Outside In (13 page)

It probably would’ve been more mature just to talk to Dawn, but look where maturity got me before. How pathetic. I used to go straight ahead and overcome whatever was in my path. Now I weave through obstacles, allowing them to dictate my course. I’m like a fish in a pool, turning quickly to avoid what challenges it. My only decision is whether to go right or left to sidestep confrontation. I barely recognize myself anymore.

Stein cruises up on his bike on my way back to the red barn and reveals a cigarette cellophane containing five small pills. He says, “This ecstasy should provide a nice boost tonight.” He hands me a pill. “Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, keep them doggies rollin’.”

In the red barn we split a beer to wash the ecstasy down and do a bump to carry us through until the roll begins. Why wait? At this point I have to flow from one buzz to the next and not let myself come down.

A warm tickle spreads through my torso; my fingers relax and lips tighten; my thoughts and movements become concise. The red barn is no longer a suitable environment. Time to head back to the Round House.

The activity in the street energizes me. Stein pulls up a stool next to me on the porch. We’re at the top of the big hill, looking over the edge, ready to rush down.

Meadow emerges from the crowd, fanning herself. “I think I’ve sweated myself sober.”

“We purposely turn off the air,” I say. “The more you sweat, the more you drink. It’s all about selling alcohol. Where’s Lynn?”

“She wants to go,” Meadow says. “I know you’re busy, have work to do, people to see, blah, blah, blah, but after work come to the Skyway. If it’s too crowded, we can go back to the pool or to our condo.”

On the same seat six hours later, falling for a similarly direct approach. I’m so easy.

At the Skyway, Stein and I enter through the back door into the kitchen. Randy, the owner, whips around. “Oh, it’s just you, Stein. I thought I was going to have to get physical with somebody. People from the condos think the back door is an entrance. Since you got such a sweet ass, I’ll let you slide.”

“You’re so good to me.” Stein says. “Do you care if we bring some girls back?”

“Are you sure they can handle you?” Randy asks. “You better bring them back just in case they need me.”

Stein and I fish the girls from the dance floor. They beam and glisten with sweat.

“We need to freshen up,” Meadow says. “Where’s the restroom?”

Randy takes her by the hand. “Come on, sweetie, I’ll show you the back way.”

“Always the back way with Randy,” Stein says.

I wait for them to exit. “Whew, I feel awesome. This is my first time on this stuff. Do you think we got time for a bump?”

Stein says, “Maybe a small one, but I usually don’t mix the two. The coke overrides the ecstasy.”

Cinch isn’t here, so it’s up to me to assume his role. “Who cares?” I say as I remove the small baggie and stick the straw inside. “Be careful. Don’t inhale too hard. You’ll blow the back of your head off.”

Stein takes his turn, and then I inhale mine. I slide the bag back in my pocket as the girls return with Randy. My eyes begin to water, and I break into a sweat. I should have followed my own advice. “I need a drink. Anybody else?”

Randy says, “First round’s on me. Stein, give me a hand.”

Stein has a distant look in his eye. He probably overmedicated himself as well.

Meadow walks over and leans up against me, splitting the distance between my legs, helping me focus. “You are coming back to the condo with me, aren’t you?”

“Do I have a choice?” I ask.

“No, but we want to dance more. Whatever you do, just get me before you leave.”

Stein returns with cocktails and Jell-O shots. We slurp down the shots, and the girls take their drinks to the dance floor.

Randy says, “Aren’t you guys the charmers?”

I gulp down my vodka on the rocks. “They’ll come back. They always come back.”

My feet anchor to the floor and my body is numb. If the place were on fire, I would die in the flames. Randy refills our drinks. The tingling subsides. By the time the girls return I can feel my toes again.

Finished with the Skyway, we get a twelve-pack from Randy and walk back to the condos. My supplemental fuel still powers me, but I probably only have another hour or so before my body finally rebels and shuts down.

In the condo the couples quickly separate. Stein and Lynn go out on the balcony, and Meadow and I wander back to her bedroom.

At this point I’m functioning solely on instinct. All metacognition has ceased. Whatever thought flows through my mind comes out of my mouth. I go to the restroom for one final refueling.

When I return, her body, stripped to bra and panties, glows in the soft light from the candle flickering on the nightstand.

She removes my shirt and shorts. “I was hoping I would get to use this candle tonight.”

“Does that mean I should expect the hot wax treatment?” The filter is definitely out. I love it. Free to do and say whatever I want. I straddle her and reach behind to undo her bra.

She grabs my hands. “Hey genius, try the clasp in the front.”

After a few more seconds of fumbling, I remove the bra and slip my arms through the loops.

“Is there a history of this?” she asks.

“It looked so good on you, I thought I might give it a try.” I saunter over to the full-length mirror on the door. “Come stand with me. Let’s see how we look together.” I position her in front of me and kiss her neck. It smells like coconut. She leans forward and puts her left hand on the door for support. I trace the imprint the bra left with my lips while removing her panties. She places her other hand on the door and widens her stance. My hands descend to her hips with my thumbs resting in the dimples on
the small of her back. I control her movement, rocking her back and forth.

My legs begin to ache. I turn her around. “Let’s move to the bed.”

She climbs on top of me and does all the work. I feel close at times, but then nothing. Eventually she stops in frustration. “What do you want me to do? Is there something wrong?”

The truth is I’ve pushed my body to the point where a release is probably out of the question. It doesn’t matter, though. Right now, I don’t care about anything. I pull her near. “No. You feel incredible.”

She coerces me to stay until she falls asleep. We lie together naked except for the bra I’m wearing. After she drifts off, determined to take home a souvenir, I slip on my clothes over the bra and blow out the candle.

When I get to my bike behind the Skyway, people are inside cleaning, so I walk it to the road to avoid drawing attention. Once on Langram I flip on the lights and pedal home. The aerobic activity at the condo combined with my pedaling has given me a second wind, or maybe a third, or a fourth. I’ve completely lost count.

In the red barn, noise from Cinch’s room draws me into the bathroom to listen through the common wall. What at first sounds like conversation is now clearly moaning as Brooke alternately proclaims her faith in God and Cinch. The X must be working for him as well.

I move to the locked door. “Is everything all right in there? Let me in. I have something to show you.”

“Show us in the morning,” Cinch says. “There’s a surprise waiting for you, too.”

I shake the door to test its strength. “You better let me in.” Not hearing any movement, I push with my shoulder and pop open the door.

“Aaahhh!” Brooke hops in the middle of the room, pulling her panties up with one arm while reaching for a shirt with the other. Cinch is propped up in the bottom bunk with his back against the wall, lighting a cigarette.

“I guess I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.” I don’t even bother turning away while Brooke gets dressed. “Why was the door locked?”

Now fully covered, Brooke says, “Silly me. I thought it might give us some privacy.”

“Are you ready for my surprise?” I flash my new undergarment. “I guess I should’ve loaned you this when I came in.”

Cinch asks, “Where in the hell did you get that?”

“Stein and I went to a party, and some girl was talking how she only wears black bras and black thongs. Stein asked her to prove it, which obviously she wanted to or she wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place, and then I asked her if I could try it on. She agreed and I didn’t want to give it back, so I gave her twenty bucks for it.”

Cinch takes a long drag and exhales. “Don’t tell me you have her thong on, too?”

Brooke says, “If you do, we’ll take your word for it.”

“No, just the bra.” I sit down on the bed next to Cinch. “I think I look good in black.”

Brooke says, “I guess since you’re staying, I might as well get something to drink. Anybody else?”

Cinch and I both request a beer. I try to tell him the real story, but Brooke returns too quickly. She asks, “Did you tell him our surprise?”

Cinch shakes his head. “You better go check your bed.”

The smell of familiar perfume mixed with alcohol conveys the answer before I get there. Blonde hair strewn across the pillows confirms my assumption.

I say, “Oh, that’s nice. She feels she can sleep over whenever she wants?”

“It’s my fault,” Cinch says. “I didn’t want to take her home, so I said she could crash there. I didn’t think you would care. Sorry.”

“As long as it was your doing, it’s okay,” I tell him.

“Why don’t the two of you date?” Brooke asks.

I kiss Cinch on the cheek. “Good night, dear. It’s time for me to go to bed.”

I disrobe except for the bra and climb into bed. I can deal with the discomfort just to see the reaction from Dawn.

She stirs when I get into bed. “Sorry, must’ve fallen asleep.” She slides next to me and rubs her hand across my chest. I lie still, waiting for a reaction. She grabs the bra. “What’s this? What the fuck is this?”

I relay the story I told Cinch and Brooke, but she doesn’t find the same level of humor in the story as I do. I unhook the bra and fling it toward the dresser. “Christ! Why don’t you get a sense of humor?” I turn away from her. “I didn’t ask you to be here anyway.”

She curls up behind me. “I’m sorry. I guess I was a little surprised and disoriented. And just for the record, I didn’t ask to stay here. Cinch invited me because he didn’t want to take me back to Robin’s. I admit, when I didn’t see you before, I was upset. But it was only because I missed you, not because I was mad at you. We’re just having fun, remember?”

Her warm body presses against me. I turn toward her to acknowledge her advance. Our lips connect. She climbs on top of me. What began at the Skyway is finished a few miles away in the red barn.

Memories of last night linger like a pungent odor. The bra draped across the dresser represents another experience. I shake my head to dispel not only the vertigo from the ecstasy but the guilt as well. I know the dizziness will pass; I’m not so sure about the
self-reproach. This morning should not be spent alone. It
can’t
be spent alone.

After taking the girls back to Robin’s, I find Cinch in the living room in his usual position. “One more day,” I say. “Even after only a few weeks, I feel like it’s been years.”

He releases the remaining smoke from his lungs. “Today things might get ugly. After partying hard for several days, not sleeping enough, people will be strung out. The hard-core drunks will come out. Maybe we should go down to the docks for an hour before we punch in. You can see some of the tools we’ll be dealing with today.”

The sunlight revitalizes my tired body, and retelling the story from last night invigorates me mentally. If I had done it for the story, then telling it gives my actions purpose. I begin the story with Dawn in the bedroom yesterday afternoon and bring it back full circle to end it there. It awakes my ego and quiets my conscience. I can’t believe Cinch and I are beginning the party all over again, but it’s easier to keep going than change. I have to get through the day to get through the weekend. Monday will bring order.

Cinch gathers three regulars from the bar and has me share the story again. The same tale that triggered disgust when I awoke now lifts me to heroic status on the docks, and I willingly accept their admiration. The more description I add, the more they enjoy it. The only complaint is that I don’t have the souvenir with me. How many times will this story be passed on? Hopefully not so many that it gets back to the other two participants.