Paint it Black: 4 (The Black Knight Chronicles) (13 page)

I WAS COUNTING on the trek from the Market to Milandra’s throne room to give me time to work on my rapport with Tivernius, to make sure we were still buddies, that sort of thing. I’d gotten along pretty well with the dragon on our last trip to Faerieland, and the meddling Greg, Sabrina and I had done in his love life had worked out pretty well for him in the end, so I had high hopes for getting the Faerie Queen’s scaly husband on our side over the days it would take us to walk to the capital.

But my luck held, and as usual my only luck was bad, as we were teleported directly into the throne room. We weren’t the first ones to arrive, of course. It could never be as easy as getting to the Queen, pleading our case, and then walking out with all our dangly bits intact,
oooohhhhh nnnooooo.
We arrived in a rush of air and no small amount of Market-dust just as the guard captain finished explaining his side of events. He seemed to have covered most of the high points, including the part where I kicked him in the knee. He gestured with his cane as he came to that part of his report and almost fell over, which I felt was a little overly dramatic, but I wasn’t the one whose knee bent backward now, so I guess I didn’t get to be all judgy.

“I have heard your case, Captain, and am ready to levy my decision,” Milandra said. The little Faerie Queen had none of the mischief in her eyes that I had seen on our last visit. She was seated on her silver throne, clad in silver armor, with a gold-and-silver twined circlet on her brow and long, silver hair cascading down her shoulders. Across her knees lay a silver scepter with a fist-sized diamond at the end of it. She raised it and stood.

I started forward, saying, “Don’t we even get a chance to—” I was going to say something eloquent about defense and due process, but Tivernius wrapped a hand around my mouth and jerked me back. I struggled against his grip, but dragons are
strong
. I mentally put them on the “things that can kick my ass” list, and stopped fighting.

“Good. Now behave yourself and watch. We’re invisible back here, but if you get more than ten feet from me you’ll be outside the range of my spell,” he whispered into my ear. I looked around and saw that the others were standing still and watching our exchange. I raised an eyebrow at Greg, and he raised one back at me, as if to say, “Well, I wasn’t going to run in there and get us all killed, now was I?”

“You couldn’t have told me that before now?” I hissed back. “And please tell me you have a roll of quarters in your pocket.” He let me go, and I turned my attention back to the Queen.

I started a little as I saw myself appear and kneel meekly before the throne. I looked around, making sure that I wasn’t really there and that the whole Scooby Gang was still hiding in the dragon’s invisibility spell with me, then watched as Greg, Abby, Sabrina, and Stephen all popped into existence in front of Milandra. The fake us all knelt, then the Queen held her scepter high and spoke.

“It has been proven beyond reproof that you have violated the laws and hospitality of our land and of the Goblin Market. As follows our treaty with the Goblin King and the other sentient species of the realm governing the Market, you shall be put to death forthwith and without hesitation.”

She waved her scepter, and it morphed into a glittering crystal sword. The sword flashed through the air, catching light and flashing prisms across the floor as it swung down, parting “my” neck like it was a sheet of paper. It was more than a little disconcerting to watch my head part from my shoulders and
thunk
to the marble floor, and it was
way
disturbing to watch my body turn to dust and blow away. I looked at Greg, and saw him turn even paler than normal. Sabrina closed her eyes as Milandra decapitated the rest of the fake us, and I put an arm around her shoulders. Anna was the only one who didn’t seem fazed, and that creeped me out even more.

“Is that what really happens when you kill one of us? ’Cause it looks a lot like an episode of
Buffy,
” I whispered to Tivernius.

“I know. Joss Whedon is very popular over here. And no, that’s not what really happens. But it’s what people expect now, so we have to give them a little razzle-dazzle.”

Great. I’m standing here in Faerieland watching the Queen of the Fae chop off my head and a dragon is quoting musical theatre numbers at me.
I turned my attention back to Milandra, who had finished decapitating my “friends.” I kept looking back and forth between Stephen and Sabrina’s “corpses” and the obviously not dead folks standing next to me. Somehow it was easier dealing with her killing me, Greg, and Abby, since our bodies turned to dust.

Milandra sat back down on her throne and nodded to the Guard. “You may return to service with our thanks.” The guards blinked out of existence at the wave of Milandra’s scepter.

Then she shifted slightly on her throne and focused all her attention on the chef. “You, sir, are another matter.”

“I just cook ’em, queenie. I don’t got nothing else to do with ’em.” He spat a glob of yellow something onto the throne room floor, and Milandra’s personal guards stepped forward, hands on their swords.

The Queen held up a hand, and the guards returned to their positions. “And yet,” she said, “You did kidnap two travelers from another realm and chop them up for stew. And then, when they tried to escape, you created a situation by which they had no choice but to break my laws.”

“But I didn’t break any laws.” He paused for a long time before adding, “Majesty.”

“No, you didn’t. But you did require the aid of my Market Guard, did you not?”

“I did indeed. And they helped me out, like they would any law-abiding, tax-paying merchant of the Market. And I appreciates it.” The corpulent little slime smiled and spat again.

“I’m sure you do. That’s why you will now be providing free meals for any of my guardsmen that choose to partake. You reputation for fine cuisine has reached even my own palace, and I am sure that you would like to show your appreciation for the men who saved your business in any way you could.”

“Of course, Your Majesty. Free eats for all the Guard. Absolutely! Anything they want on the menu or off the menu!”

“Thank you, Chef. You may go.” Milandra waved her hand, and the throne room was missing a goblin.

“Come on out, Jimmy. And bring all your friends.” Milandra raised her voice so we could all hear her, and we approached the dais. The throne room did that thing it does when Milandra wants it to be small, so what had been a distance the length of a basketball court only took us a couple of steps to cover. Abby seemed a little freaked out by it, but the rest of us pretty much took it in stride. I just hoped I wouldn’t come home all glittery after this trip. That stuff takes forever to wash out of your hair.

Stephen looked the most amazed, and the most transformed by his entry into Faerieland. Any pieces of his mortal disguise were gone, and he was several inches taller than I was used to seeing, and he now had a pair of decidedly non-human pointy ears. He was a good-looking dude in our dimension, but here in Faerie, he was beautiful. He approached the throne and knelt like he’d been born in another time, all his dancer’s grace flowing into a fluid bow at Milandra’s feet.

“My lady.” He lowered his head.

Milandra rose and stepped down from her dais. “Stephen, I presume?” The kneeling faerie glanced up at her and nodded. “It’s a pleasure to welcome you home. Know that you and yours shall always be welcome here, even unto the end of your days.” Her tone was strangely formal, and I almost felt a little energy pass between her and Stephen as she bent down and kissed him on the forehead.

I heard a little intake of breath and looked over at Tivernius. “Don’t sweat it, lizard-breath. He’s gay.”

“I’m not ‘sweating’ anything, Jimmy, but she just bestowed on him something that few ever receive. The kiss of the Queen is a mark that one carries forever, and it shows him as favored by the royal house of the Fae.”

“So with her lipstick on his forehead we’re less likely to get chopped up for soup stock?” I asked.

“To put it in the crudest terms possible, yes.”

“Awesome. Think I can get her to kiss me?”

“She can kiss you on the forehead right after I decapitate you,” Sabrina cut in, her voice all saccharine.

“I’ll settle for a kiss from you, then.” I leaned toward her and puckered up.

“Not now, you smell like a goblin. Besides, we’re in public.” She pushed me away, and I turned my attention back to the Queen, who looked at me like a grumpy homeroom teacher staring down a kid who had just gotten detention. Again.

“James, Gregory, Sabrina,” the Queen addressed us all. “So good to see you again. And welcome to your friends as well, especially the witch. Those of the Craft are always welcome within our halls. But James, why is it that every time I see you there is bloodshed?”

“For once it wasn’t my fault, Your Majesty. I just take exception to being turned into an entrée.” I shrugged, and Milandra laughed. I sighed a tiny sigh, relieved that the Queen still thought I was funny. If a woman who bends reality to match her moods stops being amused with you, your longevity is seriously compromised.

“Now, James, what is your side of the story? I’ve heard my captain’s account of the events in the Market, and while outlandish, they do sound very much like something you would be involved in. And please introduce me to your friends, particularly this well-mannered one? Rise, young Fae.” She waved a hand at Stephen, who slowly got to his feet and stepped back with the rest of us. His eyes never left Milandra the whole time. I guess for me it would be something like meeting Robert Plant, or Clapton, only cuter and blonder.

I gave Milandra the shortened version of our trip to Faerieland along with the introductions, finishing up with our little run-in with the chef. “So, you see, it wasn’t really our fault that we drew steel in the Market, it was more along the lines of an inevitability.

“Like it was an inevitability that your last trip to my realm would result in bloodshed in this very throne room and very nearly cause an inter-kingdom war across all of Faerie?” Her eyebrow crept so far up into her hairline that I thought it was going to come back around her head.

Milandra didn’t seem to be the type to hold a grudge. Not like Greg, who’d been mad at me for seventeen years and counting. I’d killed him. He had a right to his anger, but Milandra was better off when we’d left than before we’d arrived. I wasn’t truly worried that she was going to let the past color her opinion now.

“Yeah, sorry about that. But look on the bright side, nobody you like died.” I gestured at Otto, her chief bodyguard, man-at-arms, and whatever else he was. He nodded back to me.

“So now what?” Milandra asked. “How do you intend to continue your investigation?”

“Well, I thought we’d kick, punch, and shoot everybody in the Goblin Market until we got enough answers to rescue a little baby’s parents, then take them back home and let everyone live happily ever after,” I said, ignoring the scowl on Milandra’s face.

“And I thought that I’d go to the chef’s supplier and cut off little bits of him until he told us where the people we’re looking for are being held,” Sabrina said from beside me.

“Well, that could work, too. But it takes some of the fun out of things. Can I at least beat people up until they tell me who the supplier is?”

“No need. I swiped the chef’s ledger before we were whisked away. It shows us who he buys his meat from. That is, when he doesn’t have a renewable source of it hanging in the back room. Why don’t we start there?”

“That’s kinda brilliant, Detective,” I said.

“Thanks, I thought it was pretty good.”

“I have known for many years who supplies the chef with his meat, but have had no reason to shut down his operation as long as the only humans killed were criminals, trespassers, or those who deserve it, as you would say, Jimmy. No matter my personal feelings about humans or how much they need to be protected from the more unsavory elements of the magical world, as long as no rules were broken, I could not act.” Milandra’s brows knit as she twirled her hair around one finger. I could almost hear the gears turning inside that gorgeous little head.

After a few seconds a pixiesh smile crept across the Queen’s face. “But now they have kidnapped humans and endangered the whole of Faerie by their actions. We cannot allow knowledge of the Goblin Market to become widespread in the mundane world. Were all of your practitioners of magic to come flooding into Faerie for their charms and trinkets, our resources would quickly be depleted and our land destroyed.”

“Not to mention what all those souped-up charms and spells would do back in our world,” I added, thinking of how much more mojo Anna had on this side of the portal.

“Therefore, I shall empower you to act in my name and stop this unauthorized import of humans into the Goblin Market.”

“We call that kidnapping back in our world,” I pointed out.

Milandra just looked at me, and I shut up.

“There’s just one problem,” Greg chimed in. “Milandra just killed us. Or at least as far as anyone knows.”

“That’s simple enough to fix,” Milandra said.

We all turned to her. She smiled at us. “I killed illusions that looked like you. It won’t take much to make you look like someone else.” She waved a hand and pink glitter settled over the lot of us.

I looked at Greg, but nothing seemed different. “Um, Your Majesty . . .” I raised a hand, noting that she still had that crystal sword leaning next to her throne.

“It worked, Jimmy. Have a little faith. You can’t see the difference because you know it’s Greg. If you didn’t know him, he would look like one of my Guard. But this glamour will not work on the Fae, so wear these.” She held out her hand, and it was draped with necklaces. Dangling from long silver chains were seven-pointed stars with pink diamonds at each point.

“These are emblems of my service. Now, if I might borrow your sword?” She held out a hand to me and I put my sword in her hand. The sword looked like nothing special, but it had originally belonged to Milandra, and something about it looked different here.