutted and pocked with boulders, the road bucked and heaved its way in winding roller-coaster fashion for about a half mile. Then it tipped its hat to a rudimentary driveway before plunging into the woods and narrowing into a bridle path bisected by fallen trees.
A difficult road, barely negotiable and going essentially nowhere, leading to a difficult house, the kind of house that might make sense if it had been left to you by a maiden aunt, but which, when considered as a property you would actually choose to spend money on, looks like a gargantuan misjudgment. I told myself that I had chosen the house because it was the only thing I could afford. That was true, as far as it went, but it wasn't the reason I decided to live there. I chose the house because of its warts, not in spite of them, because the house's cranky unfinished state reflected my own. One life was over and another was beginning, and I was no longer any of the things I had been, no longer young and not yet old, and because I had to figure out everything all over again, everythingâfrom where to live to how to dress and whom (or even whether) to love, because I had no idea of what to do next, and the middle of the woods seemed the best place to get one. I thought that I would see things more clearly from a place that had no part in my past, the way you climb a tree to get a perspective on the surrounding terrain, to put a name to the strange country into which you have wandered.
I moved to the house at the end of the road to make a new home, a new life, and it was only later that I would see that I had gone to ground, the way an animal does, because I was wounded and beaten and in need of retreat.
I had lived in the apartment I was leaving for twenty-three years. All of my married life had taken place there. It was the warm hearth to which I had brought the work I had done, the newborn infant in my arms, and the friends I had loved; it was the beating heart of my life as a young woman, a wife, and a mother.
I left because all of that had changed.
Time lets you down easily, most of the timeâthe day fades, the child grows. You trace the last of the light, you tell a bedtime story, not knowing that it is the last bedtime story, the last of a certain kind of homely light, until the moment when it ends, just like that, with the banal shock of a door slamming, with the abrupt lack of ceremony of a tumble down the stairs. The day that same child leaves home is one of these, and despite your best efforts, it can knock you off your pins. At least it knocked me off mine.
What had happened was this: I fell out of my own map. It's an easy thing to do, especially in middle age, but really it can happen at any time. We all live by different lightsâsuccess, for some, desire for othersâand take our bearings along different dreams. Some of us fly west with the night, into the unknown, urged on by adventure; others look only for the harbor lights, and stay safely in sight of home. But whichever way we choose, we come to rely on the sameness of our days, on the fact that for years at a time the road ahead looks much like the road behind, the horizon clear, the obstacles negotiable. And yet from time to time we stumble into wilderness. It can happen to anyone, at any age: the graduate putting away the cap and gown, the fifty-five-year-old rereading the layoff notice, the wife staring at the empty side of the still-warm bed. Now what? they whisper as they look ahead to a place where the landmarks disappear, and the map reads only
TERRA INCOGNITA
.
My daughter's departure left questions, big questions, that her presence and the warm hive of family life had made it easy to ignore, of who to be and how to live, of what, if anything, I wanted. By then, widowhood had shaded into a seemingly permanent solitude, without my having thought too much about it. Similarly with work: I had become a journalist straight out of college because a close friend offered me a job on a paper that didn't yet exist, which had saved me the trouble of deciding what to do for a living. Deadline stories written in a newsroom had led to magazine pieces written at home, at a more leisurely pace: Is that what I wanted now?
I was forty-four when my husband died and fifty-six when my daughter entered college. I was getting old, and I didn't know how to do that. So many people seemed to do it badly, and yet every once in a while, I would see something in the eyes of an old woman that intrigued meâa kind of triumph, a knowingness. I wanted to know where that look came from. I wanted to gather the tools that would enable me to grow old with grace.
I couldn't figure out any of this in New York. I wasn't sure why. I still loved the city, but I had lost my place in its furious striving. I had been a wife there, and a mother, but I had never been alone and never so confused as to what should happen next. I didn't know what to reach for, and New York is a dangerous place to live in without dreams, no matter how threadbare the old ones have become.
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S
o I went away, to live alone in a place where I knew no one, a place surrounded by a forest in which one could wander for hours without seeing another soul. It wasn't a rational decision; it wasn't even a decision, but an instinct, a drive that existed just below the surface of thoughtful planning. I needed to do this, and I needed to do it without getting lost.
That part was important. I had the idea, at this late and panicky point in my life, that if I could learn to find my way in the woods, then I would find my way through this next part of life. The wilderness is stagnant with metaphor from Dante to Hawthorne to Sondheim, but I wasn't thinking metaphorically: what I wanted, in the most literal way, was a sense of direction.
I get lost easily, always have. On winding country roads, on city streets, in parking lots. On mountain trails so well trodden and clearly marked they might as well be highwaysâbut then I get lost on highways, too, aiming for Albany and ending up near Boston.
For a long time I thought my lack of orientation was merely genetic, like blue eyes or a predilection for the bottle. Usually I didn't mind, and sometimes I liked itâgetting lost often led to unexpected adventure. But now that time had begun to thin, no matter how carefully I tried to hoard it, getting lost held less charm. If I were to make my own way in the country of the old, I needed to trust myself, and to do that, it seemed essential that I pare away all that was inauthentic from that mysterious being, my essential self. This scared me not a little: after all these years, I wasn't sure there was much there beyond a large capacity for self-doubt and self-delusion, and a certain agility in swinging between the two.
Experts in the field of direction talk about the difference between way keeping, which is simply the ability to stick to a certain path, following well-marked landmarks and signposts, and wayfinding, what you do when you must rely on yourself, your reading of the landscape and the decisions only you can make. We start out in life learning the first; with luck we end up knowing something of the latter, to the extent that accident and blessing give us a choice. Perhaps in the end that is what wayfinding amounts to: learning how to allow for accident, and make way for blessing.
Are we lost daddy I arsked tenderly. Shut up he explained.
âRING LARDNER,
The Young Immigrunts
P
eople behave oddly when they're lost. They run around in circles. They backtrack to the last intersection and then find another way to go wrong. They succumb to something called “wood shock,” in which they walk around in a trance for hours, often right past the people looking for them and then flee their rescuers. They climb trees, and fall out of them. They follow rivers downstream and end up in bug-infested swamps.
My personal favorite method for finding your way when lost is one that pops up in Canadian survival manuals. You turn around, stopping at four ninety-degree intervals, with your arm stretched out toward the horizon. You have a friend test the relative strength of your outstretched arm in each direction until you find the one where your arm is strongest: in that direction lies the place of your birth. Say you are standing in Nova Scotia and you were born in Pittsburgh and you know that Pittsburgh is southwest of Nova Scotia. With that bit of information, you can deduce the relative positions of north, west, south, and east and so, presumably, the way you should be headed.
Lost Person Behavior is the hottest thing in search and rescue these days. The idea is that you can predict where a person is likely to be found based on their psychological profile. A recent book on the subject identified forty-one different types of people who get lost in forty-one different ways, from children aged four to six, to hikers, hunters, the despondent, the dependent, abusers of drugs, and enthusiasts for extreme sports.
So in light of my particular profile these daysâmiddle-aged, confusedâperhaps it wasn't all that odd that I was sitting in the middle of a cornfield, asking a scarecrow for directions.
Besides, this wasn't just some ordinary scarecrow, fashioned from a couple of worn-out brooms and an old coat, or one of those cutesy
Wizard of Oz
types, leaking straw from patched-up jeans and red-checked gingham, that pop up as lawn decorations at Halloween. No, this guy was magnificent: over eight feet tall, barrel-chested, probably stuffed with steel wool, from the looks of him. He was dressed in a pair of old Carhartt work pants and heavy-duty Muck boots, with a gray flannel shirt tucked into thick oil-stained work gloves, one of which gripped an enormous coil of black rubber hose slung over his left shoulder, while the other clutched a pitchfork. A battered old fedora sat low over his face, a bandit scarf pulled up to meet it. A scarecrow that looked as he was meant to look: ready to inflict a terrifying doom on any avian creature dumb enough to challenge his authority.
The woman weeping at his feet conveyed a somewhat less imposing message.
It had been the scarecrow's posture that had caught my attention as I drove by. He was so artfully positioned in the cornfield that he seemed to be striding along at a terrifying pace, ready to mow down anything in his path. This was a scarecrow who knew where he was going. Which was more than I could say for myself, I thought as I studied him.
I was lost. I knew that I was somewhere between Maine and Vermont, but I wasn't sure of much more than that. Normally I would consider such a misadventure fairly routine by my standards, tiresome at worst and a pleasant if unplanned interlude at best. Normally I would keep driving until I found a cell signal, punched up MapQuest on the smartphone, and followed its directions while enjoying the chance to listen to a few more chapters of whatever murder mystery I had going. And that's what I would have done this time if I hadn't freighted this attempt to get from one place to another with a groaning board of metaphysical imagery and symbolic weight, a metaphor for the entire future. Under these circumstances, a murder mystery just wasn't going to cut it, and an empty cornfield in the middle of nowhere became the perfect place in which to unload an entire wagonload of pent-up grief.
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F
ive hours earlier, I had left my only child at the door of her new life, her first semester of college. The last good-bye had been lame; the official ones usually are. Zoë and I had stood facing each other at the edge of an oak-studded lawn, surrounded by the old brick buildings of a New England campus bathed in a lambent late-summer light. We both startled when the chapel bell rang with a proprietary insistence, calling her class to order. I took a long last look at her, as if I could take that image and curl my fingers around it for comfort like the pebbles I used to find in my coat pocket, the ones she used to put there for safekeeping. Finally, with an awkward hug and an apologetic smile, she turned and walked away.
I meant to get behind the wheel of the Jeep and drive off immediately, but when I looked up, I found I could still see her, framed by the windshield, a few hundred feet away. She was standing in a small circle of young strangers, her fellow classmates, listening to the no doubt cheery encouragement of her dormitory's resident upperclassman.
She didn't see me. It was one of those rare moments when I could watch her unobserved, and try to see the person others saw, and not the being that love and familiarity rendered almost invisible. And so I looked at her: a tall, thin, knock-kneed girl, standing in a studied slouch, listing slightly to port with an inherent poise. I tried to imagine her four years from that moment, when I would come for her graduation, what she would be like then, how she would have changed. But I succeeded only in remembering the wild griefs and mistakes of my own college life and turned away quickly. It is a tricky business sometimes, to see your child as she is, to let her step out from behind the scrim of your own mistakes and regrets, your fierce and futile hopes for her own unmarred happiness.
Finally the small group turned and shuffled away across the lawn. I bent my head to the road map in my lap. Woodstock, Vermont, was about two hundred miles due west, more or less, of my present location. The officially sanctioned route, as I thought of it, thereby investing it with an authority to which it had never laid claim, the one recommended by Google Maps and MapQuest, was simple, if counterintuitive: head south on U.S. Interstate Route 95 until Portsmouth, New Hampshire, then west across the state on Route 101, and then finally north on Interstates 93 and 89 until the first exit in Vermont, which would drop me about twenty miles away from what was supposed to now be home.
This was not only the route my cell phone liked, but it was also the route recommended by that ultimate authority, the guys at the gas station. Two gas stations, in fact, the Sunoco in Woodstock, Vermont, and the Texaco in Brunswick, Maine. Both caucuses had pulled on their polite, patient “we're dealing with a flatlander” faces when asked about alternative ways to get from one place to the other. Sure, there were other ways to get there, they said. But they're slower. They uttered the word with emphasis and a kind of creepy finality, as if by “slower” what they really meant was “filled with things furred and fanged, lit by glimmering swamp light and haunted by the wraiths of vengeful women hunting down their faithless lovers.”
But that afternoon, I wanted no part of superhighways relentless as time, speeding out of one map and into another. I needed those slow-poky little roads. They would be dotted with small towns and country stores and old barns, farm stands, and intersections that invited you to stop and look around, idiosyncratic places that could bolster the reassuring sense that life continued, despite the fear beginning to hammer at the back of my brain that mine had hit a wall. These roads would take their time, in a syncopated rhythm of hills and flats, orchards and pastures, villages and strip malls. They were old routes shaped by the landscape, not blasting through it, and the places that grew alongside them were testimonies in brick and wood and marble to what had mattered to the people who lived there. In their details, I would see how Maine differed from New Hampshire, and New Hampshire from Vermont. I would be passing through somewhere, rather than anywhere.
I studied the map. That is to say, maps: I had a book of Vermont maps, and another of New Hampshire maps. (What I didn't have was a GPS. That was cheating.) Both books chopped up each state into squares, one square to a page, none of them necessarily contiguous. Flipping back and forth among the grids, I figured out an alternative route that looked more direct and eschewed all highways. It was composed of a somewhat bewildering tangle of what were probably two-lane blacktops that unspooled like a web of thin spidery veins over a half-dozen unconnected pages. It would be a little tricky in placesâNew Hampshire in particular seemed dauntingly chockablock with massive lakes and mountains. But the beginning part was simple enough. I identified a smallish-looking state road that seemed to split off from Route 1, the Maine coastal road, at about the right latitude (if that was even the word I wanted), although it seemed to disappear once it arrived in New Hampshire. No matter, there was another one going in more or less the same direction. A lot of them, in fact. They crissed and crossed and do-si-doed all over the place, but eventually some of them evidently intersected with Interstate Route 4, which would take me directly into Woodstock. There were also a lot of alternative, even thinner lines that might or might not provide a shortcut, and a few roads that seemed to change their names simply for the hell of it before popping up in unexpected places. I thought about writing down a route but decided against it. It looked simple enough. And I wanted an adventure.
This day, after all, was not only an end but also a beginningâof a new life in a new world. I needed to get to where I was going according to my own lights, along a path I had chosen, not one generated by some witless computer program, or traced out by helpful strangers.
Later I would learn about route delusion and disorientation behavior and a whole lot of terms scientists use to characterize the bizarre ways people make an utter hash of getting from one place to another. At the time, however, I tossed the maps onto the passenger seat and pulled out of the parking lot, blinking away the last of the tears. You'll be fine, wiser heads had told me when I asked them how they got through this day. You'll cry, but then you'll feel light in a way you haven't felt in years.
I had doubted that second part, but as I slipped out of Brunswick onto the highway that would in turn tip me onto the coast road, I sensed it, that first stirring of exhilaration. It was a fine day, there was plenty of it left, and I was headed into a brand-new life, one in which, for the first time in many years, I had no idea what would happen next.
My husband, Lee, had died when Zoë was six, and in the beginning, and for many years afterward, life was a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. I don't mean to say there wasn't a rich complement of joy and deep satisfaction, along with the usual hardships of single parenthood, to accompany the archipelago that grief requires us to navigate, only that the way was straight and the direction clear. I had a child to raise and a living to make and I did these things cocooned in the warmly reassuring diurnal rhythm of playdates and sleepovers, of tête-à -têtes with other mothers, of teacher conferences and bake salesâand with little concern over the parts of life that might be missing.
But after my daughter entered high school, the soft focus and narrow spectrum through which I was used to viewing the world shifted sharply. Her new school politely made it clear to the freshmen parents that their involvement in their children's academic careers was essentially limited to attending school events and writing large checks on a regular basis. My daughter passed into that seemingly endless phase of adolescence during which an adult's presence was mainly required at times of intense unhappiness. More and more vacations and weekends were spent at other people's country homes or on the kind of educational jaunts meant to impress the jaded eyes of the college admissions committees in the rapidly advancing future. Soon, too soon, she would be gone.
I had begun to sketch out the outlines of my response to that inevitability about ten years before, though I didn't know it then. One of my two stepdaughters had been married at her mother's house in Barnard, a small hamlet about ten miles north of Woodstock. I was struck by the beauty of the place, a country of green hills and old barns and grazing cows, and by the faint breeze of memory it stirred of childhood visits in summer and at Christmas to the hardscrabble speck of a town in southern New Hampshire where my father had grown up.
The decision to spend time in Woodstock alone was a last-minute idea, impelled by my daughter's going to summer camp for the first time, by a July heat wave that made the prospect of an air conditionerâless loft in New York City unappetizing at best, and by the startling realization that for the first time in a very long time, I was facing a month in which I could do as I pleased.
Parents lead contingent lives, the personal put on hold, decisions of what to do next based on the needs, well-being, and schedules of others. That summer when it changedâif only for a monthâwas, I see now, a small intimation of what lay waiting around the wide bend of my daughter's childhood: the beginning of the rest of life.
The house I rented, sight unseen, and selected from the scant few that were still available, reflected the extemporaneous nature of that decision: it was an odd little place, painted a violent shade of pink, which perched precariously on a narrow bit of ground above the wide shallow river that wound its way through the village.
My temporary roost sported an eclectic conglomeration of architectural elements and was only sparsely furnished, the result of the recent divorce of the house's owners. The bareness of the place appealed to meâas did, to a much more limited extent, the ex-husband. Angus was a Ph.D. in botany who worked nights as a waiter so that he could dedicate his days to . . . well, no one was really sure how he spent his days, beyond Rollerblading and executing ill-conceived, highly public pranks, usually performed in costume and received with irritated wonder by the village's inhabitants. But he was a connoisseur of the country's beauty: he once took me to a waterfall hidden deep in the forest, a place so lovely that you could almost believe that dryads and fairies were real, I observed. Angus looked at me with a faintly pitying surprise. “Of course they are,” he said.