Thus Tyra was not a big fan of Natalie’s, and even Dad, who was the president of a motorcycle club and essentially had a life motto of ‘live and let live,’ had issues with her. The short of the long of it was, they didn’t like me hanging with her.
Furthermore, Jason had hated her. Unfortunately, Natalie returned the favor. This put me in the middle, which was not a fun place to be. Jason was the kind of guy who pretty much laid it out if the situation warranted it, and he hated Natalie enough to lay it out. Natalie also wasn’t the kind of person to keep things buried, so she didn’t hesitate to share. This was not comfortable for me, but I was the kind of person who was growing up and getting my life sorted. I was also falling in love so, naturally, rather than making a choice (as such), I started spending less time with her and more time with Jason.
She took the time I could give her without too much bellyaching, and I worked at keeping our friendship close even as it changed with the different paths our lives were taking.
But when Jason died, she’d totally stepped up. She was there for me. She didn’t breathe a word against Jason and kept her other crap separate. It was all about taking my back.
Six weeks ago, I needed her to take my back a different way.
I was tired of no sleep. I was tired of the constant reminders that Jason wasn’t there and never again would be. I was tired of the empty feeling in my stomach that would hollow out further when some memory hit me or a wedding card from someone who hadn’t heard about Jason came through the mail or I got a phone call from someone Tyra didn’t know to contact about something to do with the life Jason and I were going to start.
I needed a release. I needed to go back in time when, for Natalie and me, it was all about fun and music and beer and talking and not about how life could go straight down the toilet.
I needed to forget. I needed to remember when life was different, when it was good.
When things went wrong, I called Shy because he wasn’t like the other guys. He didn’t know Jason and he didn’t like me. I figured, like any of my father’s brothers would do, he’d come get me, get me safe, and that would be it. He wouldn’t look at me with kind eyes, urge me to talk, or give me a gentle lecture about hanging with Natalie, and I didn’t need any of that. In fact, I went out with Nat in the first place to get away from that.
I’d programmed his number in when I got my new phone. I didn’t know why, didn’t think about why, I just did.
What I didn’t expect was that he would give me exactly what I needed, be totally cool about it and also unbelievably sweet.
“Six weeks ago you were out with Natalie,” Tyra prompted, and I focused on her.
“I just needed… I needed…” I trailed off, and Tyra reached out to squeeze my hand.
“I get what you needed,” she said softly then lifted her chin for me to continue, so I did.
“It being Natalie, I’m sure you’re not surprised that our company wasn’t great company.” The look on her face told me she wasn’t surprised, but she had no response, so I kept going. “I was a little freaked, I called Shy, he came and got me, and the rest happened as I told you. The problem is, Shy was awesome, really cool, and I slipped out while he was sleeping and haven’t seen him or talked to him in six weeks, which is
not
cool.”
“Not sure about the not talking for six weeks part, but Shy
is
awesome,” she declared, and I blinked.
“You think Shy’s awesome?” I asked in disbelief.
“I do, don’t you?” she asked.
“Uh… I don’t know him very well… or I didn’t,” I evaded.
“True, noticed that,” she murmured. “You’re tight with all the brothers but not Shy. Thought it was because of that huge crush you had on him ages ago but, whatever. Bottom line, he’s a good guy.”
Tyra didn’t know about what Shy did to me, no one did. I shared everything with Tyra but not what he’d done. I didn’t even tell Natalie about that, and I shared everything with her too.
That was how much it hurt.
I’d loved him. It was a young, faraway love, but sometimes that was the most intense kind, or it was when you’re young and you love someone from afar. He’d crushed me, so bad I couldn’t even reexperience it by sharing.
So I didn’t.
When I didn’t speak, Tyra did.
“I like him. Your dad likes and respects him. He’s great with your little brothers, he’s actually great with all the brothers’ kids. He’s smart. He’s funny. He works hard and he’s loyal. Your dad says that if Dog or Brick wanted to step down as his lieutenant, he’d ask Shy to step up.”
I stared at her because this shocked me. That was huge coming from Dad.
She kept talking. “Says he’s loyal to the Club in a way that the recruits who didn’t live through what the other brothers lived through when your dad was cleaning up the Club aren’t because they weren’t tested. They don’t know how to be. Shy is, though, according to Tack. Shy’s all about his brothers, the Club, the family, so I’m not surprised he took care of you, Tab. Any of the boys would do that for you, not just for your dad.” She grinned. “Though, not sure any of the boys would put up with you singing a song from
Les Mis
. That shows your dad is right. Shy’s more loyal than the rest if he put up with that.”
I rolled my eyes.
She ignored my eye roll and asked, “What’d you sing, ‘Master of the House’?”
I rolled my eyes back to her.
“ ‘I Dreamed a Dream,’ ” I answered, and her grin faded.
Dad had never seen
Les Misérables
. Dad would never
see Les Misérables
. Dad got a funny look on his face when I told him Jason was taking me to see
Les Misérables
. To Dad, a man taking his woman to a musical did not say good things. When I told him, he opened his mouth to say something, caught sight of a “smiling-so-big-I-knew-she-was-in-danger-of-laughing Tyra, fortunately shut his mouth, and said no more.
But Jason had a mother and three sisters who were into musicals in a
big
way. They dragged him with them and Jason went, but he did this under duress.
But not
Les Mis
.
“Sweetheart,” he’d said, “I saw
The Pajama Game
when I was eleven and had nightmares until I was fifteen. We won’t get into what
Cats
did to me. But
Les Mis
, Tab, everyone has to see that.”
It meant so much to him I went, and I had to admit I didn’t get it through the first act. Jason had decided I needed to “experience” it, so he didn’t tell me anything, and since they sang all the time, even the dialogue, I couldn’t catch it all and I had no idea what was going on. Luckily, there were some kick-butt songs, or the first act would have been wasted on me.
At intermission, Jason saw the error of his ways, filled me in, and the second act rocked my world.
Dad loved me, but he was never going to listen to musicals with me.
Tyra loved me, and she didn’t care about musicals, but she listened to it with me in my car all the time when we were off shopping or to lunch or whatever we did.
She’d heard “I Dreamed a Dream” lots.
She knew what I was saying.
“Oh, Tabby,” she whispered.
See?
I flopped to my back, stared at the ceiling then moved just my eyeballs to her to see she’d shifted closer and was resting on a hand in the bed beside me.
“It felt good,” I told her, and she smiled.
“Of course it felt good, honey. Shy’s a nice guy who took your back and listened to you sing a sad song. It was what you needed and he gave it to you.”
“No,” I whispered and held her eyes. “It felt good waking up in his arms.”
Her smile faded again.
“Oh, Tabby,” she repeated in a whisper, and I put my hands over my face.
From behind them I said, “It was messed up, crazy,
wrong
.” I pulled my hands away, looked into her troubled face, and let it all hang out. “It was wrong, Ty-Ty. It was… it was
messed up
. I
forgot
.”
“You forgot what, honey?” she asked gently.
“Everything,” I answered, rolling to my side and getting up on a forearm. “
Everything
, Ty-Ty. I was crying when I fell asleep and Shy was holding me, but somehow when we were sleeping he tucked me under him, tucked me close, and I woke up and all I felt was warm. Warm and safe and loved and
right
. That was all I felt. All I thought. All that went through my mind was how good all that felt.”
“Is that bad?” Her tone was still gentle but now also cautious.
“
Yes
,” I hissed.
“How?” she asked carefully.
“Jason didn’t hold me.” She closed her eyes and opened them when I carried on, and I did so thanking God I could talk to Tyra about everything, “He was loving and he could cuddle but not, you know, in bed. He was a hug-and-roll guy. After we, uh…” I let that hang then went on, “He hugged me, let me go, then rolled away. He was sweet about it but that just wasn’t his thing. He liked to sleep in his space and he left me to mine. I’d never had that, not ever, not from a guy, not until I got it from Shy and
I liked it
. It
felt good
. No, it felt
great
.”
“Tab—” she began, but I was on a roll so I blathered on, talking over her.
“It gets worse,” I shared. “Even after I woke up feeling safe and right, it didn’t all crash over me. It didn’t come to me at all. I looked up at Shy and he’s, well… you know, everyone knows Shy’s really good-looking, but asleep, Ty-Ty, asleep—” I leaned toward her “—he’s
amazing
. So amazing, so handsome, so close, holding me, making me feel safe and loved and after he’d been so cool with me the night before, I kept forgetting. Kept forgetting
everything
and I, oh Tyra, God help me”—my voice dropped to a whisper—“I nearly kissed him.”
After sharing that, I flopped back to the bed, put my hands over my face and let it wash over me as it did every time I remembered it, which was often, dozens of times
daily
for six weeks.
Guilt.
Shame.
Betrayal.
“Tabby, honey, look at me,” she called gently, I pulled in breath behind my hands, then I dropped them away from my face and looked at her.
She was smiling at me just as gently as she was talking to me, and it hit me, not for the first time, not by a long shot, that I loved Tyra Allen a whole lot.
“I’m glad you shared that with me. Your dad has been concerned and even more concerned lately, thinking that something else was not right with you,” she told me.
There it was.
Proof my father wasn’t stupid and I couldn’t pull anything over on him.
“It was a betrayal to Jason,” I whispered, and admitting it out loud hurt worse.
She kept talking gently even as she grabbed my hand and squeezed, “It wasn’t, Tabby. It’s natural. It’s proof you’re healing.”
I shook my head but she squeezed my hand again.
“It is, honey,” she pushed. “This sucks, it sucks huge, so huge there are no words for how huge it sucks, and I would say you’re too young to process it, losing Jason the way you did when you did. But honestly, you could be a hundred and three and you wouldn’t have lived enough life to be able to process that kind of loss. Jason was a good man and he loved you. He deserves your grief. But he loved you and he’d want you to heal, move on, find happiness.”
I shook my head again and she dipped her face closer and kept going.
“I understand why you feel the way you do, but what
you
need to understand is that’s part of the process. Having those feelings, remembering you’re alive, remembering there are good things to look forward to. You’re young, Tab, you have a lot of life ahead of you. What happened with Shy is reminding you that life is out there for you when you’re ready. Those feelings you had with Shy are natural. They’re good. They
are
right. More so for you now because they indicate you’ve begun the process of healing.”
“I totally forgot him, Tyra,” I returned. “I
totally forgot
Jason for
whole minutes
, lying in the arms of another man. Worse!” I cried, sitting up and twisting toward her to see she reared back. “It felt… it felt…” I stammered, unable to get out what I hadn’t really even admitted to myself. Then I pushed it out, “
Beautiful.
Waking up that way with Shy… it was… it felt…”
Oh God, was I going to say it?
I was going to say it.
“
Better
,” I finished. I watched as her eyes blanked, hiding her reaction, and I knew what that meant so I cried, “See! I’m messed up!”
She reached out, snatched up my hand again, and shook it. “You are
not
messed up, Tabby. You’re a woman and Shy’s a man, a good-looking one who was there for you when you needed him, and he handled you with care. Your feelings are
natural
. They
are
beautiful. They
are
right. There is nothing wrong with forgetting. I want to be gentle with you, honey, I know you don’t want to lose Jason now, even only having him in grief, but in all honesty, you’ll get to the point when you’ll forget for days then weeks—” she squeezed my hand as my heart squeezed and she finished “—and so on. It will happen and that’s healing too, and you might not believe it but I do, I totally do. I know he loved you enough not to want you to forget him completely, which you never will, he’ll always be a part of you, but enough so you could be happy. I know that, Tab. I also know, God forbid, the roles were reversed, you’d want that for Jason too. Nothing, not one thing you did or felt that night was wrong or shameful. I don’t think so, and I don’t think Jason would either.”
I had to admit, she was right about that. Jason loved me and I loved him, and although it would suck huge for him as it did for me, if he lost me, I loved him enough to hope he’d eventually be happy.
“I get you,” she said softly. “I
so
get you, Tab, spending time with Natalie, calling a brother to take care of you, having the feelings you had. You are not doing anything wrong except being way too hard on yourself. In this time especially, my beautiful girl, you need to be gentle with yourself. Please, stop beating yourself up.”