Painless (5 page)

“Pick him up,” Crew Cut grunted.
 

Bloody Face draped one of the unconscious guys arms around his neck.

The two of them hoisted their friend and started walking across the lawn in front of Paiute.

“They’re going to get away before security gets here!” Kamiko growled. “They’ll get away with it! That’s not right!” Kamiko pushed the panic bar on the door with a loud thunk and strutted outside.

“Kamiko!” I called after her. “Don’t! Stay inside!”

She ignored me. “Get back here, you guys! I’m pressing charges as soon as security shows up! You guys are going to get expelled!”

Crew Cut turned awkwardly while trying to support his buddy. “Back off, bitch.”

“Stop!” Kamiko shouted, striding toward them.

I couldn’t leave her alone with those guys, so I jogged out to join her.

“Don’t make me tell you twice,” Crew Cut said to Kamiko.

“Come on!” Bloody Face said to Crew Cut, “we need to go, man!”

Crew Cut snarled at Kamiko. “Fucking cunt.”

“Fuck you, you stinky assbag!” Kamiko shouted.

I grabbed her by the shoulders. “Stop! Don’t make this worse.”

“But they started this, Sam!” she pleaded.

“I know.” But all I could think about was the cops showing up and asking questions and Kamiko or Romeo blurting out Christos’ name. Before I had time to explain myself, two uniformed cops walked across the big lawn in front of Nyyhmy and Paiute.

“That’s them!” Kamiko shouted.

Two flashlights flicked on and danced across the three remaining rugby guys. “Stop where your are, sirs,” a voice commanded.

Fuck.

“Oh, thank god! They’re here!” Romeo said to his phone, now standing beside me and Kamiko. “Yes. Two cops just walked up. Thank you.” He lowered his phone to his side.

I wasn’t sure if Romeo had hung up his phone or not. I grabbed it from his hand.

“Hey! What are you doing?” he asked.

I ended the call on his phone. Had I not, I worried the operator might have heard what I was going to say.

“All three of you, put your hands up!” one of the cops shouted.

“We can’t!” Crew Cut said. “Our friend is unconscious.”

Shit. I was pretty sure whoever got knocked out in a fight looked like the innocent one.

“Some guys jumped us,” Bloody Face said to the cops. “Beat the shit out of us.”

WTF? Were they blaming us for starting this? At least they wouldn’t be able to pin it on Christos if they didn’t know who he was.

The cops were getting closer to all of us. I had only a few seconds to strategize with Romeo and Kamiko before the cops could overhear everything I said.

“Don’t mention Christos’ name,” I hissed.

“What?” Kamiko asked, confused.

“Sam,” Romeo said, “why’d you take my phone?”

I thrust Romeo’s phone back into his hand. “Listen! Tell the cops that Christos was a stranger walking by and he tried to help out. Don’t say his name. You don’t even know his name. And don’t mention his tattoos. Just say he was some random guy.”

Kamiko and Romeo still looked confused, their eyes getting big. I couldn’t blame them. They had no idea what was going on with Christos’ trial.

“Trust me,” I said. “And please do what I asked. Please. I’ll explain everything later. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Kamiko nodded.

“Okay,” Romeo said. “But what if those jerks say something different? We talked to them for awhile.”
 

Romeo was right.

“Uh,” I said, “I don’t know. We’ll play it off. Just don’t mention any names!”

I noticed then that the two cops were cuffing Crew Cut and Bloody Face while their friend sat on the grass cross legged, hunched over. When the cops finished cuffing the two guys, they made them sit on the grass about ten feet apart from each other, near one of the lamps that illuminated the walkway between Nyyhmy and Paiute.

“Are you the people who called in this fight?” the taller cop asked.
 

“I did,” Romeo said. He glanced at me nervously.

The other cop was calling in something on the radio attached to his shoulder. He was stocky and had a stumpy neck and broad shoulders. “Backup and EMTs are on the way,” he said to the tall cop.

The taller cop walked up to us while stocky cop stood sentry over the rugby players. I hoped their asses were getting soaked and cold from sitting on the damp lawn. Jerks.

“I need to see everyone’s Student IDs,” the tall cop said.

We all pulled them out and handed them to him. He shone his flashlight on each one and looked us each in the face in turn. He handed the IDs back to us. “Can you tell me what happened?” he asked Romeo.

Romeo looked at me for approval. I didn’t want to look like I was some kind of criminal mastermind, so I shrugged my shoulders.

“Um,” Romeo said, “me and my friends were chatting over there,” he pointed, “and these guys came walking up and started harassing us.”

“Were any of you involved in the fight?” the cop asked.

“No,” we all said.

“So, who was fighting them?” he asked Romeo point blank.

“This…guy?” Romeo said sheepishly.

“Which guy?” the cop asked.

“The…stranger?” Romeo said uncertainly.

I repressed an eye roll.

“Me and my two friends,” I said, motioning to Kamiko and Romeo, “were talking for awhile, then this cute guy walked up to us and started chatting with us.”

“Which cute guy?” Tall cop asked. Then he pointed at Romeo and said, “Him?”

“No,” I said.

“Hey!” Romeo frowned, “I’m cute!”

“Shut up, Romeo,” Kamiko said.

The cop hooked a thumb behind him toward the rugby goons. “Do you mean one of those guys back there?”
 

“No,” I said. “He’s gone. The cute guy, I mean.”

“Why did he leave?” the cop asked.

“I guess because it was five on one?”

“What do you mean?”

“Me and my two friends here ran inside Paiute Hall when the guys all started fighting. The cute guy punched a bunch of them before he ran off. That’s why that guy over there has a bloody nose or whatever. Then the two other guys who are gone chased after cute guy.”

“Let me get this straight. Cute guy was fighting those three guys plus two more?”

“Yes,” I said.

“And you don’t know who this cute guy is?”

“No.”

The cop nodded. “So how did the fight start?”

Did I have to answer? I was afraid anything I said was going to sound so ridiculous I was going to get caught in a lie and get Christos in trouble.

“One of those guys called me a faggot,” Romeo said, “and I happen to be gay, which makes this a hate crime.”

“Did you do anything to provoke them?” the cop asked, eying Romeo’s steampunk attire.

I was starting to dislike this cop.

“No!” Romeo said. “Me and my friends were talking to each other and one of those guys went—“ Romeo mimicked the coughing and hand covering thing Crew Cut had done, “—Faggot!”

The cop nodded, “Sounds like a potential hate crime to me.”

Maybe this cop wasn’t so bad.

“But none of them hit you?” he asked Romeo.

“No,” Romeo said.

The cop glanced over at the rugby guys in the grass, then asked Romeo, “Do you know any of them personally? Are they aware of your sexual orientation?”

Romeo shook his head. “No, not that I know. I mean, I thought I looked pretty fabulous when I got dressed up to go out tonight. Does that count? Some people do tell me I’m too fashionable for my own good. Is a crime of fashion considered a hate crime? I think it should be,” Romeo said earnestly.

Kamiko glared at him.

“What?” Romeo frowned at her. “You said I looked like The Matrix.”

“Rebloated,” Kamiko jabbed.

The cop was obviously doing his best not to smile at their tomfoolery. He cleared his throat and said, “In any case, their use of such a derogatory term is unacceptable. Were either of you two ladies involved in the verbal altercation?” the cop asked me and Kamiko.

“The same guy who called Romeo a faggot called me a fag hag,” Kamiko blurted. “Then his friend, the guy with the beard, called Romeo a fag too.”

“Romeo?” the cop said, confused. “Who’s Romeo?”

“I am.” Romeo squinched his monocle into place and did a courtly bow while twirling his hand. “Romeo Fabiano, at your service.”

“That’s not what your Student ID said,” the cop cinched his brows.

“Romeo is my middle name,” he said nervously.

My jaw dropped. I turned to stare at Romeo.
 

A pained look weighed on Romeo’s features as he said, “My first name is Elmo. Elmo R. Fabiano.”
 

I was shocked. “Elmo?” I glanced at Kamiko and she nodded. I turned back to Romeo. “Are you serious? Is Elmo even Italian?”

“It is,” Romeo said proudly. “Look it up.”

I felt betrayed. It showed on my face.

“Hey,” Romeo said defensively, “Can you blame me? Elmo has so many negative connotations nowadays. And that voice of his?” Romeo shuddered. “Anyway, Elmo was my great-grandfather’s name. He was a member of the Resistenza Italiana during World War II and he fought against Mussolini and the Nazis. He was a total badass, and he was an Elmo long before that stupid puppet ruined it for the rest of us. Besides, Romeo is more romantic, don’t you think?”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Elmo’s not stupid,” Kamiko crooned. “He’s cute.”

Romeo rolled his eyes. “You’re only defending him because Elmo was your boyfriend until the sixth grade.”

“No he wasn’t!” she protested.

“Was too!”

“No, if you remember,” Kamiko frowned, “once I discovered Ash from Pokémon in the second grade, I forgot all about Elmo.”

"That’s right!” Romeo smiled. “Ash was your very first cartoon crushationship! You were always telling me how jealous you were of Pikachu for spending so much time with Ash!”

“I hated that bitch!” Kamiko grinned.

“Is Pikachu even a girl?” I mumbled, mostly to myself. “I thought he was supposed to be a boy.”

“Ahem,” the cop interrupted. “Anyway, miss, You mentioned a guy with a beard? Who ran off?”

“Yes,” Kamiko said, trying to calm herself.

“And none of you hit anyone, or were hit by those three men?” he asked.

“No,” I said, “we all ran inside Paiute and made sure the door was locked.”

“And who was this cute guy again?”

“We don’t know,” I said a bit too forcefully. “I’ve seen him around campus and in class, but I don’t really know him. I just say hi to him.”

“Yeah, Sam’s too shy to ask him his name,” Kamiko insisted. “I don’t know his name either,” she giggled.

“Which one of you is Sam?” the cop asked.

Waving my hand meekly, I said, “I am. Sam…I am. Green eggs and ham…I mean Samantha. My name is Samantha. Green eggs and hamantha.” I trailed off into a feeble giggle, then grimaced, rolled my eyes, arched both brows and kicked myself mentally for sounding like a schizophrenic Dr. Seussette. At this rate, I was pretty sure the cops were going to order up straight jackets for the three of us. As long as it took the heat off Christos, I was okay with that.

“And none of you know the cute guy’s name?” Tall cop asked skeptically.

Romeo and Kamiko shook their heads.

“No,” I answered meekly.

The cop drilled his eyes into mine for what seemed like an hour. Finally, he adjusted his gun belt and sighed audibly. “Okay. You guys stay put. I’m going to confer with my partner.” He walked over to Stocky Cop and the two of them started chatting.

Two more cops came walking around the corner of Paiute from the opposite direction, followed by two EMTs who were carrying plastic medical boxes. Tall cop nodded at them and waved them over.

“Did I do okay?” Romeo asked nervously.

“Make sure you never break any laws, Romeo,” Kamiko said. “You’re a terrible liar. You’d end up going straight to jail if you committed a crime. And you know what happens to men who go to jail.”

“I know!” Romeo said enthusiastically. “The possibilities are endless! All those desperate men with nothing to do but lift weights and brood all day long. They get all pent up and even the straight guys are forced to seek ‘alternative’ sexual gratification. It sounds like a dream come true!”

Kamiko gawked. “Are you cray-cray, Romeo?”

“Nope. Just gay-gay,” he winked.

“No jail for anybody!” I hissed insistently.

Romeo’s playful expression mellowed into seriousness. “What about those jerks over there? I think they deserve jail. And a rusty shiv up the butt.”

“Maybe them,” I said. “But let’s not talk about it, okay?” I noticed that Tall Cop was questioning Crew Cut. “Now be quiet so I can hear what those cops are saying!”

Their voices were faint, but I heard most of their conversation.

“How many guys did you say jumped you?” Tall Cop asked Crew Cut.

Jumped? Great. Those douche nuggets started this, and now they’re trying to blame us?

“Four,” Crew Cut said.

“And you say they started it?”

“Yeah. They were mouthing off about how SDU Rugby sucks and how we’re a bunch of pussies. We tried to blow them off, but they wouldn’t let up.”

Maybe I was being too hasty. Perhaps Douche Cut Crew Cut was going to do my work for me and lead the cops on a wild douche chase, taking the heat off Christos.

“Can you describe any of them?”

“Not really. Everything happened so fast—”

Even better.

“—But I do remember one guy. Big dude. Had lots of tattoos on his arms. Dark hair.”

Fuck.

Tall cop was jotting this down in a small note pad. “Had you ever seen the guy before?”

“Yeah. I’ve seen him around campus.”

Oh, no.

“Do you recall anything about the other three?”

“Not really.”

I shook my head. Douche Crew Cut was putting all the blame on Christos.
 

“Sit tight,” Tall Cop said, “while I talk to your friend.”

I saw Crew Cut shoot a glance at his bloody buddy, who was being tended to by the EMTs. Stocky cop was talking to the two new cops. Tall cop chatted with the three officers before he went over to Bloody Face and the EMTs.

Bloody Face was holding one of those quick freeze ice packs to his nose. I had a hard time hearing what he was saying. But I distinctly heard, “He started it,” and, “tattoos on his arms,” and, “I think he goes to school here.”